confirmed

i have no idea why i had such a hard time believing i am pregnant (even sounds weird to me now...). i think part of it stems from reading so many infertility blogs because i think the women are fantastic writers and interesting and whatnot. i also kind of feel like a traitor now. how weird is that?

i know, i have issues.

anyway, today was my official "first" appointment with the doctor. only it wasn't.

here's the deal.

in august we went to see alex's brother greg. the one with ms. on the 4 hour drive home, about 30 minutes from here alex asks me why i keep telling people who ask when we're going to have kids "well, i just started a new job so at least a year" when all along we hadn't planned on anything for a few years.

i have no idea why i said that to people other than it was a convenient answer and a way to get people to leave me the eff alone already.

the conversation basically ended when we decided maybe it was time. after that we were silent, both in shock, like, did we just decide to do this? we were going to go on my company trip a few weeks after that so we figured after we returned we'd "see what happens."

well, i'll tell you what happened! i pretty much knew instantaneously. i guess some people do. i was afraid maybe i was imagining it, but it something was different. the day to take the test came and i was pretty confident... until i looked at it and saw one line. then alex looked at it and pointed out there WAS a second one. sort of. barely. and what did that mean? here we are noses to the pee stick trying to figure out what it all meant.

being the impatient people that we are,we went straight back out to get the more expensive, digital test. and i did it the following day. (btw, i highly recommend these). i had scarcely put the cap on when the "positive" popped, very clearly, into the display. and there it was. clear as day.

calling the doctor that monday morning was anti-climactic but also surprising. they didn't want to see me for weeks. what? don't i need to go in and verify or something? no? really? well ok. and then BOOM they just tell you your due date right then! now I've learned since how easy it is to figure out and all that, but i guess i was expecting more... of a big deal? nope. june 4. there it is. crazy.

so that was that. and i waited. and then the next week came. with the spotting. everything i read said this "could be normal... but CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY" um, ok. so i'm freaked out and i call the doctor. i speak with a nurse. she tells me "not to worry unless it gets really bad or bright red." ok, what i want to know is who is the judge of this, exactly? cuz a first-time-pregnant-girl? not the best judge. i was a MESS.

the following monday (after a particularly horrible "spotting" weekend -- when does it cross the line to bleeding? i'm pretty sure it did while walking through whole foods) i had my first appointment which is only with a nurse to get a crapload of paperwork. we discussed the spotting and she asked when my first doctor appointment was. i told her in 2 weeks (today) and she said that wasn't ok and we needed to get in sooner. i'm pretty sure she was certain i was miscarrying, and didn't want to say it.

at any rate she manged to get me in the very next morning with a different doctor in the practice. i was nervous, but happy to finally know something. he explained to me all the things we could see (or not see) on the internal ultrasound. and that he wasn't sure we'd see anything since it was so early (7 weeks by their crazy math). turns out there was something to see. there was a little sac with a teeny-tiny monkey inside (we're not finding out the sex so that is what we're calling him). we got to see the little heartbeat and everything. he confirmed all was well.

and he also found the reason i was bleeding. the second, clearly visible, but empty, second sac. so i guess there had been a reason to worry after all.

i try not to get too upset about the other one... and focus on the happy, healthy monkey we do have.

since we had a picture, even though it was still very early, we felt "safe" telling people. that's a post for another time. although as soon as we told the first person i was TERRIFIED something would go wrong. convinced in fact.

for some reason the appointment today was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. i met my doctor (she's FAB) and i expected her to be overly cautious like the last doctor had been and be very careful to warn me of all the badness that we may see (or not see). but no, it was totally a normal visit. and we have a new photo. and he's so big! (ok, relatively, really only like 9mm, but GIANT compared to 2 weeks ago when you could barely see anything).

so there we have it. almost 9 weeks along. i want to be happy and not so worried. i thought today would do it, and it did. but now i have to make decisions about testing. argh.

it's just the beginning :)

(in case it doesn't sound like i'm excited, rest assured, i am. i talk to him all the time. yes, i'm one of those people. but i also talk to all kinds of inanimate objects too. and i can never take anything less than a whole bunch of bananas at the store because i feel so bad leaving those other ones behind. yeah, i have issues, and now i've overshared. ah well!)

yeah yeah

ok, i know i've been MIA for, ok, well a long time. i suck, fine.

well seems my new friend called me out for not posting so here goes.

truth is? i've been really overwhelmed by a lot lately.

since i last posted, we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary (very nice) and alex's 32nd birthday (let's really forget the part about me saying it was his 31st shall we? apparently i have no idea how old my husband is).

i also "broke up" with one of my old friends. certainly not my dearest by any stretch and it was a LONG TIME COMING but it still sucked. she did not take it well. she said some really nasty things to me, which although they hurt, it really reaffirmed for me that i made the right decision.

there's also all this complication with my mother. it's gotten worse, unbelievably, but it has. i have some really tough decisions to make about her and if i want to continue to try or not.

mostly i'm really ok with not. but things have changed recently.

because, yes, there is other news. good news. fabulous news even. but i'm still a little weirded out talking about it just... yet... ha! crazy isn't it?

i'll leave you with a photo. the photo says it all. this t-shirt is hilarious i think. especially given my particular set of circumstances. i try not to think about the fact that it's only available in junior's sizes... egad!