sort of sinking in now

it still doesn't seem real. and now i have to decide when/if to tell people. i consciously have decided not to tell family/friends before this weekend as i'm leaving today to go back home for my bridal shower. and i did not want the focus of the weekend to become something else. so right now, only alex knows. and my buddy keith. i work with him and we talk about everything. we went for starbucks yesterday and he knew something was up, and i was about to explode. i needed to just say it. course, i still could not bring myself to say the words. all i said was that the results came in and they were positive. that's the most i could say. bah.

thing is, i can't lie, i swear i'm incapable. i can not come out and divulge information, but if asked directly, i can't lie. so i'm thankful my mom (who i talk to almost every morning) has not asked me about how my appointment went. she'd rather talk about london. which is fine with me. there's plenty to talk about there.

i just hope she doesn't ask me tonight or this weekend while we're there. i mean if she does, i need to tell her. but like i said, i want this weekend trip to be joyous. even though it will clearly be on my mind.

luckily my mom took out a crapload of life insurance on me when i was born. for two reasons, my dad had lupus and died when i was young and she was left with a child and lots of bills (and practically no life insurance benefits for him, i mean we was barely in his 30s) so she wanted to make sure i was protected, but also the likelihood i'd get sick was high, so she wanted to make sure i'd be covered. guess her foresight was right on. we are supposed to talk to her about taking over all of my policies now that we're getting married. alex thinks this would be a good time to tell her. we'll see.

everyone here at work that got their invites are all telling me how gorgeous they are and how excited they are. and as excited as i am about the wedding, i still have a hard time shaking the nagging feeling that alex is now signing up for more than he thought. and i know he will be there for me 3000% and he constantly tells me that, it's still hard to shake it. you know?