holy fuck

today is my last day at office. wednesday i go in.

i'm a basket case. totally and completely.

could i be more self-absorbed?

it didn't occur to me until right now that i did not get alex a gift for our big anniversary this wknd. what did he do? oh booked us this fancy place got us all these play tickets. and i knew that, i've known that for awhile. and it never once occured to me that i did not get him a gift. until right now.

i'm SUCH an ass.

19 days left

the more i learn the more m'm freaking out. i've never been in the hospital for a procedure before and now i'm getting my insides completely refigured! i'm not having second thoughts at all, just a little scared.

so, alex talked me into getting those neosporin scar strips thing to try to minimize my scars. i wonder how he really feels about them sometimes. i notice he rubs the insides of my wrists a lot, which always makes me feel a little weird. so the other night i asked him why he was so hot on my using them and he said it was a reminder of a bad time. ok, that's fair.

i guess they really jsut don't bother me as much anymore. i used to not be able to look at my scars without starting to cry or remmebering the feeling of the knife, or the emotions that i went though that day and reliving it over and over and over... so i guess that's a good sign. i don't even know how noticable they are really.

do i wish i had never done it? i mean, i guess the right answer is yes, but since it got me out of the situation, eventually and got me to where i am today, so no, i guess i don't.

something new

i've not talked about american idol yet this season. i dunno. i'm still addicted to it but can someone tell me what is up with all these theme nights? latin? the 'solid as a rock' people? manilow? wha'ts up? now disco night? blows.

jeniifer leaving didn't bother me, i never liked her. can she sing? oh yes. but she annoys me. cna't stand her. i was fine seeing her go. redhead took too long, everyone knows that. but WHY did george go before jasmine? that wasn't right. and if she doens't go this week, well, then, i might be done with the show.

who's going to win? i dunno. i guess i'm rooting for latoya.

in other black women news, i hat to admit it but it does bother me **a little** that i never tlaked ot nina more that for that 30 seconds. i was too hyped up to know what to do with her on the other end of the line, and i think i missed my chance. my chance for what? i'm not entirely sure.

eh.

losers

i'm actually doing a pretty good job at getting less stressed i think. i'm starting to get more and more excited. i'm thinking about all the things that are good: new clothes! rollerblades! biking! hiking! walking, even! wearing my dream wedding gown. having awesome wedding photos, etc etc. it's going to be unbelievable and amazing.

i'm still scared though. scared of coming home with a drain. that scares the bejeezus out of me.

ok, so i need to get this off my chest. there's this whole, well, cult of people who want or have had this surgery and there's all sorts of messageboards, etc.. but i have to tell you... i think it's kinda, well.... gay. they call themselves "losers." LAME. they want to be your "angels" to help you through it. LAME! i mean, i understand the support nature. hell, i even have an angel (gag. she's great but if she signs another email 'your angel' i'm going to lose it).

is that wrong of me? i mean, i'm gonna be one of them. one of them actually said to me "we'll save you a seat at the losers bench." please!!! could that analogy be any worse?? especially since people going through this have little or no self-esteem to begin with. who thought up THAT brilliant name. ugh.

maybe i am just a loser.

*sigh*

so my date has changed. one week later, june 2nd. no big deal, but i'm really disappointed.

23 days

i can't believe i'm having surgery in 23 days. i know this site is goign to turn it's focus to what this is like 100% now, not that it want's before. i'd like to transition to my real url (hello, jon!) so i can post pictures and stuff... we'll see. maybe when i'm home for two weeks recovering, i can get that going.

i'm so freaked out. i am so scared. now that it's real i feel like i know nothing and can't remember anything i'm supposed to do. AH!!!

W04021300140

that's the number that's going ot change my life. my approval code. i feel like getting a tattoo of it.

i have a date

i have a fucking date for surgery!!!!! i don't believe it. i'm in awe.

my mom is not thrilled, i'll have to work through that.

what a year it's been.

so i'll be simultaneously be recovering/adjusting, doing home improvements and planning a wedding.

sheesh.

my whole life is going to change. big time.

I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had my hearing and they were suppose dto tell me tomorr wbut they called like 10 minutes after and TOLD ME I GOT IT!!!!!!

I WON!!!!!!!

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because i like to rip things off and i need a distraction right now

firsts & lasts

firsts
first best friend: stephanie huot
first job: taco bell, baby
first screen name: malatesta
first self purchased album: def leppard "pyromania"
first crush: nathan cullerot in the fourth grade. he used to draw me pictures and buy me candy.
first funeral: a distant relative and i don't really remember, but i remember we walked into the wrong room.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: for the store the weathervane in high scool.
first true love: nina.
first enemy: tonya simpson.
first big trip: i went to mexico and florida and california when i was young, before my mom remarried, but it's vague.
first play/musical/performance: i think it was "the king and i" with my mom. i was really young.

lasts
last cigarette: new orleans, in the funky pirate while drinking horny gators.
last car ride: to work this morning.
last bus ride: in new orleans as a connector and also oak alley plantation the morning i was going to get engaged.
last good cry: good cry? i don't remember. last time i cried, cried was during wedding planning stress.
last library book: "the kid" by dan savage
last movie seen: "13 going on 30"
last beverage drank: fruit2o plus, berry relaxing
last food consumed: salad for lunch
last crush: holly
last phone call: jmac
last tv show watched: 24 last night
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my black work shoes.
last annoyance: a co-worker's stupidity.
last disappointment: my insurance company being stupid.
last ice cream eaten: phish food cone at ben & jerry's free cone day yesterday.
last shirt worn: currently, i'm wearing a white one with blue and blach vertical striping. the last one before this was a turtleneck i wore to work yesterday. thrilling.
last website visited: here. that's where i got this.

what kind of twilight zone am i in?

i don't know when my world got all screwy but i'd like it back to normal please.

yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.

we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.

so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.

it's nina.

WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?

WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.

thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.

as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.

but i'm different now, right?

it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.

so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.

he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.

i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.

i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.

EXCUSE ME????????

after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.

i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.

people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.

sunshine day

saturday we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the more i think about it the more the movie, and what it meant to me, kinda fucked me up. i've been kind of messed up since then. i planned to post all my thoughts on it but i just don't feel like getting into it right now.

i stand corrected

my bad. jon, you're absolutely right. i want to be a choreographer. so bad. maybe i blocked it because secretly in my mind i already am.

been so long...

that there's been a friday five, i didn't bother checking on friday.

1. What do you do for a living?
graphic designer

2. What do you like most about your job?
that i love it

3. What do you like least about your job?
mmm.... when a client makes you do exactly what they want, even when you know it's not in their best interest

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
someone is being stupid. silly drama....

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
i have always wanted to be an astronaut... although that's not as cool these days. honestly when i'm independantly wealthy i want to make jewelry and do design for good causes (like breast cancer awareness, etc...)

getting calmer

i SWORE i'd never be one of those girls who was a mess when it came to her wedding. yeah, that went out the door REALLY quickly. poor alex. i don't envy him the next few months.

but i think i have a little bit of a leg to stand on. first of all, i've only got like 50 people max that i am going to invite. he's got at least 100. at least. that's because he needs to invite EVERYONE he's related to in ANYWAY. and not to be a brat, but i have a little experience here, black families are friggin huge! and he has to invite all his cousins and all their kids and all their kid's kids. and that's only his black side of the family. then he's got his mom's side with is 6 siblings, thier spouses, their kids, UGH! then there's his dad who wants us to do this or do that, or use this place or that. and invite a bunch of HIS friends. at least with his dad i think the answer is clearly "no money, no say." isn't that terrible? but we're footing the bill ourselves completely.

and as far as the extended family goes, i think there should be some sort of age limit (as in really young kids). i also think that if he hasn't seen them it the last year. if i don't even know who they are and if, say, they didn't know he had a girlfriend, i think they could probably be discluded. cuz i've not met 100 people in the past year, i tell you that much.

and i'm NOT having a backyard bbq for my reception. no thanks. or a vfw hall. nope. i'll pull my "i'm the bride, it's about me" card if i have to.

on the upside, i think we're going to spain, that could be really fun.

already too stressed

we've not even been engaged a montha nd i'm already so stressed out and frustrated that i've been in tears twice, and i'm having migraines galore.

it's not supposed to be like this.

i vote for vegas.

how things change

i feel like i've gone thorough a great upheaval in the last few weeks. like the direction i thought i was going in came to a screeching halt and now i need to make a turn and get going. planning a wedding? for like 200 people? NOT something i thought i'd be doing right now. at all. it's exciting and stressful and fun and crazy and... expensive.

i think there were certain things i wanted t have in a wedding that we're not going to be able to do/have since we're footing the bill. but it's ok. only one day, and i REFUSE to get into more debt over it. that's another thing... i wanted to get some of my ex-debt paid off before getting alex all affiliated with me and that's not going to happen. he knows how i feel about it, but he doesn't care. guess that's good.

the other thing... with my new name comes new insurance. ones that i could get approval through. so these are the choices as i see them:

1. wait until spring, get new insurance and hope to god policies don't change before then.

2. elope now, get insurance, get approval, have big wedding in a year as planned (and be happy with the photographs)

i'd really like option 2... but i dunno. he actually suggested it, although i think he was half joking. i'm doing my appeal now, if it doens't go through (it won't) i think i might press for #2. thoughts?

in the meatime, my mom is here to do the big meeting of the parents. we're looking at a place tomorrow that i'm really excited about. i have a band that i want (but i'm sure we won't be able to afford) but i DO have a great photographer lined up already that i'm really excited about.

so all in a all, a good start.

where to begin?

seems like a lifetime since i wrote on this.

lots has happened. went to new orleans. got sunburned. got drunk. ate too much. listened to lots of blues. oh, and got engaged.

that's right. i got myself a big 'ol diamond on my left hand. fancy, custom done, like nohting i've seen before. AND he's had it for 3 months. it's still not real to me, i swear.

more later.

at this time tomorrow...

i hope to be sitting somewhere on bourbon street, drunk.

it's been a hard coupla of weeks and i'm looking forward to it, for sure.