little background: alex ad i have like no issues. it's almost creepy. the onyl things that are problems are my exceesive tiredness which causes me to call asleep early most nights vs. his night-owl nature. the other being his loe of anime. now, i only say it's an issue because i know it saddens him that i do not share his passion for it. it fact, in most instances, i find it downright creepy. and he knows this. that said, i never keep him from watching it or doing whatever he wants to in regard to anime. hell, i've even gone to the convention with him the last two years. this year, on the way back we had a long discusion about hos i might be interested in it. we discussed the different kinds and wha ti'd be willing to try, etc etc. and i did say i'd try it. but nothing has come of it.
now, the rest of the background. i have some serious baggage. comes from being in a relationship with a very controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusie crack addict for 5 years. i am trained for situations that can be fabulous for days, months, even years then BOOM your car is missing, often totalled and you need to pay some dealer hundreds of dollars and you're tryin gto figure out how you got into the situation AGAIN. it was a really bad situation and i was so screwed up by it, it took a long time to get out and even try to get my head on straight. it left me lots of scars.
not long after i finally extracated myself from it completely (although it was really over way before then) is when i met alex.
so, you could imaigne, i have some pretty serious baggage. to my surprise, we got through most of it pretty quickly. i even surprsied myself on a lot of levels.
now all that said, we come to yesterday. alex and i are chatting in i as usual. he's "working" from home, due to the weather and i notice that he's kind f distracted. i make some silly comment about "oh you mst be watching anime" and he admits he is. and then i don't remember the context, but it was someting about his "anime problem" but i was clearly joking. clearly. then i said somethign to the effect that i notices he hadn't been too sad about me falling asleep as of late, ad that it msut be becuase that's when he sneaks off and watched his anime. totally harmless comments, or so i thought.
i get home about an hour later and usually, any day that i got home and he's already home he tackles me as i com ein the door. this is something that has been going on for a long time. i get home, no greeting. well ok. that's fine. he must be up int eh office still working. so i go up, open the door and walk in (we keep one odhte cats locked it here during the day) and i get THE coldest look that i've ever seen. so i'm like, "no hello?" i get the "i need to be logged in for 10 more minutes" without a second look. now this is truy unusual. no hug, no kiss, no hi baby, no stay in here with me, nothing.
ok. so i am starting to retreat. i have no idea what i've done at all. and wheni mean retreat i mena inwardly. i go and lie down on the bed and turn on the tv, tryng to figure out what's up.
he comes in and sits at the end of the bed. nowehre near me. this can't be good. i'm in total panic. i ask him "did i ddo something to make you so angry at me?" then it comes out. i made him feel like watching anime wa a problem and made him feel guilty for watching it.
now i'm stunned. not only becuase i really felt like i did nothing of the sort, and because his reacion was unlike anyting i had ever een before from him. i apologize and try to explain that i was joking. he says he doesn't want to talk about it. so i stop talking and he walks out.
now my point for all the background was now my fear/insecurity is kicking in. i'm totally retreating into myself, wondering waht i have done to ruin this. he's never been mad at me, and he's MAD. i don't know what to do but i stay in the room.
he eventually comes ack adn we try to talk but i'm too far gone at this point and i'm jsut in tears. like tons of tears. i refuse to get up or make dinner or eat or anything. for his part he handled me well, but my reaction freked him out big time. we never ended up comign to any conclusion last night. he basically just tried to hold me until i fell asleep.
we tried to talk some today, but it wasn't so good. and we both have plans tonight so will probably not get to talk tonight either. and i knwo ti's no big deal,r eally, but it scared me. one to see him so mad and two to see my retreat like that, that it's still in me.
so i dunno, but it's not pretty right now.
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