10.28.2004

the new me

so, here it is. 24 weeks since surgery. and no, that doesn't equal 6 months. 6 months will be on december 2.



the first photo is 3 days pre-op and the other one was takes yesterday. it's crazy. things have changed.

pumpkin face

ok, totally unexpected thing happened today.

since alex's schedule has ben so screwy, we don't see each other much. he's asleep when i leave, i'm asleep when he gets home, etc etc. i try to get up when he gets home but if i do it throws me all off so it's hard. so he's been trying to get up early enough to go to the gym and have lunch with me before he has to make the hellish drive to the office where he's training staff.

so today i call tomake sure he's up at 10:30 as usual and to my surprise he's dressed and getting ready to leave. he sas he's coming ot have lunch a little early today. ok... weird. so he calls me when he's outside to come out (he usually jsut walks in and meets me at my desk). ok... then calls right back to say to bring out a garbage bag. huh? a what?

so o grab one and go outside and he susrprised me with 2 big pumpkins and everything we need for carving.

i was a little upset we dind't have time to do them together, and figured we weren't gonna. he was SO proud of himslef that he did this and brought everything we needed so we sat at the picnic table in the yard and carved our pumpkins. he took pictes with us and pumpkins making the same faces we put on the pumpkins. when i have them from him, i'll post.

very fun, very sweet.

10.21.2004

time for a change

seems to me that things they are a changin' and i either have to take to this again or scrap it. i feel like i have enough to talk about that maybe it's time to take it up again. course since i changed the tamplate, i'll have to customize and add links back and all that fun stuff, but i'm ok with that. but i don't want to do it yet, not yet. have to see if it sticks this time around. i think it might.

i realize i'm not entirely sure i know who i am anymore.., and i'm not sure why, maybe this will help me figure it out.

7.28.2004

way way WAY too long

...since i last wrote in this.

i dn't know why, jsut been too preoccupied with other stuff i guess. my life is so different now.

so today i'm offically eight weeks out from surgery. eight weeks. so long and so short all at the same time. it's funny, becasue as much as i never would admit it my life totally revolved around food all the time. constantly thinking about what i'd eat later, how i could stop and get some fries without anyone knowing. planning things to the point of obseesing about what theperson at drive thru thought of my order. was it too much? did they assume it was all for me? maybe i should order a ton, then they'd know it wasn't for me. once, a loooong time ago i even pretended to be on my cell phone confiming what th other person wanted as an order at thepickup window. you know, so they'd know it wasn't all for me. how sad is that? i've never admitted that before. weird.

so now? my life revolves around food even more! i feel like i'm eating ALL DAY LONG and always trying to plan what my next thing to eat is, having to keep track of everything. it's exhausting. worth it, but exhasuting. in fact went to see a nutritionist for counseling today to ake sure i was on track. crazy.

add in the problem that i'm supposed to be ultra fertile right now, yet i can't get pregnant for 2 years (not that i would before then anyhow) and no concensus seems to be made over what form of bc is best for "us."

and let's not talk about what i eat. cheese. it's all cheese. oh and pork rinds. how effed up is that shit? not what i pictured. but gotta go with what you can "tolerate" there's a word i've grown to hate. oh that and "plateau" ugh.

all in all i guess i can't complain. i've not had any major complications at all.

in other news, we got the garden for the wedding ceremony. i'm stoked about that. a little pricey, but gorgeous. really lovely.

and my mom and dad are coming to visit. in a few weeks. my dad has never been out here, so that's neat. we'll see. my mom wants to go to look at dresses. don't get me wrong, i want to as well, but i have no idea what i'll be like come wedding time, so it's not like i can really pick one out.

oh, and we'll end this on a hppy note. getting reay to go to sleep the other day. all cuddled up and just starting to drift off. very content. out of nowhere alex says "i'm so ready to spend the rest of my life with you."

5.28.2004

holy fuck

today is my last day at office. wednesday i go in.

i'm a basket case. totally and completely.

5.20.2004

could i be more self-absorbed?

it didn't occur to me until right now that i did not get alex a gift for our big anniversary this wknd. what did he do? oh booked us this fancy place got us all these play tickets. and i knew that, i've known that for awhile. and it never once occured to me that i did not get him a gift. until right now.

i'm SUCH an ass.

5.14.2004

19 days left

the more i learn the more m'm freaking out. i've never been in the hospital for a procedure before and now i'm getting my insides completely refigured! i'm not having second thoughts at all, just a little scared.

so, alex talked me into getting those neosporin scar strips thing to try to minimize my scars. i wonder how he really feels about them sometimes. i notice he rubs the insides of my wrists a lot, which always makes me feel a little weird. so the other night i asked him why he was so hot on my using them and he said it was a reminder of a bad time. ok, that's fair.

i guess they really jsut don't bother me as much anymore. i used to not be able to look at my scars without starting to cry or remmebering the feeling of the knife, or the emotions that i went though that day and reliving it over and over and over... so i guess that's a good sign. i don't even know how noticable they are really.

do i wish i had never done it? i mean, i guess the right answer is yes, but since it got me out of the situation, eventually and got me to where i am today, so no, i guess i don't.

5.11.2004

something new

i've not talked about american idol yet this season. i dunno. i'm still addicted to it but can someone tell me what is up with all these theme nights? latin? the 'solid as a rock' people? manilow? wha'ts up? now disco night? blows.

jeniifer leaving didn't bother me, i never liked her. can she sing? oh yes. but she annoys me. cna't stand her. i was fine seeing her go. redhead took too long, everyone knows that. but WHY did george go before jasmine? that wasn't right. and if she doens't go this week, well, then, i might be done with the show.

who's going to win? i dunno. i guess i'm rooting for latoya.

in other black women news, i hat to admit it but it does bother me **a little** that i never tlaked ot nina more that for that 30 seconds. i was too hyped up to know what to do with her on the other end of the line, and i think i missed my chance. my chance for what? i'm not entirely sure.

eh.

5.07.2004

losers

i'm actually doing a pretty good job at getting less stressed i think. i'm starting to get more and more excited. i'm thinking about all the things that are good: new clothes! rollerblades! biking! hiking! walking, even! wearing my dream wedding gown. having awesome wedding photos, etc etc. it's going to be unbelievable and amazing.

i'm still scared though. scared of coming home with a drain. that scares the bejeezus out of me.

ok, so i need to get this off my chest. there's this whole, well, cult of people who want or have had this surgery and there's all sorts of messageboards, etc.. but i have to tell you... i think it's kinda, well.... gay. they call themselves "losers." LAME. they want to be your "angels" to help you through it. LAME! i mean, i understand the support nature. hell, i even have an angel (gag. she's great but if she signs another email 'your angel' i'm going to lose it).

is that wrong of me? i mean, i'm gonna be one of them. one of them actually said to me "we'll save you a seat at the losers bench." please!!! could that analogy be any worse?? especially since people going through this have little or no self-esteem to begin with. who thought up THAT brilliant name. ugh.

maybe i am just a loser.

5.05.2004

*sigh*

so my date has changed. one week later, june 2nd. no big deal, but i'm really disappointed.

5.03.2004

23 days

i can't believe i'm having surgery in 23 days. i know this site is goign to turn it's focus to what this is like 100% now, not that it want's before. i'd like to transition to my real url (hello, jon!) so i can post pictures and stuff... we'll see. maybe when i'm home for two weeks recovering, i can get that going.

i'm so freaked out. i am so scared. now that it's real i feel like i know nothing and can't remember anything i'm supposed to do. AH!!!

4.30.2004

W04021300140

that's the number that's going ot change my life. my approval code. i feel like getting a tattoo of it.

i have a date

i have a fucking date for surgery!!!!! i don't believe it. i'm in awe.

my mom is not thrilled, i'll have to work through that.

what a year it's been.

so i'll be simultaneously be recovering/adjusting, doing home improvements and planning a wedding.

sheesh.

my whole life is going to change. big time.

4.29.2004

I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had my hearing and they were suppose dto tell me tomorr wbut they called like 10 minutes after and TOLD ME I GOT IT!!!!!!

I WON!!!!!!!

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4.28.2004

because i like to rip things off and i need a distraction right now

firsts & lasts

firsts
first best friend:
stephanie huot
first job: taco bell, baby
first screen name: malatesta
first self purchased album: def leppard "pyromania"
first crush: nathan cullerot in the fourth grade. he used to draw me pictures and buy me candy.
first funeral: a distant relative and i don't really remember, but i remember we walked into the wrong room.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: for the store the weathervane in high scool.
first true love: nina.
first enemy: tonya simpson.
first big trip: i went to mexico and florida and california when i was young, before my mom remarried, but it's vague.
first play/musical/performance: i think it was "the king and i" with my mom. i was really young.

lasts
last cigarette: new orleans, in the funky pirate while drinking horny gators.
last car ride: to work this morning.
last bus ride: in new orleans as a connector and also oak alley plantation the morning i was going to get engaged.
last good cry: good cry? i don't remember. last time i cried, cried was during wedding planning stress.
last library book: "the kid" by dan savage
last movie seen: "13 going on 30"
last beverage drank: fruit2o plus, berry relaxing
last food consumed: salad for lunch
last crush: holly
last phone call: jmac
last tv show watched: 24 last night
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my black work shoes.
last annoyance: a co-worker's stupidity.
last disappointment: my insurance company being stupid.
last ice cream eaten: phish food cone at ben & jerry's free cone day yesterday.
last shirt worn: currently, i'm wearing a white one with blue and blach vertical striping. the last one before this was a turtleneck i wore to work yesterday. thrilling.
last website visited: here. that's where i got this.

4.27.2004

what kind of twilight zone am i in?

i don't know when my world got all screwy but i'd like it back to normal please.

yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.

we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.

so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.

it's nina.

WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?

WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.

thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.

as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.

but i'm different now, right?

it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.

so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.

he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.

i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.

i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.

EXCUSE ME????????

after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.

i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.

people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.

4.19.2004

sunshine day

saturday we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the more i think about it the more the movie, and what it meant to me, kinda fucked me up. i've been kind of messed up since then. i planned to post all my thoughts on it but i just don't feel like getting into it right now.

4.12.2004

i stand corrected

my bad. jon, you're absolutely right. i want to be a choreographer. so bad. maybe i blocked it because secretly in my mind i already am.

been so long...

that there's been a friday five, i didn't bother checking on friday.

1. What do you do for a living?
graphic designer

2. What do you like most about your job?
that i love it

3. What do you like least about your job?
mmm.... when a client makes you do exactly what they want, even when you know it's not in their best interest

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
someone is being stupid. silly drama....

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
i have always wanted to be an astronaut... although that's not as cool these days. honestly when i'm independantly wealthy i want to make jewelry and do design for good causes (like breast cancer awareness, etc...)

4.09.2004

getting calmer

i SWORE i'd never be one of those girls who was a mess when it came to her wedding. yeah, that went out the door REALLY quickly. poor alex. i don't envy him the next few months.

but i think i have a little bit of a leg to stand on. first of all, i've only got like 50 people max that i am going to invite. he's got at least 100. at least. that's because he needs to invite EVERYONE he's related to in ANYWAY. and not to be a brat, but i have a little experience here, black families are friggin huge! and he has to invite all his cousins and all their kids and all their kid's kids. and that's only his black side of the family. then he's got his mom's side with is 6 siblings, thier spouses, their kids, UGH! then there's his dad who wants us to do this or do that, or use this place or that. and invite a bunch of HIS friends. at least with his dad i think the answer is clearly "no money, no say." isn't that terrible? but we're footing the bill ourselves completely.

and as far as the extended family goes, i think there should be some sort of age limit (as in really young kids). i also think that if he hasn't seen them it the last year. if i don't even know who they are and if, say, they didn't know he had a girlfriend, i think they could probably be discluded. cuz i've not met 100 people in the past year, i tell you that much.

and i'm NOT having a backyard bbq for my reception. no thanks. or a vfw hall. nope. i'll pull my "i'm the bride, it's about me" card if i have to.

on the upside, i think we're going to spain, that could be really fun.

3.31.2004

already too stressed

we've not even been engaged a montha nd i'm already so stressed out and frustrated that i've been in tears twice, and i'm having migraines galore.

it's not supposed to be like this.

i vote for vegas.

3.26.2004

how things change

i feel like i've gone thorough a great upheaval in the last few weeks. like the direction i thought i was going in came to a screeching halt and now i need to make a turn and get going. planning a wedding? for like 200 people? NOT something i thought i'd be doing right now. at all. it's exciting and stressful and fun and crazy and... expensive.

i think there were certain things i wanted t have in a wedding that we're not going to be able to do/have since we're footing the bill. but it's ok. only one day, and i REFUSE to get into more debt over it. that's another thing... i wanted to get some of my ex-debt paid off before getting alex all affiliated with me and that's not going to happen. he knows how i feel about it, but he doesn't care. guess that's good.

the other thing... with my new name comes new insurance. ones that i could get approval through. so these are the choices as i see them:

1. wait until spring, get new insurance and hope to god policies don't change before then.

2. elope now, get insurance, get approval, have big wedding in a year as planned (and be happy with the photographs)

i'd really like option 2... but i dunno. he actually suggested it, although i think he was half joking. i'm doing my appeal now, if it doens't go through (it won't) i think i might press for #2. thoughts?

in the meatime, my mom is here to do the big meeting of the parents. we're looking at a place tomorrow that i'm really excited about. i have a band that i want (but i'm sure we won't be able to afford) but i DO have a great photographer lined up already that i'm really excited about.

so all in a all, a good start.

3.15.2004

where to begin?

seems like a lifetime since i wrote on this.

lots has happened. went to new orleans. got sunburned. got drunk. ate too much. listened to lots of blues. oh, and got engaged.

that's right. i got myself a big 'ol diamond on my left hand. fancy, custom done, like nohting i've seen before. AND he's had it for 3 months. it's still not real to me, i swear.

more later.

3.04.2004

at this time tomorrow...

i hope to be sitting somewhere on bourbon street, drunk.

it's been a hard coupla of weeks and i'm looking forward to it, for sure.

3.03.2004

there's got to be something really wrong here

so i was finally ok enought to call my casewroker today. too upset yesterday.

GET THIS. they told her that i was approved! THEN turn around and tell her no. how is that possible?? we're waiting for the official letter now to get ready for appeal.

i will win. oh yes, i WILL win.

3.02.2004

tough day

as much as i anticipated this answer, it's had me on the verge of tears all day. i know going home right now isn't going to make me feel better. alex cancelled his plans for tonight cuz he "didn't feel well." bullshit. i know he wants to be home with me because he knows how upset i am. and that's fine and all, but i didn't want him to cancel his plans to babysit me. i'll be fine. i always am, somehow. he even emailed keith to "make sure someone is watching out for her since i can't." i dind't know whether to be awwwed by that or angry. if i hadn't told keith what was going on i would have been livid, because keith, of course, asked lot sof questions. and i would have felt obligated to tell him. at least he already knew, i guess. people are asking me if i can appeal. i don't know. maybe. i'm not sure i have the energy to though. maybe i'll feel differently in a day or two or twenty.

now what

now that i got the call i was expecting all along... a big fat no... what do i do now? i don't think i could handle this process again. i'm already back to thinking about what to do about alex. i feel pretty destroyed. and i know it's because i found out about 15 minutes ago. i can't help thinking that being with me is not fair to him. if this thought persists, i'll have to share it with him, obviously. i guess i just need time to think this all through. not now though. right now i need to focus on work and focus on not bursting into tears sitting at my desk.

3.01.2004

aw

saw this quote from here today.

"people come into your life destined to leave it. you can wrap your arms tight around them, the best that you can hope to do is just slow them down a little. because there's no holding on tight enough."

shared with boy.

me: isn't that sad?
boy: yes
boy: <-- holds on to you tight.

aww.

that was after trying to reach me on im when i was in a mtg. i get back.

me: what did you want to tell me?
boy: it wasn't important I just wanted to hear your voice in my head

it's been a very aww morning.

four days

and we're leaving for new orleans. i suddenly feel so overwhelmed. so much to do to get ready. so much!!!!

2.27.2004

no five today?

the i just picked an old one randomly from a past year. so there.

Jan 31, 2003

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?
the greatest american hero... beleive it or not iiiiiiiiiiiii'm walkin on air! never thought i could feel so fre-e-eeeeeeee!

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?
snoopy sno-cone maker. but my wonderful boyfriend got me one for christmas this past year!

3. What's the furthest from home you've been?
i guess london or bath.

4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet?
how to make jewelry. hopefully that will change this spring.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
having a fdwq get together tonight. going to lowe's for a flooring demo tomorrow. then going out here tomorrow. not sure about sunday. probably the usual house stuff and groceries. although it IS supposed to be 55 this wknd!!!

2.26.2004

ha!

i always thought other people's site referrals were funny to see. and i just saw my first one! the search was for GHETTOASS!!!! what a fantastic first referral! that's so exciting.

drastic measures

ok, ok, so jon thought my post about breaking up with alex was a bit much. yeah, ok. i get that. and it is. and i know i won't. but i'm just so wound up about finding out what's going to happen. i know he doesn't care one way or the other. he's really fantabulous about it. really. it's more about what it is doing/will do to me and my psyche.

more and more i think about how i don't fully appreciate how good i have it right now. ESPECIALLY in contrast to the 6 years of hell i went though. and i can admit that now, it was hell. pure hell. i can't believe i survived it, truly.

melissa asked me where she was the other day. nochalantly. like she used to when she thought i was lying to her (which i always was)... that kind of threw me. like, do you really think she's still around?? and i guess she did. and after me lying to her for so long i guess i shouldn't be surprised.

truthfully, i do wonder a little bit about where she is. if she's got her shit together or if she's still smoking crack. i have to assume she is, that she's found someone else to take advantage of (and for my own sanity). i mean, after 34 years things aren't gonna change overnight.

so as i was saying... i've got it good. and i need to remember that. and realize that i've found someone who treats me as i should be treated... like someone he loves. not someone to manipulate and twist and play and use and hurt over and over and over again...

2.25.2004

still hope, only a glimmer

so, my file is in review with the medical board. there's still hope. i guess. still makes me want to puke.

one of the sheep

a music meme

1. open your mp3 player.
2. put all of your music on random.
3. list the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing

1. drive - melissa ferrick
2. friday - daniel beddingfield
3. sister christian - knight ranger
4. desire - u2
5. rosa parks - outkast
6. i do - 3lw f. loon
7. what up gangsta - 50 cent
8. i think i'm in love with you - jessica simpson
9. oh my god - pink f. peaches
10. solitary man - neil diamond

and because everyone else did it twice:

1. sunday morning - maroon5
2. both hands - ani difranco
3. baby got back - sir mix-a-lot
4. i think it's better - jill scott
5. tonight, not again - jason mraz
6. i wanna be with you - mandy moore
7. crazy - testosterone kills
8. volcano - damien rice
9. caught in the rain - revis
10. woodburning - toad the wet sprocket

2.24.2004

trying not to think about it

i'm really trying not to think about the fact that i'm still waiting. i've completely resigned myself to the fact that it's not happening. and i'm trying to leave it at that.

instead, i'm trying to focus on the impending trip. oh yes, we leave in 10 days for new orleans! i'm excited as i've never been there. i do wish jon was coming but i'm so psyched for him that he's going to london. i'm still trying to finalize my tattoo design, although i'm not sure i'm ready for this one just yet. better get on it though.

in other news, and this is really shameful to admit, i'm trying to get my site up like jon and kia have done. i've got the domain, but that's about it! i can't figure out what to do now. i want to do it in movable type like they did but i don't have the time to commit to figure it out. but now that i have the domain and the host, it seems silly not to do it. plus i should be able to figure it out. alex could help me, but i really don't want him to know where this is. how awful is that? i don't want him to see what i write about him. i suppose the makes me a bad girlfriend. eh, oh well.

eventually i'll get it together. i hope.

so much pressure!

jon is the one that made me start this, and the only one that knew about it. and now he tells me that people are linking to me!!! oh christ. i can't take that kind of pressure.

2.23.2004

monday again

time flies. seriously. i can't believe that another weekend is over. i can't beleive today marks 9 months ago that i first actually met alex. crazy. how much he's become my world. we were grocery shopping last night and realized we both love ginger snaps. guess it's meant to be.

in other news... there still isn't any news. alex was after me "did you call polly? call polly! why haven't you called polly?" or some variation there of. but what is she gonna do? if she knew ANYTHING she'd call me. so i called her. to stop the pestering mainly. saying things like "i know you don't know anything, but alex was pestering me..." she says she's goin to try to find out something this afternoon. we'll see.

ironically we emptied the big stuff out of the summer home. ugh.

2.20.2004

waiting

i'm tried of waiting. i'm done with it. this last week had felt like an eternity. and each day that goes by, each hour that i don't get a phone call resigns me more and more to the fact that it's going to be a "no." why? i don't know. no reason. i think that they must be mailing me the rejection. otherwise i'd get a call. rejections always come in the mail. and i know this whole stress about all this is what's making me tried/sick/listless/miserable. so if it is a "no" then what? i was thinking about that a lot last night. and to his banefit, alex has been great. saying things like "if it's a 'no' you know there are other options right? it will be ok, you know that right??" i nod, but i don't really feel it. i don't think i could take a "no" again. i really don't think so. and then the more i think about it, there really aren't alternatives. not for me. not really. which is why i want it in the first place. and then i think about what it will do to my relationship if it's a "no." and more and more i think that if it is, i might end my relationship. sound rash? maybe, but think about it... my self-esteem is on the low side. and i know that it already bothers him. there are tons of things that i can't do. and i REFUSE to have children in this state. well, why should he be building a life with someone like that? it's not fair to him. and do i think a "yes" will magically change all of that? no, it will be a hard road for a bit, but i know it will change me. completely. but i guess it will either way.

i'm just tired of waiting.

friday five... actually on friday!

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
last thursday

2. ...went to the dentist?
last summer, when i punched the dentist.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
right this very morning in fact, making me late for work

4. ...got enough sleep?
ah, tricky, tricky.... probably like amonth ago when i came home from work on friday, got on the couch and woke up at like 4am. then went back to sleep until like noon. i think i was tried.


5. ...backed up your computer?
my work one gets backed up everyday. my laptop? never.

2.17.2004

i heart you

ha ha... i've never done that. i think it's cute when i see it, but it's not really me. but i thought it was fitting giving that i was going to talk about valentine's day.

so i got these japanese calligraphic prints for alex, but they came like a month early. and i have a real problem waiting when it comes to stuff like that so i ended up convincing him to open it. but then that means that i needed to get him something else. which usually means something for me to wear... but then there's nothing to open. i went shopping, got a nightie that had some real significance to us, so that was great. friday afternoon i decided i wanted to get him a pair of boxers. you know ones with lips or hearts on them. something cheesy but cute. so i run over to marshall fields at lunchtime and i find them. black, silky, with red shiny hearts all over them. perfect.

on the way home stop a tthe new hallmark to get a gift bag or something to put the boxers and the candy in. i'm sitting in the car wrapping the boxers in tissue paper and i notice they have velcro on them. i think, ok, that's weird, why would they have a velcro closure? oh well, and stuff them in the bag.

cut to 6am saturday morning. the i-can-barely-kick-him-out-of-bed-at-7-on-weekdays boy is wide awake and ready to go. ugh. we exchange gifts. he takes out the boxers, we laugh, he puts them on. then it's the "why is there velcro on the....WOOSH" in one swift move, they're off. I BOUGHT HIM TEAR-OFF BOXERS!!! at marshall fields no less!!! so funny!!!!

so anyhow, we had a nice day. ddr-ed in the morning. he had reservations at this restaurant for lunch that i had wanted to go to, so we did that. and then saw 50 first dates. which wasn't awful. then we went at look at couches, stopped at borders for treats and that was that.

until i got to try out the removability of the new boxers myself later. ;)

2.10.2004

it's a revolution!!!

we got our ddr ON last night! about 7:30 our pads and game arrived and alex played a little while i made dinner. we must have done it for like 3 hours at least. so fun! can't believe it! and how quickly we started becoming good at it. i can't believe we own it. fun AND exercise! how can you lose? can't wait to go head to head with him that will be a SOFA KING good time.

in other news, i want this. in motor green, of course. check out the theater!

2.09.2004

the year itch

i've had the year itch in regards to lots of things. jobs, cars, people (to some degree)... i've not been at a job more than a year. well, except cdg, but that wasn't by much. and i LOVE that i'm still on their site. that just rocks.

and i'm getting it again. but i think that has a lot ot do with the general unsettling that had descended on our office. well, at least with most of us. the fdwq bunch, as keith so eloquently puts it. it would be great of something happens. but i'm not sure it will. or at least not the way it should.

ok, i'm going ot admit something here that is probably pretty obvious but i had not been willing to admit. ready? i'm not sure i was ready to jump into a new relationship. wow, that's a shocker huh? although my last relationship was over a long time before i admitted it was (years), i think i needed time to myself. on my own. as much as i didn't want it. i didn't look for alex, he kind of fell in my lap. and he's fantastic, don't get me wrong. i love him completely. but am i being 100% back to him? i don't know. i can't honestly answer that. and that bothers me.

i know alot of my bad tendencies and bahaviors are still there. i have not fully repaired myself. last night is a perfect case in point. that's what's got me thinking...

2.06.2004

friday five

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
up and moved to michigan (again)

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
gosh, i'll have to come back to that one. i'd say surgery, but that's only because of my mom, everyone else is into it.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
3.5?

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
meeting alex

5. ... and what's the worst?
a certain 6 year period of my life, esp how it ended

2.02.2004

the friday five

way way late, i know.

"You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?
alex

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
a debt free existance

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
a house

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
family and friends for sure

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
definitely. i don't know though, i'd have to consult my accountant

1.29.2004

so bad

i'm getting bad at this updating thing again. *sigh*

so the ohio weekend wasn't nearly as awful as i thought it would be. we did end up staying at brian's, but it was all good in the end. jason and satomi let us stay in the guest room. the convention wasn't so bad. saw some very, um, interesting costumes. oh my.

we all ended up having dinner at a japanese restaurant. i used to like japanese food but haven't been too thrilled with it lately. my dinner was ok. alex drank a lot and was a little obnoxious. (little bratty sidenote: it was MY birthday and since apparently i was driving i didn't get to drink anything. not that i necessarily wanted to, but there was zero discussion about it. and that irked me a little bit. i'm not sure i like now he gets when he drinks -- read: stops listening to me completely -- so i'm a little apprehensive about new orlens. but i know i'm being hyper for no reason.)

anyhow... it was ok. i don't really hate brian anymore. and i DID get introduced to ddr. apparently i'm the only person on the planet that had not been informed about this little phenomenon. and as a person witha secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer that's just WRONG! so i was so into it. loved watching these uber geeks just break out in this incredible speed dancing. course since i showed such an intrest you know alex ordered our very own ddr that should be arriving in like a week. all well and good but does he think i'm going to do it in front of him!!! please.

which brings me to my last topic. my life is potentially going to completely change soon. everyone keep your fingers crossed. (that means you jon, you know you're the only one who reads this!)

1.23.2004

friday five

i'm a friday five virgin, but no more!

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ...song?
Volcano, Damien Rice

2. ...food?
Anything that comes out of my showtime, especially steak with blue cheese sauce

3. ...tv show?
friends

4. ...scent?
alex

5. ...quote?
"they can call me crazy if i fail, all the chance that i'll need is one in a million, and they can call me brilliant if i succeed" ani d.

1.22.2004

sometimes i don't get me

so there's been all this talk and upsetedness over my birthday wknd, right? so alex FINALLY gets it. FINALLY gets that no, this wknds plans are not ok with me. in his mind, we'd just celebrate it next wknd when he's talking me to the folk festival. um, ok. i get that. but to me, my birthday is on a saturday, why not celebrate it on a saturday? THAT SATURDAY, not any saturday.

so i say to him, "hey, what if i get us a place in columbus saturday night." that way i'm not saying "spend money on me!" besides, i found a great deal for the westin for a night. but then i decide: hey, maybe i am being a brat and we'll be with his friends, i shouldn't take him away from them and we'll just celebrate it next wknd.

meantime, i had already sent him the "hey i'll get us a place saturday night" email. i get home and he says he'll get the room. what do i do? say no. make him promise that he won't. because it's not really about the room, it's about him getting it. and he got it then. so i guess that's what matters. although WHY DID I SAY NO TO A NIGHT AT THE WESTIN??? argh.

then, last night we were eating after the seminar i dragged him to and he says "where do you want to have your birthday dinner?" now, i know FULL WELL where he wants to go. the same place we always go when we go to ohio, the wing place. is this where i want to go? no, not really. but again, his friends are there and i know that's where they all want to go. cuz that's what we always do. and then he's saying things like "well, if it were MY birthday i know where I'D want to go" so i'm all like "yeah fine, we'll go to the lube, i assumed we were."

why don't i assert myself? say what i want? i never get that about me.

1.21.2004

trips

seems like there's been lots of trip planning as of late. like going to new orleans in march, yay! seems that worked out for the best. got a timeshare thanks to my parents and melissa and trish will be joining us for part of the week which will be so much fun.

then there's planning for our 1 year anniversary. yep, already. alex had the idea to go to stratford and was so so so excited about it. i will be fun. especially since i got to pick the b&b we're staying at which is so fancy! yay for the blue room!

but then there's this wknd. my 27th birthday. i have a horrible track record on birthday experiences, thanks to my ex. i recall one in particular roaming around the super, super bad ghettoass area of hartford at like 1am looking for the RENTAL car i had at the time. hoping to run into the dealer i suppose who would just hand it over to me? who knows what i thought would happen. then taking a nap at a "friend" of her's total crack den while i waited for the guy who was supposed to show up at 3am. good times, good times.

so after 6 years of spending my birthday in various degrees of badness, i had high hopes that my boy would do someting nice. i guess i excpeted him to know that i've had shitty birthdays and that, for once, i wanted to feel like a princess.

yeah. well, no, that ain't gonna happen. cuz he had talked me into going to THIS before i knew when it was. so that's right folks, i'll be spending my birthday wknd at an anime convention in columbus, ohio. (cuz y'all know how much i love that anime). the only way it could get worse is if we had to stay at zellner's. oh wait, we are. on the floor.

i'm not destined to have a nice birthday, ever. although, this doesn't compare to ghetto crackville birthdays, no. but still... when am i going to get treated like a princess?? the thing that gets me is that this behavior in and of itself is so unlike my boy. i mean, did we already forget this?

1.14.2004

what do you say?

so i went to bed early last night since i was tired and alex was off doing his gaming thing he does on tuesday nights. he always wakes me when he gets home around 11 or 12. i can tell he wants to talk about it, so i let him even though i don't understand it. so i try to understand it. still don't. eh, whatever. it makes him happy and it's harmless.

him: so it's pretty dorky, huh?
me: eh, it's fine. and you like it, it makes you happy, right?
him: yeah
me: besides there are worse things yo ucould be doing (in my head i'm thinking strip clubs, and am about to say it, as a total joke...)
him: yeah, i could be doing drugs


yeah. thanks.

1.06.2004

2004

well new years came and went. it was... tiring. we ended up having about 10 guests come over. i didn't think cooking and making dips and stuff would be as completely exhausting as it was. i left work around noon and we had to do a little last-minute shopping. i got into the kitchen around 3 and didn't stop until dinner was served around 8 or 8:30. didn't feel like i made a lot, but whew. tiring. the good part? after making all that food i had absolutely no desire to eat any of it.

i think everyone enjojyed themselves. i got to spend some time with people i hadn't before. some of alex's friends that i either met for the first time or really got to talk to for the first time. and it's very exciting because i think we're goign to start hanging out with this one couple more. i wish we were friends with more couples. i guess we're on our way. they're fun and i enjoyed their company.

i've definitely gotten lots of use out of grill already. i use it almost everytime i cook now, i really love it.

oh and i just finished watching parts of the live broadcast of the macworld expo in san francisco. how much do i want this?!?! ao cute.

so my mom calls this morning. seems we got a timeshare in new orleans after all. we'll be saying here. Pay no attention to the site, it's the only place i could find pictures. hopefully jon and melissa can join us. i hope to make that an annual event, too.

saturday i go for my psych eval. it's the last step before insurance sumission. scary shit. it will either change everything in my life completely, or completely change my life. no pressure.