so bad

i'm getting bad at this updating thing again. *sigh*

so the ohio weekend wasn't nearly as awful as i thought it would be. we did end up staying at brian's, but it was all good in the end. jason and satomi let us stay in the guest room. the convention wasn't so bad. saw some very, um, interesting costumes. oh my.

we all ended up having dinner at a japanese restaurant. i used to like japanese food but haven't been too thrilled with it lately. my dinner was ok. alex drank a lot and was a little obnoxious. (little bratty sidenote: it was MY birthday and since apparently i was driving i didn't get to drink anything. not that i necessarily wanted to, but there was zero discussion about it. and that irked me a little bit. i'm not sure i like now he gets when he drinks -- read: stops listening to me completely -- so i'm a little apprehensive about new orlens. but i know i'm being hyper for no reason.)

anyhow... it was ok. i don't really hate brian anymore. and i DID get introduced to ddr. apparently i'm the only person on the planet that had not been informed about this little phenomenon. and as a person witha secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer that's just WRONG! so i was so into it. loved watching these uber geeks just break out in this incredible speed dancing. course since i showed such an intrest you know alex ordered our very own ddr that should be arriving in like a week. all well and good but does he think i'm going to do it in front of him!!! please.

which brings me to my last topic. my life is potentially going to completely change soon. everyone keep your fingers crossed. (that means you jon, you know you're the only one who reads this!)

friday five

i'm a friday five virgin, but no more!

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ...song?
Volcano, Damien Rice

2. ...food?
Anything that comes out of my showtime, especially steak with blue cheese sauce

3. ...tv show?
friends

4. ...scent?
alex

5. ...quote?
"they can call me crazy if i fail, all the chance that i'll need is one in a million, and they can call me brilliant if i succeed" ani d.

sometimes i don't get me

so there's been all this talk and upsetedness over my birthday wknd, right? so alex FINALLY gets it. FINALLY gets that no, this wknds plans are not ok with me. in his mind, we'd just celebrate it next wknd when he's talking me to the folk festival. um, ok. i get that. but to me, my birthday is on a saturday, why not celebrate it on a saturday? THAT SATURDAY, not any saturday.

so i say to him, "hey, what if i get us a place in columbus saturday night." that way i'm not saying "spend money on me!" besides, i found a great deal for the westin for a night. but then i decide: hey, maybe i am being a brat and we'll be with his friends, i shouldn't take him away from them and we'll just celebrate it next wknd.

meantime, i had already sent him the "hey i'll get us a place saturday night" email. i get home and he says he'll get the room. what do i do? say no. make him promise that he won't. because it's not really about the room, it's about him getting it. and he got it then. so i guess that's what matters. although WHY DID I SAY NO TO A NIGHT AT THE WESTIN??? argh.

then, last night we were eating after the seminar i dragged him to and he says "where do you want to have your birthday dinner?" now, i know FULL WELL where he wants to go. the same place we always go when we go to ohio, the wing place. is this where i want to go? no, not really. but again, his friends are there and i know that's where they all want to go. cuz that's what we always do. and then he's saying things like "well, if it were MY birthday i know where I'D want to go" so i'm all like "yeah fine, we'll go to the lube, i assumed we were."

why don't i assert myself? say what i want? i never get that about me.

trips

seems like there's been lots of trip planning as of late. like going to new orleans in march, yay! seems that worked out for the best. got a timeshare thanks to my parents and melissa and trish will be joining us for part of the week which will be so much fun.

then there's planning for our 1 year anniversary. yep, already. alex had the idea to go to stratford and was so so so excited about it. i will be fun. especially since i got to pick the b&b we're staying at which is so fancy! yay for the blue room!

but then there's this wknd. my 27th birthday. i have a horrible track record on birthday experiences, thanks to my ex. i recall one in particular roaming around the super, super bad ghettoass area of hartford at like 1am looking for the RENTAL car i had at the time. hoping to run into the dealer i suppose who would just hand it over to me? who knows what i thought would happen. then taking a nap at a "friend" of her's total crack den while i waited for the guy who was supposed to show up at 3am. good times, good times.

so after 6 years of spending my birthday in various degrees of badness, i had high hopes that my boy would do someting nice. i guess i excpeted him to know that i've had shitty birthdays and that, for once, i wanted to feel like a princess.

yeah. well, no, that ain't gonna happen. cuz he had talked me into going to THIS before i knew when it was. so that's right folks, i'll be spending my birthday wknd at an anime convention in columbus, ohio. (cuz y'all know how much i love that anime). the only way it could get worse is if we had to stay at zellner's. oh wait, we are. on the floor.

i'm not destined to have a nice birthday, ever. although, this doesn't compare to ghetto crackville birthdays, no. but still... when am i going to get treated like a princess?? the thing that gets me is that this behavior in and of itself is so unlike my boy. i mean, did we already forget this?

what do you say?

so i went to bed early last night since i was tired and alex was off doing his gaming thing he does on tuesday nights. he always wakes me when he gets home around 11 or 12. i can tell he wants to talk about it, so i let him even though i don't understand it. so i try to understand it. still don't. eh, whatever. it makes him happy and it's harmless.

him: so it's pretty dorky, huh?
me: eh, it's fine. and you like it, it makes you happy, right?
him: yeah
me: besides there are worse things yo ucould be doing (in my head i'm thinking strip clubs, and am about to say it, as a total joke...)
him: yeah, i could be doing drugs


yeah. thanks.

2004

well new years came and went. it was... tiring. we ended up having about 10 guests come over. i didn't think cooking and making dips and stuff would be as completely exhausting as it was. i left work around noon and we had to do a little last-minute shopping. i got into the kitchen around 3 and didn't stop until dinner was served around 8 or 8:30. didn't feel like i made a lot, but whew. tiring. the good part? after making all that food i had absolutely no desire to eat any of it.

i think everyone enjojyed themselves. i got to spend some time with people i hadn't before. some of alex's friends that i either met for the first time or really got to talk to for the first time. and it's very exciting because i think we're goign to start hanging out with this one couple more. i wish we were friends with more couples. i guess we're on our way. they're fun and i enjoyed their company.

i've definitely gotten lots of use out of grill already. i use it almost everytime i cook now, i really love it.

oh and i just finished watching parts of the live broadcast of the macworld expo in san francisco. how much do i want this?!?! ao cute.

so my mom calls this morning. seems we got a timeshare in new orleans after all. we'll be saying here. Pay no attention to the site, it's the only place i could find pictures. hopefully jon and melissa can join us. i hope to make that an annual event, too.

saturday i go for my psych eval. it's the last step before insurance sumission. scary shit. it will either change everything in my life completely, or completely change my life. no pressure.

it's showtime!

yesterday we celebrated our christmas since we'll be apart. got up early and ran down to open gifts just like little kids. alex told me he'd gotten me "everything i aksed for" and i couldn't figure out what he meant, as i hadn't asked for anything. just goes to show you how much my boyfriends listens and files away.

he got me a bunch of "girly movies" and i have to say, left to his own devices he did really well. we're talking legally blonde and my best friend's wedding calibur.

he got me cranium, the fancy version, the game i've raved about incessantly although i only played it once like 2 years ago.

he got me something i've wanted my entire life. a SNOOPY SNO-CONE MAKER. i can't believe he found one!!! it is the coolest gift i have ever received, the most thoughtful and wonderful.

then, the piece de resistance. yes folks, you can "set it and forget it" it's the ronco showtime rotisserie grill! made by mr. spray on hair himself! i have wanted this grill forever. (ok, not as long as snoopy) but no one took me seriously. except my boyfriend.

of course, in true alex fashion he had to also buy every accessory possible. yes, including the flovor injector! AND the solid food injector! and on and on and on...

it is so awesome. and i made steaks last night and words cannot express how incredible they were. we were totally watching them turn and drip. he even took pictures with his new camera.

after dinner we, of course, had sno-cones.

it was a wonderful day and easily the best christmas ever.

advice please...

i am totally addicted to reading advice columns. two in particular. this one and this one.

i don't know why. can't stop reading them. although dan's doesn't always interest me.

i wonder why i read them so religiously. like to the point that on carolyn's i read all the back-ones i could find, including the transcripts to her "live" chats. oh yeah, those are DANGEROUS! i've only kept up with them live twice. bad bad bad. i've not really had anything to do at work the last coupla days and so i've read alot. eh.

maybe i'm searching for answers to questions that i don't know i have.

i wonder if my boyfriend would agree...

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Hair
Special Talents Are	Blow Jobs
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

nothin a lil' bit o' espresso can't fix

so my boy wanted to see the new lotr movie. i knew this. i also knew he didn't want to wait until sunday, as i had originally suggested. so we went last night. with a bunch of his coworkers. for anyone that knows me at all, i fall asleep at movies. have forever, even back in slumber party days. you know the ones where you really want to watch dirty dancing, but you can't, you're not old enough yet. yeah, whatever. like i hadn't already found the sex books my parents had "hidden" in the entertainment center. riiiiiiight. but i digress.

so, we're going to go to a 7:30 movie. in dearborn (1/2 hour drive). and the movie is 3 1/2 hours. oh, and did i mention that i have already taken to falling asleep in the theaters too! i think the last 5 movies we saw, i only was awake partially. so, short story long, i had my concerns.

so i took a little stop at starbucks. and got not one, but TWO doppio espresso con pannas. oh yes, that's 4, count 'em 4 shots of that wonderful stuff. only they made them wrong. how can you mess that u0p you ask? oh it's possible. eh, regardless, it worked it magic. i was awake.

and i have to say, i enjoyed the movie. i did not see the other 2 in theaters, and yes, it did make quite a difference. it was a good time. and i was so awake i even got to drive home. go espresso!

now onto the second part of last night... meeting some new people. and i use "meet" loosly, as saying "hi, i'm chris" and then sitting near them for 3 1/2 hours doesn't quite qualify... but here's my impressions.

there was one dude that i really liked. and boy, i don't even know his name... but he was friendly, fun and i could joke around with him immeditately in that oh-so-charming way i have about me. there was one couple that we'd had plans with on 2 seperate occasions that were cancelled both times that coincidently jsut happend to be going to the same movie (how fun!). i didn' tlak to them for more than a minute but i already know i'll like them. plus, the wife has sex toy parties. can't beat that.

then there was this other girl. the girl that works with all these boys. the one i've heard about a lot but haven't met. the one hat i had been dying of curiosity to see. and boy. i did. not. like. her.

why you may ask? i'm not sure. she wasn't friendly. didn't even try to introduce herself. and i SWEAR she glared at me more than once. my imagination? maybe. but someting jsut ain't right there.

alex tells me he used to hang with her a lot then dropped her like a hot potato when he met me. think that's the reason? i, personally, think she may have had the hot for him (howver much he says that's not true) and therefore, resents me for stepping in.

i gotta say, i've been in that position many many times of being totally in love with a "friend" of mine and being crushed when my little fantasy of what we could be is obliterated.

not saying this is the case, but sure does seem like a likely candidate to me.

hee hee!

fun!

awww yeah

who rocks the party that rocks the party? he does!

holiday spirit

man... i guess getting older does tend to taint things. this weekend as we were addressing our cards a neighbor kid came by with a bag of cookies and the like from his family. our reaction "damn! no what are we going to do for them??" this after i learn alex's friend got me a present. rrrrrr. just one more thing i have to get now. i just went to best buy to get alex's last 2 gifts (yeah 2, i shouldn't have even got 1 and i got 2) and i start thinking that i have a pretty bad attitude about gift giving this year. and i guess i do. point is i spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much money on my boyfriend which left me nothing for anyone else... after buying my plane ticket and such too. oh well. what can you do.

merry effin christmas.

for the love of god

has it really been THAT long? jeez i guess it has. i think i've lost my excitement for this. either that or my life is so boring that i have nothing to write about!

what's new? well we got our first chritmas tree. a big ass one at that. we think it's about 10 feet tall. we don't know. freakin huge regardless. felt like a couple of little kids since we were so excited bringing it home. we listened to christmas music and drank champagne while decorating it.

what else.. had to get new glasses since my frames broke. yeah, they're purple. purple frames.

eh. i'm bored of this already, but feel compelled to post this so there's something,anything up there that's in this month.

man. i'm so lame.

long time, no post.

you know, i read jon's thingy a lot, like everyday. and i've started to read a few others he had linked from his site. and i get so annoyed when people don't put up new posts. like, hello?? you have something better to do?? yeah, i didn't think so. then i was thinking, boy you're awfully hypocritical, there, aren't ya? even though i know no one reads this. i felt bad just the same.

so, here goes.

so what's changed? not too much. been livin with the boy for a few months now. all is smooth sailing. things are even better than they were before we did this. i think his need to plan every second that we're together had abated since i don't go anywhere now. this is a good thing.

we made our big trip back east. what a friggin whirlwind! i started to get sick before we leftm but some how kept it at bay. which is a good thing.

alex met everyone, everyone met him. everyone seems to like each other. or so they say. it seems like my time with jon was so short, which made me sad. barely got to see melissa at all, which also made me sad. leaving grampa made me sad. i even started to cry. he's not doing well. it's hard to see him like that.

i did better flying that i had expected. that was good. but once we got back, my illness hit me full force. i've been completely miserable since then. congestion, sore thraot, earache, body aches, and the worst, this awful awful cough. that HURTS. you know the kind, when your lungs feel like they're on fire and your sides ache from coughing. the kind that you ccan't get sleep with, the kind that keeps your boyfriend up at night, the kind that sends the cat that was sleeping next to you skyrocketing across your boyfriends face in the middle of the night.

and it's not getting better. in fact, it's worse. nothing i can buy at cvs is helping one iota. so i'm finally going to the dr today. i hope they can give me something.

theatre bizarre

this wknd we went to the biggest, best party i have ever been to in my life. check it out.

i love halloween things, always have. so when alex suggested we go to this thing, i was like, yeah ok. i had NO IDEA what we were in for. he didn't either. his coworkers started this thing and it's jsut so big and IMPRESSIVE. nothing about it is half-assed.

started out with needing costumes. so i rented us charlemagne and queen catherine costumes. he was so freaking adorable in his little hat and tunic!

so we go there and you need to enter through a haunted house. not much of a haunted house, per se, but the end you walk through a dark room, get completely disoriented, then have to walk out through a tunnel that is all fog and a black strobe light. you cannot see A THING. but, the people on the other side of the tunnel can see YOU!. omg, if i could have only seen us.... first of all alex got us lost in the black room, so we were in there for longer than we should have been. then somehow i ended up in front, inching our way out with his arms wrapped around me from behind. let's just say when we got out there were these two huge security guys laughing their asses off at us! and i don't blame them one bit.

so on the otherside, it was 3 main areas. it was like a giant haunted carnival. the main stage, where bands played, different little stands all around, a tent (which was nice to go under sometimes as it was raining off and on) then the area on the otehr side that was a huge dj area with a big sreen and more booths.

let's not forget the 6 or 7 beer stations. it was all you could drink. i've never had so much beer before. it was such a fucking good time. the ENTIRE night.

i want to go again!

giving it a try

i've seen this 100 things about myself thing a lot of people do. can i hack it? let's see:

1. i have no "full" siblings only "half's"
2. i always cut/grow my hair over and over again cyclically. on the grow side now.
3. i am living in ann arbor for the second time in my life.
4. i never in ten million years pictured myself in michigan.
5. i love my job.
6. i consider myself very luck that i love what i do for a living.
7. i have a secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer.
8. i weigh about twice what i should.
9. i am incredibly self conscious of my size/body.
10. if i could i would get bariatric surgery in a second.
11. i have been trying to for 5 years.
12. my size does not bother me as much as it used to.
13. all the boys i had crushes on growing up are gay.
14. my first true love was a woman.
15. i don't ever believe i will love someone with that much intensity again.
16. i have never loved and gotten hurt so deeply before.
17. crack almost sompletely destroyed my life.
18. i have never even seen crack.
19. i have learned the very very hard way that love and support and sacrifice cannot change a person. only they can.
20. i have attempted suicide twice in my life.
21. the first time was an attention thing. the second time was real.
22. i have scars i am forced to face every single day for the rest of my life because of it. physically and emotionally.
23. i have never admitted this to my mother.
24. i resent my mother for not protecting me from getting raped when i was 16.
25. i was attacked once in my apartment by a guy who broke in.
26. it was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
27. i still to this day have issues with being home alone.
28. i love croutons.
29. i love broccoli.
30. i love my friends and wish i wasn't so far from them.
31. i have no doubt that moving back here was the right decision for me.
32. i own a condo i don't live in.
33. i never expected to find someone to love me again so easily.
34. or to accept all that i am and all that i've been through without hesitation.
35. it was difficult to explain my scars to my boyfriend.
36. i love my cat isaac very much.
37. isaac knows when i'm upset and comforts me.
38. my strength in bad situations amazes me.
39. i feel like this is my time to be happy.
40. financially, it will take me a very long to dig myself out of the hole that i'm in.
41. i do not want to marry alex until my finances are in order.
42. i expect to be mrs. hamlin someday.
43. i want to have children.
44. i refuse to have children until/unless i am in better physical shape.
45. when i think of my life last year at this time, i marvel at how far i've come.
46. i miss my grandfather.
47. i am afraid of my grandfather dying when i am not around for him.
48. i will always regret not seeing mimi the night she died.
49. i wish i knew my father.
50. i wish i was closer to my siblings.

(i have to work now, i'll finish later.)

i'm in

it's official. we're living together. moved over most of my clothing yesterday. the rest of the stuff will come in bits and pieces. he's so adorable i swear.

so my car is in bad shape, (of course, it's mine), and i need to get it fixed. my check engine light came on which freaked me out. so now alex insists i drive his car until i can get mine fixed. how sweet is that? i LOVE his car...

it's all changed

i don't know what calm had decended on me today but suddenly i have no fear, no anxiety, no doubt, nothing but love for my boyfriend. and i feel completely ready to take that next step and to officially move in together.

i can't tell you why or how it all changed, it just did. nothing was different this weekend than any other weekend. nothing was different last night or this morning even. not a thing. except my attitude.

i guess i should share this bit of info with him tonight, huh?

a tired and happy girl

so after the day of sadness my boy and i spent all night talking and laughing and crying and listening and relating and just holding and loving each other.

i feel much better abot everything now, although i'm veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeepy!