why am i so sad? i guess it started when we had the moving in talk, that left me sad. i jsut can't see to stop being sad. alex noticed, of course, and suggested we "call in sad" to work today and just spend some time together. i guess i probably should have. oh well.
so am i screwing things up by being sad? on the one hand it scares me to show him i'm sad. i'm afraid he'll be concerned about my.. ahem... past actions. NOT that he should be. i mean that was something completely unreal. but i think that nags me in the back of my head. even though he's never been anything but understanding and compassionate.
one thing that has been swirling in my head is a certain ex. i'm only talking about the good parts. the comfort level wwe had with each other. the excitement and spontaneaty we had. the romance. the laughter. take the bad stuff out and we were undoubtedly made for each other. i find myself comparing those things to what i have with alex. which, i guess, of course, is inevitable.
these are some of the comparisons... level of comfort: well, after being together for 6 years of course there will be a certain high level of comfort. and i think, for 4 months, we certainly are very comfortable with each other. i think i'm talking more day-to-day stuff and that stuff will come with time.
excitement? spontanaety? no, not really. it's odd. we do stuff. i'm content. but i think i miss the forcefulness and resolve that she had. the initiative that made up for my apathy. when you're both apathetic, not much gets done. and he needs to plan EVERYTHING and it does drive me nuts. finally on saturday after grilling me about "what are we going to do? watch tv? ok, what are we goign to watch? do you like this?" over and over until he finally said "or i can shut up, we can watch this, and i can stop trying to plan every minute of the day" and i'm like "you finally got it!"
romance? eh. yes and no. he's so loving and so affetionate. and i need that, i know that. stupid stuff like nina used to slap my ass a lot and i liked that, i'm not ashamed to admit. althoug she brought it into overkill. now he's suddenly started doing that. well, ok! don't know where that came from, but yay! she'd write me poems and pick me wildflowers. ok, i understand that's not the "norm" but it was great! he's getting the idea that i like flowers so that's happening more and he does try, it's jsut not natural for him, and i understand that.
laughter? yes. and times it is coming out more. the silliness and playfulness. i've seen glimpses of it, i know it can be there. i jsut need to make it happen. and when i'm miss gloom and doom i know that certainly does not help!
i guess i don't feel that desperate, all comsuming, i'll die if i lose it kind of love with him. the hig emotion bursting in tears or in laughter all the time kind of love. but is that because she was my first true love? maybe. i don't know. and i do love him. when i'm not with him i want to be. i'm a better person when i'm with him. he's very good to me and loves me and takes care of me.
so what is my problem???
9.30.2003
9.26.2003
home
so we had the moving in together talk. i have to say, i think it went pretty poorly. not in topic. i mean, i know he wants to and that's no surprise, but i had 3 questions to ask him and his answers weren't really what i expected:
#1 Why do you want to live with me
#2 What do you envision changing once that happens and
#3 When do you see this happening
Answers were very logical, very not emotional. including things like "it will be more convenient." "we won't have to keep up both houses", "it will be better for the cats"
After like an hour of talking I was finally to the point of "say something nice about me and wanting to do this that had nothing to do with cats!"
so then of course he did. and it was all good stuff. and i felt better. and he said that he hadn't said any of that because it goes without saying that he'd feel that way. he was looking at the more logical, analytical side. and that "girls are wierd. they need to hear things to believe them."
we talked about the things that are problematic, namely my condo. his quesion was "do you consider that home?" and i didn't know what to say.
home. interesting concept. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and haven't had a "home" in a long long time. the last time i sorta felt settled was in farmington with matt, really. alex said it seemed strange to him that i'd want to spend all this time, energy (and money) to make my condo my home, when we should be starting to think about building a home together.
i don't know why the whole thing left me feeling kind of sad. i don't know why, really.
it ended up coming down to this for now: we need to address the cats and how that's going to work. once that happens, i'll move my clothes and stuff over to his house, but will maintain my condo... until we decide otherwise.
and i sadi to him that it will always be "his house." especially while i still have my condo. and that can potentially get wierd. not that i really think so, but my past is rearing it's ugly head of memories which is probably why i'm freaking.
bottom line? i'm scared. but i don't really know why.
#1 Why do you want to live with me
#2 What do you envision changing once that happens and
#3 When do you see this happening
Answers were very logical, very not emotional. including things like "it will be more convenient." "we won't have to keep up both houses", "it will be better for the cats"
After like an hour of talking I was finally to the point of "say something nice about me and wanting to do this that had nothing to do with cats!"
so then of course he did. and it was all good stuff. and i felt better. and he said that he hadn't said any of that because it goes without saying that he'd feel that way. he was looking at the more logical, analytical side. and that "girls are wierd. they need to hear things to believe them."
we talked about the things that are problematic, namely my condo. his quesion was "do you consider that home?" and i didn't know what to say.
home. interesting concept. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and haven't had a "home" in a long long time. the last time i sorta felt settled was in farmington with matt, really. alex said it seemed strange to him that i'd want to spend all this time, energy (and money) to make my condo my home, when we should be starting to think about building a home together.
i don't know why the whole thing left me feeling kind of sad. i don't know why, really.
it ended up coming down to this for now: we need to address the cats and how that's going to work. once that happens, i'll move my clothes and stuff over to his house, but will maintain my condo... until we decide otherwise.
and i sadi to him that it will always be "his house." especially while i still have my condo. and that can potentially get wierd. not that i really think so, but my past is rearing it's ugly head of memories which is probably why i'm freaking.
bottom line? i'm scared. but i don't really know why.
9.24.2003
am i ready?
so, yeah, we've been living out of bags for about 3 months now. more me than alex as we usually stay at his place. as mine is still in limbo and all that. it was easy in the summer, throw a shirt and some capris in a bag and i'm good to go. well now that it's getting colder it's getting more complicated. we're gonna be talking sweaters, boots, hair dryers, etc etc...
so alex tells me, bring more stuff over here. bring your clothes and leave them here. and i said "what? and pack a bag to go to my house?" and he's like "yeah" but i don't know. i don't want to do that, but why am i resisting?
so alex tells me, bring more stuff over here. bring your clothes and leave them here. and i said "what? and pack a bag to go to my house?" and he's like "yeah" but i don't know. i don't want to do that, but why am i resisting?
9.19.2003
my kitties
i love isaac. he's so my buddy. so many nights he's kept me company and comforted me and stayed with me during the most horrendous of situations. i never connected like that with newtie... hayes is cool, but still too much of a kitten. but i digress. i was so thrilled to have isaac back with me, in our own house, however ghetto it is. i got hayes thinking they'd be buddies, but that has not gone well at all. then there's the added problem that he wants to go out. which, truthfully, is ok with me. BUT my street is kinda busy, i'm near one of THE busiest streets and it does make me nervous. but i know isaac can take care of himself. i watch him check before he crosses the street, he's really good about it actually.
the problem is this... well meaning neighbors. isaac has a collar with his name, our address and my phone number on it. in the last month i can't tell you how many calls i've gotten from people saying my cat is in their yard. and that's all well and good, but, really it's ok that he's outside. people don't get it. and i understand the concern they have. especially that he's declawed. i try to explain that he doens't KNOW he's declawed and can kick some serious ass.
however, it seems that my practice of letting my cat is jsut NOT ok with lots of people.
and yes, he's been out at very inopportune times. like eveytime alex and i have gone away for 2 or 3 days. kim goes and checks on him but inevitably there's some fiasco.
there's been 2 very disturbing events though and i'm thinking more and more that maybe he should go back to my mom's house. NOT that i want him to go, but maybe it's better for him in the long run.
we alex and i talked about it last night and his suggestion is to switch, and see what happens. he takes isaac to the bigger house, that once he's ready, is a good neighborhood for him to roam in. and i take griff so the kittens can have playmates.
i suppose it's worth a try. i guess. on the one hand i think, great! i'll see more of isaac since we're usually at alex's. but with TWO kittens at my place, a lot more time will need to be spent there.
i guess we'll see.
the problem is this... well meaning neighbors. isaac has a collar with his name, our address and my phone number on it. in the last month i can't tell you how many calls i've gotten from people saying my cat is in their yard. and that's all well and good, but, really it's ok that he's outside. people don't get it. and i understand the concern they have. especially that he's declawed. i try to explain that he doens't KNOW he's declawed and can kick some serious ass.
however, it seems that my practice of letting my cat is jsut NOT ok with lots of people.
and yes, he's been out at very inopportune times. like eveytime alex and i have gone away for 2 or 3 days. kim goes and checks on him but inevitably there's some fiasco.
there's been 2 very disturbing events though and i'm thinking more and more that maybe he should go back to my mom's house. NOT that i want him to go, but maybe it's better for him in the long run.
we alex and i talked about it last night and his suggestion is to switch, and see what happens. he takes isaac to the bigger house, that once he's ready, is a good neighborhood for him to roam in. and i take griff so the kittens can have playmates.
i suppose it's worth a try. i guess. on the one hand i think, great! i'll see more of isaac since we're usually at alex's. but with TWO kittens at my place, a lot more time will need to be spent there.
i guess we'll see.
9.17.2003
birthday boy
ah, it's finally alex's birthday. i hope everything goes well. i feel like i have so much i still have to do.... oh wait. that's becasue i do!
the canvas transfer thing isn't going so well. maybe i'll get lucky when i look at them today. maybe.
then there's the pie, oh i'll write about that tomorrow i'm sure. ha ha... we'll see. i put a lot of effort into this i hope it goes ok.
the canvas transfer thing isn't going so well. maybe i'll get lucky when i look at them today. maybe.
then there's the pie, oh i'll write about that tomorrow i'm sure. ha ha... we'll see. i put a lot of effort into this i hope it goes ok.
9.15.2003
9.14.2003
first fight... well sorta
yesterday marked the first time that i was mad at alex. and mad is even a little strong i guess. more like annoyed. we both had nothing planned for yesterday. i assumed that we'd spend the day together (why shouldn't i? we always do) so, saturday morning he wakes me up at the crack of dawn... no lie it was like 6am. i had been looking forward to sleeping in. or course afer talking a bit i'm awake. ugh. he wants to go get breakfast. i'm so not ready for that. we end up talking for awhile and leave for breakfast at like 8am. ok. that's fine.
he keeps asking me "what are we going to do today?" i'm like "i don't know, whatever." i tell him at some point i need to go to cvs and go to see where i need to be for this volunteer work i had to do this morning. this will take about 15 minutes total. so we're driving back to his house, it's barely 9 and he's all like "why dont' you go do what you need to do." i'm like, ok, fine. so i go inside to get my stuff. kind of annoyed. but whatever. he knows it too. so i'm getting my stuff and he pulls me back down into bed and we start talking and stuff and end up falling back asleep... for 3 hours.
we get up and he's basically like "go do your stuff and we'll have dinner later" what? it's like noon at the most. fine whatever.
i think he's all caught up in having to have plans, and if there aren't any he freaks out. so i go home, shower, talk to grampa fpr awhile, do laundry, watch a movie, caulk my bathtub (wtf?!). he calls me about 3 pm and is all like "did you think of anything to do?" and i'm like "nope" clearly annoyed now. why do we have to have "something" to do. you know what i mean? i know he's just sitting around watching tv. which i did part of the time, but we can't we jsut hang out? rrrr.
so fine. i finish watching my movie, go to cvs, go to the walk site and then go to gallup park and feel better. i'm thinking that since it's a little after 5 at this point, we'll probably jsut get together. i call him on my way home and he's watching the game. ok, fine. his attitude deflates me a little bit. the conversation is odd. i tell him to watcht he game and to call me later. he's being strange. i tell him he's been weird all day and when he figured out what he wants to call me later and hang up.
i'm very upset at this point. i know it's dumb. he calls around 6, why don't we have dinner about 7 he says. he'll come over and get me. fine.
he comes, i'm a little aloof, i'm hurt. i'm not mena, just not as affectionate as usual. it's a little strained at first. but then it's ok. we go back to my house and play with the cats for a bit. i'm thinking i'll stay at my house and have him go home since i' still feeling odd and i had to get up around 6 to go to the walk. he suddenly remembers he has not seen my portfolio, he wants to. my student one.
so he goes to get it and we go through it. we get to my book. that was a little odd. he was very impressed and kind of weirded out at the same time i think. we look through some pictures and then decide it's time to leave. i go to go upstairs to get my bag and he's following me. then just totally attacks me. he's never been like that. a few hours later it's clear we're staying at my place. there's no chance either one of us are leaving.
we start talking and he's saying all sorts of thing how i'm his, and he never wants to be without me. i say at one point that i'll keep him and he's like "good. i was worried you were going to kick me to the curb earlier today, you know, when you were mad at me on the phone" and i'm like "just because i was annoyed with you doesn't mean i don't want to keep you"
then i was up say to late and was exhausted at the walk. keith, kelly, and buddy dave were in worse shape though so i didn't feel so bad. we had fun.
i'm still a little unsettled. but it will all be ok. right?
he keeps asking me "what are we going to do today?" i'm like "i don't know, whatever." i tell him at some point i need to go to cvs and go to see where i need to be for this volunteer work i had to do this morning. this will take about 15 minutes total. so we're driving back to his house, it's barely 9 and he's all like "why dont' you go do what you need to do." i'm like, ok, fine. so i go inside to get my stuff. kind of annoyed. but whatever. he knows it too. so i'm getting my stuff and he pulls me back down into bed and we start talking and stuff and end up falling back asleep... for 3 hours.
we get up and he's basically like "go do your stuff and we'll have dinner later" what? it's like noon at the most. fine whatever.
i think he's all caught up in having to have plans, and if there aren't any he freaks out. so i go home, shower, talk to grampa fpr awhile, do laundry, watch a movie, caulk my bathtub (wtf?!). he calls me about 3 pm and is all like "did you think of anything to do?" and i'm like "nope" clearly annoyed now. why do we have to have "something" to do. you know what i mean? i know he's just sitting around watching tv. which i did part of the time, but we can't we jsut hang out? rrrr.
so fine. i finish watching my movie, go to cvs, go to the walk site and then go to gallup park and feel better. i'm thinking that since it's a little after 5 at this point, we'll probably jsut get together. i call him on my way home and he's watching the game. ok, fine. his attitude deflates me a little bit. the conversation is odd. i tell him to watcht he game and to call me later. he's being strange. i tell him he's been weird all day and when he figured out what he wants to call me later and hang up.
i'm very upset at this point. i know it's dumb. he calls around 6, why don't we have dinner about 7 he says. he'll come over and get me. fine.
he comes, i'm a little aloof, i'm hurt. i'm not mena, just not as affectionate as usual. it's a little strained at first. but then it's ok. we go back to my house and play with the cats for a bit. i'm thinking i'll stay at my house and have him go home since i' still feeling odd and i had to get up around 6 to go to the walk. he suddenly remembers he has not seen my portfolio, he wants to. my student one.
so he goes to get it and we go through it. we get to my book. that was a little odd. he was very impressed and kind of weirded out at the same time i think. we look through some pictures and then decide it's time to leave. i go to go upstairs to get my bag and he's following me. then just totally attacks me. he's never been like that. a few hours later it's clear we're staying at my place. there's no chance either one of us are leaving.
we start talking and he's saying all sorts of thing how i'm his, and he never wants to be without me. i say at one point that i'll keep him and he's like "good. i was worried you were going to kick me to the curb earlier today, you know, when you were mad at me on the phone" and i'm like "just because i was annoyed with you doesn't mean i don't want to keep you"
then i was up say to late and was exhausted at the walk. keith, kelly, and buddy dave were in worse shape though so i didn't feel so bad. we had fun.
i'm still a little unsettled. but it will all be ok. right?
9.11.2003
my beloved grampa
my grandfather is definitely one of the most important people in my life. he was like a dad to me for so long. i remember stopping at dunkin donut for cocoa and a french crueller before dropping me off at school in the morning. or trip to bickford's before girl scouts. having dinner with him once a week at least all through high school. my firends like jamie always stopping by, coming in saying "hey grampa!"... then before college when he had his heart surgery, when he didn't remember who i was for weeks. having to measure his blood sugar for him when he couldn't do it. then coming home from college every weekend and going to maryann's for breakfast listening to him boast about "my granddaughter came all the way from connecticut just to have breakfast with me."
i know he's not going to live forever. and it's the one thing that made me regret coming to michigan, being away from him. it broke his heart when he found out i was coming back, especially after living at home with them for 6 months. i'd had a few false alams already since being back. he's gone into kidney failure, his CHF is recurring... but i wasn't ready for the call last night that told me he was bleeding internally. i'm pretty much waiting until mom calls with my flight information. i don't want my last time spent withmy grandfather to be in a hospital, but i'd rather that than nothing.
i don't want him to die, but i don't want him to be in pain and i know he's been in a pain for a long time. i know he's not happy. i know he's "done" with life. on the one hand i want him to meet alex very much, but on the other hand, i know part of him is holding out to make sure i'm "all set" you know? the older generations mentality. if he knows i've found my future husband and all that, will that make him want to stick around longer (ie: for the wedding) or would that give him the peace he needs to let go? i know this is not about me, and i am selfish for making it about me.
i'm just not ready to let him go. but will i ever be?
i know he's not going to live forever. and it's the one thing that made me regret coming to michigan, being away from him. it broke his heart when he found out i was coming back, especially after living at home with them for 6 months. i'd had a few false alams already since being back. he's gone into kidney failure, his CHF is recurring... but i wasn't ready for the call last night that told me he was bleeding internally. i'm pretty much waiting until mom calls with my flight information. i don't want my last time spent withmy grandfather to be in a hospital, but i'd rather that than nothing.
i don't want him to die, but i don't want him to be in pain and i know he's been in a pain for a long time. i know he's not happy. i know he's "done" with life. on the one hand i want him to meet alex very much, but on the other hand, i know part of him is holding out to make sure i'm "all set" you know? the older generations mentality. if he knows i've found my future husband and all that, will that make him want to stick around longer (ie: for the wedding) or would that give him the peace he needs to let go? i know this is not about me, and i am selfish for making it about me.
i'm just not ready to let him go. but will i ever be?
9.10.2003
the merging of the cats
if we didn't have 2 cats each, and we both didn't OWN our homes, i'm sure that alex and i would be living together by now. i mean, we are, pretty much, just split between our houses. there's only been 2 or 3 nights in the last 3 months that we have spent apart. actually 2. one because i had to be at a photo shoot at 7am (although now, we'd still spend the night together, but that was a long time ago) and the night that i slept through his calls (pre-key exchange). he even brought that one up again last night. how he "didn't get to see me at ALL that day (pouty lip and little whimpery noise)."
and even though we've talked about marriage and kids, the topic of living togehter hasn't really come up. although, it probably should. going back and forth IS a bit tiring. but he finally did bring it up last night, kind of round about.
we stayed at my house last night, as i felt like i'd been neglecting my cats. it was fun as ever. at one point he mentions that issac and kit would get along. knowing where he was headed, i made him say it. "there's no way you're switching isaac for griff. i don't need TWO kittens" and he's all like "no, no... not switching, but, you know, when we merge them together."
interesting.
and even though we've talked about marriage and kids, the topic of living togehter hasn't really come up. although, it probably should. going back and forth IS a bit tiring. but he finally did bring it up last night, kind of round about.
we stayed at my house last night, as i felt like i'd been neglecting my cats. it was fun as ever. at one point he mentions that issac and kit would get along. knowing where he was headed, i made him say it. "there's no way you're switching isaac for griff. i don't need TWO kittens" and he's all like "no, no... not switching, but, you know, when we merge them together."
interesting.
9.08.2003
fairborn ohio
so we spent the weekend in fairborn ohio. where's fairborn? near dayton. we went to spend the weekend with jason, satomi and brian (aka: zelner).
i had met jason and satomi before, and i truly love them. they're great. jason is really sweet. satomi rocks. zelner. eh. i could definitely do without him. he was not at all what i expected. he's so anal and uptight.
so saturday we decide we're going to play monopoly. probably a bad idea. monopoly can get ugly. i was pms-ing. and zelner was an ass. first he claims he doenst' knwo how to play. HELLO? who doesn't know how to play monopoly?? he had to say someting about everything all the time. i was annoyed! i tried not to be but it got worse and worse. he was so on my last nerve. we were all sitting on the floor. zelner was to my left and alex was to my right. he was leaning up against me so i could tlak in his ear and zelner couldn't hear me. and i was so all about "does he EVER stop talking???" i felt bad, but it was that or i was going to rip his head off and stuff it in his ass. i was more blatant about it as the game went on though, he'd want to make deals with me and i'd be like "no." right away to shut him up. it came down to him and alex and thankfully he lost.
i feel bad that i don't like him, as he's one of alex's 2 close friends, but ugh. i'm glad he lives 4 hours away.
on a good note, i'm not so sure what happened this wknd with alex and i but something changed. friday night we all played cards and drank and stuff and then satomi, zelner and i went to sleep and alex and jason stayed up talking for hours after. when he came to bed he was so all about "i love you very very very very much" and whispering to me how he was telling jason how great i am and how happy he is, etc etc. and we ended up having some really, really great sex in the middle of their living room! and ever since then he tells me how much he loves me like every five seconds. i don't know what happened.
i had met jason and satomi before, and i truly love them. they're great. jason is really sweet. satomi rocks. zelner. eh. i could definitely do without him. he was not at all what i expected. he's so anal and uptight.
so saturday we decide we're going to play monopoly. probably a bad idea. monopoly can get ugly. i was pms-ing. and zelner was an ass. first he claims he doenst' knwo how to play. HELLO? who doesn't know how to play monopoly?? he had to say someting about everything all the time. i was annoyed! i tried not to be but it got worse and worse. he was so on my last nerve. we were all sitting on the floor. zelner was to my left and alex was to my right. he was leaning up against me so i could tlak in his ear and zelner couldn't hear me. and i was so all about "does he EVER stop talking???" i felt bad, but it was that or i was going to rip his head off and stuff it in his ass. i was more blatant about it as the game went on though, he'd want to make deals with me and i'd be like "no." right away to shut him up. it came down to him and alex and thankfully he lost.
i feel bad that i don't like him, as he's one of alex's 2 close friends, but ugh. i'm glad he lives 4 hours away.
on a good note, i'm not so sure what happened this wknd with alex and i but something changed. friday night we all played cards and drank and stuff and then satomi, zelner and i went to sleep and alex and jason stayed up talking for hours after. when he came to bed he was so all about "i love you very very very very much" and whispering to me how he was telling jason how great i am and how happy he is, etc etc. and we ended up having some really, really great sex in the middle of their living room! and ever since then he tells me how much he loves me like every five seconds. i don't know what happened.
9.05.2003
domestic life
starting monday alex will be on a regular schedule! we'll get up together in the morning (instead of him pushing me out of bed)... and will actually get to see each other at normal times at night! i don't believe it.
we'll see how it goes. it won't be all peaches and roses. he's going to be beat and stressed out. i'm hoping i can somehow help to alleviate that.
nothing is a struggle with us though, i swear. even last night, it was the start of the football season and we totall hung out with brent and damien. cooked out. then when i was tired i went to bed while they watched the game. didn't bother me in the slightest. course, it's a long season, so we'll see.
we've moved really quickly from vaguely talking about marriage to talking specifically about marriage to discussing children pretty much on a daily basis. it totally isn't scary at all. i want all that with him.
as i was tlaking to marie though, the only issue i had about getting married was my awful financial situation. i don't know how all that works or anything, but i wouln't want to drag him into that. and i'm not sure about the legalities of marriage and stuff when it comes to finances.
but... as i was thinking about that, that's when my lawyer called. i swear, it was insanity. if we can get that case settled and i can pay off some stuff.... it would fix everything.
i guess we'll wait and see....
we'll see how it goes. it won't be all peaches and roses. he's going to be beat and stressed out. i'm hoping i can somehow help to alleviate that.
nothing is a struggle with us though, i swear. even last night, it was the start of the football season and we totall hung out with brent and damien. cooked out. then when i was tired i went to bed while they watched the game. didn't bother me in the slightest. course, it's a long season, so we'll see.
we've moved really quickly from vaguely talking about marriage to talking specifically about marriage to discussing children pretty much on a daily basis. it totally isn't scary at all. i want all that with him.
as i was tlaking to marie though, the only issue i had about getting married was my awful financial situation. i don't know how all that works or anything, but i wouln't want to drag him into that. and i'm not sure about the legalities of marriage and stuff when it comes to finances.
but... as i was thinking about that, that's when my lawyer called. i swear, it was insanity. if we can get that case settled and i can pay off some stuff.... it would fix everything.
i guess we'll wait and see....
9.02.2003
(hooray!) just practicing
i'm trying not to get to excited just yet, but it's so hard when you're in the piss-poor financial situation i am in (thanks, in large part, to my ex) and can see relief start to poke it's sunny little head up over the horizon!
first, looks like the gig with jon may come through. that in and of itself would help so tremendously. i could pay stuff off. which would mean i'd have more cash on a weekly basis and i could *gasp* open a savings account???!!!? no! tell me it ain't so!
bigger than that? i got a call from my lawyer on friday that they're about to get ready to settle my case with stop 'n' shop! i seriously don't believe it. it's been a little over a year since it happened and it has so been on the back burner in my mind for so long that it was SUCH an unexpected call to get. i should have asked him more quesions about timeframe and amounts and procedures etc, but i was so shocked and excited i didn't ask a damn thing.
now, i'm trying not to get too excited about this. for all i know they may just give me a measly $5K or something. but i have to doubt that since #1 my lawyer took the case (he only gets paid by a percentage of what i get) and #2 it just HAS to be more than that. it just HAS to.
oooh oooh i'm so trying not to plan ahead. i'm trying to prioritize things that i want paid off, you know?
but besides the obvious paying bills and not being so strapped issue, that is unequivocably the biggest plus to this, there are two more big bonuses that i am looking forward to.
first: it will make me feel like less of a charity case with my boyfriend. not that he EVER intentionally makes me feel that way AT ALL, but even if he still continues to pay for everything (which won't happen) even if i have the cash sitting there that alone will make all the difference. you know? it's not having it that's bothering me.
second: now i know this is far-fetched, but depending on what i get, it MAY just have surgery become a possibility. that's all i'm going to say, i don't want to get my hopes up.
more to come...
first, looks like the gig with jon may come through. that in and of itself would help so tremendously. i could pay stuff off. which would mean i'd have more cash on a weekly basis and i could *gasp* open a savings account???!!!? no! tell me it ain't so!
bigger than that? i got a call from my lawyer on friday that they're about to get ready to settle my case with stop 'n' shop! i seriously don't believe it. it's been a little over a year since it happened and it has so been on the back burner in my mind for so long that it was SUCH an unexpected call to get. i should have asked him more quesions about timeframe and amounts and procedures etc, but i was so shocked and excited i didn't ask a damn thing.
now, i'm trying not to get too excited about this. for all i know they may just give me a measly $5K or something. but i have to doubt that since #1 my lawyer took the case (he only gets paid by a percentage of what i get) and #2 it just HAS to be more than that. it just HAS to.
oooh oooh i'm so trying not to plan ahead. i'm trying to prioritize things that i want paid off, you know?
but besides the obvious paying bills and not being so strapped issue, that is unequivocably the biggest plus to this, there are two more big bonuses that i am looking forward to.
first: it will make me feel like less of a charity case with my boyfriend. not that he EVER intentionally makes me feel that way AT ALL, but even if he still continues to pay for everything (which won't happen) even if i have the cash sitting there that alone will make all the difference. you know? it's not having it that's bothering me.
second: now i know this is far-fetched, but depending on what i get, it MAY just have surgery become a possibility. that's all i'm going to say, i don't want to get my hopes up.
more to come...
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