what kind of twilight zone am i in?

i don't know when my world got all screwy but i'd like it back to normal please.

yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.

we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.

so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.

it's nina.

WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?

WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.

thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.

as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.

but i'm different now, right?

it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.

so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.

he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.

i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.

i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.

EXCUSE ME????????

after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.

i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.

people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.