woah...

i haven't posted much lately. i've been feeling pretty sick and lethargic. and i didn't really want to say how i'd been feeling - that i don't love pregnancy. i feel AWFUL saying that. i mean nothing too awful has happened (well, save for losing one of the babies and all) but i just feel sick. and tired. and achy. and like a lump lately.

fun, huh? well now you know why i haven't been sharing!

but THEN.... oh then....

we went for our monthly OB appt. i'm 13w1d today. i guess it was listen-to-heartbeat day but she was unable to find it. so i got to have (another) ultrasound. oh. my. god. i KNEW that monkey was fully formed by now, basically. but that did not prepare us for the site of a tiny little baby. with a clear spine! and little hands flailing around. it was totally unreal. like we're at a whole new level of reality now. i guess up until now it's been really surreal still, but there was NO denying that ultrasound today. holy crap.

we're both a little shell shocked right now i think!

i don't like to travel

all that much. on my own that is.

i am in the east coast now, having gone into the office for my review. mmm, fun. i've never had a review so i'm pretty freaking nervous. also? um, work clothes. for six months i haven't had to go into an office. luckily, my work clothes from last fall, which had all been way too big now fit since i'm expanding again. can i just take a moment to say i don't really like this phase. you know, where i just look like i have mega muffin top or something. well that's not exactly right but i feel bloated and big and like nothing fits. ah well, i digress.

anyway, so i had to leave at 3 for the airport yesterday. i have JUST gotten over my cold from hell so i wasn't looking forward to flying. on a full plane at that. the flight was actually ok. i got to pick up my car (why do they keep giving me wagons?) and head to the hotel. i was supposed to see my best friend last night, but turns out she had to work really late. which i was sad about, but that was understandable.

i got to the hotel and checked in to see my room with 2 beds (what's the fun of staying in a hotel if you don't' get the big ol' bed all to yourself?) that didn't smell... quite... right...

i actually unpacked all my clothes and put everything away (which i never do) and settled in about 9:30 for some law and order. not to shabby. only... my tv kept shutting itself off. when i'd turn it back on only one line would show up down the center. i played with it for awhile to no avail and finally resorted to calling the front desk. only they were full, so sad but there wasn't anything they could do for me that night. sigh. but i could switch rooms in the morning. which meant packing up everything. figures. also? the tv would turn back on by itself and be perfectly fine then shut off again. and again. and again.

also when i called the front desk they thought i was only staying one night. um, no, three, actually. when i checked in they knew that and i also signed up for a wake up call. i had set a back up as well.

this morning? good thing alex had a meeting and work up early and called me. he's the only one who did. and turns out the "back-up" alarm didn't go off either. guess i screwed that up as well!

so i go downstairs to talk about the room switch. only they had no record of my calling. and they'd "look into it" and there was no reason to truck everything that i had already repacked, out of my room.

i'm not looking forward to going back there tonight. it will be better, right? right?

cuz that last post sucked

let's talk about something happy!

when we went to the pumkin patch weeks and weeks ago, we picked out our pumpkins. as we were walking back to the little tractor ride thingy i stumbled across a little pumkpin that was so cute, and also green. and we know how i love green. alex asked if i wanted the pumpkin and i said no, as i already had mine. then he leaned over and whispered (since it was still a secret)... "you know, monkey needs a pumpkin too..."

yes he does indeed!

towel officially thrown in

so it's common knowledge that my mom and i have issues. we've never had that close relationship i've often wised we've had. high school was a nightmare of screaming most of the time. college came and she actually had a party when i moved on campus 3 hours away.

after that things got better, distance helped. then things got rocky again with the 5 year horrible relationship i had. but even then she was there for me when i needed her, i was very lucky. when i finally decided i needed to escape and leave the state of ct, i quit my job and moved back home with them for 6 mos. i worked several menial jobs to try to keep myself busy and also keep paying my bills while i figured it all out. living in close quarters again was trying. especially since i had been through some really unspeakable things that she preferred to never know about. ok, fine, no big deal. i wasn't in the shape to talk anyway. and also? we never had that relationship with each other.

then i got a job offer from my old employer in ann arbor (ironically i had originally come out to michigan the first time for the disaster of a relationship, but no need to go into that now). i had some mixed feelings about coming back out here since some pretty awful things had happened out here too. but i needed the escape, the distance, the chance to start over.

so i came. alone. all i could pack into my car and lived in a hotel for a few months with basically nothing. my mother, the real estate investor, bought a small condo for me to live in (another story for another time) and soon after i moved in i met alex, purely by chance.

i had no way to know that he was going to end up being my husband. at that time i could scarcely fathom it.

but that's the way we headed and my mom loved him, of course. who doesn't?

as the wedding approached we seemed to be getting along quite well, my mom and i. my dad always just kind of goes with the flow. my mom definitely runs the show.

after the wedding she told me she had had a bad time, for reasons that aren't even worth getting into. it hurt me, a lot. comments she made to my friends and others found their way back to me and i was pretty devastated. more that she would act the way she did.

christmas last year was rough. too much to go into but we went to meet them in vegas at their request and it was a complete disaster. my parents haven't spoken to me since. (i know i'm not going into detail but i did nothing wrong here and i STILL have no idea why she was so angry).

a few months after she left me a voicemail asking why i was mad at her. i took the opportunity to write out all my feelings regarding the wedding, vegas and everything since. i was very careful not to place blame, acknowledge any part in i had and ask that we talk things out that i was tired of this sort of pattern in our relationship. no, this wasn't the first time she had gone long stretched without speaking to me.

i never got a response to that letter. which was pretty sad. but i was okay leaving things the way they were.

enter monkey. i had to figure out how i wanted to share the news with my parents. we decided to buy them gifts and mail them out to them. as we were at the ups store alex said to me "you know she's going to call you and you have to just pretend like nothing had happened" and i knew he was right. and i was ok with that.

he package was scheduled to arrive on a friday. in the meantime she had emailed alex about some other items (oh yeah, she still emails him, calls him on his birthday... while i didn't even rate an email or ecard. yes, i sent them birthday cards, mother's/father's day things, etc...) and in his response he mentioned to her that we had set them gifts and that they should open them together. her response was very negative about me how "no way i could have sent her a gift."

ok, fine.

so friday came. and saturday. and sunday. nothing. no call, email, nada. my little brother, who lives with them didn't know the news. we shared it with his sunday. he was excited and intrigued that they had not said anything to him about the package. finally he asked them what was in the package that had arrived on friday. my mother's response? "i put it in the closet. i have no intention of even opening anything from 'her.'"

seriously.

now my problem with this wasn't the absurdity. i mean, that's her choice. my problem was that they still didn't KNOW. and if they knew and close to ignore it that was one thing. you know?

so i debated what to do. i really didn't want to call her, i'll be honest. but i opted to call my dad at work. i got his voicemail and left him a message asking him to call me. generally my dad keeps neutral in whatever is going on and i can usually talk to him. he never called me back.

that was new, and it hurt.

finally after we got the second ultrasound picture, i emailed it both of them with a subject line of "your grandchild" in case they didn't read it, and a short note. signed it from both of us and waited. that was 3 days ago.

today, alex (why not me?) gets an email from my mother that says "gordon and i are happy for you."

that was it. we both think that is the last we'll hear from them.

all i wanted was for them to know and make their choice. and they've made it.

i'm done trying.