drastic measures

ok, ok, so jon thought my post about breaking up with alex was a bit much. yeah, ok. i get that. and it is. and i know i won't. but i'm just so wound up about finding out what's going to happen. i know he doesn't care one way or the other. he's really fantabulous about it. really. it's more about what it is doing/will do to me and my psyche.

more and more i think about how i don't fully appreciate how good i have it right now. ESPECIALLY in contrast to the 6 years of hell i went though. and i can admit that now, it was hell. pure hell. i can't believe i survived it, truly.

melissa asked me where she was the other day. nochalantly. like she used to when she thought i was lying to her (which i always was)... that kind of threw me. like, do you really think she's still around?? and i guess she did. and after me lying to her for so long i guess i shouldn't be surprised.

truthfully, i do wonder a little bit about where she is. if she's got her shit together or if she's still smoking crack. i have to assume she is, that she's found someone else to take advantage of (and for my own sanity). i mean, after 34 years things aren't gonna change overnight.

so as i was saying... i've got it good. and i need to remember that. and realize that i've found someone who treats me as i should be treated... like someone he loves. not someone to manipulate and twist and play and use and hurt over and over and over again...