the new me

so, here it is. 24 weeks since surgery. and no, that doesn't equal 6 months. 6 months will be on december 2.



the first photo is 3 days pre-op and the other one was takes yesterday. it's crazy. things have changed.

pumpkin face

ok, totally unexpected thing happened today.

since alex's schedule has ben so screwy, we don't see each other much. he's asleep when i leave, i'm asleep when he gets home, etc etc. i try to get up when he gets home but if i do it throws me all off so it's hard. so he's been trying to get up early enough to go to the gym and have lunch with me before he has to make the hellish drive to the office where he's training staff.

so today i call tomake sure he's up at 10:30 as usual and to my surprise he's dressed and getting ready to leave. he sas he's coming ot have lunch a little early today. ok... weird. so he calls me when he's outside to come out (he usually jsut walks in and meets me at my desk). ok... then calls right back to say to bring out a garbage bag. huh? a what?

so o grab one and go outside and he susrprised me with 2 big pumpkins and everything we need for carving.

i was a little upset we dind't have time to do them together, and figured we weren't gonna. he was SO proud of himslef that he did this and brought everything we needed so we sat at the picnic table in the yard and carved our pumpkins. he took pictes with us and pumpkins making the same faces we put on the pumpkins. when i have them from him, i'll post.

very fun, very sweet.

time for a change

seems to me that things they are a changin' and i either have to take to this again or scrap it. i feel like i have enough to talk about that maybe it's time to take it up again. course since i changed the tamplate, i'll have to customize and add links back and all that fun stuff, but i'm ok with that. but i don't want to do it yet, not yet. have to see if it sticks this time around. i think it might.

i realize i'm not entirely sure i know who i am anymore.., and i'm not sure why, maybe this will help me figure it out.

way way WAY too long

...since i last wrote in this.

i dn't know why, jsut been too preoccupied with other stuff i guess. my life is so different now.

so today i'm offically eight weeks out from surgery. eight weeks. so long and so short all at the same time. it's funny, becasue as much as i never would admit it my life totally revolved around food all the time. constantly thinking about what i'd eat later, how i could stop and get some fries without anyone knowing. planning things to the point of obseesing about what theperson at drive thru thought of my order. was it too much? did they assume it was all for me? maybe i should order a ton, then they'd know it wasn't for me. once, a loooong time ago i even pretended to be on my cell phone confiming what th other person wanted as an order at thepickup window. you know, so they'd know it wasn't all for me. how sad is that? i've never admitted that before. weird.

so now? my life revolves around food even more! i feel like i'm eating ALL DAY LONG and always trying to plan what my next thing to eat is, having to keep track of everything. it's exhausting. worth it, but exhasuting. in fact went to see a nutritionist for counseling today to ake sure i was on track. crazy.

add in the problem that i'm supposed to be ultra fertile right now, yet i can't get pregnant for 2 years (not that i would before then anyhow) and no concensus seems to be made over what form of bc is best for "us."

and let's not talk about what i eat. cheese. it's all cheese. oh and pork rinds. how effed up is that shit? not what i pictured. but gotta go with what you can "tolerate" there's a word i've grown to hate. oh that and "plateau" ugh.

all in all i guess i can't complain. i've not had any major complications at all.

in other news, we got the garden for the wedding ceremony. i'm stoked about that. a little pricey, but gorgeous. really lovely.

and my mom and dad are coming to visit. in a few weeks. my dad has never been out here, so that's neat. we'll see. my mom wants to go to look at dresses. don't get me wrong, i want to as well, but i have no idea what i'll be like come wedding time, so it's not like i can really pick one out.

oh, and we'll end this on a hppy note. getting reay to go to sleep the other day. all cuddled up and just starting to drift off. very content. out of nowhere alex says "i'm so ready to spend the rest of my life with you."

holy fuck

today is my last day at office. wednesday i go in.

i'm a basket case. totally and completely.

could i be more self-absorbed?

it didn't occur to me until right now that i did not get alex a gift for our big anniversary this wknd. what did he do? oh booked us this fancy place got us all these play tickets. and i knew that, i've known that for awhile. and it never once occured to me that i did not get him a gift. until right now.

i'm SUCH an ass.

19 days left

the more i learn the more m'm freaking out. i've never been in the hospital for a procedure before and now i'm getting my insides completely refigured! i'm not having second thoughts at all, just a little scared.

so, alex talked me into getting those neosporin scar strips thing to try to minimize my scars. i wonder how he really feels about them sometimes. i notice he rubs the insides of my wrists a lot, which always makes me feel a little weird. so the other night i asked him why he was so hot on my using them and he said it was a reminder of a bad time. ok, that's fair.

i guess they really jsut don't bother me as much anymore. i used to not be able to look at my scars without starting to cry or remmebering the feeling of the knife, or the emotions that i went though that day and reliving it over and over and over... so i guess that's a good sign. i don't even know how noticable they are really.

do i wish i had never done it? i mean, i guess the right answer is yes, but since it got me out of the situation, eventually and got me to where i am today, so no, i guess i don't.

something new

i've not talked about american idol yet this season. i dunno. i'm still addicted to it but can someone tell me what is up with all these theme nights? latin? the 'solid as a rock' people? manilow? wha'ts up? now disco night? blows.

jeniifer leaving didn't bother me, i never liked her. can she sing? oh yes. but she annoys me. cna't stand her. i was fine seeing her go. redhead took too long, everyone knows that. but WHY did george go before jasmine? that wasn't right. and if she doens't go this week, well, then, i might be done with the show.

who's going to win? i dunno. i guess i'm rooting for latoya.

in other black women news, i hat to admit it but it does bother me **a little** that i never tlaked ot nina more that for that 30 seconds. i was too hyped up to know what to do with her on the other end of the line, and i think i missed my chance. my chance for what? i'm not entirely sure.

eh.

losers

i'm actually doing a pretty good job at getting less stressed i think. i'm starting to get more and more excited. i'm thinking about all the things that are good: new clothes! rollerblades! biking! hiking! walking, even! wearing my dream wedding gown. having awesome wedding photos, etc etc. it's going to be unbelievable and amazing.

i'm still scared though. scared of coming home with a drain. that scares the bejeezus out of me.

ok, so i need to get this off my chest. there's this whole, well, cult of people who want or have had this surgery and there's all sorts of messageboards, etc.. but i have to tell you... i think it's kinda, well.... gay. they call themselves "losers." LAME. they want to be your "angels" to help you through it. LAME! i mean, i understand the support nature. hell, i even have an angel (gag. she's great but if she signs another email 'your angel' i'm going to lose it).

is that wrong of me? i mean, i'm gonna be one of them. one of them actually said to me "we'll save you a seat at the losers bench." please!!! could that analogy be any worse?? especially since people going through this have little or no self-esteem to begin with. who thought up THAT brilliant name. ugh.

maybe i am just a loser.

*sigh*

so my date has changed. one week later, june 2nd. no big deal, but i'm really disappointed.

23 days

i can't believe i'm having surgery in 23 days. i know this site is goign to turn it's focus to what this is like 100% now, not that it want's before. i'd like to transition to my real url (hello, jon!) so i can post pictures and stuff... we'll see. maybe when i'm home for two weeks recovering, i can get that going.

i'm so freaked out. i am so scared. now that it's real i feel like i know nothing and can't remember anything i'm supposed to do. AH!!!

W04021300140

that's the number that's going ot change my life. my approval code. i feel like getting a tattoo of it.

i have a date

i have a fucking date for surgery!!!!! i don't believe it. i'm in awe.

my mom is not thrilled, i'll have to work through that.

what a year it's been.

so i'll be simultaneously be recovering/adjusting, doing home improvements and planning a wedding.

sheesh.

my whole life is going to change. big time.

I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had my hearing and they were suppose dto tell me tomorr wbut they called like 10 minutes after and TOLD ME I GOT IT!!!!!!

I WON!!!!!!!

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because i like to rip things off and i need a distraction right now

firsts & lasts

firsts
first best friend: stephanie huot
first job: taco bell, baby
first screen name: malatesta
first self purchased album: def leppard "pyromania"
first crush: nathan cullerot in the fourth grade. he used to draw me pictures and buy me candy.
first funeral: a distant relative and i don't really remember, but i remember we walked into the wrong room.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: for the store the weathervane in high scool.
first true love: nina.
first enemy: tonya simpson.
first big trip: i went to mexico and florida and california when i was young, before my mom remarried, but it's vague.
first play/musical/performance: i think it was "the king and i" with my mom. i was really young.

lasts
last cigarette: new orleans, in the funky pirate while drinking horny gators.
last car ride: to work this morning.
last bus ride: in new orleans as a connector and also oak alley plantation the morning i was going to get engaged.
last good cry: good cry? i don't remember. last time i cried, cried was during wedding planning stress.
last library book: "the kid" by dan savage
last movie seen: "13 going on 30"
last beverage drank: fruit2o plus, berry relaxing
last food consumed: salad for lunch
last crush: holly
last phone call: jmac
last tv show watched: 24 last night
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my black work shoes.
last annoyance: a co-worker's stupidity.
last disappointment: my insurance company being stupid.
last ice cream eaten: phish food cone at ben & jerry's free cone day yesterday.
last shirt worn: currently, i'm wearing a white one with blue and blach vertical striping. the last one before this was a turtleneck i wore to work yesterday. thrilling.
last website visited: here. that's where i got this.

what kind of twilight zone am i in?

i don't know when my world got all screwy but i'd like it back to normal please.

yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.

we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.

so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.

it's nina.

WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?

WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.

thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.

as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.

but i'm different now, right?

it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.

so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.

he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.

i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.

i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.

EXCUSE ME????????

after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.

i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.

people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.

sunshine day

saturday we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the more i think about it the more the movie, and what it meant to me, kinda fucked me up. i've been kind of messed up since then. i planned to post all my thoughts on it but i just don't feel like getting into it right now.

i stand corrected

my bad. jon, you're absolutely right. i want to be a choreographer. so bad. maybe i blocked it because secretly in my mind i already am.

been so long...

that there's been a friday five, i didn't bother checking on friday.

1. What do you do for a living?
graphic designer

2. What do you like most about your job?
that i love it

3. What do you like least about your job?
mmm.... when a client makes you do exactly what they want, even when you know it's not in their best interest

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
someone is being stupid. silly drama....

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
i have always wanted to be an astronaut... although that's not as cool these days. honestly when i'm independantly wealthy i want to make jewelry and do design for good causes (like breast cancer awareness, etc...)

getting calmer

i SWORE i'd never be one of those girls who was a mess when it came to her wedding. yeah, that went out the door REALLY quickly. poor alex. i don't envy him the next few months.

but i think i have a little bit of a leg to stand on. first of all, i've only got like 50 people max that i am going to invite. he's got at least 100. at least. that's because he needs to invite EVERYONE he's related to in ANYWAY. and not to be a brat, but i have a little experience here, black families are friggin huge! and he has to invite all his cousins and all their kids and all their kid's kids. and that's only his black side of the family. then he's got his mom's side with is 6 siblings, thier spouses, their kids, UGH! then there's his dad who wants us to do this or do that, or use this place or that. and invite a bunch of HIS friends. at least with his dad i think the answer is clearly "no money, no say." isn't that terrible? but we're footing the bill ourselves completely.

and as far as the extended family goes, i think there should be some sort of age limit (as in really young kids). i also think that if he hasn't seen them it the last year. if i don't even know who they are and if, say, they didn't know he had a girlfriend, i think they could probably be discluded. cuz i've not met 100 people in the past year, i tell you that much.

and i'm NOT having a backyard bbq for my reception. no thanks. or a vfw hall. nope. i'll pull my "i'm the bride, it's about me" card if i have to.

on the upside, i think we're going to spain, that could be really fun.