2.27.2004

no five today?

the i just picked an old one randomly from a past year. so there.

Jan 31, 2003

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?
the greatest american hero... beleive it or not iiiiiiiiiiiii'm walkin on air! never thought i could feel so fre-e-eeeeeeee!

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?
snoopy sno-cone maker. but my wonderful boyfriend got me one for christmas this past year!

3. What's the furthest from home you've been?
i guess london or bath.

4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet?
how to make jewelry. hopefully that will change this spring.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
having a fdwq get together tonight. going to lowe's for a flooring demo tomorrow. then going out here tomorrow. not sure about sunday. probably the usual house stuff and groceries. although it IS supposed to be 55 this wknd!!!

2.26.2004

ha!

i always thought other people's site referrals were funny to see. and i just saw my first one! the search was for GHETTOASS!!!! what a fantastic first referral! that's so exciting.

drastic measures

ok, ok, so jon thought my post about breaking up with alex was a bit much. yeah, ok. i get that. and it is. and i know i won't. but i'm just so wound up about finding out what's going to happen. i know he doesn't care one way or the other. he's really fantabulous about it. really. it's more about what it is doing/will do to me and my psyche.

more and more i think about how i don't fully appreciate how good i have it right now. ESPECIALLY in contrast to the 6 years of hell i went though. and i can admit that now, it was hell. pure hell. i can't believe i survived it, truly.

melissa asked me where she was the other day. nochalantly. like she used to when she thought i was lying to her (which i always was)... that kind of threw me. like, do you really think she's still around?? and i guess she did. and after me lying to her for so long i guess i shouldn't be surprised.

truthfully, i do wonder a little bit about where she is. if she's got her shit together or if she's still smoking crack. i have to assume she is, that she's found someone else to take advantage of (and for my own sanity). i mean, after 34 years things aren't gonna change overnight.

so as i was saying... i've got it good. and i need to remember that. and realize that i've found someone who treats me as i should be treated... like someone he loves. not someone to manipulate and twist and play and use and hurt over and over and over again...

2.25.2004

still hope, only a glimmer

so, my file is in review with the medical board. there's still hope. i guess. still makes me want to puke.

one of the sheep

a music meme

1. open your mp3 player.
2. put all of your music on random.
3. list the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing

1. drive - melissa ferrick
2. friday - daniel beddingfield
3. sister christian - knight ranger
4. desire - u2
5. rosa parks - outkast
6. i do - 3lw f. loon
7. what up gangsta - 50 cent
8. i think i'm in love with you - jessica simpson
9. oh my god - pink f. peaches
10. solitary man - neil diamond

and because everyone else did it twice:

1. sunday morning - maroon5
2. both hands - ani difranco
3. baby got back - sir mix-a-lot
4. i think it's better - jill scott
5. tonight, not again - jason mraz
6. i wanna be with you - mandy moore
7. crazy - testosterone kills
8. volcano - damien rice
9. caught in the rain - revis
10. woodburning - toad the wet sprocket

2.24.2004

trying not to think about it

i'm really trying not to think about the fact that i'm still waiting. i've completely resigned myself to the fact that it's not happening. and i'm trying to leave it at that.

instead, i'm trying to focus on the impending trip. oh yes, we leave in 10 days for new orleans! i'm excited as i've never been there. i do wish jon was coming but i'm so psyched for him that he's going to london. i'm still trying to finalize my tattoo design, although i'm not sure i'm ready for this one just yet. better get on it though.

in other news, and this is really shameful to admit, i'm trying to get my site up like jon and kia have done. i've got the domain, but that's about it! i can't figure out what to do now. i want to do it in movable type like they did but i don't have the time to commit to figure it out. but now that i have the domain and the host, it seems silly not to do it. plus i should be able to figure it out. alex could help me, but i really don't want him to know where this is. how awful is that? i don't want him to see what i write about him. i suppose the makes me a bad girlfriend. eh, oh well.

eventually i'll get it together. i hope.

so much pressure!

jon is the one that made me start this, and the only one that knew about it. and now he tells me that people are linking to me!!! oh christ. i can't take that kind of pressure.

2.23.2004

monday again

time flies. seriously. i can't believe that another weekend is over. i can't beleive today marks 9 months ago that i first actually met alex. crazy. how much he's become my world. we were grocery shopping last night and realized we both love ginger snaps. guess it's meant to be.

in other news... there still isn't any news. alex was after me "did you call polly? call polly! why haven't you called polly?" or some variation there of. but what is she gonna do? if she knew ANYTHING she'd call me. so i called her. to stop the pestering mainly. saying things like "i know you don't know anything, but alex was pestering me..." she says she's goin to try to find out something this afternoon. we'll see.

ironically we emptied the big stuff out of the summer home. ugh.

2.20.2004

waiting

i'm tried of waiting. i'm done with it. this last week had felt like an eternity. and each day that goes by, each hour that i don't get a phone call resigns me more and more to the fact that it's going to be a "no." why? i don't know. no reason. i think that they must be mailing me the rejection. otherwise i'd get a call. rejections always come in the mail. and i know this whole stress about all this is what's making me tried/sick/listless/miserable. so if it is a "no" then what? i was thinking about that a lot last night. and to his banefit, alex has been great. saying things like "if it's a 'no' you know there are other options right? it will be ok, you know that right??" i nod, but i don't really feel it. i don't think i could take a "no" again. i really don't think so. and then the more i think about it, there really aren't alternatives. not for me. not really. which is why i want it in the first place. and then i think about what it will do to my relationship if it's a "no." and more and more i think that if it is, i might end my relationship. sound rash? maybe, but think about it... my self-esteem is on the low side. and i know that it already bothers him. there are tons of things that i can't do. and i REFUSE to have children in this state. well, why should he be building a life with someone like that? it's not fair to him. and do i think a "yes" will magically change all of that? no, it will be a hard road for a bit, but i know it will change me. completely. but i guess it will either way.

i'm just tired of waiting.

friday five... actually on friday!

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
last thursday

2. ...went to the dentist?
last summer, when i punched the dentist.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
right this very morning in fact, making me late for work

4. ...got enough sleep?
ah, tricky, tricky.... probably like amonth ago when i came home from work on friday, got on the couch and woke up at like 4am. then went back to sleep until like noon. i think i was tried.


5. ...backed up your computer?
my work one gets backed up everyday. my laptop? never.

2.17.2004

i heart you

ha ha... i've never done that. i think it's cute when i see it, but it's not really me. but i thought it was fitting giving that i was going to talk about valentine's day.

so i got these japanese calligraphic prints for alex, but they came like a month early. and i have a real problem waiting when it comes to stuff like that so i ended up convincing him to open it. but then that means that i needed to get him something else. which usually means something for me to wear... but then there's nothing to open. i went shopping, got a nightie that had some real significance to us, so that was great. friday afternoon i decided i wanted to get him a pair of boxers. you know ones with lips or hearts on them. something cheesy but cute. so i run over to marshall fields at lunchtime and i find them. black, silky, with red shiny hearts all over them. perfect.

on the way home stop a tthe new hallmark to get a gift bag or something to put the boxers and the candy in. i'm sitting in the car wrapping the boxers in tissue paper and i notice they have velcro on them. i think, ok, that's weird, why would they have a velcro closure? oh well, and stuff them in the bag.

cut to 6am saturday morning. the i-can-barely-kick-him-out-of-bed-at-7-on-weekdays boy is wide awake and ready to go. ugh. we exchange gifts. he takes out the boxers, we laugh, he puts them on. then it's the "why is there velcro on the....WOOSH" in one swift move, they're off. I BOUGHT HIM TEAR-OFF BOXERS!!! at marshall fields no less!!! so funny!!!!

so anyhow, we had a nice day. ddr-ed in the morning. he had reservations at this restaurant for lunch that i had wanted to go to, so we did that. and then saw 50 first dates. which wasn't awful. then we went at look at couches, stopped at borders for treats and that was that.

until i got to try out the removability of the new boxers myself later. ;)

2.10.2004

it's a revolution!!!

we got our ddr ON last night! about 7:30 our pads and game arrived and alex played a little while i made dinner. we must have done it for like 3 hours at least. so fun! can't believe it! and how quickly we started becoming good at it. i can't believe we own it. fun AND exercise! how can you lose? can't wait to go head to head with him that will be a SOFA KING good time.

in other news, i want this. in motor green, of course. check out the theater!

2.09.2004

the year itch

i've had the year itch in regards to lots of things. jobs, cars, people (to some degree)... i've not been at a job more than a year. well, except cdg, but that wasn't by much. and i LOVE that i'm still on their site. that just rocks.

and i'm getting it again. but i think that has a lot ot do with the general unsettling that had descended on our office. well, at least with most of us. the fdwq bunch, as keith so eloquently puts it. it would be great of something happens. but i'm not sure it will. or at least not the way it should.

ok, i'm going ot admit something here that is probably pretty obvious but i had not been willing to admit. ready? i'm not sure i was ready to jump into a new relationship. wow, that's a shocker huh? although my last relationship was over a long time before i admitted it was (years), i think i needed time to myself. on my own. as much as i didn't want it. i didn't look for alex, he kind of fell in my lap. and he's fantastic, don't get me wrong. i love him completely. but am i being 100% back to him? i don't know. i can't honestly answer that. and that bothers me.

i know alot of my bad tendencies and bahaviors are still there. i have not fully repaired myself. last night is a perfect case in point. that's what's got me thinking...

2.06.2004

friday five

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
up and moved to michigan (again)

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
gosh, i'll have to come back to that one. i'd say surgery, but that's only because of my mom, everyone else is into it.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
3.5?

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
meeting alex

5. ... and what's the worst?
a certain 6 year period of my life, esp how it ended

2.02.2004

the friday five

way way late, i know.

"You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?
alex

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
a debt free existance

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
a house

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
family and friends for sure

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
definitely. i don't know though, i'd have to consult my accountant