who is that girl?

life without glasses is weird. what's weirder is this picture. alex took it last weekend when we went to a tigers game. with his phone. pretty impressive if you ask me.



but what's weird is WHO AM I? i mean, seriously. i do NOT recognize myself anymore. at all. that's a weird feeling. fun, but weird.

so yoga is going well. thanks to jon's suggestions (you rock). some days are better than others. i know my limitations better now. and i don't attempt something i know i can't do. and i love it. really, i do. we're doing yoga in the park tomorrow, i'm very excited about that.

it should be a busy weekend full of yoga and errands and wedding prep. i swear i have no idea how we'll fill our time after the wedding. i can't believe how soon it is.

can i tell you how lucky i am? alex worked from home yesterday. he secretly went to pick up my completely redone engagement ring (for sizing purposes, i would NEVER have touched it, but it had to come down from a 9 to a 5, and with the detail, it had to be melted. i was sad, for sure, but i'm so excited that it fits now) and my wedding band too, which is amazing. i love it. but anyway... he told me they were not ready. so when i got home and walked into the house he was there with a giant bouquet of white and purple roses and on one knee with my engagement ring and re-proposed. how freakin sweet is that? i can't believe this incredible man will soon be my husband.

ouch

so we started yoga yesterday. i learned that i'm flexible but not very strong. and my balance leaves some to be desired. which concerns us, of course, especially since i've never had balance problems. you know, before... but i'm trying to attribute it to it being my first yoga class. although alex could do things i couldn't balance-wise. and i know he was watching me like a hawk. i, on the other hand, couldn't see well. all the blood rushing to my head/dark room/vision still not 100%.... i f you know what i'm saying. oh and i'm VERY VERY VERY sore today. in that good-sore kind of way.

i haven't slept well in weeks. i try to say it's wedding-stress related (47 DAYS LEFT, HOLY CRAP) but i know what it is. because of my eye impairment, i am not only feeling like i have problems (i am) but i'm totally reliant on others for transportation right now as i've not been cleared to drive. these two things make me feel totally not self-reliant at all and i hate that. and that makes me think about what it will be like. you know, later... and that scares the hell out of me.

i try to brush it off like it really isn't happening, but i really think it is. my leg is getting worse i think. and the balance issues. and my eye.... eesh. can i wake up now?

more crap (aka: how much can i do to myself in one year?)

well first the good news. i'm officially as of this morning ONE HALF of the person i was before surgery. craziness! i wasn't sure this day would come. only about 25# more to go to be at my "ideal" weight, accounting for all the extra skin i have which i will not be having ps for.

this past friday morning i had PRK. for those of you who don't know what is it, it's what they did pre-LASIK. because of my optic neuritis i am not a LASIK candidate. all of this started back in december when i decided i did not want to have glasses in my wedding photos. vain, i know. i accept that. which lead us to research LASIK, which alex had years ago. that's when we discovered that i had a problem in my left eye and that's how all this started. so it was fitting to close the loop i suppose.

it was fine but recovery sucks. it's very long (as compared to LASIK) and much more uncomfortable. today was my fist day back i the office. and i still can't see all that well. but good enough to to code apparently. i "worked from home" yesterday. uh huh. which means i did laundry and watched a bunch of law & order on the tivo. i was waiting for emails that never came, honest. i did talk to alex on im a bit :) hopefully by next week i'll be cleared to drive. and hopefully soon my eyesight will get better. i was able to read a little last night, that was encouraging.

as for everything else... let's see i'm freaking about wedding stuff, but apparently we're working on that tonight. it's fun to get rsvp cards back, a few each day. only one "no" so far and it was very expected. so all is well so far.

no news on the darker front. apparently i'm (we're) choosing to ignore it right now. denial? our books that we ordered came, i haven't looked at them yet, as i've been blind and all and mush more interested in finishing the davinci code than anything ms-related right now. i have like 60 pages lefft and i was cursing my eyes for not being able ot handle more last night. bah!

shower weekend

can i just say how great it was to be back east for a few days? cuz it really was. for lots of reasons. most importantly of course to see all my friends and my family. my bridal posse put on a GREAT shower for me it was really a lot of fun. half-way through it it hit me that damn, this is for ME because i am getting MARRIED. weird. my life is just so different now than just 3 or 4 years ago. it's pretty amazing. but i digress....

so yes, it was fabulous to see all my friends, most of whom i had not seen since surgery (and even those i had it was a long time ago) so it was fun to hear their amazement and awe at how i look. really, that won't get tired. i think for the most part some of them are really sad right now with their lives and it's easy to forget that sometimes. i wish i would have gotten more time to talk to them individually. my sister about her divorce, marie about her maybe separation, etc etc, but who wants to talk about those things at a bridal shower? right. which was the other reason it was good for me, i didn't have to think about anything bad. just hanging with my friends having a GREAT time and relaxing.

then, of course, we have to leave. then i realize how sad i really am that my friends are so far away. and that even though i'll see them in 2 months, then what?? i can't even say the requisite, "i'll be home for christmas", as that's not happening anymore. when will i see them again? ugh. this is not good. and there was so much talk about "when/how many kids you guys gonna have?" which is a scary thing in and of itself, as i did get my mom's history of miscarriages, etc.... but then it brought up all the stuff i had conveniently stuffed away for the weekend.

as i said, if asked directly i will answer anyone's questions, but right now i'm not volunteering the information. well, as my sister is leaving she asks me. and for some reason i felt compelled to tell her. right there in trish's sun porch of my diagnosis. we talk a few minutes about it and she leaves on the verge of tears. trish sees this and asks me what's up as she caught part of the conversation. so i sit with trish and we talk about it for awhile. meanwhile i had left alex out on the patio with two drunk girls and eventually he starts looking for us so we were cut a little bit short. i did not tell him that i told anyone though, not yet.

still haven't told my mom. it was killing me the first few days but it's easier now. her and dad are leaving for australia soon and then she'll be here for a long weekend when i take her to see neil diamond and i have my first dress fitting. we talked about telling her then, but honestly i'm starting to think post-wedding is the best. by then there will only be a month to go and it will be so busy that it will be easy to forget... until we get back from the honeymoon and meet with the doctor to tell her our decisions.

we were working on wedding stuff last night and i noticed the book the doctor gave us was next to alex's computer. yep, back to reality.

but, let's leave on a high note today. it's a little blurry, but still cute.

sort of sinking in now

it still doesn't seem real. and now i have to decide when/if to tell people. i consciously have decided not to tell family/friends before this weekend as i'm leaving today to go back home for my bridal shower. and i did not want the focus of the weekend to become something else. so right now, only alex knows. and my buddy keith. i work with him and we talk about everything. we went for starbucks yesterday and he knew something was up, and i was about to explode. i needed to just say it. course, i still could not bring myself to say the words. all i said was that the results came in and they were positive. that's the most i could say. bah.

thing is, i can't lie, i swear i'm incapable. i can not come out and divulge information, but if asked directly, i can't lie. so i'm thankful my mom (who i talk to almost every morning) has not asked me about how my appointment went. she'd rather talk about london. which is fine with me. there's plenty to talk about there.

i just hope she doesn't ask me tonight or this weekend while we're there. i mean if she does, i need to tell her. but like i said, i want this weekend trip to be joyous. even though it will clearly be on my mind.

luckily my mom took out a crapload of life insurance on me when i was born. for two reasons, my dad had lupus and died when i was young and she was left with a child and lots of bills (and practically no life insurance benefits for him, i mean we was barely in his 30s) so she wanted to make sure i was protected, but also the likelihood i'd get sick was high, so she wanted to make sure i'd be covered. guess her foresight was right on. we are supposed to talk to her about taking over all of my policies now that we're getting married. alex thinks this would be a good time to tell her. we'll see.

everyone here at work that got their invites are all telling me how gorgeous they are and how excited they are. and as excited as i am about the wedding, i still have a hard time shaking the nagging feeling that alex is now signing up for more than he thought. and i know he will be there for me 3000% and he constantly tells me that, it's still hard to shake it. you know?

the news, it's not good.

so let's just out and say it: i have ms.

whew. there. i said it. 'course no one is listening, but there it is. july 6, 2005, i was diagnosed. without ceremony, without fanfare, and much to our shock and dismay. after almost a year of testing and poking and prodding, and wondering and debating, the oh-so-fun lumbar puncture of a few weeks back has confirmed it. I HAVE MS.

so she tells me then gets up to "get me information" and i'm just looking at alex in shock like, what?? that isn't what was supposed to happen. that's not what i expected. at all. i thought i'd get more percentages. more uncertain results. nope. this is it. we now have two months to decide what therapy to start. two months. you realize where that puts us, right? smack dab at the wedding.

i'm still in shock. i just don't even really know what to say. all i can think about is seeing greg a few weeks ago and that could be me. christ. i have ms.

what the hell do i do now?