so saturday i had to go my mri. i was already in a pissy mood, due to, in no small way the actual mri. i've got a claustrophobia issue and the first time i got one i really flipped out. they had covered my eyes up. they told me "most people like it this way" and having not had one before, i believe them. it was horrible. i was *thisclose* to making them take me out. whn finally the table started moving out i was so relieved until they jsut injected stuff in my arm and put me back in! horrible.
at any rate, the last set was much better. i'm sure since i knew what to expect and since my eyes were open (if i so chose) and there was a nifty little mirror in there that allowed me to see out. all was great. until they tried to do the injection and blew the vein in a BIG way. and it hurt like hell i thought i was going to die. ok, maybe i'm exaggerating, but whatever. it hurt, ok?
so needless to say, not looking forward to it all again in saturday, especially since it was nly like 3 months since the last series. so i get there, give them the paperwork. of course they can't find me old last name/new last name debacle. they find me. then tell me "oh we only scheduled you for one you'll have to come back for the other one. perfect. let's do this TWICE. kickass. i didn't argue, what could i do at that point, right? so i go in and freeze my ass off. hell people! it's freezing in there! some heat would be nice. whatev. so we do the whole first set, no injections, takes an hour. fine. as i'm leaving they tell me we can do the other one tomorrow. we have an opening so you don' have to reschedule. ok, that sounds nice, i'll do that. at 7AM!!! eh, fine.
so i get up way too early for a sunday get ready and leave and realize on the way to the hospital that since i can't drink anything before the test, and this is the one with the injection, this is not going to be pretty. my veins suck and the only way that they are ok is if i load up on the water. oh well.
at least i've dressed better for this one. many layers and i make them give me a blanket too. and of course the injection took 3 tries but at least they did not blow the vein. course i left while alex was still asleep and apparently i forgot to tell him (or more likely he forget/didn't listen) so i turn my phone on on the way to starbucks to get a much deserved latte most mri and he's like "where the hell are you!?!!?" it was like 10am by then. thanks dear.
so, we wait. and i rescheduled my appointment with the neuro-opthamologist that was supposed to be tomorrow. it was a followup from 3 months ago but then i figured i'd have to fill him in in the diagnosis, the new dr who will not confirm the diagnosis, the new symptoms, the PRK and not have the new mri films. figured it would be better to wait. damn a lot happened in 3 months.
10.24.2005
10.21.2005
saw this on another blog. cracks me up.
Google for "[insert name here] needs" and post the top ten results.
Christina needs to hear from you right away so she can plan effectively.
Christina needs to advance from good to great.
Christina needs to own her whiteness and stop trying to be a rapper 2.
Christina needs someone who can handle her behaviors in a patient, consistent and loving way and who can demonstrate an appropriate role model.
Christina needs to wear clothes ON TOP of her underwear.
Christina needs to consume 1725 calories per day to maintain her current weight, and 2225 to gain one pound per week.
Christina needs our votes!
And yes, Christina needs here own podcast if she will.
Christina needs to get her angels back.
Christina needs to come down to earth and not expect so much.
Google for "[insert name here] needs" and post the top ten results.
Christina needs to hear from you right away so she can plan effectively.
Christina needs to advance from good to great.
Christina needs to own her whiteness and stop trying to be a rapper 2.
Christina needs someone who can handle her behaviors in a patient, consistent and loving way and who can demonstrate an appropriate role model.
Christina needs to wear clothes ON TOP of her underwear.
Christina needs to consume 1725 calories per day to maintain her current weight, and 2225 to gain one pound per week.
Christina needs our votes!
And yes, Christina needs here own podcast if she will.
Christina needs to get her angels back.
Christina needs to come down to earth and not expect so much.
10.18.2005
someday i'll get to it
you know, to the rest of the wedding story and the honeymoon. someday. soon. i'm trying to decide which wedding pictures to order they are just so amazing. everyone tells us we look like magazine ads in them. and they're right. it's so weird. we do look amazing. weird to say that. weirder to keep saying "my husband."
anyway, we did go see the new neurologist again. yeah, remember all that crappy stuff that was going on that i neatly tucked away as i was busy getting married? yeah that. time to deal with that again.
the good news is that my leg issue disappeared. i don't know when. but i realized sometime at club med that it was no longer tingling. probably on the trampoline. man we had fun. anyway... i also noticed at club med during morning stretch class that i now have an issue with my right arm. only the right. whenever we're exercising (usually yoga) ad my right arm is above my head when i lower it i get shooting numbness from my shoulder to my fingers. not too fun.
so anyway we go see him (man i love that doctor) and tell him what's been going on. he checks me out again and says my reflexes are better than he expected them to be. he also told me all the extra testing he did (to make sure my body could handle the drugs) all came back clean and normal. all the consults he had in regard to my surgery all said if my tests were clean i was fine for the drugs.
all well and good right? well except he's not convinced i even have ms. or that i need to start the drugs. SUCH a change from the old neurologist. keep in mind though that she did not do the correct mri series on me. so this saturday i go and get the correct series done. if it shows any lesions anywhere, i have ms and we start therapy. if there are still no lesions, then we do nothing. until i have what appears to be an attack, or in 6 months when we need to repeat the cycle.
here's to a clean mri series!
anyway, we did go see the new neurologist again. yeah, remember all that crappy stuff that was going on that i neatly tucked away as i was busy getting married? yeah that. time to deal with that again.
the good news is that my leg issue disappeared. i don't know when. but i realized sometime at club med that it was no longer tingling. probably on the trampoline. man we had fun. anyway... i also noticed at club med during morning stretch class that i now have an issue with my right arm. only the right. whenever we're exercising (usually yoga) ad my right arm is above my head when i lower it i get shooting numbness from my shoulder to my fingers. not too fun.
so anyway we go see him (man i love that doctor) and tell him what's been going on. he checks me out again and says my reflexes are better than he expected them to be. he also told me all the extra testing he did (to make sure my body could handle the drugs) all came back clean and normal. all the consults he had in regard to my surgery all said if my tests were clean i was fine for the drugs.
all well and good right? well except he's not convinced i even have ms. or that i need to start the drugs. SUCH a change from the old neurologist. keep in mind though that she did not do the correct mri series on me. so this saturday i go and get the correct series done. if it shows any lesions anywhere, i have ms and we start therapy. if there are still no lesions, then we do nothing. until i have what appears to be an attack, or in 6 months when we need to repeat the cycle.
here's to a clean mri series!
10.05.2005
where did september go?
i have had no time to write and i'm afraid by the time i do that i will have forgotten everything. ha! no way. i can't believe it's october already. where did september go? my god it was all a blur.
so here is a recount of the last few weeks, in abbreviated form.
thursday, september 8
first day off. i start the day with my b12 injection. fun. we then go downtown to have breakfast and do some errands. i get my pedicure done (to save time tomorrow) i leave alex at the mall with his dad to pick up tuxes and have lunch and i run to the seamstress to pick up my dress. my dress is gorgeous. and as i look at it i think "who the hell is getting in this tiny thing?" talk with the seamstress a bit, she's so awesome and was so good to me. leave there, race to the house to hide my dress away and go back to meet alex. do some more last minute errands then it's time to go to the airport! trish and melissa were going to be arriving! as we're getting off the exit, ym mom calls. they are stuck in traffic at the windsor border. we assure her it will get better and then hang up. alex drops me off ot go in and meet them and he stays with the car to avoid having to park. perfect timing, trish's plane had arrived and melissa's was landing. i wait... and wait... i forget how big the terminal really is as i wait on the other side of the glass doors. finally i see trisha. and she come through the doors... and walks right by me. nice. i call out to her and she's like OMG i didn't recognize you AGAIN. now, it's only been 2 months since i've seen her but i guess another 20 pounds down and now no glasses as well can really throw someone. i am so excited to see her! she grabs her luggage and we wait for melissa. she arrivs a few mintes later, more hugs and happiness then out to the car.
we race off to the seamstress (again) as we're dropping off the skirts for her to press. so nice of her!! then it's off to the hotel for check-in. by this time mom has called again, they're still in traffic and she hopes we have dinner plans. we tell her we'll make reservations for 8 at one of their favorite places that is very "ann arbor" and tell the girls the same. they drop off their stuff and mom and crew arrive at the hotel. aunt bernie walks right by me in the lobby as i go to greet her. ok, i haven't seen her since christmas, so.... we figure out who's riding with who and we're off. dinner was fun.
alex and i go home to spend out last alone night there.
friday, september 9
friday morning i meet mom at the sheraton ad we head off to the salon again. i get my manicure started and my mom gets her feet done. meanwhile alex picks up trish and melissa and drops them off with us mid-morning. then he's off to run around like mad and get everything together and over to the sheraton for set-up. the girls and i have a nice time and the salon is really fun ad it's relaxing ot just hang out with them. my mom and i walk downtown to pick up some food for everyone as we're getting hungry. alex calls to say he's headed t pick up marie at the airport. he does and drops her off with us so she can get her nails done too and i bring melissa and trish back to the hotel as we now don't have room for everyone in my car!
when we finish we go back to meet up with everyone for the rehearsal. jon and jackye have now arrived. we all drive over to the garden ad get stuck in some MAJOR traffic. ah well. we all make it there and alex arrives with his boys who have driven up from ohio. the garden lady tells us what we need to do and i take over all the processional stuff. i admit i knew exactly how i wanted it and had it all worked out. you see, the garden we chose does not have a central aisle, but rather side ones and we are ALL walking in to the same song so it was going to be interesting to see how it panned out. much to my delight it all worked PERFECTLY. amazing!
we run through everything then off to change for dinner (since we did not have time before the rehearsal).
dinner was really fun. unfortunately, my sister and crew did not make it in time. we did do a presentation to alex's parents since september 9th is their 30th wedding anniversary. they were very touched. by the time dinner wound down, my sister had arrived at the hotel so alex and his boys take off and me and my girls and boys head over to the sheraton. i know where sharon's room is so i head up to greet her and my brother, who i have not seen since christmas falls over when he sees me, especially dressed up in my pretty rehearsal dinner dress. they haven't eaten so we decide we'll all go down to the restaurant and bar downstairs, and i tell them i wan tot change and i'll be back. i walk down the hall and see tom (my sister's practically ex-husband that came along) who i haven't seen in a long time, maybe more than a year. i'm not thinking so i smile and wave and say "hey tom!" and he is all confused and it takes him an amusingly long time to figure out who i am. man, that doesn't get old, i swear. :)
so we all go down to the bar/restaurant and have a GREAT time. omg it's so much fun. finally we decide to call it quits and i head up to spend the night with melissa. it was nice, kinda college-days again. good to spend time with all by friends again.
whew. that was a long one. i'll save the wedding day for next time.
so here is a recount of the last few weeks, in abbreviated form.
thursday, september 8
first day off. i start the day with my b12 injection. fun. we then go downtown to have breakfast and do some errands. i get my pedicure done (to save time tomorrow) i leave alex at the mall with his dad to pick up tuxes and have lunch and i run to the seamstress to pick up my dress. my dress is gorgeous. and as i look at it i think "who the hell is getting in this tiny thing?" talk with the seamstress a bit, she's so awesome and was so good to me. leave there, race to the house to hide my dress away and go back to meet alex. do some more last minute errands then it's time to go to the airport! trish and melissa were going to be arriving! as we're getting off the exit, ym mom calls. they are stuck in traffic at the windsor border. we assure her it will get better and then hang up. alex drops me off ot go in and meet them and he stays with the car to avoid having to park. perfect timing, trish's plane had arrived and melissa's was landing. i wait... and wait... i forget how big the terminal really is as i wait on the other side of the glass doors. finally i see trisha. and she come through the doors... and walks right by me. nice. i call out to her and she's like OMG i didn't recognize you AGAIN. now, it's only been 2 months since i've seen her but i guess another 20 pounds down and now no glasses as well can really throw someone. i am so excited to see her! she grabs her luggage and we wait for melissa. she arrivs a few mintes later, more hugs and happiness then out to the car.
we race off to the seamstress (again) as we're dropping off the skirts for her to press. so nice of her!! then it's off to the hotel for check-in. by this time mom has called again, they're still in traffic and she hopes we have dinner plans. we tell her we'll make reservations for 8 at one of their favorite places that is very "ann arbor" and tell the girls the same. they drop off their stuff and mom and crew arrive at the hotel. aunt bernie walks right by me in the lobby as i go to greet her. ok, i haven't seen her since christmas, so.... we figure out who's riding with who and we're off. dinner was fun.
alex and i go home to spend out last alone night there.
friday, september 9
friday morning i meet mom at the sheraton ad we head off to the salon again. i get my manicure started and my mom gets her feet done. meanwhile alex picks up trish and melissa and drops them off with us mid-morning. then he's off to run around like mad and get everything together and over to the sheraton for set-up. the girls and i have a nice time and the salon is really fun ad it's relaxing ot just hang out with them. my mom and i walk downtown to pick up some food for everyone as we're getting hungry. alex calls to say he's headed t pick up marie at the airport. he does and drops her off with us so she can get her nails done too and i bring melissa and trish back to the hotel as we now don't have room for everyone in my car!
when we finish we go back to meet up with everyone for the rehearsal. jon and jackye have now arrived. we all drive over to the garden ad get stuck in some MAJOR traffic. ah well. we all make it there and alex arrives with his boys who have driven up from ohio. the garden lady tells us what we need to do and i take over all the processional stuff. i admit i knew exactly how i wanted it and had it all worked out. you see, the garden we chose does not have a central aisle, but rather side ones and we are ALL walking in to the same song so it was going to be interesting to see how it panned out. much to my delight it all worked PERFECTLY. amazing!
we run through everything then off to change for dinner (since we did not have time before the rehearsal).
dinner was really fun. unfortunately, my sister and crew did not make it in time. we did do a presentation to alex's parents since september 9th is their 30th wedding anniversary. they were very touched. by the time dinner wound down, my sister had arrived at the hotel so alex and his boys take off and me and my girls and boys head over to the sheraton. i know where sharon's room is so i head up to greet her and my brother, who i have not seen since christmas falls over when he sees me, especially dressed up in my pretty rehearsal dinner dress. they haven't eaten so we decide we'll all go down to the restaurant and bar downstairs, and i tell them i wan tot change and i'll be back. i walk down the hall and see tom (my sister's practically ex-husband that came along) who i haven't seen in a long time, maybe more than a year. i'm not thinking so i smile and wave and say "hey tom!" and he is all confused and it takes him an amusingly long time to figure out who i am. man, that doesn't get old, i swear. :)
so we all go down to the bar/restaurant and have a GREAT time. omg it's so much fun. finally we decide to call it quits and i head up to spend the night with melissa. it was nice, kinda college-days again. good to spend time with all by friends again.
whew. that was a long one. i'll save the wedding day for next time.
9.22.2005
9.01.2005
ten day forecast
it's in ten days people. ten days and i'll be a married woman. i hardly believe it.
i'm excited, it's going to be a great party. i'm excited too to have my friends here. none of the have been to michigan. i'm sad too, as it will be the last time i see them for awhile. that saddens me beyond words. *sigh*
back to the weather. so far it's calling for a 78° sunny day in ann arbor. zero percent chance of rain. let's hope it holds. that's divine weather.
i can't believe i'm gonna have a new name. weird. it sounds so weird to me, but i know it's because i'm not used to it. i need to practice my new signature! man i'm gonna screw that up a few times i'm sure.
in other news, i put on a pair of size 8 pants yesterday. EIGHT. and the skirt i tried on that was an 8 is, well, too big.
my life, man has it changed.
i'm excited, it's going to be a great party. i'm excited too to have my friends here. none of the have been to michigan. i'm sad too, as it will be the last time i see them for awhile. that saddens me beyond words. *sigh*
back to the weather. so far it's calling for a 78° sunny day in ann arbor. zero percent chance of rain. let's hope it holds. that's divine weather.
i can't believe i'm gonna have a new name. weird. it sounds so weird to me, but i know it's because i'm not used to it. i need to practice my new signature! man i'm gonna screw that up a few times i'm sure.
in other news, i put on a pair of size 8 pants yesterday. EIGHT. and the skirt i tried on that was an 8 is, well, too big.
my life, man has it changed.
8.25.2005
sixteen days
in sixteen days i will have a husband. the best husband anyone could ever hope for. i seriously wonder every so often how i got so lucky. he tells me all the time that "i deserve it" but who says? some days i'm so afraid it's all a dream. really. isn't that so odd?
so tonight is my "last" fitting. it's crazy. exciting. overwhelming.
i know i'm going to cry. a lot.
then once all this hoopla is over and we have a glorious, much-needed vacation, all the other stuff i've been ignoring comes back. there are a slew of docotr appointments coming my way in october.
the weather has been divine. i hope it holds.
so tonight is my "last" fitting. it's crazy. exciting. overwhelming.
i know i'm going to cry. a lot.
then once all this hoopla is over and we have a glorious, much-needed vacation, all the other stuff i've been ignoring comes back. there are a slew of docotr appointments coming my way in october.
the weather has been divine. i hope it holds.
8.16.2005
oh the drama.
everyone told me there would me wedding drama. i refused to believe it. not for me! whatEV!
really, not much though. we've gotten most of our rsvp cards back. i'll assume the ones we have not are not coming but seriously, ow hard is it to send the freakin card back. or just come tell me, email, something. especially when you work with me. in the same office of 15 people. seriously.
ihad a little drama with my girls and someone hot getting their top on time. then the top was discontinued (like everything else i've wanted for this wedding, i swear) then another one located a top. the one who did not order it was mad as she does not like this girl. bah. it should be all set now. should be. we've only got 3 1/2 weeks left.
THREE AND A HALF WEEKS did you hear that? i still have so much to do. figures that i'd want to make all kinds of stuff myself. can't ever do things the "easy" way. noooooooo.
it's all good but when i see things on my calendar like "final pre-wedding haircut" that is THIS FRIDAY it starts to weird me out. we've been planning this for so long, i have no idea what we'll fill our time with after this. once we figure to my health issues i assume we're start talking kids. i have no reason to believe i will have any problems, but no one really thinks so and i have certainly read enough wonderful women's blogs to know that it is not always as planned. we'll see.
i do know that alex wants kids. and that he will be a GREAT dad. a WONDERFUL dad. when i first met his sister and two nieces when we were dating the second i saw him interact with those girls i knew i wanted to have his children. i'm not lying. last night we went to this little water park that is like a mile from our house. complete with big water slides, wave pool, river, etc (that was only $4 to get in!!!) so we went, he went to placate me and we went with our friend kelly and her little nephew who is 7. to see him and alex interact and play and be silly and have sch great fun just made me so happy. so happy. i hope i can give him the children he wants. i really do. when we last discussed it seriously and i asked him if i was not healthy enough or if i was not able to have children, would he want to adopt. he said no. that we just wouldn't have kids. and who knows what the future holds but it did let me know that he wants OUR kids. not surprising, but interesting.
really, not much though. we've gotten most of our rsvp cards back. i'll assume the ones we have not are not coming but seriously, ow hard is it to send the freakin card back. or just come tell me, email, something. especially when you work with me. in the same office of 15 people. seriously.
ihad a little drama with my girls and someone hot getting their top on time. then the top was discontinued (like everything else i've wanted for this wedding, i swear) then another one located a top. the one who did not order it was mad as she does not like this girl. bah. it should be all set now. should be. we've only got 3 1/2 weeks left.
THREE AND A HALF WEEKS did you hear that? i still have so much to do. figures that i'd want to make all kinds of stuff myself. can't ever do things the "easy" way. noooooooo.
it's all good but when i see things on my calendar like "final pre-wedding haircut" that is THIS FRIDAY it starts to weird me out. we've been planning this for so long, i have no idea what we'll fill our time with after this. once we figure to my health issues i assume we're start talking kids. i have no reason to believe i will have any problems, but no one really thinks so and i have certainly read enough wonderful women's blogs to know that it is not always as planned. we'll see.
i do know that alex wants kids. and that he will be a GREAT dad. a WONDERFUL dad. when i first met his sister and two nieces when we were dating the second i saw him interact with those girls i knew i wanted to have his children. i'm not lying. last night we went to this little water park that is like a mile from our house. complete with big water slides, wave pool, river, etc (that was only $4 to get in!!!) so we went, he went to placate me and we went with our friend kelly and her little nephew who is 7. to see him and alex interact and play and be silly and have sch great fun just made me so happy. so happy. i hope i can give him the children he wants. i really do. when we last discussed it seriously and i asked him if i was not healthy enough or if i was not able to have children, would he want to adopt. he said no. that we just wouldn't have kids. and who knows what the future holds but it did let me know that he wants OUR kids. not surprising, but interesting.
8.12.2005
a turn of events
we met with the new neurologist yesterday. things are looking up.
i loved him. he was great, bow tie and all. very old-fashioned. it was great.
and you know why i loved him? he's thorough. he said everything we were thinking. he did not discount the possible relationship between surgery and my symptoms. he brought up things that no one else has yet. yes, it means more tests, but i feel like he's actually interested in figuring this out, instead of pushing drugs on me, which, incidentally, could make me worse right now.
he's bringing my case to a board to discuss. as i'm complex. he could not verufy the diagnosis yet. and even if he does, at least i'll feel better about it and where i'll head from there.
that's all i wanted. a doctor who actually seems like he cares. is that too much to ask these days?
i loved him. he was great, bow tie and all. very old-fashioned. it was great.
and you know why i loved him? he's thorough. he said everything we were thinking. he did not discount the possible relationship between surgery and my symptoms. he brought up things that no one else has yet. yes, it means more tests, but i feel like he's actually interested in figuring this out, instead of pushing drugs on me, which, incidentally, could make me worse right now.
he's bringing my case to a board to discuss. as i'm complex. he could not verufy the diagnosis yet. and even if he does, at least i'll feel better about it and where i'll head from there.
that's all i wanted. a doctor who actually seems like he cares. is that too much to ask these days?
8.10.2005
no title to speak of
in wedding news:
had my first fitting friday. they have to "start" by taking in my dress 4 inches. that's to start. insanity. i LOVE LOVE LOVE my dress and my veil. this is the first time i had seen my veil since i had picked parts and pieces from several and had it custom made. and it was worth it, it's amazing.
today is the rsvp deadline. let's see how many people we still need to contact. i especially like my boss telling me "it's the notre dame game day" like we didn't know that. football at U of M is crazy. and the notre dame game is second only to michigan state. it's a big one. we know. nothing we can do about it. apparently he'd rather go to the game. and that's fine.
in other news:
i decided i did not like my neurologist. i didn't like the way she handled the diagnosis and if this is something who i'll potentially be seeing a lot, i want it to be someone i like or at least trust. not that i don't trust her, but, eh, it's a long story. tomorrow we see a new dr. supposedly one of the best ones in the country. i got lucky and he had a cancellation tomorrow. so we'll see what he has to say. it's also a second-opinion type appointment too. i think that will be important for my psyche. i know there's still a part of me that does not believe it.
had my first fitting friday. they have to "start" by taking in my dress 4 inches. that's to start. insanity. i LOVE LOVE LOVE my dress and my veil. this is the first time i had seen my veil since i had picked parts and pieces from several and had it custom made. and it was worth it, it's amazing.
today is the rsvp deadline. let's see how many people we still need to contact. i especially like my boss telling me "it's the notre dame game day" like we didn't know that. football at U of M is crazy. and the notre dame game is second only to michigan state. it's a big one. we know. nothing we can do about it. apparently he'd rather go to the game. and that's fine.
in other news:
i decided i did not like my neurologist. i didn't like the way she handled the diagnosis and if this is something who i'll potentially be seeing a lot, i want it to be someone i like or at least trust. not that i don't trust her, but, eh, it's a long story. tomorrow we see a new dr. supposedly one of the best ones in the country. i got lucky and he had a cancellation tomorrow. so we'll see what he has to say. it's also a second-opinion type appointment too. i think that will be important for my psyche. i know there's still a part of me that does not believe it.
8.04.2005
sniff sniff...
so my mom was supposed to come last night for the weekend. granted there are downsides to my mom being here for days, but this i was really looking forward to. i had bought us tickets to go see neil diamond tonight. (it was her mother's day present). then we found out that my first dress fitting (we pushed it back as far as possible) is friday morning and she was going to be here already! it was perfect.
well, my parents were in australia last week and came back saturday and my mom caught some horrible virus on the plane. nothing life-threatening or anything but enough that she's miserable and very contagious and can't fly.
so alex has to come to neil with me (i'm sure he's thrilled)... and i'm solo on the fitting....
i'm sad.
well, my parents were in australia last week and came back saturday and my mom caught some horrible virus on the plane. nothing life-threatening or anything but enough that she's miserable and very contagious and can't fly.
so alex has to come to neil with me (i'm sure he's thrilled)... and i'm solo on the fitting....
i'm sad.
7.29.2005
who is that girl?
life without glasses is weird. what's weirder is this picture. alex took it last weekend when we went to a tigers game. with his phone. pretty impressive if you ask me.
but what's weird is WHO AM I? i mean, seriously. i do NOT recognize myself anymore. at all. that's a weird feeling. fun, but weird.
so yoga is going well. thanks to jon's suggestions (you rock). some days are better than others. i know my limitations better now. and i don't attempt something i know i can't do. and i love it. really, i do. we're doing yoga in the park tomorrow, i'm very excited about that.
it should be a busy weekend full of yoga and errands and wedding prep. i swear i have no idea how we'll fill our time after the wedding. i can't believe how soon it is.
can i tell you how lucky i am? alex worked from home yesterday. he secretly went to pick up my completely redone engagement ring (for sizing purposes, i would NEVER have touched it, but it had to come down from a 9 to a 5, and with the detail, it had to be melted. i was sad, for sure, but i'm so excited that it fits now) and my wedding band too, which is amazing. i love it. but anyway... he told me they were not ready. so when i got home and walked into the house he was there with a giant bouquet of white and purple roses and on one knee with my engagement ring and re-proposed. how freakin sweet is that? i can't believe this incredible man will soon be my husband.
but what's weird is WHO AM I? i mean, seriously. i do NOT recognize myself anymore. at all. that's a weird feeling. fun, but weird.
so yoga is going well. thanks to jon's suggestions (you rock). some days are better than others. i know my limitations better now. and i don't attempt something i know i can't do. and i love it. really, i do. we're doing yoga in the park tomorrow, i'm very excited about that.
it should be a busy weekend full of yoga and errands and wedding prep. i swear i have no idea how we'll fill our time after the wedding. i can't believe how soon it is.
can i tell you how lucky i am? alex worked from home yesterday. he secretly went to pick up my completely redone engagement ring (for sizing purposes, i would NEVER have touched it, but it had to come down from a 9 to a 5, and with the detail, it had to be melted. i was sad, for sure, but i'm so excited that it fits now) and my wedding band too, which is amazing. i love it. but anyway... he told me they were not ready. so when i got home and walked into the house he was there with a giant bouquet of white and purple roses and on one knee with my engagement ring and re-proposed. how freakin sweet is that? i can't believe this incredible man will soon be my husband.
7.25.2005
ouch
so we started yoga yesterday. i learned that i'm flexible but not very strong. and my balance leaves some to be desired. which concerns us, of course, especially since i've never had balance problems. you know, before... but i'm trying to attribute it to it being my first yoga class. although alex could do things i couldn't balance-wise. and i know he was watching me like a hawk. i, on the other hand, couldn't see well. all the blood rushing to my head/dark room/vision still not 100%.... i f you know what i'm saying. oh and i'm VERY VERY VERY sore today. in that good-sore kind of way.
i haven't slept well in weeks. i try to say it's wedding-stress related (47 DAYS LEFT, HOLY CRAP) but i know what it is. because of my eye impairment, i am not only feeling like i have problems (i am) but i'm totally reliant on others for transportation right now as i've not been cleared to drive. these two things make me feel totally not self-reliant at all and i hate that. and that makes me think about what it will be like. you know, later... and that scares the hell out of me.
i try to brush it off like it really isn't happening, but i really think it is. my leg is getting worse i think. and the balance issues. and my eye.... eesh. can i wake up now?
i haven't slept well in weeks. i try to say it's wedding-stress related (47 DAYS LEFT, HOLY CRAP) but i know what it is. because of my eye impairment, i am not only feeling like i have problems (i am) but i'm totally reliant on others for transportation right now as i've not been cleared to drive. these two things make me feel totally not self-reliant at all and i hate that. and that makes me think about what it will be like. you know, later... and that scares the hell out of me.
i try to brush it off like it really isn't happening, but i really think it is. my leg is getting worse i think. and the balance issues. and my eye.... eesh. can i wake up now?
7.20.2005
more crap (aka: how much can i do to myself in one year?)
well first the good news. i'm officially as of this morning ONE HALF of the person i was before surgery. craziness! i wasn't sure this day would come. only about 25# more to go to be at my "ideal" weight, accounting for all the extra skin i have which i will not be having ps for.
this past friday morning i had PRK. for those of you who don't know what is it, it's what they did pre-LASIK. because of my optic neuritis i am not a LASIK candidate. all of this started back in december when i decided i did not want to have glasses in my wedding photos. vain, i know. i accept that. which lead us to research LASIK, which alex had years ago. that's when we discovered that i had a problem in my left eye and that's how all this started. so it was fitting to close the loop i suppose.
it was fine but recovery sucks. it's very long (as compared to LASIK) and much more uncomfortable. today was my fist day back i the office. and i still can't see all that well. but good enough to to code apparently. i "worked from home" yesterday. uh huh. which means i did laundry and watched a bunch of law & order on the tivo. i was waiting for emails that never came, honest. i did talk to alex on im a bit :) hopefully by next week i'll be cleared to drive. and hopefully soon my eyesight will get better. i was able to read a little last night, that was encouraging.
as for everything else... let's see i'm freaking about wedding stuff, but apparently we're working on that tonight. it's fun to get rsvp cards back, a few each day. only one "no" so far and it was very expected. so all is well so far.
no news on the darker front. apparently i'm (we're) choosing to ignore it right now. denial? our books that we ordered came, i haven't looked at them yet, as i've been blind and all and mush more interested in finishing the davinci code than anything ms-related right now. i have like 60 pages lefft and i was cursing my eyes for not being able ot handle more last night. bah!
this past friday morning i had PRK. for those of you who don't know what is it, it's what they did pre-LASIK. because of my optic neuritis i am not a LASIK candidate. all of this started back in december when i decided i did not want to have glasses in my wedding photos. vain, i know. i accept that. which lead us to research LASIK, which alex had years ago. that's when we discovered that i had a problem in my left eye and that's how all this started. so it was fitting to close the loop i suppose.
it was fine but recovery sucks. it's very long (as compared to LASIK) and much more uncomfortable. today was my fist day back i the office. and i still can't see all that well. but good enough to to code apparently. i "worked from home" yesterday. uh huh. which means i did laundry and watched a bunch of law & order on the tivo. i was waiting for emails that never came, honest. i did talk to alex on im a bit :) hopefully by next week i'll be cleared to drive. and hopefully soon my eyesight will get better. i was able to read a little last night, that was encouraging.
as for everything else... let's see i'm freaking about wedding stuff, but apparently we're working on that tonight. it's fun to get rsvp cards back, a few each day. only one "no" so far and it was very expected. so all is well so far.
no news on the darker front. apparently i'm (we're) choosing to ignore it right now. denial? our books that we ordered came, i haven't looked at them yet, as i've been blind and all and mush more interested in finishing the davinci code than anything ms-related right now. i have like 60 pages lefft and i was cursing my eyes for not being able ot handle more last night. bah!
7.13.2005
shower weekend
can i just say how great it was to be back east for a few days? cuz it really was. for lots of reasons. most importantly of course to see all my friends and my family. my bridal posse put on a GREAT shower for me it was really a lot of fun. half-way through it it hit me that damn, this is for ME because i am getting MARRIED. weird. my life is just so different now than just 3 or 4 years ago. it's pretty amazing. but i digress....
so yes, it was fabulous to see all my friends, most of whom i had not seen since surgery (and even those i had it was a long time ago) so it was fun to hear their amazement and awe at how i look. really, that won't get tired. i think for the most part some of them are really sad right now with their lives and it's easy to forget that sometimes. i wish i would have gotten more time to talk to them individually. my sister about her divorce, marie about her maybe separation, etc etc, but who wants to talk about those things at a bridal shower? right. which was the other reason it was good for me, i didn't have to think about anything bad. just hanging with my friends having a GREAT time and relaxing.
then, of course, we have to leave. then i realize how sad i really am that my friends are so far away. and that even though i'll see them in 2 months, then what?? i can't even say the requisite, "i'll be home for christmas", as that's not happening anymore. when will i see them again? ugh. this is not good. and there was so much talk about "when/how many kids you guys gonna have?" which is a scary thing in and of itself, as i did get my mom's history of miscarriages, etc.... but then it brought up all the stuff i had conveniently stuffed away for the weekend.
as i said, if asked directly i will answer anyone's questions, but right now i'm not volunteering the information. well, as my sister is leaving she asks me. and for some reason i felt compelled to tell her. right there in trish's sun porch of my diagnosis. we talk a few minutes about it and she leaves on the verge of tears. trish sees this and asks me what's up as she caught part of the conversation. so i sit with trish and we talk about it for awhile. meanwhile i had left alex out on the patio with two drunk girls and eventually he starts looking for us so we were cut a little bit short. i did not tell him that i told anyone though, not yet.
still haven't told my mom. it was killing me the first few days but it's easier now. her and dad are leaving for australia soon and then she'll be here for a long weekend when i take her to see neil diamond and i have my first dress fitting. we talked about telling her then, but honestly i'm starting to think post-wedding is the best. by then there will only be a month to go and it will be so busy that it will be easy to forget... until we get back from the honeymoon and meet with the doctor to tell her our decisions.
we were working on wedding stuff last night and i noticed the book the doctor gave us was next to alex's computer. yep, back to reality.
but, let's leave on a high note today. it's a little blurry, but still cute.
so yes, it was fabulous to see all my friends, most of whom i had not seen since surgery (and even those i had it was a long time ago) so it was fun to hear their amazement and awe at how i look. really, that won't get tired. i think for the most part some of them are really sad right now with their lives and it's easy to forget that sometimes. i wish i would have gotten more time to talk to them individually. my sister about her divorce, marie about her maybe separation, etc etc, but who wants to talk about those things at a bridal shower? right. which was the other reason it was good for me, i didn't have to think about anything bad. just hanging with my friends having a GREAT time and relaxing.
then, of course, we have to leave. then i realize how sad i really am that my friends are so far away. and that even though i'll see them in 2 months, then what?? i can't even say the requisite, "i'll be home for christmas", as that's not happening anymore. when will i see them again? ugh. this is not good. and there was so much talk about "when/how many kids you guys gonna have?" which is a scary thing in and of itself, as i did get my mom's history of miscarriages, etc.... but then it brought up all the stuff i had conveniently stuffed away for the weekend.
as i said, if asked directly i will answer anyone's questions, but right now i'm not volunteering the information. well, as my sister is leaving she asks me. and for some reason i felt compelled to tell her. right there in trish's sun porch of my diagnosis. we talk a few minutes about it and she leaves on the verge of tears. trish sees this and asks me what's up as she caught part of the conversation. so i sit with trish and we talk about it for awhile. meanwhile i had left alex out on the patio with two drunk girls and eventually he starts looking for us so we were cut a little bit short. i did not tell him that i told anyone though, not yet.
still haven't told my mom. it was killing me the first few days but it's easier now. her and dad are leaving for australia soon and then she'll be here for a long weekend when i take her to see neil diamond and i have my first dress fitting. we talked about telling her then, but honestly i'm starting to think post-wedding is the best. by then there will only be a month to go and it will be so busy that it will be easy to forget... until we get back from the honeymoon and meet with the doctor to tell her our decisions.
we were working on wedding stuff last night and i noticed the book the doctor gave us was next to alex's computer. yep, back to reality.
but, let's leave on a high note today. it's a little blurry, but still cute.
7.08.2005
sort of sinking in now
it still doesn't seem real. and now i have to decide when/if to tell people. i consciously have decided not to tell family/friends before this weekend as i'm leaving today to go back home for my bridal shower. and i did not want the focus of the weekend to become something else. so right now, only alex knows. and my buddy keith. i work with him and we talk about everything. we went for starbucks yesterday and he knew something was up, and i was about to explode. i needed to just say it. course, i still could not bring myself to say the words. all i said was that the results came in and they were positive. that's the most i could say. bah.
thing is, i can't lie, i swear i'm incapable. i can not come out and divulge information, but if asked directly, i can't lie. so i'm thankful my mom (who i talk to almost every morning) has not asked me about how my appointment went. she'd rather talk about london. which is fine with me. there's plenty to talk about there.
i just hope she doesn't ask me tonight or this weekend while we're there. i mean if she does, i need to tell her. but like i said, i want this weekend trip to be joyous. even though it will clearly be on my mind.
luckily my mom took out a crapload of life insurance on me when i was born. for two reasons, my dad had lupus and died when i was young and she was left with a child and lots of bills (and practically no life insurance benefits for him, i mean we was barely in his 30s) so she wanted to make sure i was protected, but also the likelihood i'd get sick was high, so she wanted to make sure i'd be covered. guess her foresight was right on. we are supposed to talk to her about taking over all of my policies now that we're getting married. alex thinks this would be a good time to tell her. we'll see.
everyone here at work that got their invites are all telling me how gorgeous they are and how excited they are. and as excited as i am about the wedding, i still have a hard time shaking the nagging feeling that alex is now signing up for more than he thought. and i know he will be there for me 3000% and he constantly tells me that, it's still hard to shake it. you know?
thing is, i can't lie, i swear i'm incapable. i can not come out and divulge information, but if asked directly, i can't lie. so i'm thankful my mom (who i talk to almost every morning) has not asked me about how my appointment went. she'd rather talk about london. which is fine with me. there's plenty to talk about there.
i just hope she doesn't ask me tonight or this weekend while we're there. i mean if she does, i need to tell her. but like i said, i want this weekend trip to be joyous. even though it will clearly be on my mind.
luckily my mom took out a crapload of life insurance on me when i was born. for two reasons, my dad had lupus and died when i was young and she was left with a child and lots of bills (and practically no life insurance benefits for him, i mean we was barely in his 30s) so she wanted to make sure i was protected, but also the likelihood i'd get sick was high, so she wanted to make sure i'd be covered. guess her foresight was right on. we are supposed to talk to her about taking over all of my policies now that we're getting married. alex thinks this would be a good time to tell her. we'll see.
everyone here at work that got their invites are all telling me how gorgeous they are and how excited they are. and as excited as i am about the wedding, i still have a hard time shaking the nagging feeling that alex is now signing up for more than he thought. and i know he will be there for me 3000% and he constantly tells me that, it's still hard to shake it. you know?
7.07.2005
the news, it's not good.
so let's just out and say it: i have ms.
whew. there. i said it. 'course no one is listening, but there it is. july 6, 2005, i was diagnosed. without ceremony, without fanfare, and much to our shock and dismay. after almost a year of testing and poking and prodding, and wondering and debating, the oh-so-fun lumbar puncture of a few weeks back has confirmed it. I HAVE MS.
so she tells me then gets up to "get me information" and i'm just looking at alex in shock like, what?? that isn't what was supposed to happen. that's not what i expected. at all. i thought i'd get more percentages. more uncertain results. nope. this is it. we now have two months to decide what therapy to start. two months. you realize where that puts us, right? smack dab at the wedding.
i'm still in shock. i just don't even really know what to say. all i can think about is seeing greg a few weeks ago and that could be me. christ. i have ms.
what the hell do i do now?
whew. there. i said it. 'course no one is listening, but there it is. july 6, 2005, i was diagnosed. without ceremony, without fanfare, and much to our shock and dismay. after almost a year of testing and poking and prodding, and wondering and debating, the oh-so-fun lumbar puncture of a few weeks back has confirmed it. I HAVE MS.
so she tells me then gets up to "get me information" and i'm just looking at alex in shock like, what?? that isn't what was supposed to happen. that's not what i expected. at all. i thought i'd get more percentages. more uncertain results. nope. this is it. we now have two months to decide what therapy to start. two months. you realize where that puts us, right? smack dab at the wedding.
i'm still in shock. i just don't even really know what to say. all i can think about is seeing greg a few weeks ago and that could be me. christ. i have ms.
what the hell do i do now?
6.30.2005
stuff on my mind lately
i don't know what to say right now. i'm in a weird place. my regular neurologist was unimpressed with my NO's assessment to just let things go at this point, especially with the advent of my new symptoms. in his defense, the leg stuff came after my last appointment with him, so he doesn't know.
but she became very adamant that i needed a lumbar puncture. right away. mmmm fun. she had mentioned back i january that i might eventually need one if signs were pointing to ms. so i wasn't too pleased to hear this. so it was scheduled for first thing the next morning and i then freaked out. i've seen them on tv and yeah they're more dramatic then but i still wasn't looking forward to it.
so alex got some time off. we went. and truthfully, the procedure itself wasn't bad at all. not that i'm anxious to do it again, but it was fine. the weird part was after when they handed my my vials of spinal fluid. "here." they said. "you need to take these to the hospital for part two of the test." now... not only was i not aware of this "part two" i was planning on going back to work. which i had told them the previous afternoon. which had been fine. now all of a sudden i'm off to the hospital (alone, since alex had to head in, as we didn't know about the length of the appointment) with vials of my own spinal fluid. meanwhile i'm calling my boss to tell him of this new development and to let him know i actually won't be in as i'm supposed to go home and lay down for 6 hours. would have been nice if i had known this the day before.
anyway, so i do everything else, so home. fill up n caffeine, as directed then try to relax. uh huh.
anyway, i find out the results on the 6th. i'm sure they will be "unremarkable."
that's all well and good, except this part weekend we went to kentucky. to visit alex's brother. the one with ms. holy fuck was that hard. i love greg, i do. it was a little different this time though thinking "that could be me." that fucks with you a bit.
you know what else fucks with you? the idea that even if i don't have ms, which i honestly think will be the case, i clearly have to watch my immune system. like how surgery triggered the optic neuritis. and the fact that we've opted to not persue any plastic surgery (unless it become a real medical issue) because we just don't know how my body will react. all well and good. except for one little thing. kids. having them might trigger something awful in me. or if i have ms, do we want to chance it? we had a nice long talk about it on the way home. alex wants them. more specifically he wants ours. when i mentioned adoption, suddenly he wasn't so into it. and that' not to say we won't change our minds. but... it's quite a bit to think about, isn't it?
but she became very adamant that i needed a lumbar puncture. right away. mmmm fun. she had mentioned back i january that i might eventually need one if signs were pointing to ms. so i wasn't too pleased to hear this. so it was scheduled for first thing the next morning and i then freaked out. i've seen them on tv and yeah they're more dramatic then but i still wasn't looking forward to it.
so alex got some time off. we went. and truthfully, the procedure itself wasn't bad at all. not that i'm anxious to do it again, but it was fine. the weird part was after when they handed my my vials of spinal fluid. "here." they said. "you need to take these to the hospital for part two of the test." now... not only was i not aware of this "part two" i was planning on going back to work. which i had told them the previous afternoon. which had been fine. now all of a sudden i'm off to the hospital (alone, since alex had to head in, as we didn't know about the length of the appointment) with vials of my own spinal fluid. meanwhile i'm calling my boss to tell him of this new development and to let him know i actually won't be in as i'm supposed to go home and lay down for 6 hours. would have been nice if i had known this the day before.
anyway, so i do everything else, so home. fill up n caffeine, as directed then try to relax. uh huh.
anyway, i find out the results on the 6th. i'm sure they will be "unremarkable."
that's all well and good, except this part weekend we went to kentucky. to visit alex's brother. the one with ms. holy fuck was that hard. i love greg, i do. it was a little different this time though thinking "that could be me." that fucks with you a bit.
you know what else fucks with you? the idea that even if i don't have ms, which i honestly think will be the case, i clearly have to watch my immune system. like how surgery triggered the optic neuritis. and the fact that we've opted to not persue any plastic surgery (unless it become a real medical issue) because we just don't know how my body will react. all well and good. except for one little thing. kids. having them might trigger something awful in me. or if i have ms, do we want to chance it? we had a nice long talk about it on the way home. alex wants them. more specifically he wants ours. when i mentioned adoption, suddenly he wasn't so into it. and that' not to say we won't change our minds. but... it's quite a bit to think about, isn't it?
6.15.2005
results
so i got them. they are "unremarkable." what does that mean, exactly? at least there is nothing glaringly wrong i suppose. so what does that mean? the optic neuritis was just a fluke?
which brings me to plastic surgery. let's face it, i want it. my weight has been stable for about 6 weeks now. it's even stabilized a few pounds higher than my low. and truly, i'm ok with that. i'm a small, or medium in tops. 10 or 12 in bottoms and i even put on an 8 dress last weekend. an EIGHT. i truly am happy. the only thing is the extra skin. and that is easily another 25 lbs, just in skin. and if my insurance will cover the tummy, the arms would only be $300/ea, and that's truly not bad. but then i wonder, if i do that will it make my thighs look crazy? then will i become obsessive?
we had ruled it out as i was told to avoid things that would mess with my immune system. this certainly would. now with a clean mri, is it an option again? i have to wait until next year anyway, since my vacation is all eaten up with the wedding this year. so i guess we just wait and see how i feel then? i guess so.
i guess we should see how eye surgery goes. see if anything gets triggered there and see what happens. *sigh*
side note, my whole life i thought that being thin and having money fixed everything. the older i get, the more people i know, the more stories i hear, man.... so not the case. and i'm glad i am who i am and i'm glad alex is who he is and i'm really excited to "officially" start our lives together.
which brings me to plastic surgery. let's face it, i want it. my weight has been stable for about 6 weeks now. it's even stabilized a few pounds higher than my low. and truly, i'm ok with that. i'm a small, or medium in tops. 10 or 12 in bottoms and i even put on an 8 dress last weekend. an EIGHT. i truly am happy. the only thing is the extra skin. and that is easily another 25 lbs, just in skin. and if my insurance will cover the tummy, the arms would only be $300/ea, and that's truly not bad. but then i wonder, if i do that will it make my thighs look crazy? then will i become obsessive?
we had ruled it out as i was told to avoid things that would mess with my immune system. this certainly would. now with a clean mri, is it an option again? i have to wait until next year anyway, since my vacation is all eaten up with the wedding this year. so i guess we just wait and see how i feel then? i guess so.
i guess we should see how eye surgery goes. see if anything gets triggered there and see what happens. *sigh*
side note, my whole life i thought that being thin and having money fixed everything. the older i get, the more people i know, the more stories i hear, man.... so not the case. and i'm glad i am who i am and i'm glad alex is who he is and i'm really excited to "officially" start our lives together.
6.10.2005
help, please
i don't think anyone actually reads this site. but it someone comes across this site and has any ideas, please let me know.
i am getting married in september. this past christmas i lost my grandfather. my grandpa and i were very very close and i loved him so much, i want to do some sort of dedication to him at the ceremony without sending anyone to tears (namely my mother and myself). I will, at the least put him on the back of the program with a photo and some sort of poem (any thoughts on this?) or any other dedication?
thanks.
i am getting married in september. this past christmas i lost my grandfather. my grandpa and i were very very close and i loved him so much, i want to do some sort of dedication to him at the ceremony without sending anyone to tears (namely my mother and myself). I will, at the least put him on the back of the program with a photo and some sort of poem (any thoughts on this?) or any other dedication?
thanks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
