Taken a picture naked? of myself? no. no. no. no one needs that.
Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes indeed.
Told a lie? Yeah.
Gotten in a car with people you just met? I don't think so. I did almost take a motorcycle ride with these guys a friend and i had just met at the beach. That would have been REALLY stupid.
Been in a fist fight? Yes.
Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back? Who hasn't?
Been arrested? Yes.
Left your house without telling your parents? Who knows, they didn't really pay much attention, so probably.
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yep, both high school and college
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes. i think so.
Slept in until 3? I must have at some point.
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Not recently enough
Played dress up? Yes.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. (Missed way to much art history to say I have a minor in it).
Felt an earthquake? No.
Touched a snake? Certainly not on purpose.
Ran a red light? Like 2 days ago.
Had detention? Yes.
Been in a car accident? Yes, 3 or 4
Pole danced? Ha!!!! Again, no one needs that!
Been lost? Oh, so many times. Figuratively and literally.
Sang karaoke? no no no.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn?t? more times than I can recount
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Maybe? I don't remember a specific moment or anything though. Should do that.
Sang in the shower? Yes, but the car is definitely more my thing. I'm a rockstar. Sinigng duets with Matt were my favorite car experiences.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.
Ever gone to school partially naked? What does this mean? I'll go with no.
Sat on a roof top? i think so.
Played chicken? No.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. (This was not an invitation, I don't need any of you getting any ideas.)
Been told you?re hot by a complete stranger? Only at gas stations by questionable men. Oh, and that one guy in traffic on 94. That was funny, although I don't think he said "hot" per se.
Broken a bone? Nope
Mooned/flashed someone? nope
Forgotten someone?s name? All the time.
Slept naked? Yep.
Blacked out from drinking? Never. never even gotten sick.
Played a prank on someone? Yes.
Felt like killing someone? Oh yes
Made a parent cry? Certainly
Cried over someone? Way too often.
Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? sadly, no.
Had/Have a dog? A few times but only briefly.
Been in a band? No, sadly.
Drank 25 sodas in a day? eek. no. that's a lot of soda!
Shot a gun? No, other than arcade type things. they scare me.
3.29.2006
What's wrong with people?
Last night my purse was taken while we were at our yoga class. I left it in my locker (unlocked) I know, I know but it's a fixed number of people there, not a general public kind of place and we all do that. It was under my coat as always. It was so upsetting. It was "found" later but whoever had it had rifled through my wallet and had taken all the gift cards/reward things from stores that I had. Wedding presents and such. Thankfully that was all, my credit cards were all there (even though we cancelled them anyway for safety) and my license and brand-new-hadn't-even-set-up-voicemail-yet-and-quite-expensive cell phone. so it could have been so much worse. As crappy as it is that all stuff is gone ($400ish worth of stuff) I feel worse for the owner. It's SUCH a small place, it's personal training by appointment so to think one of her clients or trainers is a thief is awful. Alex and I have our suspicions on one person who was acting weird... I'll probably talk to the owner about that later.
3.22.2006
interesting topic
i've been reading all the sites invovled in the "false advertising" debate the last few weeks. alex and i have had this discussion, many times, only in reverse.
he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.
so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?
he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.
so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?
3.16.2006
last night i had the strangest dream...
(and now i can't stop singing that silly "break my stride" song... but i digress)
i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.
i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.
one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.
i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.
i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.
somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.
i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.
now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."
now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?
i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.
i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.
one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.
i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.
i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.
somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.
i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.
now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."
now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?
3.14.2006
i think i've just negated 1/2 my wardrobe
funny, for all the years that i had red hair i hated the color pink. my hatred for pink was deep and everyone who knew me knew how much i hated the color. it was my thing. you know? so having red hair was never an issue.
well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!
anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."
great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!
well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!
anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."
great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!
3.10.2006
6 months
today marks our 6 month wedding anniversary. weird. seems so long and so short all at once. i was listening to the music that we played in the garden on the way into work this morning. ah, memories. all the planning! all the craziness! all the work! all the joy. last year was one hell of a year!
in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.
i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?
and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.
in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.
i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?
and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.
3.09.2006
i hold on to stuff
to a fault. and i know this. but what i'm talking about here is old wounds. it happened again last night.
we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.
i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.
i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.
really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?
we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.
i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.
i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.
really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?
3.03.2006
randomness
funny how you make a comment about not commenting and then you get a comment on your site that you're SURE no one reads.
ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.
anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.
i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...
***
i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.
then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.
yeah, thanks mom.
*sigh*
***
i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.
***
we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)
***
i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.
***
lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.
however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.
alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.
ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.
anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.
i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...
***
i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.
then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.
yeah, thanks mom.
*sigh*
***
i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.
***
we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)
***
i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.
***
lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.
however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.
alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.
2.09.2006
why don't i comment?
it's odd you know, two bloggers who i enjoy quite a bit have said they are turning to password-protected sites. i get it, too many people know about their blogs and they want the freedom back to not self-censor. makes total sense. they even said, just comment and i'll send the info out.. well, i'll send it out if i know who you are. ahhhh yes, the key is there. even during "delurking week" where is was INVITED that you say hello, i still could not. and i actually managed to send a note to both of them today. not to get the information, no, not at all. but to wish them well and to thank them for sharing their lives with me, even though they did know that i was there.
there have been several times i've started a comment, even if all it was was "congrats!" or "great photo!" anything and i never post. ever. what the hell could i possibly be afraid of? rejection? hardly. the like 3 times i've gotten a comment i got so excited i couldn't believe it! someone reads this!!?!? no way! i've not told anyone about this blog, not at all, except for the friend that got me to start it, and i don't think that he even reads it anymore. so those 3 or 4 comments were pretty darn exciting! so why wouldn't other peopel be excited to know there is one more person reading and enjoying their blog? yeah, i've got issues apparently.
in other news, i got an "i don't need to see you unless you have another episode" from the neuro-opthamologist. yay! i do, however, have residual scarring in my left eye from the last attack. not a surprise, i know my color vision has been compromised. i actually only scored 2 plates below "normal" in the color blind test, which, frankly is frightening. but as a designer, i'm quite aware that my color vision stinks. and this fact, it's not good.
oh, right, so as for commenting? yeah, i probably still won't. cuz i'm like that.
there have been several times i've started a comment, even if all it was was "congrats!" or "great photo!" anything and i never post. ever. what the hell could i possibly be afraid of? rejection? hardly. the like 3 times i've gotten a comment i got so excited i couldn't believe it! someone reads this!!?!? no way! i've not told anyone about this blog, not at all, except for the friend that got me to start it, and i don't think that he even reads it anymore. so those 3 or 4 comments were pretty darn exciting! so why wouldn't other peopel be excited to know there is one more person reading and enjoying their blog? yeah, i've got issues apparently.
in other news, i got an "i don't need to see you unless you have another episode" from the neuro-opthamologist. yay! i do, however, have residual scarring in my left eye from the last attack. not a surprise, i know my color vision has been compromised. i actually only scored 2 plates below "normal" in the color blind test, which, frankly is frightening. but as a designer, i'm quite aware that my color vision stinks. and this fact, it's not good.
oh, right, so as for commenting? yeah, i probably still won't. cuz i'm like that.
1.24.2006
happy birthday to me.
and what will i be doing today? going to the neuro-opthamologist 'bout the same thing i did last year on my birthday. except i had awful, painful, blinding tests done last year. which reduced me to a whimpering mess that alex had to lead around the rest of the night. we had to stop for food since it took longer than we thought. at some place i hadn't been so he needed to read me the menu then cut up my food. then we went home and i went straight to bed. it was horrible.
this is the follow up appointment i have been kind of avoiding for awhile. first it was during the honeymoon so i had to reschedule. then it was durig a week where i had other, more important appointments, so i rescheduled. then it was during the week i had off from work, perfect. then THEY called and rescheduled it for today. yeah, thanks. two years in a row, i appreciate that.
we've totally been ignoring my possible health issues. it was easy to hide behind the wedding for a long time. then we had to wait for tests. then when they never called, and just said to schedule the next round for april. (which, incidentally, i was told i had to call after the 1st of january to do. when i called on the second at 9am, april was already booked. go figure).
anyhow, i did not expect today to be anything more than a check up. but, i have been having pain in my left eye for about a month or so. i haven't mentioned it to anyone, not even alex, figured i'd just wait until today and spring it on him in the car on the way to the institute. nice, huh? we've just been so good about avoiding it. i know that's not good, but what else is there to do? it's some looming prospect that keeps us waiting every 6 months to see, do i have any lesions yet? not so fun. and i know so many have it so worse and i'm not complaining, i'm just, trying not to worry.. you know, until i have to.
BUT i could think of better ways to spend my birthday.
this is the follow up appointment i have been kind of avoiding for awhile. first it was during the honeymoon so i had to reschedule. then it was durig a week where i had other, more important appointments, so i rescheduled. then it was during the week i had off from work, perfect. then THEY called and rescheduled it for today. yeah, thanks. two years in a row, i appreciate that.
we've totally been ignoring my possible health issues. it was easy to hide behind the wedding for a long time. then we had to wait for tests. then when they never called, and just said to schedule the next round for april. (which, incidentally, i was told i had to call after the 1st of january to do. when i called on the second at 9am, april was already booked. go figure).
anyhow, i did not expect today to be anything more than a check up. but, i have been having pain in my left eye for about a month or so. i haven't mentioned it to anyone, not even alex, figured i'd just wait until today and spring it on him in the car on the way to the institute. nice, huh? we've just been so good about avoiding it. i know that's not good, but what else is there to do? it's some looming prospect that keeps us waiting every 6 months to see, do i have any lesions yet? not so fun. and i know so many have it so worse and i'm not complaining, i'm just, trying not to worry.. you know, until i have to.
BUT i could think of better ways to spend my birthday.
1.03.2006
happy new year!
thanks goodness we rang in the new year better than christmas!
it was actually quite lovely. we spent time with some dear friends and some new friends. had a fun night of laughs and joy and tons of food (including some gingerbread i had been dying to make. i had kept seeing some at starbucks so i was determined to make some that i could eat, and it was mighty delish if i do say so myself).
then our yoga teacher had invited us to go to another studio where he teaches on new years day for 108 sun salutations to ring in the new year. oh my. that was an event.
i wasn't sure how many i could actually do in a row, but we broke it up into 4 groups of 27 so it was much more doable. it was a lot of fun and a great way to start the new year, even if we are walking funny from all the sore muscles!
hope everyone had a great start to what will be a fabulous year i'm sure!
as my mother in law said: you may not be able to add years to your life but you can add life to your years.
happy 2006!
it was actually quite lovely. we spent time with some dear friends and some new friends. had a fun night of laughs and joy and tons of food (including some gingerbread i had been dying to make. i had kept seeing some at starbucks so i was determined to make some that i could eat, and it was mighty delish if i do say so myself).
then our yoga teacher had invited us to go to another studio where he teaches on new years day for 108 sun salutations to ring in the new year. oh my. that was an event.
i wasn't sure how many i could actually do in a row, but we broke it up into 4 groups of 27 so it was much more doable. it was a lot of fun and a great way to start the new year, even if we are walking funny from all the sore muscles!
hope everyone had a great start to what will be a fabulous year i'm sure!
as my mother in law said: you may not be able to add years to your life but you can add life to your years.
happy 2006!
12.30.2005
what happens in vegas...
..should DEFINITELY stay there.
now i know why this slogan is such a success. seriously. we had the worst. christmas. ever.
i'm too done with it right now to even explain. let's just leave it at i spoke to my mom on the phone on christmas day briefly and i haven't SEEN her since christmas eve. yeah, we were all staying in the same suite. it's not pretty.
i wonder how long it will be before i hear from her again.
i'm still trying to figure out exactly what we did wrong.....
now i know why this slogan is such a success. seriously. we had the worst. christmas. ever.
i'm too done with it right now to even explain. let's just leave it at i spoke to my mom on the phone on christmas day briefly and i haven't SEEN her since christmas eve. yeah, we were all staying in the same suite. it's not pretty.
i wonder how long it will be before i hear from her again.
i'm still trying to figure out exactly what we did wrong.....
12.22.2005
one year ago today
my granfather died.
it was a horrible last month or so for us. i'm so grateful that i got to spend that time with him and that he knew who i was most of the time and we communicated. but it was heartwrenching and so draining on my mom and i. i wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. i woould have loved him to have been able to be at my wedding. but it was his time.
which is why this yeah my family is going to vegas for christmas. it was always my grandpa's big day. he's put on his santa hat and pass out the gifts one by one. we all had our spots where we'd sit and he'd pretend not ot be be able to read the tags then get mad if more than one present for the same person was in a row. he'd save all his gifts until the end. then there was always the traditional "oops i forgot gift." we all miss him terribly.
so this year, a change of pace, and cleaning of the slatem if you will. it will be too painful to go through the old traditions which would really be new anyway since my parents have moved and all... but this year my mom wants vegas. so vegas it is.
we leave tomorrow at 2pm. ought to be interesting.
happy holidays to everyone. hope you spend it the way you hope to with the people you love.
it was a horrible last month or so for us. i'm so grateful that i got to spend that time with him and that he knew who i was most of the time and we communicated. but it was heartwrenching and so draining on my mom and i. i wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. i woould have loved him to have been able to be at my wedding. but it was his time.
which is why this yeah my family is going to vegas for christmas. it was always my grandpa's big day. he's put on his santa hat and pass out the gifts one by one. we all had our spots where we'd sit and he'd pretend not ot be be able to read the tags then get mad if more than one present for the same person was in a row. he'd save all his gifts until the end. then there was always the traditional "oops i forgot gift." we all miss him terribly.
so this year, a change of pace, and cleaning of the slatem if you will. it will be too painful to go through the old traditions which would really be new anyway since my parents have moved and all... but this year my mom wants vegas. so vegas it is.
we leave tomorrow at 2pm. ought to be interesting.
happy holidays to everyone. hope you spend it the way you hope to with the people you love.
12.20.2005
and more with pictures
this weekend i surpassed a milestone that was only a dream 18 months ago. i have now officially lost over 200 pounds. (202 as of today, but who's couting.) i'm within EIGHT pounds of having a "normal" weight. EIGHT POUNDS. i can't believe it.
it's been quite a year i'll admit.
If you're so inclined, take a peek.
it's been quite a year i'll admit.
If you're so inclined, take a peek.
12.12.2005
two rooms down, one to go
we're kicking some serious house butt latey.
in two weekends we conquered the big room. pulled up up the rug, painted, tore down all the tile around the fireplace, tore down that weird railing that seperated it from the kitchen, got new speakers, ran the wiring (through the walls) and put down bamboo floor #2.
oh, and we hung the new ceiling fan too. ok, alex did that, on the top of the 12' ladder. very. carefully. i don't have pictures of that yet.
all we need to do is build the bar, retile around the fireplace, hang the tv and put up the new mantle too. oh, and the curtains. i'm gonna make them. since they need to be 11' tall. and 11' tall curtains are really expensive, especially when you need 6.
but yay!
in two weekends we conquered the big room. pulled up up the rug, painted, tore down all the tile around the fireplace, tore down that weird railing that seperated it from the kitchen, got new speakers, ran the wiring (through the walls) and put down bamboo floor #2.
oh, and we hung the new ceiling fan too. ok, alex did that, on the top of the 12' ladder. very. carefully. i don't have pictures of that yet.
all we need to do is build the bar, retile around the fireplace, hang the tv and put up the new mantle too. oh, and the curtains. i'm gonna make them. since they need to be 11' tall. and 11' tall curtains are really expensive, especially when you need 6.
but yay!
12.05.2005
a new obsession
i love bloglines. i have heard people talk about it and i finally looked into it. i have all the sites i read in my list. it's FABULOUS! i only need to check one place and then i can see if there's anything new. lovely! now, the only problem since it takes up so much less time i need all of you guys to post more often so i have things to keep my occupied! work, bah. who needs it. actually things are picking up so it's very convenient to have this nifty feature. maybe i need some new sites to read. yes, that must be it. i have also, finally, caught up with everything since i stopped reading before the wedding/honeymoon/etc. so i feel all up to date. it's such a strange phenomenon, i feel like i "know" some of these people and clearly i so don't. it's very interesting.
i was so excited, Day, to get a comment from you. and i replied (or tried to) but you didn't put in your email. and i know i can get it from your site, but then i felt like i wasn't sure if i was "supposed" to since you didn't leave it there... i'm new at that, actual comments. it's crazy! but thank you, and i hope all is going well with the move.
i was so excited, Day, to get a comment from you. and i replied (or tried to) but you didn't put in your email. and i know i can get it from your site, but then i felt like i wasn't sure if i was "supposed" to since you didn't leave it there... i'm new at that, actual comments. it's crazy! but thank you, and i hope all is going well with the move.
12.02.2005
and another one?
there's another friend of mine getting divorced. now. also, not a surprise so much though. but still hard. because they have a little boy. alex and i saw this one coming from a mile away though. she's young (25) he's not much older. high-school sweethearts, married for 4 or 5 years now i guess. their son is 3. sounds good right? well it was.
i met her through an online wls support group. she was a few months ahead of me post-op and she helped me through things and we shared our experiences and craziness and all that. she also has become obsessed with "completing her transformation" which has included A LOT of plastic surgery. for months, even before she started, she stopped wearing her wedding ring because it was "too big" and would constantly tell me about the guys hitting on her all the time or checking her out constantly. now, i had surgery 3 months after getting engaged. my ring only fit for a few months, for the rest of the time until about a month before the wedding i had a huge sizer put in. no way was i not wearing it. it was very important to me. (i ended up having to get it sized to a 5 from a 10). and i suppose i must have guys checking me out, but i don't notice. and i think guys flirt with me but i don't pay any heed. partially cuz it's new to me and mostly because i don't care. so it always surprised me that this was a constant topic for her.
so she's done a bunch of plastic surgery and always seems to be going out. she doesn't work (she was ina major car accident that required a major knee operation in which she had to lose weight first, hence the wls, and she just recently had that knee surgery too amidst all the ps). anyway, we just weren't surprised to hear they were separated.
now she did not want to go into the details online, understandable, but i wonder wether it's her wanting to be free to be the new her, if it's him being jealous of the new attention she's receiving and can't handle the way she's treating it, or if there was an event. i guess i'll find out eventually, or maybe i never will. but it's interesting that i was discussing her (abstractly) at my talk this week because i hear of this happening all too often, of relationships/friendships crumbling when you have wls because either the person changes and wants to get out of the relationships they are in or the other people can't handle the change, the new confidence in the person or can't handle being the bigger person (with friendships) etc.
i knew that was a possibility, and i also knew the friendships were too solid for that. thank goodness i was right.
i met her through an online wls support group. she was a few months ahead of me post-op and she helped me through things and we shared our experiences and craziness and all that. she also has become obsessed with "completing her transformation" which has included A LOT of plastic surgery. for months, even before she started, she stopped wearing her wedding ring because it was "too big" and would constantly tell me about the guys hitting on her all the time or checking her out constantly. now, i had surgery 3 months after getting engaged. my ring only fit for a few months, for the rest of the time until about a month before the wedding i had a huge sizer put in. no way was i not wearing it. it was very important to me. (i ended up having to get it sized to a 5 from a 10). and i suppose i must have guys checking me out, but i don't notice. and i think guys flirt with me but i don't pay any heed. partially cuz it's new to me and mostly because i don't care. so it always surprised me that this was a constant topic for her.
so she's done a bunch of plastic surgery and always seems to be going out. she doesn't work (she was ina major car accident that required a major knee operation in which she had to lose weight first, hence the wls, and she just recently had that knee surgery too amidst all the ps). anyway, we just weren't surprised to hear they were separated.
now she did not want to go into the details online, understandable, but i wonder wether it's her wanting to be free to be the new her, if it's him being jealous of the new attention she's receiving and can't handle the way she's treating it, or if there was an event. i guess i'll find out eventually, or maybe i never will. but it's interesting that i was discussing her (abstractly) at my talk this week because i hear of this happening all too often, of relationships/friendships crumbling when you have wls because either the person changes and wants to get out of the relationships they are in or the other people can't handle the change, the new confidence in the person or can't handle being the bigger person (with friendships) etc.
i knew that was a possibility, and i also knew the friendships were too solid for that. thank goodness i was right.
12.01.2005
it's not as sordid as it sounds, i don't think
so i have a friend of mine that i've been friends with for about 13 years or so. not my closest friend by any stretch, but always there and stuck around through my horrible last relationship (including the retreating from everyone, suicide attempt, etc etc) and anyone who stuck around through all that, well, that's a good friend.
anyway. she got married a few weeks after i moved back to michigan. i was unable to afford to be there for it, but sad to say, i did not take it seriously. she was one of those types that felt like she HAD to get married at a certain time. i never liked him and didn't think it was a good idea, but it was not my decision to make. her family is well off and it was a HUGE wedding. HUGE (think over 400 people).
i think they had a pretty rocky one, but she hid a lot from me, her parents, everyone. she's very concerned about appearances, even though i stressed to her that i could relate! can't make someone talk. she'd accidentally send me emails meant for him (we have the same name) and so i got some insight.
i was scared when she started talking about trying to get pregnant to "save" the marriage, cuz that works.
she started talking separating this summer. i urged her to do what was best. but every time she'd start sounding serious she'd back off with excuses like "well, i'm not sure he's take care of the cats if i moved out." and so it continued. i'd gently ask her how things were going and then i got the "we went out to dinner and talked and everything is fine now." yeah, ok, i believe that.
he refused to accompany her to my wedding. she was a bridesmaid. she said they could not afford for both of them to fly here. fair enough, i couldn't afford to go to hers, i understand that. (come to find out later he refused to come because i did not go to theirs and he had forbade her to be in mine, luckily she did not listen. but that's another story). i knew he had destroyed her self-esteem over the 6 years they had been together. she went from the assertive/loud/confident person to a shy/introverted/self-deprecating one. and it was sad to see. i hoped that coming here to michigan and being away from him would help her get the strength to leave him.
now, another good friend of mine that i work with but did not really socialize with was also part of the wedding. the reason we did not socialize is that he was in a horrible relationship too, and it just wasn't a good scene. he's a great guy but she had some major issues, they fought all the time and she was a big drinker and that's just not our scene (they broke up in the summer when she decided she wanted to move to california). like a month before the wedding i asked him if he'd be in charge of the music for the ceremony. it was all being run off an ipod and the processional was rather complicated and having someone in charge was needed. he agreed and we were all set.
now, being my wedding and all, i was a little oblivious to the goings on around me at the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. although i knew all the girls were quite taken by said guy friend. he was their entertainment hands down, which was actually kind of nice. but it wasn't until my side was hanging out after the rehearsal dinner in the hotel lounge when h came up to me and said "dude, you did not TELL me how cute she is!" to which i responded "but she's married." and then one of the other girls pointed out to me that she was not wearing her wedding rings. ponderous.
so my guy friend, being a biker, took the girls on spins around town, which they loved. hell, i love riding on it around town when he rides to work. and everyone was having a good time. end of night, he had to stay, too much to drink and ended up staying in the room with two of the bridesmaids as i was staying with my maid of honor that night.
nothing happened, since it was a group deal and i left on my honeymoon and all was well. when i got back i realized that they had been talking like every day since the wedding and that she had started divorce proceedings.
since then (remember my wedding was sept 10) she's gotten her own apartment, all the papers are filed and the court date is in a few weeks.
now the thing is, my two friends are together now. she did not cheat on her husband while she was here. but they are definitely an item now. she's coming here for the week between christmas and new years. and they wheels are in motion for her to move here at the end of the school year (she's a teacher).
now i never thought of them as a couple, as that was not a possibility in my mind. but knowing them both very well, it works. absolutely. also, knowing them both, i know their feelings are legit. she'd already turning back into the person i knew before. which is so great to see. her friend and family on the east coast don't see it that way. they think she's leaving her husband for him. and that's not the case. at all. her marriage was over a long time ago but since she hid so much from everyone, well, they didn't know.
it's weird now things work out. the prospect of her being here and so close to me again is so not something i ever thought would happen, and truthfully, i'm pretty excited. for them and for me.
anyway. she got married a few weeks after i moved back to michigan. i was unable to afford to be there for it, but sad to say, i did not take it seriously. she was one of those types that felt like she HAD to get married at a certain time. i never liked him and didn't think it was a good idea, but it was not my decision to make. her family is well off and it was a HUGE wedding. HUGE (think over 400 people).
i think they had a pretty rocky one, but she hid a lot from me, her parents, everyone. she's very concerned about appearances, even though i stressed to her that i could relate! can't make someone talk. she'd accidentally send me emails meant for him (we have the same name) and so i got some insight.
i was scared when she started talking about trying to get pregnant to "save" the marriage, cuz that works.
she started talking separating this summer. i urged her to do what was best. but every time she'd start sounding serious she'd back off with excuses like "well, i'm not sure he's take care of the cats if i moved out." and so it continued. i'd gently ask her how things were going and then i got the "we went out to dinner and talked and everything is fine now." yeah, ok, i believe that.
he refused to accompany her to my wedding. she was a bridesmaid. she said they could not afford for both of them to fly here. fair enough, i couldn't afford to go to hers, i understand that. (come to find out later he refused to come because i did not go to theirs and he had forbade her to be in mine, luckily she did not listen. but that's another story). i knew he had destroyed her self-esteem over the 6 years they had been together. she went from the assertive/loud/confident person to a shy/introverted/self-deprecating one. and it was sad to see. i hoped that coming here to michigan and being away from him would help her get the strength to leave him.
now, another good friend of mine that i work with but did not really socialize with was also part of the wedding. the reason we did not socialize is that he was in a horrible relationship too, and it just wasn't a good scene. he's a great guy but she had some major issues, they fought all the time and she was a big drinker and that's just not our scene (they broke up in the summer when she decided she wanted to move to california). like a month before the wedding i asked him if he'd be in charge of the music for the ceremony. it was all being run off an ipod and the processional was rather complicated and having someone in charge was needed. he agreed and we were all set.
now, being my wedding and all, i was a little oblivious to the goings on around me at the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. although i knew all the girls were quite taken by said guy friend. he was their entertainment hands down, which was actually kind of nice. but it wasn't until my side was hanging out after the rehearsal dinner in the hotel lounge when h came up to me and said "dude, you did not TELL me how cute she is!" to which i responded "but she's married." and then one of the other girls pointed out to me that she was not wearing her wedding rings. ponderous.
so my guy friend, being a biker, took the girls on spins around town, which they loved. hell, i love riding on it around town when he rides to work. and everyone was having a good time. end of night, he had to stay, too much to drink and ended up staying in the room with two of the bridesmaids as i was staying with my maid of honor that night.
nothing happened, since it was a group deal and i left on my honeymoon and all was well. when i got back i realized that they had been talking like every day since the wedding and that she had started divorce proceedings.
since then (remember my wedding was sept 10) she's gotten her own apartment, all the papers are filed and the court date is in a few weeks.
now the thing is, my two friends are together now. she did not cheat on her husband while she was here. but they are definitely an item now. she's coming here for the week between christmas and new years. and they wheels are in motion for her to move here at the end of the school year (she's a teacher).
now i never thought of them as a couple, as that was not a possibility in my mind. but knowing them both very well, it works. absolutely. also, knowing them both, i know their feelings are legit. she'd already turning back into the person i knew before. which is so great to see. her friend and family on the east coast don't see it that way. they think she's leaving her husband for him. and that's not the case. at all. her marriage was over a long time ago but since she hid so much from everyone, well, they didn't know.
it's weird now things work out. the prospect of her being here and so close to me again is so not something i ever thought would happen, and truthfully, i'm pretty excited. for them and for me.
11.30.2005
the pleasure was all mine
so my caseworker lady from my surgical group left that old group to start a new one nearer to me. (mine was over an hour away). i never had gone to any of the support group or post-op meetings because they were always on like a wednesday evening at 6 and there was no way i could get our of work exactly on time, fight the rush hour traffic and hope to get there even remotely on time. anyway... after i got back from the honeymoon, said case worker called me and told me about her new position and asked if i'd be willing to come and be a guest speaker at their first meeting. i was pretty flattered that she asked me and i of course readily agreed.
the meeting was last night. i took great pains to make sure i looked good, dragged out the makeup, did the hair, everything. debated on what to wear, knowing everyone would be checking out my body closely as I did to older pre-ops back then. i wore what i consider The Best Jeans Ever? (yes, i stole that from seeing Cecily's references to her dog. my apologies for the rip-off). ANYWAY, so the jeans. they are fabulous. and a red button down shirt. i was feeling great, of not a bit nervous.
so we get there and go up to the room that we were supposed to and find it locked. well, now i'm confused. we ended up traipsing all over the hospital trying to figure it out then finally found the information desk and they pointed us in the right direction. i was annoyed, since we were told the wrong room, but also since now it looked like i was 20 minutes late, which i HATE being late. but whatever.
we went over all of my pictures that my buddy keith and i had carefully taken and documented along the journey which i think was really helpful for everyone to see. i got to tell my story and even take a lot of q&a and i gotta tell you, i loved it. i loved being able to share my experiences and offer reassurance and as my case worker puts it "be an incredible role model." now, i'm not sure about that last part, but it still felt nice.
and how weird was it that for the first time in my life i was conscious og being the absolutely thinnest person in the room. very strange feeling.
I've come a long way baby.
the meeting was last night. i took great pains to make sure i looked good, dragged out the makeup, did the hair, everything. debated on what to wear, knowing everyone would be checking out my body closely as I did to older pre-ops back then. i wore what i consider The Best Jeans Ever? (yes, i stole that from seeing Cecily's references to her dog. my apologies for the rip-off). ANYWAY, so the jeans. they are fabulous. and a red button down shirt. i was feeling great, of not a bit nervous.
so we get there and go up to the room that we were supposed to and find it locked. well, now i'm confused. we ended up traipsing all over the hospital trying to figure it out then finally found the information desk and they pointed us in the right direction. i was annoyed, since we were told the wrong room, but also since now it looked like i was 20 minutes late, which i HATE being late. but whatever.
we went over all of my pictures that my buddy keith and i had carefully taken and documented along the journey which i think was really helpful for everyone to see. i got to tell my story and even take a lot of q&a and i gotta tell you, i loved it. i loved being able to share my experiences and offer reassurance and as my case worker puts it "be an incredible role model." now, i'm not sure about that last part, but it still felt nice.
and how weird was it that for the first time in my life i was conscious og being the absolutely thinnest person in the room. very strange feeling.
I've come a long way baby.
11.29.2005
thanksgiving
we really did have a lot to be thankful for this year as alex's dad came home thanksgiving morning and we were able ot have our dinner together as planned. everyone was quite relieved. it was a nice time and festive. i brought a few dishes over (that I could eat) and some pies that were no-sugar-added that i made. two pumpkin, two pecan. it's funny as generally no one wants to touch sugar-free stuff and we ended up not having any pie to take home as everyone divvied up the leftovers, even of my splenda cranberry sauce. that was the one everyone ate. go figure!
it's all good, although i was hoping i might get a little pumpkin pie! oh well.
we spent the rest of the weekend working on the house and beginning to look at furniture to put on top of our beautiful new floor. we're starting the next room after christmas, new tile around the fireplace and bamboo in there as well. and the bar. he wants to build a bar. like a breakfast bar type thing. god help me.
we keep this up and i'll be pretty attached to this house. it's already starting with him. and all of these improvements were only uspposed to be for resale. i'm starting to think that things might be changing. but that's ok. i think. for now.
it's all good, although i was hoping i might get a little pumpkin pie! oh well.
we spent the rest of the weekend working on the house and beginning to look at furniture to put on top of our beautiful new floor. we're starting the next room after christmas, new tile around the fireplace and bamboo in there as well. and the bar. he wants to build a bar. like a breakfast bar type thing. god help me.
we keep this up and i'll be pretty attached to this house. it's already starting with him. and all of these improvements were only uspposed to be for resale. i'm starting to think that things might be changing. but that's ok. i think. for now.
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