6.30.2005

stuff on my mind lately

i don't know what to say right now. i'm in a weird place. my regular neurologist was unimpressed with my NO's assessment to just let things go at this point, especially with the advent of my new symptoms. in his defense, the leg stuff came after my last appointment with him, so he doesn't know.

but she became very adamant that i needed a lumbar puncture. right away. mmmm fun. she had mentioned back i january that i might eventually need one if signs were pointing to ms. so i wasn't too pleased to hear this. so it was scheduled for first thing the next morning and i then freaked out. i've seen them on tv and yeah they're more dramatic then but i still wasn't looking forward to it.

so alex got some time off. we went. and truthfully, the procedure itself wasn't bad at all. not that i'm anxious to do it again, but it was fine. the weird part was after when they handed my my vials of spinal fluid. "here." they said. "you need to take these to the hospital for part two of the test." now... not only was i not aware of this "part two" i was planning on going back to work. which i had told them the previous afternoon. which had been fine. now all of a sudden i'm off to the hospital (alone, since alex had to head in, as we didn't know about the length of the appointment) with vials of my own spinal fluid. meanwhile i'm calling my boss to tell him of this new development and to let him know i actually won't be in as i'm supposed to go home and lay down for 6 hours. would have been nice if i had known this the day before.

anyway, so i do everything else, so home. fill up n caffeine, as directed then try to relax. uh huh.

anyway, i find out the results on the 6th. i'm sure they will be "unremarkable."

that's all well and good, except this part weekend we went to kentucky. to visit alex's brother. the one with ms. holy fuck was that hard. i love greg, i do. it was a little different this time though thinking "that could be me." that fucks with you a bit.

you know what else fucks with you? the idea that even if i don't have ms, which i honestly think will be the case, i clearly have to watch my immune system. like how surgery triggered the optic neuritis. and the fact that we've opted to not persue any plastic surgery (unless it become a real medical issue) because we just don't know how my body will react. all well and good. except for one little thing. kids. having them might trigger something awful in me. or if i have ms, do we want to chance it? we had a nice long talk about it on the way home. alex wants them. more specifically he wants ours. when i mentioned adoption, suddenly he wasn't so into it. and that' not to say we won't change our minds. but... it's quite a bit to think about, isn't it?

6.15.2005

results

so i got them. they are "unremarkable." what does that mean, exactly? at least there is nothing glaringly wrong i suppose. so what does that mean? the optic neuritis was just a fluke?

which brings me to plastic surgery. let's face it, i want it. my weight has been stable for about 6 weeks now. it's even stabilized a few pounds higher than my low. and truly, i'm ok with that. i'm a small, or medium in tops. 10 or 12 in bottoms and i even put on an 8 dress last weekend. an EIGHT. i truly am happy. the only thing is the extra skin. and that is easily another 25 lbs, just in skin. and if my insurance will cover the tummy, the arms would only be $300/ea, and that's truly not bad. but then i wonder, if i do that will it make my thighs look crazy? then will i become obsessive?

we had ruled it out as i was told to avoid things that would mess with my immune system. this certainly would. now with a clean mri, is it an option again? i have to wait until next year anyway, since my vacation is all eaten up with the wedding this year. so i guess we just wait and see how i feel then? i guess so.

i guess we should see how eye surgery goes. see if anything gets triggered there and see what happens. *sigh*

side note, my whole life i thought that being thin and having money fixed everything. the older i get, the more people i know, the more stories i hear, man.... so not the case. and i'm glad i am who i am and i'm glad alex is who he is and i'm really excited to "officially" start our lives together.

6.10.2005

help, please

i don't think anyone actually reads this site. but it someone comes across this site and has any ideas, please let me know.

i am getting married in september. this past christmas i lost my grandfather. my grandpa and i were very very close and i loved him so much, i want to do some sort of dedication to him at the ceremony without sending anyone to tears (namely my mother and myself). I will, at the least put him on the back of the program with a photo and some sort of poem (any thoughts on this?) or any other dedication?

thanks.

6.01.2005

if it's not one thing...

then it's quite another.

so my leg is healing well. all is good there. keith and i start walking a few miles at lunchtime, this is good. we made a pact last year that this year i'd run the dexter-ann arbor 5K since i would be in such great shape. the race is this sunday. i started running last week. nice, i know. well, i wasn't thinking when i scheduled my leg surgery, and i have never run before. although, i have to say, first time out i ran almost a mile. i've NEVER ran a mile before. i had flashbacks to all those fitness tests in school. bah. i figure, so i run 1/3 of the race. last year, i wouldn't have been able to walk it.

so after a walk the other day i notice my foot is tingly. you know, that just waking up feeling you get in limbs. no big deal. only it never went away. for days. then it started getting worse. constant tingling, almost a burning sensation. and it has started moving up my leg into my calf. i don't tell alex as i know he'll freak. but eventually i have to. he implores me to go to the doctor yesterday. and truthfully, it's starting to scare me too. so i call and make an appointment with the nurse. let's be honest, i'm afraid that it's somehow related to ms. you know?

so i go and he checks me out and there's no "reason" for the tingling. no pain in my back, no pinched nerve, nothing like that. he then informs me that it could be this "rare disease" of which i can't remember the fancy name for, that he's seen 3 or 4 times. Causes numbness in the feet, moves up the leg, can cause paralysis (FUN). but it's usually in both legs. so i'm not a clear-cut case of this. no, of course not, am i ever?

then i realize it's probably not in my chart at my pcp that i'm being monitored for ms. so i mention this to him. aha he says. this "changes everything." i now MUST get in for my follow-up mri asap. as the mri is the only way to "prove" ms. well, i knew my NO wanted me to get one, but i guess they need to be 6 months apart, so i was waiting for june. that, and i needed the regular neurologist to order it so i could go locally. i had my appointment with her all set up for the 21st. but i guess that's not soon enough.

so now it's sunday. the day of the race. see how that came all full circle?

so there's nothing i can do about my leg until they find out what it is. so i need to live with it. i don't know what i'm hoping for. if it starts in the other leg, that's not a good thing as then it would lean toward the new rare disease. if it goes away, that's fine, but if it comes back (much like the optic neuritis) that's a BAD sign for ms.

one thing i didn't ask was if this new disease is auto-immune. if so, it could be what my body is now choosing to attack, you know?

bah. i guess i just have to wait it out, as usual.