stuff on my mind lately

i don't know what to say right now. i'm in a weird place. my regular neurologist was unimpressed with my NO's assessment to just let things go at this point, especially with the advent of my new symptoms. in his defense, the leg stuff came after my last appointment with him, so he doesn't know.

but she became very adamant that i needed a lumbar puncture. right away. mmmm fun. she had mentioned back i january that i might eventually need one if signs were pointing to ms. so i wasn't too pleased to hear this. so it was scheduled for first thing the next morning and i then freaked out. i've seen them on tv and yeah they're more dramatic then but i still wasn't looking forward to it.

so alex got some time off. we went. and truthfully, the procedure itself wasn't bad at all. not that i'm anxious to do it again, but it was fine. the weird part was after when they handed my my vials of spinal fluid. "here." they said. "you need to take these to the hospital for part two of the test." now... not only was i not aware of this "part two" i was planning on going back to work. which i had told them the previous afternoon. which had been fine. now all of a sudden i'm off to the hospital (alone, since alex had to head in, as we didn't know about the length of the appointment) with vials of my own spinal fluid. meanwhile i'm calling my boss to tell him of this new development and to let him know i actually won't be in as i'm supposed to go home and lay down for 6 hours. would have been nice if i had known this the day before.

anyway, so i do everything else, so home. fill up n caffeine, as directed then try to relax. uh huh.

anyway, i find out the results on the 6th. i'm sure they will be "unremarkable."

that's all well and good, except this part weekend we went to kentucky. to visit alex's brother. the one with ms. holy fuck was that hard. i love greg, i do. it was a little different this time though thinking "that could be me." that fucks with you a bit.

you know what else fucks with you? the idea that even if i don't have ms, which i honestly think will be the case, i clearly have to watch my immune system. like how surgery triggered the optic neuritis. and the fact that we've opted to not persue any plastic surgery (unless it become a real medical issue) because we just don't know how my body will react. all well and good. except for one little thing. kids. having them might trigger something awful in me. or if i have ms, do we want to chance it? we had a nice long talk about it on the way home. alex wants them. more specifically he wants ours. when i mentioned adoption, suddenly he wasn't so into it. and that' not to say we won't change our minds. but... it's quite a bit to think about, isn't it?