yesterday we celebrated our christmas since we'll be apart. got up early and ran down to open gifts just like little kids. alex told me he'd gotten me "everything i aksed for" and i couldn't figure out what he meant, as i hadn't asked for anything. just goes to show you how much my boyfriends listens and files away.
he got me a bunch of "girly movies" and i have to say, left to his own devices he did really well. we're talking legally blonde and my best friend's wedding calibur.
he got me cranium, the fancy version, the game i've raved about incessantly although i only played it once like 2 years ago.
he got me something i've wanted my entire life. a SNOOPY SNO-CONE MAKER. i can't believe he found one!!! it is the coolest gift i have ever received, the most thoughtful and wonderful.
then, the piece de resistance. yes folks, you can "set it and forget it" it's the ronco showtime rotisserie grill! made by mr. spray on hair himself! i have wanted this grill forever. (ok, not as long as snoopy) but no one took me seriously. except my boyfriend.
of course, in true alex fashion he had to also buy every accessory possible. yes, including the flovor injector! AND the solid food injector! and on and on and on...
it is so awesome. and i made steaks last night and words cannot express how incredible they were. we were totally watching them turn and drip. he even took pictures with his new camera.
after dinner we, of course, had sno-cones.
it was a wonderful day and easily the best christmas ever.
12.22.2003
12.19.2003
advice please...
i am totally addicted to reading advice columns. two in particular. this one and this one.
i don't know why. can't stop reading them. although dan's doesn't always interest me.
i wonder why i read them so religiously. like to the point that on carolyn's i read all the back-ones i could find, including the transcripts to her "live" chats. oh yeah, those are DANGEROUS! i've only kept up with them live twice. bad bad bad. i've not really had anything to do at work the last coupla days and so i've read alot. eh.
maybe i'm searching for answers to questions that i don't know i have.
i don't know why. can't stop reading them. although dan's doesn't always interest me.
i wonder why i read them so religiously. like to the point that on carolyn's i read all the back-ones i could find, including the transcripts to her "live" chats. oh yeah, those are DANGEROUS! i've only kept up with them live twice. bad bad bad. i've not really had anything to do at work the last coupla days and so i've read alot. eh.
maybe i'm searching for answers to questions that i don't know i have.
nothin a lil' bit o' espresso can't fix
so my boy wanted to see the new lotr movie. i knew this. i also knew he didn't want to wait until sunday, as i had originally suggested. so we went last night. with a bunch of his coworkers. for anyone that knows me at all, i fall asleep at movies. have forever, even back in slumber party days. you know the ones where you really want to watch dirty dancing, but you can't, you're not old enough yet. yeah, whatever. like i hadn't already found the sex books my parents had "hidden" in the entertainment center. riiiiiiight. but i digress.
so, we're going to go to a 7:30 movie. in dearborn (1/2 hour drive). and the movie is 3 1/2 hours. oh, and did i mention that i have already taken to falling asleep in the theaters too! i think the last 5 movies we saw, i only was awake partially. so, short story long, i had my concerns.
so i took a little stop at starbucks. and got not one, but TWO doppio espresso con pannas. oh yes, that's 4, count 'em 4 shots of that wonderful stuff. only they made them wrong. how can you mess that u0p you ask? oh it's possible. eh, regardless, it worked it magic. i was awake.
and i have to say, i enjoyed the movie. i did not see the other 2 in theaters, and yes, it did make quite a difference. it was a good time. and i was so awake i even got to drive home. go espresso!
now onto the second part of last night... meeting some new people. and i use "meet" loosly, as saying "hi, i'm chris" and then sitting near them for 3 1/2 hours doesn't quite qualify... but here's my impressions.
there was one dude that i really liked. and boy, i don't even know his name... but he was friendly, fun and i could joke around with him immeditately in that oh-so-charming way i have about me. there was one couple that we'd had plans with on 2 seperate occasions that were cancelled both times that coincidently jsut happend to be going to the same movie (how fun!). i didn' tlak to them for more than a minute but i already know i'll like them. plus, the wife has sex toy parties. can't beat that.
then there was this other girl. the girl that works with all these boys. the one i've heard about a lot but haven't met. the one hat i had been dying of curiosity to see. and boy. i did. not. like. her.
why you may ask? i'm not sure. she wasn't friendly. didn't even try to introduce herself. and i SWEAR she glared at me more than once. my imagination? maybe. but someting jsut ain't right there.
alex tells me he used to hang with her a lot then dropped her like a hot potato when he met me. think that's the reason? i, personally, think she may have had the hot for him (howver much he says that's not true) and therefore, resents me for stepping in.
i gotta say, i've been in that position many many times of being totally in love with a "friend" of mine and being crushed when my little fantasy of what we could be is obliterated.
not saying this is the case, but sure does seem like a likely candidate to me.
so, we're going to go to a 7:30 movie. in dearborn (1/2 hour drive). and the movie is 3 1/2 hours. oh, and did i mention that i have already taken to falling asleep in the theaters too! i think the last 5 movies we saw, i only was awake partially. so, short story long, i had my concerns.
so i took a little stop at starbucks. and got not one, but TWO doppio espresso con pannas. oh yes, that's 4, count 'em 4 shots of that wonderful stuff. only they made them wrong. how can you mess that u0p you ask? oh it's possible. eh, regardless, it worked it magic. i was awake.
and i have to say, i enjoyed the movie. i did not see the other 2 in theaters, and yes, it did make quite a difference. it was a good time. and i was so awake i even got to drive home. go espresso!
now onto the second part of last night... meeting some new people. and i use "meet" loosly, as saying "hi, i'm chris" and then sitting near them for 3 1/2 hours doesn't quite qualify... but here's my impressions.
there was one dude that i really liked. and boy, i don't even know his name... but he was friendly, fun and i could joke around with him immeditately in that oh-so-charming way i have about me. there was one couple that we'd had plans with on 2 seperate occasions that were cancelled both times that coincidently jsut happend to be going to the same movie (how fun!). i didn' tlak to them for more than a minute but i already know i'll like them. plus, the wife has sex toy parties. can't beat that.
then there was this other girl. the girl that works with all these boys. the one i've heard about a lot but haven't met. the one hat i had been dying of curiosity to see. and boy. i did. not. like. her.
why you may ask? i'm not sure. she wasn't friendly. didn't even try to introduce herself. and i SWEAR she glared at me more than once. my imagination? maybe. but someting jsut ain't right there.
alex tells me he used to hang with her a lot then dropped her like a hot potato when he met me. think that's the reason? i, personally, think she may have had the hot for him (howver much he says that's not true) and therefore, resents me for stepping in.
i gotta say, i've been in that position many many times of being totally in love with a "friend" of mine and being crushed when my little fantasy of what we could be is obliterated.
not saying this is the case, but sure does seem like a likely candidate to me.
12.18.2003
holiday spirit
man... i guess getting older does tend to taint things. this weekend as we were addressing our cards a neighbor kid came by with a bag of cookies and the like from his family. our reaction "damn! no what are we going to do for them??" this after i learn alex's friend got me a present. rrrrrr. just one more thing i have to get now. i just went to best buy to get alex's last 2 gifts (yeah 2, i shouldn't have even got 1 and i got 2) and i start thinking that i have a pretty bad attitude about gift giving this year. and i guess i do. point is i spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much money on my boyfriend which left me nothing for anyone else... after buying my plane ticket and such too. oh well. what can you do.
merry effin christmas.
merry effin christmas.
12.11.2003
for the love of god
has it really been THAT long? jeez i guess it has. i think i've lost my excitement for this. either that or my life is so boring that i have nothing to write about!
what's new? well we got our first chritmas tree. a big ass one at that. we think it's about 10 feet tall. we don't know. freakin huge regardless. felt like a couple of little kids since we were so excited bringing it home. we listened to christmas music and drank champagne while decorating it.
what else.. had to get new glasses since my frames broke. yeah, they're purple. purple frames.
eh. i'm bored of this already, but feel compelled to post this so there's something,anything up there that's in this month.
man. i'm so lame.
what's new? well we got our first chritmas tree. a big ass one at that. we think it's about 10 feet tall. we don't know. freakin huge regardless. felt like a couple of little kids since we were so excited bringing it home. we listened to christmas music and drank champagne while decorating it.
what else.. had to get new glasses since my frames broke. yeah, they're purple. purple frames.
eh. i'm bored of this already, but feel compelled to post this so there's something,anything up there that's in this month.
man. i'm so lame.
11.17.2003
long time, no post.
you know, i read jon's thingy a lot, like everyday. and i've started to read a few others he had linked from his site. and i get so annoyed when people don't put up new posts. like, hello?? you have something better to do?? yeah, i didn't think so. then i was thinking, boy you're awfully hypocritical, there, aren't ya? even though i know no one reads this. i felt bad just the same.
so, here goes.
so what's changed? not too much. been livin with the boy for a few months now. all is smooth sailing. things are even better than they were before we did this. i think his need to plan every second that we're together had abated since i don't go anywhere now. this is a good thing.
we made our big trip back east. what a friggin whirlwind! i started to get sick before we leftm but some how kept it at bay. which is a good thing.
alex met everyone, everyone met him. everyone seems to like each other. or so they say. it seems like my time with jon was so short, which made me sad. barely got to see melissa at all, which also made me sad. leaving grampa made me sad. i even started to cry. he's not doing well. it's hard to see him like that.
i did better flying that i had expected. that was good. but once we got back, my illness hit me full force. i've been completely miserable since then. congestion, sore thraot, earache, body aches, and the worst, this awful awful cough. that HURTS. you know the kind, when your lungs feel like they're on fire and your sides ache from coughing. the kind that you ccan't get sleep with, the kind that keeps your boyfriend up at night, the kind that sends the cat that was sleeping next to you skyrocketing across your boyfriends face in the middle of the night.
and it's not getting better. in fact, it's worse. nothing i can buy at cvs is helping one iota. so i'm finally going to the dr today. i hope they can give me something.
so, here goes.
so what's changed? not too much. been livin with the boy for a few months now. all is smooth sailing. things are even better than they were before we did this. i think his need to plan every second that we're together had abated since i don't go anywhere now. this is a good thing.
we made our big trip back east. what a friggin whirlwind! i started to get sick before we leftm but some how kept it at bay. which is a good thing.
alex met everyone, everyone met him. everyone seems to like each other. or so they say. it seems like my time with jon was so short, which made me sad. barely got to see melissa at all, which also made me sad. leaving grampa made me sad. i even started to cry. he's not doing well. it's hard to see him like that.
i did better flying that i had expected. that was good. but once we got back, my illness hit me full force. i've been completely miserable since then. congestion, sore thraot, earache, body aches, and the worst, this awful awful cough. that HURTS. you know the kind, when your lungs feel like they're on fire and your sides ache from coughing. the kind that you ccan't get sleep with, the kind that keeps your boyfriend up at night, the kind that sends the cat that was sleeping next to you skyrocketing across your boyfriends face in the middle of the night.
and it's not getting better. in fact, it's worse. nothing i can buy at cvs is helping one iota. so i'm finally going to the dr today. i hope they can give me something.
10.27.2003
theatre bizarre
this wknd we went to the biggest, best party i have ever been to in my life. check it out.
i love halloween things, always have. so when alex suggested we go to this thing, i was like, yeah ok. i had NO IDEA what we were in for. he didn't either. his coworkers started this thing and it's jsut so big and IMPRESSIVE. nothing about it is half-assed.
started out with needing costumes. so i rented us charlemagne and queen catherine costumes. he was so freaking adorable in his little hat and tunic!
so we go there and you need to enter through a haunted house. not much of a haunted house, per se, but the end you walk through a dark room, get completely disoriented, then have to walk out through a tunnel that is all fog and a black strobe light. you cannot see A THING. but, the people on the other side of the tunnel can see YOU!. omg, if i could have only seen us.... first of all alex got us lost in the black room, so we were in there for longer than we should have been. then somehow i ended up in front, inching our way out with his arms wrapped around me from behind. let's just say when we got out there were these two huge security guys laughing their asses off at us! and i don't blame them one bit.
so on the otherside, it was 3 main areas. it was like a giant haunted carnival. the main stage, where bands played, different little stands all around, a tent (which was nice to go under sometimes as it was raining off and on) then the area on the otehr side that was a huge dj area with a big sreen and more booths.
let's not forget the 6 or 7 beer stations. it was all you could drink. i've never had so much beer before. it was such a fucking good time. the ENTIRE night.
i want to go again!
i love halloween things, always have. so when alex suggested we go to this thing, i was like, yeah ok. i had NO IDEA what we were in for. he didn't either. his coworkers started this thing and it's jsut so big and IMPRESSIVE. nothing about it is half-assed.
started out with needing costumes. so i rented us charlemagne and queen catherine costumes. he was so freaking adorable in his little hat and tunic!
so we go there and you need to enter through a haunted house. not much of a haunted house, per se, but the end you walk through a dark room, get completely disoriented, then have to walk out through a tunnel that is all fog and a black strobe light. you cannot see A THING. but, the people on the other side of the tunnel can see YOU!. omg, if i could have only seen us.... first of all alex got us lost in the black room, so we were in there for longer than we should have been. then somehow i ended up in front, inching our way out with his arms wrapped around me from behind. let's just say when we got out there were these two huge security guys laughing their asses off at us! and i don't blame them one bit.
so on the otherside, it was 3 main areas. it was like a giant haunted carnival. the main stage, where bands played, different little stands all around, a tent (which was nice to go under sometimes as it was raining off and on) then the area on the otehr side that was a huge dj area with a big sreen and more booths.
let's not forget the 6 or 7 beer stations. it was all you could drink. i've never had so much beer before. it was such a fucking good time. the ENTIRE night.
i want to go again!
10.15.2003
giving it a try
i've seen this 100 things about myself thing a lot of people do. can i hack it? let's see:
1. i have no "full" siblings only "half's"
2. i always cut/grow my hair over and over again cyclically. on the grow side now.
3. i am living in ann arbor for the second time in my life.
4. i never in ten million years pictured myself in michigan.
5. i love my job.
6. i consider myself very luck that i love what i do for a living.
7. i have a secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer.
8. i weigh about twice what i should.
9. i am incredibly self conscious of my size/body.
10. if i could i would get bariatric surgery in a second.
11. i have been trying to for 5 years.
12. my size does not bother me as much as it used to.
13. all the boys i had crushes on growing up are gay.
14. my first true love was a woman.
15. i don't ever believe i will love someone with that much intensity again.
16. i have never loved and gotten hurt so deeply before.
17. crack almost sompletely destroyed my life.
18. i have never even seen crack.
19. i have learned the very very hard way that love and support and sacrifice cannot change a person. only they can.
20. i have attempted suicide twice in my life.
21. the first time was an attention thing. the second time was real.
22. i have scars i am forced to face every single day for the rest of my life because of it. physically and emotionally.
23. i have never admitted this to my mother.
24. i resent my mother for not protecting me from getting raped when i was 16.
25. i was attacked once in my apartment by a guy who broke in.
26. it was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
27. i still to this day have issues with being home alone.
28. i love croutons.
29. i love broccoli.
30. i love my friends and wish i wasn't so far from them.
31. i have no doubt that moving back here was the right decision for me.
32. i own a condo i don't live in.
33. i never expected to find someone to love me again so easily.
34. or to accept all that i am and all that i've been through without hesitation.
35. it was difficult to explain my scars to my boyfriend.
36. i love my cat isaac very much.
37. isaac knows when i'm upset and comforts me.
38. my strength in bad situations amazes me.
39. i feel like this is my time to be happy.
40. financially, it will take me a very long to dig myself out of the hole that i'm in.
41. i do not want to marry alex until my finances are in order.
42. i expect to be mrs. hamlin someday.
43. i want to have children.
44. i refuse to have children until/unless i am in better physical shape.
45. when i think of my life last year at this time, i marvel at how far i've come.
46. i miss my grandfather.
47. i am afraid of my grandfather dying when i am not around for him.
48. i will always regret not seeing mimi the night she died.
49. i wish i knew my father.
50. i wish i was closer to my siblings.
(i have to work now, i'll finish later.)
1. i have no "full" siblings only "half's"
2. i always cut/grow my hair over and over again cyclically. on the grow side now.
3. i am living in ann arbor for the second time in my life.
4. i never in ten million years pictured myself in michigan.
5. i love my job.
6. i consider myself very luck that i love what i do for a living.
7. i have a secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer.
8. i weigh about twice what i should.
9. i am incredibly self conscious of my size/body.
10. if i could i would get bariatric surgery in a second.
11. i have been trying to for 5 years.
12. my size does not bother me as much as it used to.
13. all the boys i had crushes on growing up are gay.
14. my first true love was a woman.
15. i don't ever believe i will love someone with that much intensity again.
16. i have never loved and gotten hurt so deeply before.
17. crack almost sompletely destroyed my life.
18. i have never even seen crack.
19. i have learned the very very hard way that love and support and sacrifice cannot change a person. only they can.
20. i have attempted suicide twice in my life.
21. the first time was an attention thing. the second time was real.
22. i have scars i am forced to face every single day for the rest of my life because of it. physically and emotionally.
23. i have never admitted this to my mother.
24. i resent my mother for not protecting me from getting raped when i was 16.
25. i was attacked once in my apartment by a guy who broke in.
26. it was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
27. i still to this day have issues with being home alone.
28. i love croutons.
29. i love broccoli.
30. i love my friends and wish i wasn't so far from them.
31. i have no doubt that moving back here was the right decision for me.
32. i own a condo i don't live in.
33. i never expected to find someone to love me again so easily.
34. or to accept all that i am and all that i've been through without hesitation.
35. it was difficult to explain my scars to my boyfriend.
36. i love my cat isaac very much.
37. isaac knows when i'm upset and comforts me.
38. my strength in bad situations amazes me.
39. i feel like this is my time to be happy.
40. financially, it will take me a very long to dig myself out of the hole that i'm in.
41. i do not want to marry alex until my finances are in order.
42. i expect to be mrs. hamlin someday.
43. i want to have children.
44. i refuse to have children until/unless i am in better physical shape.
45. when i think of my life last year at this time, i marvel at how far i've come.
46. i miss my grandfather.
47. i am afraid of my grandfather dying when i am not around for him.
48. i will always regret not seeing mimi the night she died.
49. i wish i knew my father.
50. i wish i was closer to my siblings.
(i have to work now, i'll finish later.)
10.13.2003
i'm in
it's official. we're living together. moved over most of my clothing yesterday. the rest of the stuff will come in bits and pieces. he's so adorable i swear.
so my car is in bad shape, (of course, it's mine), and i need to get it fixed. my check engine light came on which freaked me out. so now alex insists i drive his car until i can get mine fixed. how sweet is that? i LOVE his car...
so my car is in bad shape, (of course, it's mine), and i need to get it fixed. my check engine light came on which freaked me out. so now alex insists i drive his car until i can get mine fixed. how sweet is that? i LOVE his car...
10.06.2003
it's all changed
i don't know what calm had decended on me today but suddenly i have no fear, no anxiety, no doubt, nothing but love for my boyfriend. and i feel completely ready to take that next step and to officially move in together.
i can't tell you why or how it all changed, it just did. nothing was different this weekend than any other weekend. nothing was different last night or this morning even. not a thing. except my attitude.
i guess i should share this bit of info with him tonight, huh?
i can't tell you why or how it all changed, it just did. nothing was different this weekend than any other weekend. nothing was different last night or this morning even. not a thing. except my attitude.
i guess i should share this bit of info with him tonight, huh?
10.01.2003
a tired and happy girl
so after the day of sadness my boy and i spent all night talking and laughing and crying and listening and relating and just holding and loving each other.
i feel much better abot everything now, although i'm veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeepy!
i feel much better abot everything now, although i'm veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeepy!
9.30.2003
sadness...
why am i so sad? i guess it started when we had the moving in talk, that left me sad. i jsut can't see to stop being sad. alex noticed, of course, and suggested we "call in sad" to work today and just spend some time together. i guess i probably should have. oh well.
so am i screwing things up by being sad? on the one hand it scares me to show him i'm sad. i'm afraid he'll be concerned about my.. ahem... past actions. NOT that he should be. i mean that was something completely unreal. but i think that nags me in the back of my head. even though he's never been anything but understanding and compassionate.
one thing that has been swirling in my head is a certain ex. i'm only talking about the good parts. the comfort level wwe had with each other. the excitement and spontaneaty we had. the romance. the laughter. take the bad stuff out and we were undoubtedly made for each other. i find myself comparing those things to what i have with alex. which, i guess, of course, is inevitable.
these are some of the comparisons... level of comfort: well, after being together for 6 years of course there will be a certain high level of comfort. and i think, for 4 months, we certainly are very comfortable with each other. i think i'm talking more day-to-day stuff and that stuff will come with time.
excitement? spontanaety? no, not really. it's odd. we do stuff. i'm content. but i think i miss the forcefulness and resolve that she had. the initiative that made up for my apathy. when you're both apathetic, not much gets done. and he needs to plan EVERYTHING and it does drive me nuts. finally on saturday after grilling me about "what are we going to do? watch tv? ok, what are we goign to watch? do you like this?" over and over until he finally said "or i can shut up, we can watch this, and i can stop trying to plan every minute of the day" and i'm like "you finally got it!"
romance? eh. yes and no. he's so loving and so affetionate. and i need that, i know that. stupid stuff like nina used to slap my ass a lot and i liked that, i'm not ashamed to admit. althoug she brought it into overkill. now he's suddenly started doing that. well, ok! don't know where that came from, but yay! she'd write me poems and pick me wildflowers. ok, i understand that's not the "norm" but it was great! he's getting the idea that i like flowers so that's happening more and he does try, it's jsut not natural for him, and i understand that.
laughter? yes. and times it is coming out more. the silliness and playfulness. i've seen glimpses of it, i know it can be there. i jsut need to make it happen. and when i'm miss gloom and doom i know that certainly does not help!
i guess i don't feel that desperate, all comsuming, i'll die if i lose it kind of love with him. the hig emotion bursting in tears or in laughter all the time kind of love. but is that because she was my first true love? maybe. i don't know. and i do love him. when i'm not with him i want to be. i'm a better person when i'm with him. he's very good to me and loves me and takes care of me.
so what is my problem???
so am i screwing things up by being sad? on the one hand it scares me to show him i'm sad. i'm afraid he'll be concerned about my.. ahem... past actions. NOT that he should be. i mean that was something completely unreal. but i think that nags me in the back of my head. even though he's never been anything but understanding and compassionate.
one thing that has been swirling in my head is a certain ex. i'm only talking about the good parts. the comfort level wwe had with each other. the excitement and spontaneaty we had. the romance. the laughter. take the bad stuff out and we were undoubtedly made for each other. i find myself comparing those things to what i have with alex. which, i guess, of course, is inevitable.
these are some of the comparisons... level of comfort: well, after being together for 6 years of course there will be a certain high level of comfort. and i think, for 4 months, we certainly are very comfortable with each other. i think i'm talking more day-to-day stuff and that stuff will come with time.
excitement? spontanaety? no, not really. it's odd. we do stuff. i'm content. but i think i miss the forcefulness and resolve that she had. the initiative that made up for my apathy. when you're both apathetic, not much gets done. and he needs to plan EVERYTHING and it does drive me nuts. finally on saturday after grilling me about "what are we going to do? watch tv? ok, what are we goign to watch? do you like this?" over and over until he finally said "or i can shut up, we can watch this, and i can stop trying to plan every minute of the day" and i'm like "you finally got it!"
romance? eh. yes and no. he's so loving and so affetionate. and i need that, i know that. stupid stuff like nina used to slap my ass a lot and i liked that, i'm not ashamed to admit. althoug she brought it into overkill. now he's suddenly started doing that. well, ok! don't know where that came from, but yay! she'd write me poems and pick me wildflowers. ok, i understand that's not the "norm" but it was great! he's getting the idea that i like flowers so that's happening more and he does try, it's jsut not natural for him, and i understand that.
laughter? yes. and times it is coming out more. the silliness and playfulness. i've seen glimpses of it, i know it can be there. i jsut need to make it happen. and when i'm miss gloom and doom i know that certainly does not help!
i guess i don't feel that desperate, all comsuming, i'll die if i lose it kind of love with him. the hig emotion bursting in tears or in laughter all the time kind of love. but is that because she was my first true love? maybe. i don't know. and i do love him. when i'm not with him i want to be. i'm a better person when i'm with him. he's very good to me and loves me and takes care of me.
so what is my problem???
9.26.2003
home
so we had the moving in together talk. i have to say, i think it went pretty poorly. not in topic. i mean, i know he wants to and that's no surprise, but i had 3 questions to ask him and his answers weren't really what i expected:
#1 Why do you want to live with me
#2 What do you envision changing once that happens and
#3 When do you see this happening
Answers were very logical, very not emotional. including things like "it will be more convenient." "we won't have to keep up both houses", "it will be better for the cats"
After like an hour of talking I was finally to the point of "say something nice about me and wanting to do this that had nothing to do with cats!"
so then of course he did. and it was all good stuff. and i felt better. and he said that he hadn't said any of that because it goes without saying that he'd feel that way. he was looking at the more logical, analytical side. and that "girls are wierd. they need to hear things to believe them."
we talked about the things that are problematic, namely my condo. his quesion was "do you consider that home?" and i didn't know what to say.
home. interesting concept. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and haven't had a "home" in a long long time. the last time i sorta felt settled was in farmington with matt, really. alex said it seemed strange to him that i'd want to spend all this time, energy (and money) to make my condo my home, when we should be starting to think about building a home together.
i don't know why the whole thing left me feeling kind of sad. i don't know why, really.
it ended up coming down to this for now: we need to address the cats and how that's going to work. once that happens, i'll move my clothes and stuff over to his house, but will maintain my condo... until we decide otherwise.
and i sadi to him that it will always be "his house." especially while i still have my condo. and that can potentially get wierd. not that i really think so, but my past is rearing it's ugly head of memories which is probably why i'm freaking.
bottom line? i'm scared. but i don't really know why.
#1 Why do you want to live with me
#2 What do you envision changing once that happens and
#3 When do you see this happening
Answers were very logical, very not emotional. including things like "it will be more convenient." "we won't have to keep up both houses", "it will be better for the cats"
After like an hour of talking I was finally to the point of "say something nice about me and wanting to do this that had nothing to do with cats!"
so then of course he did. and it was all good stuff. and i felt better. and he said that he hadn't said any of that because it goes without saying that he'd feel that way. he was looking at the more logical, analytical side. and that "girls are wierd. they need to hear things to believe them."
we talked about the things that are problematic, namely my condo. his quesion was "do you consider that home?" and i didn't know what to say.
home. interesting concept. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and haven't had a "home" in a long long time. the last time i sorta felt settled was in farmington with matt, really. alex said it seemed strange to him that i'd want to spend all this time, energy (and money) to make my condo my home, when we should be starting to think about building a home together.
i don't know why the whole thing left me feeling kind of sad. i don't know why, really.
it ended up coming down to this for now: we need to address the cats and how that's going to work. once that happens, i'll move my clothes and stuff over to his house, but will maintain my condo... until we decide otherwise.
and i sadi to him that it will always be "his house." especially while i still have my condo. and that can potentially get wierd. not that i really think so, but my past is rearing it's ugly head of memories which is probably why i'm freaking.
bottom line? i'm scared. but i don't really know why.
9.24.2003
am i ready?
so, yeah, we've been living out of bags for about 3 months now. more me than alex as we usually stay at his place. as mine is still in limbo and all that. it was easy in the summer, throw a shirt and some capris in a bag and i'm good to go. well now that it's getting colder it's getting more complicated. we're gonna be talking sweaters, boots, hair dryers, etc etc...
so alex tells me, bring more stuff over here. bring your clothes and leave them here. and i said "what? and pack a bag to go to my house?" and he's like "yeah" but i don't know. i don't want to do that, but why am i resisting?
so alex tells me, bring more stuff over here. bring your clothes and leave them here. and i said "what? and pack a bag to go to my house?" and he's like "yeah" but i don't know. i don't want to do that, but why am i resisting?
9.19.2003
my kitties
i love isaac. he's so my buddy. so many nights he's kept me company and comforted me and stayed with me during the most horrendous of situations. i never connected like that with newtie... hayes is cool, but still too much of a kitten. but i digress. i was so thrilled to have isaac back with me, in our own house, however ghetto it is. i got hayes thinking they'd be buddies, but that has not gone well at all. then there's the added problem that he wants to go out. which, truthfully, is ok with me. BUT my street is kinda busy, i'm near one of THE busiest streets and it does make me nervous. but i know isaac can take care of himself. i watch him check before he crosses the street, he's really good about it actually.
the problem is this... well meaning neighbors. isaac has a collar with his name, our address and my phone number on it. in the last month i can't tell you how many calls i've gotten from people saying my cat is in their yard. and that's all well and good, but, really it's ok that he's outside. people don't get it. and i understand the concern they have. especially that he's declawed. i try to explain that he doens't KNOW he's declawed and can kick some serious ass.
however, it seems that my practice of letting my cat is jsut NOT ok with lots of people.
and yes, he's been out at very inopportune times. like eveytime alex and i have gone away for 2 or 3 days. kim goes and checks on him but inevitably there's some fiasco.
there's been 2 very disturbing events though and i'm thinking more and more that maybe he should go back to my mom's house. NOT that i want him to go, but maybe it's better for him in the long run.
we alex and i talked about it last night and his suggestion is to switch, and see what happens. he takes isaac to the bigger house, that once he's ready, is a good neighborhood for him to roam in. and i take griff so the kittens can have playmates.
i suppose it's worth a try. i guess. on the one hand i think, great! i'll see more of isaac since we're usually at alex's. but with TWO kittens at my place, a lot more time will need to be spent there.
i guess we'll see.
the problem is this... well meaning neighbors. isaac has a collar with his name, our address and my phone number on it. in the last month i can't tell you how many calls i've gotten from people saying my cat is in their yard. and that's all well and good, but, really it's ok that he's outside. people don't get it. and i understand the concern they have. especially that he's declawed. i try to explain that he doens't KNOW he's declawed and can kick some serious ass.
however, it seems that my practice of letting my cat is jsut NOT ok with lots of people.
and yes, he's been out at very inopportune times. like eveytime alex and i have gone away for 2 or 3 days. kim goes and checks on him but inevitably there's some fiasco.
there's been 2 very disturbing events though and i'm thinking more and more that maybe he should go back to my mom's house. NOT that i want him to go, but maybe it's better for him in the long run.
we alex and i talked about it last night and his suggestion is to switch, and see what happens. he takes isaac to the bigger house, that once he's ready, is a good neighborhood for him to roam in. and i take griff so the kittens can have playmates.
i suppose it's worth a try. i guess. on the one hand i think, great! i'll see more of isaac since we're usually at alex's. but with TWO kittens at my place, a lot more time will need to be spent there.
i guess we'll see.
9.17.2003
birthday boy
ah, it's finally alex's birthday. i hope everything goes well. i feel like i have so much i still have to do.... oh wait. that's becasue i do!
the canvas transfer thing isn't going so well. maybe i'll get lucky when i look at them today. maybe.
then there's the pie, oh i'll write about that tomorrow i'm sure. ha ha... we'll see. i put a lot of effort into this i hope it goes ok.
the canvas transfer thing isn't going so well. maybe i'll get lucky when i look at them today. maybe.
then there's the pie, oh i'll write about that tomorrow i'm sure. ha ha... we'll see. i put a lot of effort into this i hope it goes ok.
9.15.2003
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