sadness...

why am i so sad? i guess it started when we had the moving in talk, that left me sad. i jsut can't see to stop being sad. alex noticed, of course, and suggested we "call in sad" to work today and just spend some time together. i guess i probably should have. oh well.

so am i screwing things up by being sad? on the one hand it scares me to show him i'm sad. i'm afraid he'll be concerned about my.. ahem... past actions. NOT that he should be. i mean that was something completely unreal. but i think that nags me in the back of my head. even though he's never been anything but understanding and compassionate.

one thing that has been swirling in my head is a certain ex. i'm only talking about the good parts. the comfort level wwe had with each other. the excitement and spontaneaty we had. the romance. the laughter. take the bad stuff out and we were undoubtedly made for each other. i find myself comparing those things to what i have with alex. which, i guess, of course, is inevitable.

these are some of the comparisons... level of comfort: well, after being together for 6 years of course there will be a certain high level of comfort. and i think, for 4 months, we certainly are very comfortable with each other. i think i'm talking more day-to-day stuff and that stuff will come with time.

excitement? spontanaety? no, not really. it's odd. we do stuff. i'm content. but i think i miss the forcefulness and resolve that she had. the initiative that made up for my apathy. when you're both apathetic, not much gets done. and he needs to plan EVERYTHING and it does drive me nuts. finally on saturday after grilling me about "what are we going to do? watch tv? ok, what are we goign to watch? do you like this?" over and over until he finally said "or i can shut up, we can watch this, and i can stop trying to plan every minute of the day" and i'm like "you finally got it!"

romance? eh. yes and no. he's so loving and so affetionate. and i need that, i know that. stupid stuff like nina used to slap my ass a lot and i liked that, i'm not ashamed to admit. althoug she brought it into overkill. now he's suddenly started doing that. well, ok! don't know where that came from, but yay! she'd write me poems and pick me wildflowers. ok, i understand that's not the "norm" but it was great! he's getting the idea that i like flowers so that's happening more and he does try, it's jsut not natural for him, and i understand that.

laughter? yes. and times it is coming out more. the silliness and playfulness. i've seen glimpses of it, i know it can be there. i jsut need to make it happen. and when i'm miss gloom and doom i know that certainly does not help!

i guess i don't feel that desperate, all comsuming, i'll die if i lose it kind of love with him. the hig emotion bursting in tears or in laughter all the time kind of love. but is that because she was my first true love? maybe. i don't know. and i do love him. when i'm not with him i want to be. i'm a better person when i'm with him. he's very good to me and loves me and takes care of me.

so what is my problem???

home

so we had the moving in together talk. i have to say, i think it went pretty poorly. not in topic. i mean, i know he wants to and that's no surprise, but i had 3 questions to ask him and his answers weren't really what i expected:

#1 Why do you want to live with me
#2 What do you envision changing once that happens and
#3 When do you see this happening

Answers were very logical, very not emotional. including things like "it will be more convenient." "we won't have to keep up both houses", "it will be better for the cats"

After like an hour of talking I was finally to the point of "say something nice about me and wanting to do this that had nothing to do with cats!"

so then of course he did. and it was all good stuff. and i felt better. and he said that he hadn't said any of that because it goes without saying that he'd feel that way. he was looking at the more logical, analytical side. and that "girls are wierd. they need to hear things to believe them."

we talked about the things that are problematic, namely my condo. his quesion was "do you consider that home?" and i didn't know what to say.

home. interesting concept. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and haven't had a "home" in a long long time. the last time i sorta felt settled was in farmington with matt, really. alex said it seemed strange to him that i'd want to spend all this time, energy (and money) to make my condo my home, when we should be starting to think about building a home together.

i don't know why the whole thing left me feeling kind of sad. i don't know why, really.

it ended up coming down to this for now: we need to address the cats and how that's going to work. once that happens, i'll move my clothes and stuff over to his house, but will maintain my condo... until we decide otherwise.

and i sadi to him that it will always be "his house." especially while i still have my condo. and that can potentially get wierd. not that i really think so, but my past is rearing it's ugly head of memories which is probably why i'm freaking.

bottom line? i'm scared. but i don't really know why.

am i ready?

so, yeah, we've been living out of bags for about 3 months now. more me than alex as we usually stay at his place. as mine is still in limbo and all that. it was easy in the summer, throw a shirt and some capris in a bag and i'm good to go. well now that it's getting colder it's getting more complicated. we're gonna be talking sweaters, boots, hair dryers, etc etc...

so alex tells me, bring more stuff over here. bring your clothes and leave them here. and i said "what? and pack a bag to go to my house?" and he's like "yeah" but i don't know. i don't want to do that, but why am i resisting?

my kitties

i love isaac. he's so my buddy. so many nights he's kept me company and comforted me and stayed with me during the most horrendous of situations. i never connected like that with newtie... hayes is cool, but still too much of a kitten. but i digress. i was so thrilled to have isaac back with me, in our own house, however ghetto it is. i got hayes thinking they'd be buddies, but that has not gone well at all. then there's the added problem that he wants to go out. which, truthfully, is ok with me. BUT my street is kinda busy, i'm near one of THE busiest streets and it does make me nervous. but i know isaac can take care of himself. i watch him check before he crosses the street, he's really good about it actually.

the problem is this... well meaning neighbors. isaac has a collar with his name, our address and my phone number on it. in the last month i can't tell you how many calls i've gotten from people saying my cat is in their yard. and that's all well and good, but, really it's ok that he's outside. people don't get it. and i understand the concern they have. especially that he's declawed. i try to explain that he doens't KNOW he's declawed and can kick some serious ass.

however, it seems that my practice of letting my cat is jsut NOT ok with lots of people.

and yes, he's been out at very inopportune times. like eveytime alex and i have gone away for 2 or 3 days. kim goes and checks on him but inevitably there's some fiasco.

there's been 2 very disturbing events though and i'm thinking more and more that maybe he should go back to my mom's house. NOT that i want him to go, but maybe it's better for him in the long run.

we alex and i talked about it last night and his suggestion is to switch, and see what happens. he takes isaac to the bigger house, that once he's ready, is a good neighborhood for him to roam in. and i take griff so the kittens can have playmates.

i suppose it's worth a try. i guess. on the one hand i think, great! i'll see more of isaac since we're usually at alex's. but with TWO kittens at my place, a lot more time will need to be spent there.

i guess we'll see.

birthday boy

ah, it's finally alex's birthday. i hope everything goes well. i feel like i have so much i still have to do.... oh wait. that's becasue i do!

the canvas transfer thing isn't going so well. maybe i'll get lucky when i look at them today. maybe.

then there's the pie, oh i'll write about that tomorrow i'm sure. ha ha... we'll see. i put a lot of effort into this i hope it goes ok.

annoyance

why did my last post go up twice?

first fight... well sorta

yesterday marked the first time that i was mad at alex. and mad is even a little strong i guess. more like annoyed. we both had nothing planned for yesterday. i assumed that we'd spend the day together (why shouldn't i? we always do) so, saturday morning he wakes me up at the crack of dawn... no lie it was like 6am. i had been looking forward to sleeping in. or course afer talking a bit i'm awake. ugh. he wants to go get breakfast. i'm so not ready for that. we end up talking for awhile and leave for breakfast at like 8am. ok. that's fine.

he keeps asking me "what are we going to do today?" i'm like "i don't know, whatever." i tell him at some point i need to go to cvs and go to see where i need to be for this volunteer work i had to do this morning. this will take about 15 minutes total. so we're driving back to his house, it's barely 9 and he's all like "why dont' you go do what you need to do." i'm like, ok, fine. so i go inside to get my stuff. kind of annoyed. but whatever. he knows it too. so i'm getting my stuff and he pulls me back down into bed and we start talking and stuff and end up falling back asleep... for 3 hours.

we get up and he's basically like "go do your stuff and we'll have dinner later" what? it's like noon at the most. fine whatever.

i think he's all caught up in having to have plans, and if there aren't any he freaks out. so i go home, shower, talk to grampa fpr awhile, do laundry, watch a movie, caulk my bathtub (wtf?!). he calls me about 3 pm and is all like "did you think of anything to do?" and i'm like "nope" clearly annoyed now. why do we have to have "something" to do. you know what i mean? i know he's just sitting around watching tv. which i did part of the time, but we can't we jsut hang out? rrrr.

so fine. i finish watching my movie, go to cvs, go to the walk site and then go to gallup park and feel better. i'm thinking that since it's a little after 5 at this point, we'll probably jsut get together. i call him on my way home and he's watching the game. ok, fine. his attitude deflates me a little bit. the conversation is odd. i tell him to watcht he game and to call me later. he's being strange. i tell him he's been weird all day and when he figured out what he wants to call me later and hang up.

i'm very upset at this point. i know it's dumb. he calls around 6, why don't we have dinner about 7 he says. he'll come over and get me. fine.

he comes, i'm a little aloof, i'm hurt. i'm not mena, just not as affectionate as usual. it's a little strained at first. but then it's ok. we go back to my house and play with the cats for a bit. i'm thinking i'll stay at my house and have him go home since i' still feeling odd and i had to get up around 6 to go to the walk. he suddenly remembers he has not seen my portfolio, he wants to. my student one.

so he goes to get it and we go through it. we get to my book. that was a little odd. he was very impressed and kind of weirded out at the same time i think. we look through some pictures and then decide it's time to leave. i go to go upstairs to get my bag and he's following me. then just totally attacks me. he's never been like that. a few hours later it's clear we're staying at my place. there's no chance either one of us are leaving.

we start talking and he's saying all sorts of thing how i'm his, and he never wants to be without me. i say at one point that i'll keep him and he's like "good. i was worried you were going to kick me to the curb earlier today, you know, when you were mad at me on the phone" and i'm like "just because i was annoyed with you doesn't mean i don't want to keep you"

then i was up say to late and was exhausted at the walk. keith, kelly, and buddy dave were in worse shape though so i didn't feel so bad. we had fun.

i'm still a little unsettled. but it will all be ok. right?

my beloved grampa

my grandfather is definitely one of the most important people in my life. he was like a dad to me for so long. i remember stopping at dunkin donut for cocoa and a french crueller before dropping me off at school in the morning. or trip to bickford's before girl scouts. having dinner with him once a week at least all through high school. my firends like jamie always stopping by, coming in saying "hey grampa!"... then before college when he had his heart surgery, when he didn't remember who i was for weeks. having to measure his blood sugar for him when he couldn't do it. then coming home from college every weekend and going to maryann's for breakfast listening to him boast about "my granddaughter came all the way from connecticut just to have breakfast with me."

i know he's not going to live forever. and it's the one thing that made me regret coming to michigan, being away from him. it broke his heart when he found out i was coming back, especially after living at home with them for 6 months. i'd had a few false alams already since being back. he's gone into kidney failure, his CHF is recurring... but i wasn't ready for the call last night that told me he was bleeding internally. i'm pretty much waiting until mom calls with my flight information. i don't want my last time spent withmy grandfather to be in a hospital, but i'd rather that than nothing.

i don't want him to die, but i don't want him to be in pain and i know he's been in a pain for a long time. i know he's not happy. i know he's "done" with life. on the one hand i want him to meet alex very much, but on the other hand, i know part of him is holding out to make sure i'm "all set" you know? the older generations mentality. if he knows i've found my future husband and all that, will that make him want to stick around longer (ie: for the wedding) or would that give him the peace he needs to let go? i know this is not about me, and i am selfish for making it about me.

i'm just not ready to let him go. but will i ever be?

the merging of the cats

if we didn't have 2 cats each, and we both didn't OWN our homes, i'm sure that alex and i would be living together by now. i mean, we are, pretty much, just split between our houses. there's only been 2 or 3 nights in the last 3 months that we have spent apart. actually 2. one because i had to be at a photo shoot at 7am (although now, we'd still spend the night together, but that was a long time ago) and the night that i slept through his calls (pre-key exchange). he even brought that one up again last night. how he "didn't get to see me at ALL that day (pouty lip and little whimpery noise)."

and even though we've talked about marriage and kids, the topic of living togehter hasn't really come up. although, it probably should. going back and forth IS a bit tiring. but he finally did bring it up last night, kind of round about.

we stayed at my house last night, as i felt like i'd been neglecting my cats. it was fun as ever. at one point he mentions that issac and kit would get along. knowing where he was headed, i made him say it. "there's no way you're switching isaac for griff. i don't need TWO kittens" and he's all like "no, no... not switching, but, you know, when we merge them together."

interesting.

fairborn ohio

so we spent the weekend in fairborn ohio. where's fairborn? near dayton. we went to spend the weekend with jason, satomi and brian (aka: zelner).

i had met jason and satomi before, and i truly love them. they're great. jason is really sweet. satomi rocks. zelner. eh. i could definitely do without him. he was not at all what i expected. he's so anal and uptight.

so saturday we decide we're going to play monopoly. probably a bad idea. monopoly can get ugly. i was pms-ing. and zelner was an ass. first he claims he doenst' knwo how to play. HELLO? who doesn't know how to play monopoly?? he had to say someting about everything all the time. i was annoyed! i tried not to be but it got worse and worse. he was so on my last nerve. we were all sitting on the floor. zelner was to my left and alex was to my right. he was leaning up against me so i could tlak in his ear and zelner couldn't hear me. and i was so all about "does he EVER stop talking???" i felt bad, but it was that or i was going to rip his head off and stuff it in his ass. i was more blatant about it as the game went on though, he'd want to make deals with me and i'd be like "no." right away to shut him up. it came down to him and alex and thankfully he lost.

i feel bad that i don't like him, as he's one of alex's 2 close friends, but ugh. i'm glad he lives 4 hours away.

on a good note, i'm not so sure what happened this wknd with alex and i but something changed. friday night we all played cards and drank and stuff and then satomi, zelner and i went to sleep and alex and jason stayed up talking for hours after. when he came to bed he was so all about "i love you very very very very much" and whispering to me how he was telling jason how great i am and how happy he is, etc etc. and we ended up having some really, really great sex in the middle of their living room! and ever since then he tells me how much he loves me like every five seconds. i don't know what happened.

domestic life

starting monday alex will be on a regular schedule! we'll get up together in the morning (instead of him pushing me out of bed)... and will actually get to see each other at normal times at night! i don't believe it.

we'll see how it goes. it won't be all peaches and roses. he's going to be beat and stressed out. i'm hoping i can somehow help to alleviate that.

nothing is a struggle with us though, i swear. even last night, it was the start of the football season and we totall hung out with brent and damien. cooked out. then when i was tired i went to bed while they watched the game. didn't bother me in the slightest. course, it's a long season, so we'll see.

we've moved really quickly from vaguely talking about marriage to talking specifically about marriage to discussing children pretty much on a daily basis. it totally isn't scary at all. i want all that with him.

as i was tlaking to marie though, the only issue i had about getting married was my awful financial situation. i don't know how all that works or anything, but i wouln't want to drag him into that. and i'm not sure about the legalities of marriage and stuff when it comes to finances.

but... as i was thinking about that, that's when my lawyer called. i swear, it was insanity. if we can get that case settled and i can pay off some stuff.... it would fix everything.

i guess we'll wait and see....

(hooray!) just practicing

i'm trying not to get to excited just yet, but it's so hard when you're in the piss-poor financial situation i am in (thanks, in large part, to my ex) and can see relief start to poke it's sunny little head up over the horizon!

first, looks like the gig with jon may come through. that in and of itself would help so tremendously. i could pay stuff off. which would mean i'd have more cash on a weekly basis and i could *gasp* open a savings account???!!!? no! tell me it ain't so!

bigger than that? i got a call from my lawyer on friday that they're about to get ready to settle my case with stop 'n' shop! i seriously don't believe it. it's been a little over a year since it happened and it has so been on the back burner in my mind for so long that it was SUCH an unexpected call to get. i should have asked him more quesions about timeframe and amounts and procedures etc, but i was so shocked and excited i didn't ask a damn thing.

now, i'm trying not to get too excited about this. for all i know they may just give me a measly $5K or something. but i have to doubt that since #1 my lawyer took the case (he only gets paid by a percentage of what i get) and #2 it just HAS to be more than that. it just HAS to.

oooh oooh i'm so trying not to plan ahead. i'm trying to prioritize things that i want paid off, you know?

but besides the obvious paying bills and not being so strapped issue, that is unequivocably the biggest plus to this, there are two more big bonuses that i am looking forward to.

first: it will make me feel like less of a charity case with my boyfriend. not that he EVER intentionally makes me feel that way AT ALL, but even if he still continues to pay for everything (which won't happen) even if i have the cash sitting there that alone will make all the difference. you know? it's not having it that's bothering me.

second: now i know this is far-fetched, but depending on what i get, it MAY just have surgery become a possibility. that's all i'm going to say, i don't want to get my hopes up.

more to come...

michael moore

we reached the turning point in any relationship. the michael moore mile. do you like him and do you agree with his views? i'm kidding, sort of. we both love and respect mr. moore for his documentaries and often watch an episode of "the awful truth" before bed. but last night, we watched "bowling for columbine"

now, i know i was tired and there was quite a bit of information but i was just on overload after it. he wanted to talk about it and i just couldn't. that happens to me sometimes after i see something that affects me that deeply. it was that way, for example, after i saw "boys don't cry" i couldn't even talk about it after. it was just too much.

now, the thing about BFC, (and really any moore piece), is the focus on michigan. maybe it's more pertient to me now that i'm back here, but woah. and i know that those type of people exist everywhere, and since he's from flint that's what he focuses on.

the part with marilyn manson i think was my favorite.

it scares me to think about people though.

we decided we're retiring to canada.

three months... already.

this saturday marked our 3 month anniversary. and it seems like we've been together so much longer than that! when i say 3 months is sounds so piddly!

it was nice. alex brought my a dozen roses and a really cute card. we went out ot dinner the same place we had out first date. went to the movies after, like on our first date. things just ended a little differently then they did that first time. :)

we talked about our first meeting a lot, it was interesting to hear the perspective he had on it and i'm sure it was interesting for him to hear mine. then he so kindly pointed out to me that we slept together on our 4th date. nice. nothing like making a girl feel like a whore.

it sounds much worse that it actually was! there was a lot of time involved... really.

here's to the next 3 months!

other stuff.

the thing about this weekend that was really great though is that we talked A LOT about marriage and kids and views and such. started out generic, but got personal quickly and remained that way all weekend. specifics about how many kids we want, what we'd do different than our parents, view on big things like abortion and public schools, politics, etc etc... we even had this ongoing joke about who would drive the mini van. which, btw, we both insist we will never get. although we saw this hot pink one around stratford and i was like "ok, i'll get a mini van if it looks like that!" and he's all like "hell NO! i'll have to drive it!" you know, stuff like that. even down to last night when we were talking about houses at one point and he said that his next house he'll want to have built. and i asked him where (as we were driving to his house) and he's like, "in this neighborhood probably. i really like it. you like it here, don't you? "

i have to say, if we don't get married, i'd be really surprised.

and then it was dark.

so we left thursday and i was a gorgeous day and a nice drive. about 3 hours or so. we did get delayed quite a bit at the border just cuz it was packed. but i offically was let into the country without any hassle, which was nice! i'm not going to lie, i WAS nervous about it.

we got into town and saw where the hotel was. alex was disapointed as it wasn't as nice as he thought it was going to be. it was fine with me and it was actually a good thing it was what it was...but i'll get to that later. so we went downtown. stratford is a cute little town along the river. we drove around and he showed me all the theaters and stuff like that. we got out and walked around and ate ice cream cones. it was really sweet. VERY hot though.

we decide we're kinda hungry and it's closing in on dinner time so we go back to the hotel to check in. we get into the room and he turns on the air and we decided to relax for a bit before getting ready for dinner. there was the nice place he wanted to take me. so the air is on for about 5 mintes and it shuts off. we're like, hmmm... interesting. we decide he should go tell the office that nothing seems to be working. so he leaves, come back and tells me that the whole are is out of power. ok. no big deal. at this point we had no idea what was up. so we decide to go into town and find out how big the outage really is. of course, all the restaurants are closing and there's no where to eat. so we walk around a bit figuring it will be ok in a little while. the only place to get food were at these little hot dog stands so finally we get some hot dogs. alex is kind of discouraged at this point, as nothing is going as planned. but it's fine, really. i'm not upset at all.

we hear that they were going to announce at 7 what was going to happen for the shows that evening. so we walk all the way to the big theater and find out they're cancelling the shows. ok, not a surprise. so we walk back into town which was so odd without power! places are selling beers out of coolers so we have some beers and walk around. and decided to go back to the hotel. on the way we see a convenince store that's open (even without power) and decide we should get some food and drinks before going back. it was so creepy bein in there in the dark! then alex remembers he has a flashlight in the car. so we're shopping by flashlight!! we were so the envy of everyone in there!!!! it was quite an adventure!

at any rate, we had no power. we entertained ourselves for awhile at the hotel while listening to the radio -- alex's cell phone has a radio in it -- so we could find out what was going on.

the power came back on about 10:30. it was very exciting! we went back into town. a few restaurants were opening back up with limited stuff so we were able to have dinner. then we walked down along the river and sat by the water and made out for awhile. it was very sweet.

eventually we went back to the hotel and went to sleep. the power went back out again overnight.

came back on around 11am or so. we were able to go get breakfast. entertaining ourselves all day was interesting... lots of places were closed. we walked through the shakespearean gardens. went to shops that were open. read and napped by the river. it was very nice, really. since they had power most of the day we figured we'd be good for our show that night. but nope. couldn't get all the power, generators and ac up enough in the big theater to have a production. so we didn't get to see any of our shows! alex was pretty bothered by it. the whole "i had this nice romantic weekend planned for us and everything went wrong" but at the same time we did really have a nice time together. we ended up leaving after we found out the show was cancelled and came back to town to find out what was up here.

good news? we'll have to go back!

vertigo

so i've been suffering from bouts of vertigo for the last week. i tell you that is some scary shit. especially yesterday morning. got up fine. got into the shower. started waching my hair and bam! the whole room is spinning. fast. i lean against the wall in the shower and wait. closing my eyes makes it worse so i try to focus on one point. i almost called alex to come and help me out, i was that afraid i was going to fall over. i managed to stand under the water to rinse my air and stumbled out of the shower grabbing the wall on the way. managed to grab my towel as i stumbled to the bed, managing to sit down. of course alex is totally freaked about it and sat there rubbing my back until it subsided.

scared me enough that i went to the doctor this morning. but were they helpful? course not. here, take some pills and if you're not better in a week come back. great. waste of a copay.

so i've felt pretty lousy all day between slight dizziness and pseudo migraines. i'm supposed to be leaving shortly to go to a concert in detroit with kim, keith and kelly. should be a good time, if i can make it. i can totally see getting totally dizzy. we'll see.

my big fear? not feeling well tomorrow and friday in stratford. i'm really afraid of that. keep your fingers crossed, i don't want to ruin our vacation!

meeting mom.... and spiders

yeah, totally stressed myself out about meeting alex's mom. for no reason. but boy did he get a kick out of seeing me so nervous! as we were walking to the door she goes out on the stoop and is watching us as we walked up... holding hands i might add (which i thought was big on his part). first thing she did? hug me. guess i'm in.

so we're driving to dinner and i'm sitting in the front seat with his mom and looking at her because we're talking. i turn to face forward and what is dangling right in fron tof my face but a SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HEAD! apparently alex, who was sitting behind me, saw it before i did and knowing my INCREDIBLE FEAR of spiders had been trying to figure out what to do before i noticed it. of course total panic ensued. now he's trying to reach over me to get it without knocking it on me! then it crawled up to where we couldn't get it and for the rest of the ride. i was as close to being in the backseat as i could be without actually being in the back seat totally transfixed on the spot where the spider disappeared.

needless to say i did NOT sit in the front going home. good thing too, cuz it came back out.

just talking about it now freaks me out!!

ahh... all is right with the world again

so as i tell my boyfriend what my mother said about the tickets as i'm frantically changing in the 5 minutes i have before we have to leave to have dinner with his sister, he starts beaming. "good. i want you here for thanksgiving." or something like that. it was so sweet. he must have told me a million times over the course of the night how happy he is about me being with him for thanksgiving.

so can i say that meeting his sister and his 2 neices last night went totally fine. she's great. the girls are beautiful. and seeing how he was with his neices... man. it jsut totally made me want to have his children. i've never felt like i diid seeing him with them. it was... just... wonderful.

i guess mom isn't half bad after all.

as she was asking me if i was coming home for thanksgiving or christmas i asked her "wait, is that a choice?" to which she replied "no - not a choice - but with Alex you may have different thoughts on the holidays."

go mom!

at which point i told her what we had discussed and that fact that it was too early to decide and she was all like "yeah, i figured as much" and didn't seem affected at all.

i never even HINTED that we may split the holidays. not at all. i honestly thought she'd freak.

she's not half bad, i don't care what they say.

of course, nothing has been decided still, but that was a step in the right direction for sure.