4.30.2004
W04021300140
that's the number that's going ot change my life. my approval code. i feel like getting a tattoo of it.
i have a date
i have a fucking date for surgery!!!!! i don't believe it. i'm in awe.
my mom is not thrilled, i'll have to work through that.
what a year it's been.
so i'll be simultaneously be recovering/adjusting, doing home improvements and planning a wedding.
sheesh.
my whole life is going to change. big time.
my mom is not thrilled, i'll have to work through that.
what a year it's been.
so i'll be simultaneously be recovering/adjusting, doing home improvements and planning a wedding.
sheesh.
my whole life is going to change. big time.
4.29.2004
I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had my hearing and they were suppose dto tell me tomorr wbut they called like 10 minutes after and TOLD ME I GOT IT!!!!!!
I WON!!!!!!!
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WON!!!!!!!
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4.28.2004
because i like to rip things off and i need a distraction right now
firsts & lasts
firsts
first best friend: stephanie huot
first job: taco bell, baby
first screen name: malatesta
first self purchased album: def leppard "pyromania"
first crush: nathan cullerot in the fourth grade. he used to draw me pictures and buy me candy.
first funeral: a distant relative and i don't really remember, but i remember we walked into the wrong room.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: for the store the weathervane in high scool.
first true love: nina.
first enemy: tonya simpson.
first big trip: i went to mexico and florida and california when i was young, before my mom remarried, but it's vague.
first play/musical/performance: i think it was "the king and i" with my mom. i was really young.
lasts
last cigarette: new orleans, in the funky pirate while drinking horny gators.
last car ride: to work this morning.
last bus ride: in new orleans as a connector and also oak alley plantation the morning i was going to get engaged.
last good cry: good cry? i don't remember. last time i cried, cried was during wedding planning stress.
last library book: "the kid" by dan savage
last movie seen: "13 going on 30"
last beverage drank: fruit2o plus, berry relaxing
last food consumed: salad for lunch
last crush: holly
last phone call: jmac
last tv show watched: 24 last night
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my black work shoes.
last annoyance: a co-worker's stupidity.
last disappointment: my insurance company being stupid.
last ice cream eaten: phish food cone at ben & jerry's free cone day yesterday.
last shirt worn: currently, i'm wearing a white one with blue and blach vertical striping. the last one before this was a turtleneck i wore to work yesterday. thrilling.
last website visited: here. that's where i got this.
firsts
first best friend: stephanie huot
first job: taco bell, baby
first screen name: malatesta
first self purchased album: def leppard "pyromania"
first crush: nathan cullerot in the fourth grade. he used to draw me pictures and buy me candy.
first funeral: a distant relative and i don't really remember, but i remember we walked into the wrong room.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: for the store the weathervane in high scool.
first true love: nina.
first enemy: tonya simpson.
first big trip: i went to mexico and florida and california when i was young, before my mom remarried, but it's vague.
first play/musical/performance: i think it was "the king and i" with my mom. i was really young.
lasts
last cigarette: new orleans, in the funky pirate while drinking horny gators.
last car ride: to work this morning.
last bus ride: in new orleans as a connector and also oak alley plantation the morning i was going to get engaged.
last good cry: good cry? i don't remember. last time i cried, cried was during wedding planning stress.
last library book: "the kid" by dan savage
last movie seen: "13 going on 30"
last beverage drank: fruit2o plus, berry relaxing
last food consumed: salad for lunch
last crush: holly
last phone call: jmac
last tv show watched: 24 last night
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my black work shoes.
last annoyance: a co-worker's stupidity.
last disappointment: my insurance company being stupid.
last ice cream eaten: phish food cone at ben & jerry's free cone day yesterday.
last shirt worn: currently, i'm wearing a white one with blue and blach vertical striping. the last one before this was a turtleneck i wore to work yesterday. thrilling.
last website visited: here. that's where i got this.
4.27.2004
what kind of twilight zone am i in?
i don't know when my world got all screwy but i'd like it back to normal please.
yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.
we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.
so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.
it's nina.
WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?
WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.
thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.
as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.
but i'm different now, right?
it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.
so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.
he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.
i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.
i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.
EXCUSE ME????????
after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.
i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.
people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.
yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.
we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.
so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.
it's nina.
WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?
WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.
thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.
as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.
but i'm different now, right?
it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.
so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.
he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.
i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.
i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.
EXCUSE ME????????
after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.
i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.
people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.
4.19.2004
sunshine day
saturday we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the more i think about it the more the movie, and what it meant to me, kinda fucked me up. i've been kind of messed up since then. i planned to post all my thoughts on it but i just don't feel like getting into it right now.
4.12.2004
i stand corrected
my bad. jon, you're absolutely right. i want to be a choreographer. so bad. maybe i blocked it because secretly in my mind i already am.
been so long...
that there's been a friday five, i didn't bother checking on friday.
1. What do you do for a living?
graphic designer
2. What do you like most about your job?
that i love it
3. What do you like least about your job?
mmm.... when a client makes you do exactly what they want, even when you know it's not in their best interest
4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
someone is being stupid. silly drama....
5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
i have always wanted to be an astronaut... although that's not as cool these days. honestly when i'm independantly wealthy i want to make jewelry and do design for good causes (like breast cancer awareness, etc...)
1. What do you do for a living?
graphic designer
2. What do you like most about your job?
that i love it
3. What do you like least about your job?
mmm.... when a client makes you do exactly what they want, even when you know it's not in their best interest
4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
someone is being stupid. silly drama....
5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
i have always wanted to be an astronaut... although that's not as cool these days. honestly when i'm independantly wealthy i want to make jewelry and do design for good causes (like breast cancer awareness, etc...)
4.09.2004
getting calmer
i SWORE i'd never be one of those girls who was a mess when it came to her wedding. yeah, that went out the door REALLY quickly. poor alex. i don't envy him the next few months.
but i think i have a little bit of a leg to stand on. first of all, i've only got like 50 people max that i am going to invite. he's got at least 100. at least. that's because he needs to invite EVERYONE he's related to in ANYWAY. and not to be a brat, but i have a little experience here, black families are friggin huge! and he has to invite all his cousins and all their kids and all their kid's kids. and that's only his black side of the family. then he's got his mom's side with is 6 siblings, thier spouses, their kids, UGH! then there's his dad who wants us to do this or do that, or use this place or that. and invite a bunch of HIS friends. at least with his dad i think the answer is clearly "no money, no say." isn't that terrible? but we're footing the bill ourselves completely.
and as far as the extended family goes, i think there should be some sort of age limit (as in really young kids). i also think that if he hasn't seen them it the last year. if i don't even know who they are and if, say, they didn't know he had a girlfriend, i think they could probably be discluded. cuz i've not met 100 people in the past year, i tell you that much.
and i'm NOT having a backyard bbq for my reception. no thanks. or a vfw hall. nope. i'll pull my "i'm the bride, it's about me" card if i have to.
on the upside, i think we're going to spain, that could be really fun.
but i think i have a little bit of a leg to stand on. first of all, i've only got like 50 people max that i am going to invite. he's got at least 100. at least. that's because he needs to invite EVERYONE he's related to in ANYWAY. and not to be a brat, but i have a little experience here, black families are friggin huge! and he has to invite all his cousins and all their kids and all their kid's kids. and that's only his black side of the family. then he's got his mom's side with is 6 siblings, thier spouses, their kids, UGH! then there's his dad who wants us to do this or do that, or use this place or that. and invite a bunch of HIS friends. at least with his dad i think the answer is clearly "no money, no say." isn't that terrible? but we're footing the bill ourselves completely.
and as far as the extended family goes, i think there should be some sort of age limit (as in really young kids). i also think that if he hasn't seen them it the last year. if i don't even know who they are and if, say, they didn't know he had a girlfriend, i think they could probably be discluded. cuz i've not met 100 people in the past year, i tell you that much.
and i'm NOT having a backyard bbq for my reception. no thanks. or a vfw hall. nope. i'll pull my "i'm the bride, it's about me" card if i have to.
on the upside, i think we're going to spain, that could be really fun.
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