3.31.2004

already too stressed

we've not even been engaged a montha nd i'm already so stressed out and frustrated that i've been in tears twice, and i'm having migraines galore.

it's not supposed to be like this.

i vote for vegas.

3.26.2004

how things change

i feel like i've gone thorough a great upheaval in the last few weeks. like the direction i thought i was going in came to a screeching halt and now i need to make a turn and get going. planning a wedding? for like 200 people? NOT something i thought i'd be doing right now. at all. it's exciting and stressful and fun and crazy and... expensive.

i think there were certain things i wanted t have in a wedding that we're not going to be able to do/have since we're footing the bill. but it's ok. only one day, and i REFUSE to get into more debt over it. that's another thing... i wanted to get some of my ex-debt paid off before getting alex all affiliated with me and that's not going to happen. he knows how i feel about it, but he doesn't care. guess that's good.

the other thing... with my new name comes new insurance. ones that i could get approval through. so these are the choices as i see them:

1. wait until spring, get new insurance and hope to god policies don't change before then.

2. elope now, get insurance, get approval, have big wedding in a year as planned (and be happy with the photographs)

i'd really like option 2... but i dunno. he actually suggested it, although i think he was half joking. i'm doing my appeal now, if it doens't go through (it won't) i think i might press for #2. thoughts?

in the meatime, my mom is here to do the big meeting of the parents. we're looking at a place tomorrow that i'm really excited about. i have a band that i want (but i'm sure we won't be able to afford) but i DO have a great photographer lined up already that i'm really excited about.

so all in a all, a good start.

3.15.2004

where to begin?

seems like a lifetime since i wrote on this.

lots has happened. went to new orleans. got sunburned. got drunk. ate too much. listened to lots of blues. oh, and got engaged.

that's right. i got myself a big 'ol diamond on my left hand. fancy, custom done, like nohting i've seen before. AND he's had it for 3 months. it's still not real to me, i swear.

more later.

3.04.2004

at this time tomorrow...

i hope to be sitting somewhere on bourbon street, drunk.

it's been a hard coupla of weeks and i'm looking forward to it, for sure.

3.03.2004

there's got to be something really wrong here

so i was finally ok enought to call my casewroker today. too upset yesterday.

GET THIS. they told her that i was approved! THEN turn around and tell her no. how is that possible?? we're waiting for the official letter now to get ready for appeal.

i will win. oh yes, i WILL win.

3.02.2004

tough day

as much as i anticipated this answer, it's had me on the verge of tears all day. i know going home right now isn't going to make me feel better. alex cancelled his plans for tonight cuz he "didn't feel well." bullshit. i know he wants to be home with me because he knows how upset i am. and that's fine and all, but i didn't want him to cancel his plans to babysit me. i'll be fine. i always am, somehow. he even emailed keith to "make sure someone is watching out for her since i can't." i dind't know whether to be awwwed by that or angry. if i hadn't told keith what was going on i would have been livid, because keith, of course, asked lot sof questions. and i would have felt obligated to tell him. at least he already knew, i guess. people are asking me if i can appeal. i don't know. maybe. i'm not sure i have the energy to though. maybe i'll feel differently in a day or two or twenty.

now what

now that i got the call i was expecting all along... a big fat no... what do i do now? i don't think i could handle this process again. i'm already back to thinking about what to do about alex. i feel pretty destroyed. and i know it's because i found out about 15 minutes ago. i can't help thinking that being with me is not fair to him. if this thought persists, i'll have to share it with him, obviously. i guess i just need time to think this all through. not now though. right now i need to focus on work and focus on not bursting into tears sitting at my desk.

3.01.2004

aw

saw this quote from here today.

"people come into your life destined to leave it. you can wrap your arms tight around them, the best that you can hope to do is just slow them down a little. because there's no holding on tight enough."

shared with boy.

me: isn't that sad?
boy: yes
boy: <-- holds on to you tight.

aww.

that was after trying to reach me on im when i was in a mtg. i get back.

me: what did you want to tell me?
boy: it wasn't important I just wanted to hear your voice in my head

it's been a very aww morning.

four days

and we're leaving for new orleans. i suddenly feel so overwhelmed. so much to do to get ready. so much!!!!