12.30.2005

what happens in vegas...

..should DEFINITELY stay there.

now i know why this slogan is such a success. seriously. we had the worst. christmas. ever.

i'm too done with it right now to even explain. let's just leave it at i spoke to my mom on the phone on christmas day briefly and i haven't SEEN her since christmas eve. yeah, we were all staying in the same suite. it's not pretty.

i wonder how long it will be before i hear from her again.

i'm still trying to figure out exactly what we did wrong.....

12.22.2005

one year ago today

my granfather died.

it was a horrible last month or so for us. i'm so grateful that i got to spend that time with him and that he knew who i was most of the time and we communicated. but it was heartwrenching and so draining on my mom and i. i wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. i woould have loved him to have been able to be at my wedding. but it was his time.

which is why this yeah my family is going to vegas for christmas. it was always my grandpa's big day. he's put on his santa hat and pass out the gifts one by one. we all had our spots where we'd sit and he'd pretend not ot be be able to read the tags then get mad if more than one present for the same person was in a row. he'd save all his gifts until the end. then there was always the traditional "oops i forgot gift." we all miss him terribly.

so this year, a change of pace, and cleaning of the slatem if you will. it will be too painful to go through the old traditions which would really be new anyway since my parents have moved and all... but this year my mom wants vegas. so vegas it is.

we leave tomorrow at 2pm. ought to be interesting.

happy holidays to everyone. hope you spend it the way you hope to with the people you love.

12.20.2005

and more with pictures

this weekend i surpassed a milestone that was only a dream 18 months ago. i have now officially lost over 200 pounds. (202 as of today, but who's couting.) i'm within EIGHT pounds of having a "normal" weight. EIGHT POUNDS. i can't believe it.

it's been quite a year i'll admit.

If you're so inclined, take a peek.

12.12.2005

two rooms down, one to go

we're kicking some serious house butt latey.

in two weekends we conquered the big room. pulled up up the rug, painted, tore down all the tile around the fireplace, tore down that weird railing that seperated it from the kitchen, got new speakers, ran the wiring (through the walls) and put down bamboo floor #2.



oh, and we hung the new ceiling fan too. ok, alex did that, on the top of the 12' ladder. very. carefully. i don't have pictures of that yet.

all we need to do is build the bar, retile around the fireplace, hang the tv and put up the new mantle too. oh, and the curtains. i'm gonna make them. since they need to be 11' tall. and 11' tall curtains are really expensive, especially when you need 6.

but yay!

12.05.2005

a new obsession

i love bloglines. i have heard people talk about it and i finally looked into it. i have all the sites i read in my list. it's FABULOUS! i only need to check one place and then i can see if there's anything new. lovely! now, the only problem since it takes up so much less time i need all of you guys to post more often so i have things to keep my occupied! work, bah. who needs it. actually things are picking up so it's very convenient to have this nifty feature. maybe i need some new sites to read. yes, that must be it. i have also, finally, caught up with everything since i stopped reading before the wedding/honeymoon/etc. so i feel all up to date. it's such a strange phenomenon, i feel like i "know" some of these people and clearly i so don't. it's very interesting.

i was so excited, Day, to get a comment from you. and i replied (or tried to) but you didn't put in your email. and i know i can get it from your site, but then i felt like i wasn't sure if i was "supposed" to since you didn't leave it there... i'm new at that, actual comments. it's crazy! but thank you, and i hope all is going well with the move.

12.02.2005

and another one?

there's another friend of mine getting divorced. now. also, not a surprise so much though. but still hard. because they have a little boy. alex and i saw this one coming from a mile away though. she's young (25) he's not much older. high-school sweethearts, married for 4 or 5 years now i guess. their son is 3. sounds good right? well it was.

i met her through an online wls support group. she was a few months ahead of me post-op and she helped me through things and we shared our experiences and craziness and all that. she also has become obsessed with "completing her transformation" which has included A LOT of plastic surgery. for months, even before she started, she stopped wearing her wedding ring because it was "too big" and would constantly tell me about the guys hitting on her all the time or checking her out constantly. now, i had surgery 3 months after getting engaged. my ring only fit for a few months, for the rest of the time until about a month before the wedding i had a huge sizer put in. no way was i not wearing it. it was very important to me. (i ended up having to get it sized to a 5 from a 10). and i suppose i must have guys checking me out, but i don't notice. and i think guys flirt with me but i don't pay any heed. partially cuz it's new to me and mostly because i don't care. so it always surprised me that this was a constant topic for her.

so she's done a bunch of plastic surgery and always seems to be going out. she doesn't work (she was ina major car accident that required a major knee operation in which she had to lose weight first, hence the wls, and she just recently had that knee surgery too amidst all the ps). anyway, we just weren't surprised to hear they were separated.

now she did not want to go into the details online, understandable, but i wonder wether it's her wanting to be free to be the new her, if it's him being jealous of the new attention she's receiving and can't handle the way she's treating it, or if there was an event. i guess i'll find out eventually, or maybe i never will. but it's interesting that i was discussing her (abstractly) at my talk this week because i hear of this happening all too often, of relationships/friendships crumbling when you have wls because either the person changes and wants to get out of the relationships they are in or the other people can't handle the change, the new confidence in the person or can't handle being the bigger person (with friendships) etc.

i knew that was a possibility, and i also knew the friendships were too solid for that. thank goodness i was right.

12.01.2005

it's not as sordid as it sounds, i don't think

so i have a friend of mine that i've been friends with for about 13 years or so. not my closest friend by any stretch, but always there and stuck around through my horrible last relationship (including the retreating from everyone, suicide attempt, etc etc) and anyone who stuck around through all that, well, that's a good friend.

anyway. she got married a few weeks after i moved back to michigan. i was unable to afford to be there for it, but sad to say, i did not take it seriously. she was one of those types that felt like she HAD to get married at a certain time. i never liked him and didn't think it was a good idea, but it was not my decision to make. her family is well off and it was a HUGE wedding. HUGE (think over 400 people).

i think they had a pretty rocky one, but she hid a lot from me, her parents, everyone. she's very concerned about appearances, even though i stressed to her that i could relate! can't make someone talk. she'd accidentally send me emails meant for him (we have the same name) and so i got some insight.

i was scared when she started talking about trying to get pregnant to "save" the marriage, cuz that works.

she started talking separating this summer. i urged her to do what was best. but every time she'd start sounding serious she'd back off with excuses like "well, i'm not sure he's take care of the cats if i moved out." and so it continued. i'd gently ask her how things were going and then i got the "we went out to dinner and talked and everything is fine now." yeah, ok, i believe that.

he refused to accompany her to my wedding. she was a bridesmaid. she said they could not afford for both of them to fly here. fair enough, i couldn't afford to go to hers, i understand that. (come to find out later he refused to come because i did not go to theirs and he had forbade her to be in mine, luckily she did not listen. but that's another story). i knew he had destroyed her self-esteem over the 6 years they had been together. she went from the assertive/loud/confident person to a shy/introverted/self-deprecating one. and it was sad to see. i hoped that coming here to michigan and being away from him would help her get the strength to leave him.

now, another good friend of mine that i work with but did not really socialize with was also part of the wedding. the reason we did not socialize is that he was in a horrible relationship too, and it just wasn't a good scene. he's a great guy but she had some major issues, they fought all the time and she was a big drinker and that's just not our scene (they broke up in the summer when she decided she wanted to move to california). like a month before the wedding i asked him if he'd be in charge of the music for the ceremony. it was all being run off an ipod and the processional was rather complicated and having someone in charge was needed. he agreed and we were all set.

now, being my wedding and all, i was a little oblivious to the goings on around me at the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. although i knew all the girls were quite taken by said guy friend. he was their entertainment hands down, which was actually kind of nice. but it wasn't until my side was hanging out after the rehearsal dinner in the hotel lounge when h came up to me and said "dude, you did not TELL me how cute she is!" to which i responded "but she's married." and then one of the other girls pointed out to me that she was not wearing her wedding rings. ponderous.

so my guy friend, being a biker, took the girls on spins around town, which they loved. hell, i love riding on it around town when he rides to work. and everyone was having a good time. end of night, he had to stay, too much to drink and ended up staying in the room with two of the bridesmaids as i was staying with my maid of honor that night.

nothing happened, since it was a group deal and i left on my honeymoon and all was well. when i got back i realized that they had been talking like every day since the wedding and that she had started divorce proceedings.

since then (remember my wedding was sept 10) she's gotten her own apartment, all the papers are filed and the court date is in a few weeks.

now the thing is, my two friends are together now. she did not cheat on her husband while she was here. but they are definitely an item now. she's coming here for the week between christmas and new years. and they wheels are in motion for her to move here at the end of the school year (she's a teacher).

now i never thought of them as a couple, as that was not a possibility in my mind. but knowing them both very well, it works. absolutely. also, knowing them both, i know their feelings are legit. she'd already turning back into the person i knew before. which is so great to see. her friend and family on the east coast don't see it that way. they think she's leaving her husband for him. and that's not the case. at all. her marriage was over a long time ago but since she hid so much from everyone, well, they didn't know.

it's weird now things work out. the prospect of her being here and so close to me again is so not something i ever thought would happen, and truthfully, i'm pretty excited. for them and for me.

11.30.2005

the pleasure was all mine

so my caseworker lady from my surgical group left that old group to start a new one nearer to me. (mine was over an hour away). i never had gone to any of the support group or post-op meetings because they were always on like a wednesday evening at 6 and there was no way i could get our of work exactly on time, fight the rush hour traffic and hope to get there even remotely on time. anyway... after i got back from the honeymoon, said case worker called me and told me about her new position and asked if i'd be willing to come and be a guest speaker at their first meeting. i was pretty flattered that she asked me and i of course readily agreed.

the meeting was last night. i took great pains to make sure i looked good, dragged out the makeup, did the hair, everything. debated on what to wear, knowing everyone would be checking out my body closely as I did to older pre-ops back then. i wore what i consider The Best Jeans Ever? (yes, i stole that from seeing Cecily's references to her dog. my apologies for the rip-off). ANYWAY, so the jeans. they are fabulous. and a red button down shirt. i was feeling great, of not a bit nervous.

so we get there and go up to the room that we were supposed to and find it locked. well, now i'm confused. we ended up traipsing all over the hospital trying to figure it out then finally found the information desk and they pointed us in the right direction. i was annoyed, since we were told the wrong room, but also since now it looked like i was 20 minutes late, which i HATE being late. but whatever.

we went over all of my pictures that my buddy keith and i had carefully taken and documented along the journey which i think was really helpful for everyone to see. i got to tell my story and even take a lot of q&a and i gotta tell you, i loved it. i loved being able to share my experiences and offer reassurance and as my case worker puts it "be an incredible role model." now, i'm not sure about that last part, but it still felt nice.

and how weird was it that for the first time in my life i was conscious og being the absolutely thinnest person in the room. very strange feeling.

I've come a long way baby.

11.29.2005

thanksgiving

we really did have a lot to be thankful for this year as alex's dad came home thanksgiving morning and we were able ot have our dinner together as planned. everyone was quite relieved. it was a nice time and festive. i brought a few dishes over (that I could eat) and some pies that were no-sugar-added that i made. two pumpkin, two pecan. it's funny as generally no one wants to touch sugar-free stuff and we ended up not having any pie to take home as everyone divvied up the leftovers, even of my splenda cranberry sauce. that was the one everyone ate. go figure!

it's all good, although i was hoping i might get a little pumpkin pie! oh well.

we spent the rest of the weekend working on the house and beginning to look at furniture to put on top of our beautiful new floor. we're starting the next room after christmas, new tile around the fireplace and bamboo in there as well. and the bar. he wants to build a bar. like a breakfast bar type thing. god help me.

we keep this up and i'll be pretty attached to this house. it's already starting with him. and all of these improvements were only uspposed to be for resale. i'm starting to think that things might be changing. but that's ok. i think. for now.

11.23.2005

must every major holiday have a cloud hanging over it?

last christmas was rough. very rough. i mean, having my beloved grampa's funeral on christmas eve, it doesn't' get much more brutal than that. having spend the previous month sitting at his bedside with my mom watching him die. it was very hard. i mean, for weeks i was the only one who could get him to eat or drink anything, and when he started praying, oh man. and christmas was always his thing. he wore the santa hat and handed out the gifts. needless to say, it wasn't very festive. and this year my parents are going to vegas for christmas and we're going because i know my mom needs me with her this year.

so, now alex's dad is in the hospital. he has all the same things my grampa had, chf, diabetes, etc etc. and he is roughly the same age. my grampa was 77. young. his dad is early 70s. so.... not all that dissimilar. he had the heart attach monday. as of yesterday they found some blockages. they are doing tests right now to determine if he needs a bypass. alex is a mess. i feel like an old pro. i know the hospital drill, we did it for years with gramps. so, i dare say tomorrow will be a hospital bedside day. and that's ok. we gotta do what we gotta do, right? as much as my FIL annoys me and frustrates me, i know how close they are and i'm behind that and will do whatever we need to do.

don't get me started on his mother. i never had a problem with her until now. and i don't know how to deal. that's a story for another time.

11.15.2005

the floor

we have a floor people. i repeat, we have a floor. over 1.5 years of only having a subfloor and WE HAVE A FLOOR.

i can't even fathom it.



(did i mention we put it in all my ourselves?)

11.08.2005

all my dreams shattered in less than an hour

my entire life i've secretly wanted to be a choreographer. i know, i know, silly. i never even took any sort of dance ever. i mean, come on, i was a really heavy and shy kid. dance wasn't happening.

so now that i'm all in shape (relatively) and we've become exercise freaks (who knew?) and i've run a 5K, i figure, well, it's time to be adventurous.

i see bally's has a hip hop class. i figure aerobics set to hip-hop right? i can do that. sounds fun. yeah, well, that wasn't the case. after the warm up which consisted of about 1000 different kinds of crunches and a gazillion lunges we launched into the choreography. choreography people!

at first a part of me, that little wanna be hip-hop dancer was excited. it was a disaster. i. cannot. dance. to. save. my. life.

11.02.2005

no news is good news... right?

so i've heard nothing from the neoroligist about my mris. i think that's good, right? i mean if there was somethig horrible on it someone would have called me, i'd think. right? i suppose this means i need to call his office. soon. not yet. i'm enjoying thinking that everything is fine. give me a few days.

in other, more exciting news, my flatiron finally shipped. omg i can't wait. i have no idea how i've lived without one all my life.

10.24.2005

two for one, what fun!

so saturday i had to go my mri. i was already in a pissy mood, due to, in no small way the actual mri. i've got a claustrophobia issue and the first time i got one i really flipped out. they had covered my eyes up. they told me "most people like it this way" and having not had one before, i believe them. it was horrible. i was *thisclose* to making them take me out. whn finally the table started moving out i was so relieved until they jsut injected stuff in my arm and put me back in! horrible.

at any rate, the last set was much better. i'm sure since i knew what to expect and since my eyes were open (if i so chose) and there was a nifty little mirror in there that allowed me to see out. all was great. until they tried to do the injection and blew the vein in a BIG way. and it hurt like hell i thought i was going to die. ok, maybe i'm exaggerating, but whatever. it hurt, ok?

so needless to say, not looking forward to it all again in saturday, especially since it was nly like 3 months since the last series. so i get there, give them the paperwork. of course they can't find me old last name/new last name debacle. they find me. then tell me "oh we only scheduled you for one you'll have to come back for the other one. perfect. let's do this TWICE. kickass. i didn't argue, what could i do at that point, right? so i go in and freeze my ass off. hell people! it's freezing in there! some heat would be nice. whatev. so we do the whole first set, no injections, takes an hour. fine. as i'm leaving they tell me we can do the other one tomorrow. we have an opening so you don' have to reschedule. ok, that sounds nice, i'll do that. at 7AM!!! eh, fine.

so i get up way too early for a sunday get ready and leave and realize on the way to the hospital that since i can't drink anything before the test, and this is the one with the injection, this is not going to be pretty. my veins suck and the only way that they are ok is if i load up on the water. oh well.

at least i've dressed better for this one. many layers and i make them give me a blanket too. and of course the injection took 3 tries but at least they did not blow the vein. course i left while alex was still asleep and apparently i forgot to tell him (or more likely he forget/didn't listen) so i turn my phone on on the way to starbucks to get a much deserved latte most mri and he's like "where the hell are you!?!!?" it was like 10am by then. thanks dear.

so, we wait. and i rescheduled my appointment with the neuro-opthamologist that was supposed to be tomorrow. it was a followup from 3 months ago but then i figured i'd have to fill him in in the diagnosis, the new dr who will not confirm the diagnosis, the new symptoms, the PRK and not have the new mri films. figured it would be better to wait. damn a lot happened in 3 months.

10.21.2005

saw this on another blog. cracks me up.

Google for "[insert name here] needs" and post the top ten results.

Christina needs to hear from you right away so she can plan effectively.

Christina needs to advance from good to great.

Christina needs to own her whiteness and stop trying to be a rapper 2.

Christina needs someone who can handle her behaviors in a patient, consistent and loving way and who can demonstrate an appropriate role model.

Christina needs to wear clothes ON TOP of her underwear.

Christina needs to consume 1725 calories per day to maintain her current weight, and 2225 to gain one pound per week.

Christina needs our votes!

And yes, Christina needs here own podcast if she will.

Christina needs to get her angels back.

Christina needs to come down to earth and not expect so much.

10.18.2005

someday i'll get to it

you know, to the rest of the wedding story and the honeymoon. someday. soon. i'm trying to decide which wedding pictures to order they are just so amazing. everyone tells us we look like magazine ads in them. and they're right. it's so weird. we do look amazing. weird to say that. weirder to keep saying "my husband."

anyway, we did go see the new neurologist again. yeah, remember all that crappy stuff that was going on that i neatly tucked away as i was busy getting married? yeah that. time to deal with that again.

the good news is that my leg issue disappeared. i don't know when. but i realized sometime at club med that it was no longer tingling. probably on the trampoline. man we had fun. anyway... i also noticed at club med during morning stretch class that i now have an issue with my right arm. only the right. whenever we're exercising (usually yoga) ad my right arm is above my head when i lower it i get shooting numbness from my shoulder to my fingers. not too fun.

so anyway we go see him (man i love that doctor) and tell him what's been going on. he checks me out again and says my reflexes are better than he expected them to be. he also told me all the extra testing he did (to make sure my body could handle the drugs) all came back clean and normal. all the consults he had in regard to my surgery all said if my tests were clean i was fine for the drugs.

all well and good right? well except he's not convinced i even have ms. or that i need to start the drugs. SUCH a change from the old neurologist. keep in mind though that she did not do the correct mri series on me. so this saturday i go and get the correct series done. if it shows any lesions anywhere, i have ms and we start therapy. if there are still no lesions, then we do nothing. until i have what appears to be an attack, or in 6 months when we need to repeat the cycle.

here's to a clean mri series!

10.05.2005

where did september go?

i have had no time to write and i'm afraid by the time i do that i will have forgotten everything. ha! no way. i can't believe it's october already. where did september go? my god it was all a blur.

so here is a recount of the last few weeks, in abbreviated form.

thursday, september 8
first day off. i start the day with my b12 injection. fun. we then go downtown to have breakfast and do some errands. i get my pedicure done (to save time tomorrow) i leave alex at the mall with his dad to pick up tuxes and have lunch and i run to the seamstress to pick up my dress. my dress is gorgeous. and as i look at it i think "who the hell is getting in this tiny thing?" talk with the seamstress a bit, she's so awesome and was so good to me. leave there, race to the house to hide my dress away and go back to meet alex. do some more last minute errands then it's time to go to the airport! trish and melissa were going to be arriving! as we're getting off the exit, ym mom calls. they are stuck in traffic at the windsor border. we assure her it will get better and then hang up. alex drops me off ot go in and meet them and he stays with the car to avoid having to park. perfect timing, trish's plane had arrived and melissa's was landing. i wait... and wait... i forget how big the terminal really is as i wait on the other side of the glass doors. finally i see trisha. and she come through the doors... and walks right by me. nice. i call out to her and she's like OMG i didn't recognize you AGAIN. now, it's only been 2 months since i've seen her but i guess another 20 pounds down and now no glasses as well can really throw someone. i am so excited to see her! she grabs her luggage and we wait for melissa. she arrivs a few mintes later, more hugs and happiness then out to the car.

we race off to the seamstress (again) as we're dropping off the skirts for her to press. so nice of her!! then it's off to the hotel for check-in. by this time mom has called again, they're still in traffic and she hopes we have dinner plans. we tell her we'll make reservations for 8 at one of their favorite places that is very "ann arbor" and tell the girls the same. they drop off their stuff and mom and crew arrive at the hotel. aunt bernie walks right by me in the lobby as i go to greet her. ok, i haven't seen her since christmas, so.... we figure out who's riding with who and we're off. dinner was fun.

alex and i go home to spend out last alone night there.

friday, september 9
friday morning i meet mom at the sheraton ad we head off to the salon again. i get my manicure started and my mom gets her feet done. meanwhile alex picks up trish and melissa and drops them off with us mid-morning. then he's off to run around like mad and get everything together and over to the sheraton for set-up. the girls and i have a nice time and the salon is really fun ad it's relaxing ot just hang out with them. my mom and i walk downtown to pick up some food for everyone as we're getting hungry. alex calls to say he's headed t pick up marie at the airport. he does and drops her off with us so she can get her nails done too and i bring melissa and trish back to the hotel as we now don't have room for everyone in my car!

when we finish we go back to meet up with everyone for the rehearsal. jon and jackye have now arrived. we all drive over to the garden ad get stuck in some MAJOR traffic. ah well. we all make it there and alex arrives with his boys who have driven up from ohio. the garden lady tells us what we need to do and i take over all the processional stuff. i admit i knew exactly how i wanted it and had it all worked out. you see, the garden we chose does not have a central aisle, but rather side ones and we are ALL walking in to the same song so it was going to be interesting to see how it panned out. much to my delight it all worked PERFECTLY. amazing!

we run through everything then off to change for dinner (since we did not have time before the rehearsal).

dinner was really fun. unfortunately, my sister and crew did not make it in time. we did do a presentation to alex's parents since september 9th is their 30th wedding anniversary. they were very touched. by the time dinner wound down, my sister had arrived at the hotel so alex and his boys take off and me and my girls and boys head over to the sheraton. i know where sharon's room is so i head up to greet her and my brother, who i have not seen since christmas falls over when he sees me, especially dressed up in my pretty rehearsal dinner dress. they haven't eaten so we decide we'll all go down to the restaurant and bar downstairs, and i tell them i wan tot change and i'll be back. i walk down the hall and see tom (my sister's practically ex-husband that came along) who i haven't seen in a long time, maybe more than a year. i'm not thinking so i smile and wave and say "hey tom!" and he is all confused and it takes him an amusingly long time to figure out who i am. man, that doesn't get old, i swear. :)

so we all go down to the bar/restaurant and have a GREAT time. omg it's so much fun. finally we decide to call it quits and i head up to spend the night with melissa. it was nice, kinda college-days again. good to spend time with all by friends again.

whew. that was a long one. i'll save the wedding day for next time.

9.01.2005

ten day forecast

it's in ten days people. ten days and i'll be a married woman. i hardly believe it.

i'm excited, it's going to be a great party. i'm excited too to have my friends here. none of the have been to michigan. i'm sad too, as it will be the last time i see them for awhile. that saddens me beyond words. *sigh*

back to the weather. so far it's calling for a 78° sunny day in ann arbor. zero percent chance of rain. let's hope it holds. that's divine weather.

i can't believe i'm gonna have a new name. weird. it sounds so weird to me, but i know it's because i'm not used to it. i need to practice my new signature! man i'm gonna screw that up a few times i'm sure.

in other news, i put on a pair of size 8 pants yesterday. EIGHT. and the skirt i tried on that was an 8 is, well, too big.

my life, man has it changed.

8.25.2005

sixteen days

in sixteen days i will have a husband. the best husband anyone could ever hope for. i seriously wonder every so often how i got so lucky. he tells me all the time that "i deserve it" but who says? some days i'm so afraid it's all a dream. really. isn't that so odd?

so tonight is my "last" fitting. it's crazy. exciting. overwhelming.

i know i'm going to cry. a lot.

then once all this hoopla is over and we have a glorious, much-needed vacation, all the other stuff i've been ignoring comes back. there are a slew of docotr appointments coming my way in october.

the weather has been divine. i hope it holds.

8.16.2005

oh the drama.

everyone told me there would me wedding drama. i refused to believe it. not for me! whatEV!

really, not much though. we've gotten most of our rsvp cards back. i'll assume the ones we have not are not coming but seriously, ow hard is it to send the freakin card back. or just come tell me, email, something. especially when you work with me. in the same office of 15 people. seriously.

ihad a little drama with my girls and someone hot getting their top on time. then the top was discontinued (like everything else i've wanted for this wedding, i swear) then another one located a top. the one who did not order it was mad as she does not like this girl. bah. it should be all set now. should be. we've only got 3 1/2 weeks left.

THREE AND A HALF WEEKS did you hear that? i still have so much to do. figures that i'd want to make all kinds of stuff myself. can't ever do things the "easy" way. noooooooo.

it's all good but when i see things on my calendar like "final pre-wedding haircut" that is THIS FRIDAY it starts to weird me out. we've been planning this for so long, i have no idea what we'll fill our time with after this. once we figure to my health issues i assume we're start talking kids. i have no reason to believe i will have any problems, but no one really thinks so and i have certainly read enough wonderful women's blogs to know that it is not always as planned. we'll see.

i do know that alex wants kids. and that he will be a GREAT dad. a WONDERFUL dad. when i first met his sister and two nieces when we were dating the second i saw him interact with those girls i knew i wanted to have his children. i'm not lying. last night we went to this little water park that is like a mile from our house. complete with big water slides, wave pool, river, etc (that was only $4 to get in!!!) so we went, he went to placate me and we went with our friend kelly and her little nephew who is 7. to see him and alex interact and play and be silly and have sch great fun just made me so happy. so happy. i hope i can give him the children he wants. i really do. when we last discussed it seriously and i asked him if i was not healthy enough or if i was not able to have children, would he want to adopt. he said no. that we just wouldn't have kids. and who knows what the future holds but it did let me know that he wants OUR kids. not surprising, but interesting.

8.12.2005

a turn of events

we met with the new neurologist yesterday. things are looking up.

i loved him. he was great, bow tie and all. very old-fashioned. it was great.

and you know why i loved him? he's thorough. he said everything we were thinking. he did not discount the possible relationship between surgery and my symptoms. he brought up things that no one else has yet. yes, it means more tests, but i feel like he's actually interested in figuring this out, instead of pushing drugs on me, which, incidentally, could make me worse right now.

he's bringing my case to a board to discuss. as i'm complex. he could not verufy the diagnosis yet. and even if he does, at least i'll feel better about it and where i'll head from there.

that's all i wanted. a doctor who actually seems like he cares. is that too much to ask these days?

8.10.2005

no title to speak of

in wedding news:
had my first fitting friday. they have to "start" by taking in my dress 4 inches. that's to start. insanity. i LOVE LOVE LOVE my dress and my veil. this is the first time i had seen my veil since i had picked parts and pieces from several and had it custom made. and it was worth it, it's amazing.

today is the rsvp deadline. let's see how many people we still need to contact. i especially like my boss telling me "it's the notre dame game day" like we didn't know that. football at U of M is crazy. and the notre dame game is second only to michigan state. it's a big one. we know. nothing we can do about it. apparently he'd rather go to the game. and that's fine.


in other news:
i decided i did not like my neurologist. i didn't like the way she handled the diagnosis and if this is something who i'll potentially be seeing a lot, i want it to be someone i like or at least trust. not that i don't trust her, but, eh, it's a long story. tomorrow we see a new dr. supposedly one of the best ones in the country. i got lucky and he had a cancellation tomorrow. so we'll see what he has to say. it's also a second-opinion type appointment too. i think that will be important for my psyche. i know there's still a part of me that does not believe it.

8.04.2005

sniff sniff...

so my mom was supposed to come last night for the weekend. granted there are downsides to my mom being here for days, but this i was really looking forward to. i had bought us tickets to go see neil diamond tonight. (it was her mother's day present). then we found out that my first dress fitting (we pushed it back as far as possible) is friday morning and she was going to be here already! it was perfect.

well, my parents were in australia last week and came back saturday and my mom caught some horrible virus on the plane. nothing life-threatening or anything but enough that she's miserable and very contagious and can't fly.

so alex has to come to neil with me (i'm sure he's thrilled)... and i'm solo on the fitting....

i'm sad.

7.29.2005

who is that girl?

life without glasses is weird. what's weirder is this picture. alex took it last weekend when we went to a tigers game. with his phone. pretty impressive if you ask me.



but what's weird is WHO AM I? i mean, seriously. i do NOT recognize myself anymore. at all. that's a weird feeling. fun, but weird.

so yoga is going well. thanks to jon's suggestions (you rock). some days are better than others. i know my limitations better now. and i don't attempt something i know i can't do. and i love it. really, i do. we're doing yoga in the park tomorrow, i'm very excited about that.

it should be a busy weekend full of yoga and errands and wedding prep. i swear i have no idea how we'll fill our time after the wedding. i can't believe how soon it is.

can i tell you how lucky i am? alex worked from home yesterday. he secretly went to pick up my completely redone engagement ring (for sizing purposes, i would NEVER have touched it, but it had to come down from a 9 to a 5, and with the detail, it had to be melted. i was sad, for sure, but i'm so excited that it fits now) and my wedding band too, which is amazing. i love it. but anyway... he told me they were not ready. so when i got home and walked into the house he was there with a giant bouquet of white and purple roses and on one knee with my engagement ring and re-proposed. how freakin sweet is that? i can't believe this incredible man will soon be my husband.

7.25.2005

ouch

so we started yoga yesterday. i learned that i'm flexible but not very strong. and my balance leaves some to be desired. which concerns us, of course, especially since i've never had balance problems. you know, before... but i'm trying to attribute it to it being my first yoga class. although alex could do things i couldn't balance-wise. and i know he was watching me like a hawk. i, on the other hand, couldn't see well. all the blood rushing to my head/dark room/vision still not 100%.... i f you know what i'm saying. oh and i'm VERY VERY VERY sore today. in that good-sore kind of way.

i haven't slept well in weeks. i try to say it's wedding-stress related (47 DAYS LEFT, HOLY CRAP) but i know what it is. because of my eye impairment, i am not only feeling like i have problems (i am) but i'm totally reliant on others for transportation right now as i've not been cleared to drive. these two things make me feel totally not self-reliant at all and i hate that. and that makes me think about what it will be like. you know, later... and that scares the hell out of me.

i try to brush it off like it really isn't happening, but i really think it is. my leg is getting worse i think. and the balance issues. and my eye.... eesh. can i wake up now?

7.20.2005

more crap (aka: how much can i do to myself in one year?)

well first the good news. i'm officially as of this morning ONE HALF of the person i was before surgery. craziness! i wasn't sure this day would come. only about 25# more to go to be at my "ideal" weight, accounting for all the extra skin i have which i will not be having ps for.

this past friday morning i had PRK. for those of you who don't know what is it, it's what they did pre-LASIK. because of my optic neuritis i am not a LASIK candidate. all of this started back in december when i decided i did not want to have glasses in my wedding photos. vain, i know. i accept that. which lead us to research LASIK, which alex had years ago. that's when we discovered that i had a problem in my left eye and that's how all this started. so it was fitting to close the loop i suppose.

it was fine but recovery sucks. it's very long (as compared to LASIK) and much more uncomfortable. today was my fist day back i the office. and i still can't see all that well. but good enough to to code apparently. i "worked from home" yesterday. uh huh. which means i did laundry and watched a bunch of law & order on the tivo. i was waiting for emails that never came, honest. i did talk to alex on im a bit :) hopefully by next week i'll be cleared to drive. and hopefully soon my eyesight will get better. i was able to read a little last night, that was encouraging.

as for everything else... let's see i'm freaking about wedding stuff, but apparently we're working on that tonight. it's fun to get rsvp cards back, a few each day. only one "no" so far and it was very expected. so all is well so far.

no news on the darker front. apparently i'm (we're) choosing to ignore it right now. denial? our books that we ordered came, i haven't looked at them yet, as i've been blind and all and mush more interested in finishing the davinci code than anything ms-related right now. i have like 60 pages lefft and i was cursing my eyes for not being able ot handle more last night. bah!

7.13.2005

shower weekend

can i just say how great it was to be back east for a few days? cuz it really was. for lots of reasons. most importantly of course to see all my friends and my family. my bridal posse put on a GREAT shower for me it was really a lot of fun. half-way through it it hit me that damn, this is for ME because i am getting MARRIED. weird. my life is just so different now than just 3 or 4 years ago. it's pretty amazing. but i digress....

so yes, it was fabulous to see all my friends, most of whom i had not seen since surgery (and even those i had it was a long time ago) so it was fun to hear their amazement and awe at how i look. really, that won't get tired. i think for the most part some of them are really sad right now with their lives and it's easy to forget that sometimes. i wish i would have gotten more time to talk to them individually. my sister about her divorce, marie about her maybe separation, etc etc, but who wants to talk about those things at a bridal shower? right. which was the other reason it was good for me, i didn't have to think about anything bad. just hanging with my friends having a GREAT time and relaxing.

then, of course, we have to leave. then i realize how sad i really am that my friends are so far away. and that even though i'll see them in 2 months, then what?? i can't even say the requisite, "i'll be home for christmas", as that's not happening anymore. when will i see them again? ugh. this is not good. and there was so much talk about "when/how many kids you guys gonna have?" which is a scary thing in and of itself, as i did get my mom's history of miscarriages, etc.... but then it brought up all the stuff i had conveniently stuffed away for the weekend.

as i said, if asked directly i will answer anyone's questions, but right now i'm not volunteering the information. well, as my sister is leaving she asks me. and for some reason i felt compelled to tell her. right there in trish's sun porch of my diagnosis. we talk a few minutes about it and she leaves on the verge of tears. trish sees this and asks me what's up as she caught part of the conversation. so i sit with trish and we talk about it for awhile. meanwhile i had left alex out on the patio with two drunk girls and eventually he starts looking for us so we were cut a little bit short. i did not tell him that i told anyone though, not yet.

still haven't told my mom. it was killing me the first few days but it's easier now. her and dad are leaving for australia soon and then she'll be here for a long weekend when i take her to see neil diamond and i have my first dress fitting. we talked about telling her then, but honestly i'm starting to think post-wedding is the best. by then there will only be a month to go and it will be so busy that it will be easy to forget... until we get back from the honeymoon and meet with the doctor to tell her our decisions.

we were working on wedding stuff last night and i noticed the book the doctor gave us was next to alex's computer. yep, back to reality.

but, let's leave on a high note today. it's a little blurry, but still cute.

7.08.2005

sort of sinking in now

it still doesn't seem real. and now i have to decide when/if to tell people. i consciously have decided not to tell family/friends before this weekend as i'm leaving today to go back home for my bridal shower. and i did not want the focus of the weekend to become something else. so right now, only alex knows. and my buddy keith. i work with him and we talk about everything. we went for starbucks yesterday and he knew something was up, and i was about to explode. i needed to just say it. course, i still could not bring myself to say the words. all i said was that the results came in and they were positive. that's the most i could say. bah.

thing is, i can't lie, i swear i'm incapable. i can not come out and divulge information, but if asked directly, i can't lie. so i'm thankful my mom (who i talk to almost every morning) has not asked me about how my appointment went. she'd rather talk about london. which is fine with me. there's plenty to talk about there.

i just hope she doesn't ask me tonight or this weekend while we're there. i mean if she does, i need to tell her. but like i said, i want this weekend trip to be joyous. even though it will clearly be on my mind.

luckily my mom took out a crapload of life insurance on me when i was born. for two reasons, my dad had lupus and died when i was young and she was left with a child and lots of bills (and practically no life insurance benefits for him, i mean we was barely in his 30s) so she wanted to make sure i was protected, but also the likelihood i'd get sick was high, so she wanted to make sure i'd be covered. guess her foresight was right on. we are supposed to talk to her about taking over all of my policies now that we're getting married. alex thinks this would be a good time to tell her. we'll see.

everyone here at work that got their invites are all telling me how gorgeous they are and how excited they are. and as excited as i am about the wedding, i still have a hard time shaking the nagging feeling that alex is now signing up for more than he thought. and i know he will be there for me 3000% and he constantly tells me that, it's still hard to shake it. you know?

7.07.2005

the news, it's not good.

so let's just out and say it: i have ms.

whew. there. i said it. 'course no one is listening, but there it is. july 6, 2005, i was diagnosed. without ceremony, without fanfare, and much to our shock and dismay. after almost a year of testing and poking and prodding, and wondering and debating, the oh-so-fun lumbar puncture of a few weeks back has confirmed it. I HAVE MS.

so she tells me then gets up to "get me information" and i'm just looking at alex in shock like, what?? that isn't what was supposed to happen. that's not what i expected. at all. i thought i'd get more percentages. more uncertain results. nope. this is it. we now have two months to decide what therapy to start. two months. you realize where that puts us, right? smack dab at the wedding.

i'm still in shock. i just don't even really know what to say. all i can think about is seeing greg a few weeks ago and that could be me. christ. i have ms.

what the hell do i do now?

6.30.2005

stuff on my mind lately

i don't know what to say right now. i'm in a weird place. my regular neurologist was unimpressed with my NO's assessment to just let things go at this point, especially with the advent of my new symptoms. in his defense, the leg stuff came after my last appointment with him, so he doesn't know.

but she became very adamant that i needed a lumbar puncture. right away. mmmm fun. she had mentioned back i january that i might eventually need one if signs were pointing to ms. so i wasn't too pleased to hear this. so it was scheduled for first thing the next morning and i then freaked out. i've seen them on tv and yeah they're more dramatic then but i still wasn't looking forward to it.

so alex got some time off. we went. and truthfully, the procedure itself wasn't bad at all. not that i'm anxious to do it again, but it was fine. the weird part was after when they handed my my vials of spinal fluid. "here." they said. "you need to take these to the hospital for part two of the test." now... not only was i not aware of this "part two" i was planning on going back to work. which i had told them the previous afternoon. which had been fine. now all of a sudden i'm off to the hospital (alone, since alex had to head in, as we didn't know about the length of the appointment) with vials of my own spinal fluid. meanwhile i'm calling my boss to tell him of this new development and to let him know i actually won't be in as i'm supposed to go home and lay down for 6 hours. would have been nice if i had known this the day before.

anyway, so i do everything else, so home. fill up n caffeine, as directed then try to relax. uh huh.

anyway, i find out the results on the 6th. i'm sure they will be "unremarkable."

that's all well and good, except this part weekend we went to kentucky. to visit alex's brother. the one with ms. holy fuck was that hard. i love greg, i do. it was a little different this time though thinking "that could be me." that fucks with you a bit.

you know what else fucks with you? the idea that even if i don't have ms, which i honestly think will be the case, i clearly have to watch my immune system. like how surgery triggered the optic neuritis. and the fact that we've opted to not persue any plastic surgery (unless it become a real medical issue) because we just don't know how my body will react. all well and good. except for one little thing. kids. having them might trigger something awful in me. or if i have ms, do we want to chance it? we had a nice long talk about it on the way home. alex wants them. more specifically he wants ours. when i mentioned adoption, suddenly he wasn't so into it. and that' not to say we won't change our minds. but... it's quite a bit to think about, isn't it?

6.15.2005

results

so i got them. they are "unremarkable." what does that mean, exactly? at least there is nothing glaringly wrong i suppose. so what does that mean? the optic neuritis was just a fluke?

which brings me to plastic surgery. let's face it, i want it. my weight has been stable for about 6 weeks now. it's even stabilized a few pounds higher than my low. and truly, i'm ok with that. i'm a small, or medium in tops. 10 or 12 in bottoms and i even put on an 8 dress last weekend. an EIGHT. i truly am happy. the only thing is the extra skin. and that is easily another 25 lbs, just in skin. and if my insurance will cover the tummy, the arms would only be $300/ea, and that's truly not bad. but then i wonder, if i do that will it make my thighs look crazy? then will i become obsessive?

we had ruled it out as i was told to avoid things that would mess with my immune system. this certainly would. now with a clean mri, is it an option again? i have to wait until next year anyway, since my vacation is all eaten up with the wedding this year. so i guess we just wait and see how i feel then? i guess so.

i guess we should see how eye surgery goes. see if anything gets triggered there and see what happens. *sigh*

side note, my whole life i thought that being thin and having money fixed everything. the older i get, the more people i know, the more stories i hear, man.... so not the case. and i'm glad i am who i am and i'm glad alex is who he is and i'm really excited to "officially" start our lives together.

6.10.2005

help, please

i don't think anyone actually reads this site. but it someone comes across this site and has any ideas, please let me know.

i am getting married in september. this past christmas i lost my grandfather. my grandpa and i were very very close and i loved him so much, i want to do some sort of dedication to him at the ceremony without sending anyone to tears (namely my mother and myself). I will, at the least put him on the back of the program with a photo and some sort of poem (any thoughts on this?) or any other dedication?

thanks.

6.01.2005

if it's not one thing...

then it's quite another.

so my leg is healing well. all is good there. keith and i start walking a few miles at lunchtime, this is good. we made a pact last year that this year i'd run the dexter-ann arbor 5K since i would be in such great shape. the race is this sunday. i started running last week. nice, i know. well, i wasn't thinking when i scheduled my leg surgery, and i have never run before. although, i have to say, first time out i ran almost a mile. i've NEVER ran a mile before. i had flashbacks to all those fitness tests in school. bah. i figure, so i run 1/3 of the race. last year, i wouldn't have been able to walk it.

so after a walk the other day i notice my foot is tingly. you know, that just waking up feeling you get in limbs. no big deal. only it never went away. for days. then it started getting worse. constant tingling, almost a burning sensation. and it has started moving up my leg into my calf. i don't tell alex as i know he'll freak. but eventually i have to. he implores me to go to the doctor yesterday. and truthfully, it's starting to scare me too. so i call and make an appointment with the nurse. let's be honest, i'm afraid that it's somehow related to ms. you know?

so i go and he checks me out and there's no "reason" for the tingling. no pain in my back, no pinched nerve, nothing like that. he then informs me that it could be this "rare disease" of which i can't remember the fancy name for, that he's seen 3 or 4 times. Causes numbness in the feet, moves up the leg, can cause paralysis (FUN). but it's usually in both legs. so i'm not a clear-cut case of this. no, of course not, am i ever?

then i realize it's probably not in my chart at my pcp that i'm being monitored for ms. so i mention this to him. aha he says. this "changes everything." i now MUST get in for my follow-up mri asap. as the mri is the only way to "prove" ms. well, i knew my NO wanted me to get one, but i guess they need to be 6 months apart, so i was waiting for june. that, and i needed the regular neurologist to order it so i could go locally. i had my appointment with her all set up for the 21st. but i guess that's not soon enough.

so now it's sunday. the day of the race. see how that came all full circle?

so there's nothing i can do about my leg until they find out what it is. so i need to live with it. i don't know what i'm hoping for. if it starts in the other leg, that's not a good thing as then it would lean toward the new rare disease. if it goes away, that's fine, but if it comes back (much like the optic neuritis) that's a BAD sign for ms.

one thing i didn't ask was if this new disease is auto-immune. if so, it could be what my body is now choosing to attack, you know?

bah. i guess i just have to wait it out, as usual.

5.20.2005

so what's new?

my bandages are off, stitches were removed and everything is healing. that's good. not really anxious to do the other leg still.

i just have to post this photo because i think it's cute. yes, i think i'm cute.



The thing about it is, when I first saw this picture, I did think it was cute but then I immediately thought "well, i look a lot thinner than i am because of the way i'm standing." odd huh? the point is, my head hasn't caught up with my body. at all. i truly have no perception of myself. i can look at those pants and think "daaaaamn they're huge!" and i REMEMBER wearing them, and them being snug. i remember the trip to new orleans when i wore those same jeans in my big before shot.

so what's the deal? the best way i can think to explain it is that since it has happened so fast, and that i keep buying smaller clothes my clothes always fit the same. yes, they are smaller sizes, but it's all relative.

and i don't know what's happening but i'm really annoyed with some of my friends lately. one in particular. and then it gets me thinking, why are we still friends? true, we've been friends since high school, but so what? we clearly are SUCH different people now. and we're so far apart... what am i holding on to? you know?

bah.

i don't have all that much else to say, i'm getting really excited for the wedding. really. less than 4 months now. v v exciting.

5.12.2005

it's never what i expect

so i had my first leg surgery. it's supposed to be several teeny incisions, take an hour or less, i'll have to wear support in my leg for two weeks, then done! my then i could even have the other leg done.

well fab!

yeah, if it had worked out that way.

so i have the surgery. we start with the worse leg first, seems reasonable, right? yeah, ok. so it takes THREE hours. i feel really badly for alex who was freaking out in the waiting room. understandably so.

i wake up, we go home, all is fine. i have to come into work the next day because there is some sort of huge server catastrophe at work and i can't work from home. ok, fine. i go the next day, time to get my staples removed. alex lost track counting after 50. what the heck? then when he gets to the top (started at the bottom) he tells me "i had to make one incision bigger than i would have liked."

great. still take the staples out but tells me it looks ok. then i go home and work form home that day. i go to use the restroom and see that my bandage/wrap thing is all bloody at the top. that "bigger" incision has opened. i panic, realizing it's 4:26 and his office closes at 4:30. i hobble down the stairs to get my purse with his card in it and mercifully reach the office in time. he's already gone, but they'll have him call me. and truly he does call within a few minutes. come in, he says. i'll meet you at the hospital in 15 and we'll sew it up.

ok so we hope in the car and head over to the hospital and sure enough, he sews it up. fun. i get all bandaged up again and head home. go to work the next day. about 2 pm run to the bathroom again and again notice a bloody bandage. you know why? ALL THE STITCHES had busted open! fab. i call him, talk to him, he says i have an appointment in the morning ad he'll check it again.

so i go in first thing in the morning. apparently he didn't believe me that all the stitched had busted open, he's never, ever seen that happen before. of course not. of course that would only happen to me. he's all flustered but resolves to re-stitch it all back up. wraps me up and i'm on my way again.

i'm praying it stays closed this time. i then preceded to have a night's worth of press checks, i was pretty wiped at this point. alex wanted me to go to ohio with him but i stayed home and slept and watched some tivo for the weekend. it was nice. and stayed off the leg too.

monday morning i went in and as the bandage was still on, i didn't know if i was still closed of not. he pulled it off and we were both pleased to see that the stitches were still in. i have to go see him tomorrow morning to see how it goes. hopefully i will be able to stop wearing the bandages and he will see if he wants to take the stitches out. if he hesitates at all, i'm gonna tell him to keep them in. for the love of god i don't need that to happen again.

i was also, mercifully, able to take a shower monday. after a while week "sponge bathing." man, was that great.

i still don't really know what my leg looks like aas it's covered in steri-strips, bandages and old sharpie marks from where he marked it on the morning of surgery. pretty.

this wasn't all what it was cracked up to be. oh, and it made my optic neuritis flare up too. not really excited about getting the other one done.

4.27.2005

auto-immune disease anyone?

ok, so i met with the NO again yesterday. learned some stuff, feel slightly better actually. apparently it is optic neuritis. why? well, frankly because it's not anything else. after getting tested for a crapload of stuff that all came back negative, that's our best guess. that, and it seems to be getting a little better. and optic neurotis does that, gets better on it's own, at it's own pace. well, ok. i can live with that.

then came the trickier question. how do we stop it from happening again? and is there REALLY no correllation to surgery since that does seem like one heck of a fluke. well, he says, i guess it does, sort of.

how's that? well, i guess when you have surgery your immune system is really low. and as it builds back up you're more susceptible to "catching" auto-immune diseases. kind of like pregnancy he says, they say the best "cure" for ms is pregnancy, while you're pregnant you won't show it. however, right after you give birth is the time when most people develop ms if they're going to.

what a segue.... so.... since we were talking about ms... my chances are still about 30% of developing ms in the next 5 years. however, that's assuming that i do not have a reoccurring episode of ON. if that happens, my percentages skyrocket. i will have another mri in june/july. if that's "clean" then my percentages go down. but i will continue to be monitored yearly after that. if those remain unchanged and no more ON then i'm pretty clear.

but here is the interesting part. i might never get ms. this *could* be a fluke. how's that? well, because my father had lupus when i was conceived. he died 4 years later. i have the genes. however, apparently there's no "lupus gene." what happens is that it makes you more susceptible to all auto-immune diseases in general. so i could get any of them basically. whatever got aggravated when i had surgery decided to attack my optic nerve. it could have been anything. now, this could be isolated, or it could have set of the chain of events for ms for me. we just don't know.

upside? i got the ok to have lasik! woo! gotta look at the bright side.

4.12.2005

sometimes i am so stupid

so it's about 3:30. i often want a snack around 3:30. but i'm not really hungry today, but still feel the 3:30 urge. so i walk into the kitchen and there are bagels on the table. now, i generally stay away from bread altogether as it generally makes me feel crappy, but sometimes a bite is nice, and i know it would satisfy my "hunger." (plus with a little cream cheese it even has some protein, albeit not much.)

so i cut a teeny piece off a raisin one, put a glob of cream cheese on it and bite it in half. chew chew chew... hmmm. this isn't right. i look at the second bite in my hand. and then i realize. it's not raisin. it's chocolate chip! panic ensues as i spit out the bite in my mouth. how could i be so dumb??!?!?!!? was a bite of bagel really worth that? no, i think not.

so now i sit here with a v. unhappy and loudly grumbly belly. even a little light-headed a dare say. (although i could be imagining that). all this from a spit-out bite. thank god i realized it when i did.

idiot.

4.08.2005

not that interesting

so there are plenty of blogs that i read, and i check them every day, sometimes muliple times a day and love reading them. and then it makes me realize how uninteresting i am. and when i think about it, that's not necessarily true, but i guess i think it is.

at any rate here's what's new.

wedding planning is going well. we have almost have the save-the-dates ready to go out. like a month late, but whatev. sealing wax and printing the envelopes are proving more time consuming than i thought. especially since a certian finacee didn't get all his addresses in. *ahem*

that reminds me, i need to schedule an appointment with the florist so we can pick flowers. i think that's the last thing that hasn't been decided. i can't believe i'm getting married in 5 months. so. crazy.

eye stuff... nothig new there. the doctor agrees that new glasses will help me some. so we're looking for frames. i'm kind of glad since i hate my current ones and they're WAY TOO BIG for my face now. but all i think about while looking at all these funky frames is that these will be in my wedding pictures. and that makes me sad. sure, i can take them off for the formal pictures, but all the ceremony ones and after ones will have them. boy, i did not want to have glasses for my wedding. but given the situation i do not think i'll have a choice. but i don't want to get non-funky glasses just for that, so i might have to get a special wedding pair. i guess that's not horrible. i could use them for more formal occassions. bah.

not the end of the world i supppose.

work is eh. things aren't turning around. i'm afraid they're goign to have to let someone go. that's scary. after the wedding i need to get my stuff updated, site back up and start loooking for new position i guess. we'll see.

oh, and my case wroker called yesterday to see if i'd speak at a pre-op informational seminar tomorrow. i'm kind of excited about that. i secretly hope that they will want to use me in a commercial... is that wrong?? :)

3.31.2005

suprise, and updates

well i guess it is that easy, both leg operations will be done in may.

and i can wear a size 12 now.

and i don't have leber's the docotr called and told me.

3.22.2005

can't be this easy

so mt dr's office calls to say that my pcpc wants to see me before making the referral. that's fine, no biggie. the cal me back later and say, no, they don't need to see me, tahtcan give me a referral for the consult. i tell them i already had the consult and they say, oh, ok. well make your next appt and we will make the referral for then. so i call the leg doctor back to make an appt and i could be having the surgery in like 2 weeks. of course i flip cuz that's waaaaaay too soon. so i mame ir for may 2. just give me time to process, learn more, etc etc.

but it cna't be that easy, right? there has to be ahang up, right? right?

3.21.2005

...and more referrals

so i won't go into it too much right now but i need to get an operation done on both my legs. not critical or anything. but *sigh* means another referral. not even sure they'll cover it. we'll see though. they must hate me at my pcps office.

3.09.2005

figures

my savior who got me the blood test called to say they screwed up part of it and i need to go back to get it redone. but did say the part for the leber's that was going to the mayo clinic would have results today. wonder when i'll hear.

3.07.2005

finally, someone who helps!

so the day i found out that i needed to labwork done and went to my lab and the lady told me i could not go there, she tried to find out where i could go. she promised to call me. i dind't hear so that's when i started with the insurnce/pcp stuff. let me add that NO ONE had called me back form either place to date.

however the lady from the hospital lab did. she voordintaed it and got it all set up and got me in to tkae all like 8 vials of blood to send off to the mayo clinic.

i was impressed. and greatful. i want to send her flowers. really.

2.28.2005

i really hate HMOs

really.

so after all that legwork i did tryingto find a lab i could go to i was unsuccessful. i call my pcp, trying to do things the "right" way. that was last week. they call me today. they can't help me. can't get a referral for bloodwork. she said i should call my insurance company directly. *sigh* that's exactly what i didn't want to have to do. but fine.

so i suck it up and call. they tell me -- predictably -- that all referrals need to go through my pcp. yeah, thanks. tried that. i tell them my pcp told me to call them. she's like "that's not the policy" and i explain -- again -- the process i go through EVERY TIME when i need to get a referral for something slightly different.

it's so frustrating. SO frustrating. i try to tell them that i am tired of getting the run around. now what?

2.25.2005

not really anything new, but more real

so i spent ALL DAY with dr stuff yesterday. i was at the eye institute from 9-2. fun. nothign really new, but now it's offical, he really told me what the 3 things that my eye could be. that i "have symptoms of all of them but not a clear-cut case of any of them." i promised myself i wouldn't freak until he actually told me this info, even though iknew already, knid of round about. well does that mean i can freak now?

i have "a 30% chance of developing ms in the next 5 years." that's based solely on what he knows right now. once i get some other testing, another mri, that percentage might change.

he wants to do the genetic testing for leber's. sends me with the orders to the lab upstairs from him. so i go and wait like an hour for them to tell me i can't get it done there withmy insurance. i need an effin referral for BLOODWORK?!?! please.

so i go back to his office and tell them that. they say to jsut take it to whatever lab i susally use. i confirm with them that any lab can do this, they say yes. ok. so i leave, it's about 2 at this point. i haven't had lunch so i'm all woozy. but i figure, get this done and then i'll address food. so i drive back the hour to the lab near me that i usually use. sign in, all set. thent he lady comes out and tells that they can't do the test there. of course they can't. she was really quite nice and tried to find somewhere i could go. but can't find a lab that works with the place in massachusetts where the test needs to be sent for analysis. guess this disease is realy rare and they need to send it to this place. i spend hours there as we tried to find some way to get it done. i didn't get home until 5. that's effed up.

so i call my pcp today, to try to figure it out. haven't heard back from them. but they were oh-so-helpful-and-kind with my last request from them that i don't expect much from them.

my mom, in her kindness, tried to see if she could het tested for it since it's agene that's passed only from the mother. she tried, which i thought was sweet, but they won't let her. well, it was a thought.

did i mention that once the test is done i don't find out for a month? and i don't see the NO again for 2 months, unless soemthing changes. so basically there si zilch i can do right now but sit back and deal. they said my eyesight hasn't changes much sinc emy last visit although i did MUCH worse on the colorblind test. which you know, no big deal. it's not like color is critical to my profession or anything.

*sigh*

2.23.2005

trying to remain calm

so remember when i said that the NO in his email said he wanted to see me earlier than next monday. iw as told he dind't have room when calling his secretary. so that's fine, i decided to let it drop. alex took the time off. we planned for monday. dday. so i get a call at like 6pm last night from her confirming my thrusday appoinment. so i called back and was like, huh? and she' slike we needed to see you this week. so that's your appt and i'm like, um, i wish someone would have told me that! so now i have to go tomorrow. alone.

it scares me, to go alone, and it scares me that it couldn't wait until monday.

2.22.2005

baggage rears its ugly head

little background: alex ad i have like no issues. it's almost creepy. the onyl things that are problems are my exceesive tiredness which causes me to call asleep early most nights vs. his night-owl nature. the other being his loe of anime. now, i only say it's an issue because i know it saddens him that i do not share his passion for it. it fact, in most instances, i find it downright creepy. and he knows this. that said, i never keep him from watching it or doing whatever he wants to in regard to anime. hell, i've even gone to the convention with him the last two years. this year, on the way back we had a long discusion about hos i might be interested in it. we discussed the different kinds and wha ti'd be willing to try, etc etc. and i did say i'd try it. but nothing has come of it.

now, the rest of the background. i have some serious baggage. comes from being in a relationship with a very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusie crack addict for 5 years. i am trained for situations that can be fabulous for days, months, even years then BOOM your car is missing, often totalled and you need to pay some dealer hundreds of dollars and you're tryin gto figure out how you got into the situation AGAIN. it was a really bad situation and i was so screwed up by it, it took a long time to get out and even try to get my head on straight. it left me lots of scars.

not long after i finally extracated myself from it completely (although it was really over way before then) is when i met alex.

so, you could imaigne, i have some pretty serious baggage. to my surprise, we got through most of it pretty quickly. i even surprsied myself on a lot of levels.

now all that said, we come to yesterday. alex and i are chatting in i as usual. he's "working" from home, due to the weather and i notice that he's kind f distracted. i make some silly comment about "oh you mst be watching anime" and he admits he is. and then i don't remember the context, but it was someting about his "anime problem" but i was clearly joking. clearly. then i said somethign to the effect that i notices he hadn't been too sad about me falling asleep as of late, ad that it msut be becuase that's when he sneaks off and watched his anime. totally harmless comments, or so i thought.

i get home about an hour later and usually, any day that i got home and he's already home he tackles me as i com ein the door. this is something that has been going on for a long time. i get home, no greeting. well ok. that's fine. he must be up int eh office still working. so i go up, open the door and walk in (we keep one odhte cats locked it here during the day) and i get THE coldest look that i've ever seen. so i'm like, "no hello?" i get the "i need to be logged in for 10 more minutes" without a second look. now this is truy unusual. no hug, no kiss, no hi baby, no stay in here with me, nothing.

ok. so i am starting to retreat. i have no idea what i've done at all. and wheni mean retreat i mena inwardly. i go and lie down on the bed and turn on the tv, tryng to figure out what's up.

he comes in and sits at the end of the bed. nowehre near me. this can't be good. i'm in total panic. i ask him "did i ddo something to make you so angry at me?" then it comes out. i made him feel like watching anime wa a problem and made him feel guilty for watching it.

now i'm stunned. not only becuase i really felt like i did nothing of the sort, and because his reacion was unlike anyting i had ever een before from him. i apologize and try to explain that i was joking. he says he doesn't want to talk about it. so i stop talking and he walks out.

now my point for all the background was now my fear/insecurity is kicking in. i'm totally retreating into myself, wondering waht i have done to ruin this. he's never been mad at me, and he's MAD. i don't know what to do but i stay in the room.

he eventually comes ack adn we try to talk but i'm too far gone at this point and i'm jsut in tears. like tons of tears. i refuse to get up or make dinner or eat or anything. for his part he handled me well, but my reaction freked him out big time. we never ended up comign to any conclusion last night. he basically just tried to hold me until i fell asleep.

we tried to talk some today, but it wasn't so good. and we both have plans tonight so will probably not get to talk tonight either. and i knwo ti's no big deal,r eally, but it scared me. one to see him so mad and two to see my retreat like that, that it's still in me.

so i dunno, but it's not pretty right now.

2.21.2005

weirdness

so my boss comes to me today and says that he was looking on our website today and saw my picture on it (from 2 years ago when i came back here) and was like we need to reshoot you, like right now. crazy. but let's jsut put those side-by-side shall we?

2.17.2005

i did a stupid thing

since i know it's optic nerve now, i thought i'd go and look up some symptoms of ms so i could see that it was not optic nerve related.

dumb idea.

the first thing listed is a bad eye problem. an optic nerve problem. that in 80% of cases is just in one eye.

i didn't need to know that. or know of the handful of other symptoms i totally have. even though it clearly says that none of the symptoms are specific to ms. i still didn't need to see that.

and to see that the test i had done on my birthday was for this very condtion. and that's the test that showed something.

this is information i really didn't need right now. i'm supposed to hear from the BO tomorrow to see if i can get sqeezed in before the 28th.

this is the kind of shit that makes you want to postpone a wedding.

eyes

well no real update yet. i realized yesterday that my left eye is starting to be affected as well. i've called the docotrs so many times that i really didn't knwo what to do anymore. then i remembered that i had the NOs email address. mmmmm. so i composed an email to him basically saying i was concerned that since i haven't been able to get anyone to give me vitamin a shots that irreparable damage was happening and that i was really concerned and sinc ei dind't see him for 2 more weeks, what did he think.

well, not only did he email me right back. within an hour. while he was out of state. he also knew my case, and the results of those awful tests i had on my birthday. i was VERY impressed. although it didn't give me much news, and after the happiness of getting the respnse wore off i started reading too much into his email. apparently the tests did show it's optic nerve problems and not retinal problems. in some ways, this is good, i take this that it has noting to do with surgery or vitamin deficiencies from surgery. that would have been retinal damage. but, i take that to mean that leber's is definitely in the running as that's optic nerve related. i need to check out of ms affects the optic nerve or the retina. i'd like that to be ruled out.

the only other thing he said was that there was "thing to consider now" that he "needed to discuss with me in person, and sooner than the 28th" yikes.

ok and i already know that alex is amazing and non-flaky and totally my partner for life, but the prospect of me going blind or having some awful disease would be enough to shake him, you'd think. especially before we're married. one of his brothers developed ms after the was married for a few years and his wife left him. not that i think he woould, but of course the idea of saddling him with this seems unfair to me -- if it even is that. you know what his response was after i foound out that it might be ms? he says to me that well if it is, it's still really early on. and you know, if that's the case, we should probably move up when we wanted to have kids before i got too sick. man. what do you even say to that? nothing i guess, it jsut made me cry.

2.10.2005

updating

oh man, what's new? what isn't it more like it.

surgery-wise things are great. in about 8 months I've lost about 135 pounds. i also have zero fream of reference for what i look like. before when i'd see photos of myself i'd be SHOCKED at how big i was. and it would depress me immensely and i'd hide the photos. i'd always make sure to be inteh back or out of the photo when it was taken. better yet, i'd always offer to take it. anything not to have to see myself in photos. now, i see photos of me an di'm critical, but for some reason still can't really SEE how far i've come. i know that sounds weird, but i hear most people actually take at least a year for their heads to catch up with their bodies. take this past weekend. it was warm and i wanted to wear my lighter weight jacket. this is the jacket i got maybe in october. it's the smallest size that you can get at a big-girl store. i couldn't zip it when we bought it, bu that was ok. i grabbed it out of the closet and put it on and stopped. i had to have the wrong coat. i literally checked. the sleeves were too long anf it was WAAAAAAAAAAY too big for me. like the you-can't-wear-it-it's-too-big-and-you-look-ridiculous kind of big. how'd that happen? crazy.

so other than needing to buy clothes every three weeks, it's been interesting. i also quickly lose the window of opportunity for clothes. take two old navy skirts i bought. too big. wore them each once. way to go.

in other helath news, i am tired all the time again. this comes and goes. headached seem to be a little better the last couple of months. the big thing is the eye. i'm really concerned about my eye. i guess it started this summer. two times the vision in my right eye was partially onscured and completley gray. very scary. happened twice, but only for less thana minute each time. so althoug it alarmed me, it was quickly forgotten.

then i noticed over the last few months that my vision seems to be getting worse. i figure, no big deal. my face is a lot smaller, my glasses must not be fitting right. i just need new glasses. makes sense, right? so i am going to me an eye dr appt when the whole sunject of lasik comes up. how i really don't want to have glasses for the wedding. great idea, right? alex says he'll front the money and i can pay it with the freelance check i'm getting. so i do the research, find wehre i want to go, we make the appt and go. they say i'm a fine candidate, give us costs, he leaves to go to work and i stay to do allthe furth testing. that's when the problem is found. my eyes are fine, but my right eye vision deteriorated in less than 6 months from 20/20 to 20/200. they can't correct it to better than 20/100 and tell me i have to go see specialists to find out the problem. of course i'm pretty upset about this. and concerned. there's nothing wrong with my eye but i'm going blind? fabulous.

then the insurance battles start. the lasik guy referred me to a neuro-othamologist at UofM. great. only insuance tells me it's out of network. ok. that's fine. so tell me what NO are in network and i'llbe happy to use that one. oh you can't? i see.

soi hav eto backtrack through my pcp, who sends me to a regular neurologist first. who sends me for the mri. and finds a dr i can see. i need to go to detroit to see the only other one in the state. fine.

so alex and i are leaving that appt when my mom calls. grandpa had a stroke, get on a plane. eye is forgotten.

i leave, spend a week and a half with him as he's declining rapidly. it was painful and hard and awful and i never want ot go through that again. horrible. although i am SO greatful i got to spend that time with him, watching him die was horrible. it's my granpa. i loved him so much. (and today is his birthday.) we buried him on christmas eve morning. i am greatful that alex was there and jon. that meant a lot to me.

so then i come back to orders to get an mri. an mri that the neurologist didn't think i needed. well ok. so i go do that. and that was horrible. i had a really hard time with it and decided that if i need to get another one i will need to be sedated.

i take the films to the appt with the NO. they can't figure out what i s wrong either. after hours of testing. they tell me my mri looks fine, save for some congenital defects (??). they need to test my vitamin levels (could be as simple as that), if those are ok, then i need to get some firther tests done to determine if its' optical nerve or retinal problems, they can't tell.

that was a friday. that saturday i get my blood drawn. tuesday mornign i get a call from the hospital to schedule the tests. wow, ok that was fast. guess the bloodwork was ok. then comes the week and half long battle to get insurance approval for the tests. approval comes on a friday at 4:50 for terts scheduled for the following monday. my birthday no less.

so i go to the hospital, on my birthday, with alex for these next rounds of tests that were jsut horrific. electrodes, giant contacts, movie screen, crazy stuff. my eyes hurt so much after that and i wa so wiped that i ended up going to sleep by like 8pm. happy birthday to me.

on a daily basis my eye is blurry, and i need to sit really close ot my monitor to see. color is hard, press checks are a nightmare and i can no longer drive at night. i'm dizzy a lot too.

i have not gotten the results of these tests yet, i go back on the 28th to the NO. in the meantime they wanted me to start vitamin a injections. sounds simple enough, i get b12 every month as it is, right? only problem, no one will do it for me. my pcp has been very uncooperative and downright rude, which i just cna't figure out at all. so i wait.

i'm trying not to freak out, but the two options they have presented me with are not ones i like. not one bit. either it's a gentic disease or MS. apparently my mri showed evidence of MS. great. but my visions issues arne't consistent with it. they are, however, with the genetic disease. seems like i have lumbar punctures and genetic testing in my near future. fabulous.

so i'm really trying not to freak out, but i'd also really like to not go bllind, so i hope all of this will be taken care of soon.

in other news, i'm getting married in 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS!!! sheesh. seems so soon.

my mom is coming out this weekend to go dress shopping with me, should be fun. aaron is also coming out to hang with alex. seems like he might move here. and live with us. it will be strange. but it surprisingly doesn't bother me. too much. right now. we'll see how it goes, he's here until wednesday.

ok, well, i guess that's a decent update for now. oh. that and i filed for bankruptcy, to clear out all the crap from the ex. and inthe process i ended up with a new car, go figure.

ok really, time to work now.

1.24.2005

the newer me

i saw that josh had commented on my site (tahnks josh!) and i realized that picture was old. here's a newer one. i need to get back to updating this thing. this was last week, a little over 7 months out now. down 128.