today is my last day at office. wednesday i go in.
i'm a basket case. totally and completely.
5.28.2004
5.20.2004
could i be more self-absorbed?
it didn't occur to me until right now that i did not get alex a gift for our big anniversary this wknd. what did he do? oh booked us this fancy place got us all these play tickets. and i knew that, i've known that for awhile. and it never once occured to me that i did not get him a gift. until right now.
i'm SUCH an ass.
i'm SUCH an ass.
5.14.2004
19 days left
the more i learn the more m'm freaking out. i've never been in the hospital for a procedure before and now i'm getting my insides completely refigured! i'm not having second thoughts at all, just a little scared.
so, alex talked me into getting those neosporin scar strips thing to try to minimize my scars. i wonder how he really feels about them sometimes. i notice he rubs the insides of my wrists a lot, which always makes me feel a little weird. so the other night i asked him why he was so hot on my using them and he said it was a reminder of a bad time. ok, that's fair.
i guess they really jsut don't bother me as much anymore. i used to not be able to look at my scars without starting to cry or remmebering the feeling of the knife, or the emotions that i went though that day and reliving it over and over and over... so i guess that's a good sign. i don't even know how noticable they are really.
do i wish i had never done it? i mean, i guess the right answer is yes, but since it got me out of the situation, eventually and got me to where i am today, so no, i guess i don't.
so, alex talked me into getting those neosporin scar strips thing to try to minimize my scars. i wonder how he really feels about them sometimes. i notice he rubs the insides of my wrists a lot, which always makes me feel a little weird. so the other night i asked him why he was so hot on my using them and he said it was a reminder of a bad time. ok, that's fair.
i guess they really jsut don't bother me as much anymore. i used to not be able to look at my scars without starting to cry or remmebering the feeling of the knife, or the emotions that i went though that day and reliving it over and over and over... so i guess that's a good sign. i don't even know how noticable they are really.
do i wish i had never done it? i mean, i guess the right answer is yes, but since it got me out of the situation, eventually and got me to where i am today, so no, i guess i don't.
5.11.2004
something new
i've not talked about american idol yet this season. i dunno. i'm still addicted to it but can someone tell me what is up with all these theme nights? latin? the 'solid as a rock' people? manilow? wha'ts up? now disco night? blows.
jeniifer leaving didn't bother me, i never liked her. can she sing? oh yes. but she annoys me. cna't stand her. i was fine seeing her go. redhead took too long, everyone knows that. but WHY did george go before jasmine? that wasn't right. and if she doens't go this week, well, then, i might be done with the show.
who's going to win? i dunno. i guess i'm rooting for latoya.
in other black women news, i hat to admit it but it does bother me **a little** that i never tlaked ot nina more that for that 30 seconds. i was too hyped up to know what to do with her on the other end of the line, and i think i missed my chance. my chance for what? i'm not entirely sure.
eh.
jeniifer leaving didn't bother me, i never liked her. can she sing? oh yes. but she annoys me. cna't stand her. i was fine seeing her go. redhead took too long, everyone knows that. but WHY did george go before jasmine? that wasn't right. and if she doens't go this week, well, then, i might be done with the show.
who's going to win? i dunno. i guess i'm rooting for latoya.
in other black women news, i hat to admit it but it does bother me **a little** that i never tlaked ot nina more that for that 30 seconds. i was too hyped up to know what to do with her on the other end of the line, and i think i missed my chance. my chance for what? i'm not entirely sure.
eh.
5.07.2004
losers
i'm actually doing a pretty good job at getting less stressed i think. i'm starting to get more and more excited. i'm thinking about all the things that are good: new clothes! rollerblades! biking! hiking! walking, even! wearing my dream wedding gown. having awesome wedding photos, etc etc. it's going to be unbelievable and amazing.
i'm still scared though. scared of coming home with a drain. that scares the bejeezus out of me.
ok, so i need to get this off my chest. there's this whole, well, cult of people who want or have had this surgery and there's all sorts of messageboards, etc.. but i have to tell you... i think it's kinda, well.... gay. they call themselves "losers." LAME. they want to be your "angels" to help you through it. LAME! i mean, i understand the support nature. hell, i even have an angel (gag. she's great but if she signs another email 'your angel' i'm going to lose it).
is that wrong of me? i mean, i'm gonna be one of them. one of them actually said to me "we'll save you a seat at the losers bench." please!!! could that analogy be any worse?? especially since people going through this have little or no self-esteem to begin with. who thought up THAT brilliant name. ugh.
maybe i am just a loser.
i'm still scared though. scared of coming home with a drain. that scares the bejeezus out of me.
ok, so i need to get this off my chest. there's this whole, well, cult of people who want or have had this surgery and there's all sorts of messageboards, etc.. but i have to tell you... i think it's kinda, well.... gay. they call themselves "losers." LAME. they want to be your "angels" to help you through it. LAME! i mean, i understand the support nature. hell, i even have an angel (gag. she's great but if she signs another email 'your angel' i'm going to lose it).
is that wrong of me? i mean, i'm gonna be one of them. one of them actually said to me "we'll save you a seat at the losers bench." please!!! could that analogy be any worse?? especially since people going through this have little or no self-esteem to begin with. who thought up THAT brilliant name. ugh.
maybe i am just a loser.
5.05.2004
5.03.2004
23 days
i can't believe i'm having surgery in 23 days. i know this site is goign to turn it's focus to what this is like 100% now, not that it want's before. i'd like to transition to my real url (hello, jon!) so i can post pictures and stuff... we'll see. maybe when i'm home for two weeks recovering, i can get that going.
i'm so freaked out. i am so scared. now that it's real i feel like i know nothing and can't remember anything i'm supposed to do. AH!!!
i'm so freaked out. i am so scared. now that it's real i feel like i know nothing and can't remember anything i'm supposed to do. AH!!!
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