no five today?

the i just picked an old one randomly from a past year. so there.

Jan 31, 2003

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?
the greatest american hero... beleive it or not iiiiiiiiiiiii'm walkin on air! never thought i could feel so fre-e-eeeeeeee!

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?
snoopy sno-cone maker. but my wonderful boyfriend got me one for christmas this past year!

3. What's the furthest from home you've been?
i guess london or bath.

4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet?
how to make jewelry. hopefully that will change this spring.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
having a fdwq get together tonight. going to lowe's for a flooring demo tomorrow. then going out here tomorrow. not sure about sunday. probably the usual house stuff and groceries. although it IS supposed to be 55 this wknd!!!

ha!

i always thought other people's site referrals were funny to see. and i just saw my first one! the search was for GHETTOASS!!!! what a fantastic first referral! that's so exciting.

drastic measures

ok, ok, so jon thought my post about breaking up with alex was a bit much. yeah, ok. i get that. and it is. and i know i won't. but i'm just so wound up about finding out what's going to happen. i know he doesn't care one way or the other. he's really fantabulous about it. really. it's more about what it is doing/will do to me and my psyche.

more and more i think about how i don't fully appreciate how good i have it right now. ESPECIALLY in contrast to the 6 years of hell i went though. and i can admit that now, it was hell. pure hell. i can't believe i survived it, truly.

melissa asked me where she was the other day. nochalantly. like she used to when she thought i was lying to her (which i always was)... that kind of threw me. like, do you really think she's still around?? and i guess she did. and after me lying to her for so long i guess i shouldn't be surprised.

truthfully, i do wonder a little bit about where she is. if she's got her shit together or if she's still smoking crack. i have to assume she is, that she's found someone else to take advantage of (and for my own sanity). i mean, after 34 years things aren't gonna change overnight.

so as i was saying... i've got it good. and i need to remember that. and realize that i've found someone who treats me as i should be treated... like someone he loves. not someone to manipulate and twist and play and use and hurt over and over and over again...

still hope, only a glimmer

so, my file is in review with the medical board. there's still hope. i guess. still makes me want to puke.

one of the sheep

a music meme

1. open your mp3 player.
2. put all of your music on random.
3. list the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing

1. drive - melissa ferrick
2. friday - daniel beddingfield
3. sister christian - knight ranger
4. desire - u2
5. rosa parks - outkast
6. i do - 3lw f. loon
7. what up gangsta - 50 cent
8. i think i'm in love with you - jessica simpson
9. oh my god - pink f. peaches
10. solitary man - neil diamond

and because everyone else did it twice:

1. sunday morning - maroon5
2. both hands - ani difranco
3. baby got back - sir mix-a-lot
4. i think it's better - jill scott
5. tonight, not again - jason mraz
6. i wanna be with you - mandy moore
7. crazy - testosterone kills
8. volcano - damien rice
9. caught in the rain - revis
10. woodburning - toad the wet sprocket

trying not to think about it

i'm really trying not to think about the fact that i'm still waiting. i've completely resigned myself to the fact that it's not happening. and i'm trying to leave it at that.

instead, i'm trying to focus on the impending trip. oh yes, we leave in 10 days for new orleans! i'm excited as i've never been there. i do wish jon was coming but i'm so psyched for him that he's going to london. i'm still trying to finalize my tattoo design, although i'm not sure i'm ready for this one just yet. better get on it though.

in other news, and this is really shameful to admit, i'm trying to get my site up like jon and kia have done. i've got the domain, but that's about it! i can't figure out what to do now. i want to do it in movable type like they did but i don't have the time to commit to figure it out. but now that i have the domain and the host, it seems silly not to do it. plus i should be able to figure it out. alex could help me, but i really don't want him to know where this is. how awful is that? i don't want him to see what i write about him. i suppose the makes me a bad girlfriend. eh, oh well.

eventually i'll get it together. i hope.

so much pressure!

jon is the one that made me start this, and the only one that knew about it. and now he tells me that people are linking to me!!! oh christ. i can't take that kind of pressure.

monday again

time flies. seriously. i can't believe that another weekend is over. i can't beleive today marks 9 months ago that i first actually met alex. crazy. how much he's become my world. we were grocery shopping last night and realized we both love ginger snaps. guess it's meant to be.

in other news... there still isn't any news. alex was after me "did you call polly? call polly! why haven't you called polly?" or some variation there of. but what is she gonna do? if she knew ANYTHING she'd call me. so i called her. to stop the pestering mainly. saying things like "i know you don't know anything, but alex was pestering me..." she says she's goin to try to find out something this afternoon. we'll see.

ironically we emptied the big stuff out of the summer home. ugh.

waiting

i'm tried of waiting. i'm done with it. this last week had felt like an eternity. and each day that goes by, each hour that i don't get a phone call resigns me more and more to the fact that it's going to be a "no." why? i don't know. no reason. i think that they must be mailing me the rejection. otherwise i'd get a call. rejections always come in the mail. and i know this whole stress about all this is what's making me tried/sick/listless/miserable. so if it is a "no" then what? i was thinking about that a lot last night. and to his banefit, alex has been great. saying things like "if it's a 'no' you know there are other options right? it will be ok, you know that right??" i nod, but i don't really feel it. i don't think i could take a "no" again. i really don't think so. and then the more i think about it, there really aren't alternatives. not for me. not really. which is why i want it in the first place. and then i think about what it will do to my relationship if it's a "no." and more and more i think that if it is, i might end my relationship. sound rash? maybe, but think about it... my self-esteem is on the low side. and i know that it already bothers him. there are tons of things that i can't do. and i REFUSE to have children in this state. well, why should he be building a life with someone like that? it's not fair to him. and do i think a "yes" will magically change all of that? no, it will be a hard road for a bit, but i know it will change me. completely. but i guess it will either way.

i'm just tired of waiting.

friday five... actually on friday!

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
last thursday

2. ...went to the dentist?
last summer, when i punched the dentist.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
right this very morning in fact, making me late for work

4. ...got enough sleep?
ah, tricky, tricky.... probably like amonth ago when i came home from work on friday, got on the couch and woke up at like 4am. then went back to sleep until like noon. i think i was tried.


5. ...backed up your computer?
my work one gets backed up everyday. my laptop? never.

i heart you

ha ha... i've never done that. i think it's cute when i see it, but it's not really me. but i thought it was fitting giving that i was going to talk about valentine's day.

so i got these japanese calligraphic prints for alex, but they came like a month early. and i have a real problem waiting when it comes to stuff like that so i ended up convincing him to open it. but then that means that i needed to get him something else. which usually means something for me to wear... but then there's nothing to open. i went shopping, got a nightie that had some real significance to us, so that was great. friday afternoon i decided i wanted to get him a pair of boxers. you know ones with lips or hearts on them. something cheesy but cute. so i run over to marshall fields at lunchtime and i find them. black, silky, with red shiny hearts all over them. perfect.

on the way home stop a tthe new hallmark to get a gift bag or something to put the boxers and the candy in. i'm sitting in the car wrapping the boxers in tissue paper and i notice they have velcro on them. i think, ok, that's weird, why would they have a velcro closure? oh well, and stuff them in the bag.

cut to 6am saturday morning. the i-can-barely-kick-him-out-of-bed-at-7-on-weekdays boy is wide awake and ready to go. ugh. we exchange gifts. he takes out the boxers, we laugh, he puts them on. then it's the "why is there velcro on the....WOOSH" in one swift move, they're off. I BOUGHT HIM TEAR-OFF BOXERS!!! at marshall fields no less!!! so funny!!!!

so anyhow, we had a nice day. ddr-ed in the morning. he had reservations at this restaurant for lunch that i had wanted to go to, so we did that. and then saw 50 first dates. which wasn't awful. then we went at look at couches, stopped at borders for treats and that was that.

until i got to try out the removability of the new boxers myself later. ;)

it's a revolution!!!

we got our ddr ON last night! about 7:30 our pads and game arrived and alex played a little while i made dinner. we must have done it for like 3 hours at least. so fun! can't believe it! and how quickly we started becoming good at it. i can't believe we own it. fun AND exercise! how can you lose? can't wait to go head to head with him that will be a SOFA KING good time.

in other news, i want this. in motor green, of course. check out the theater!

the year itch

i've had the year itch in regards to lots of things. jobs, cars, people (to some degree)... i've not been at a job more than a year. well, except cdg, but that wasn't by much. and i LOVE that i'm still on their site. that just rocks.

and i'm getting it again. but i think that has a lot ot do with the general unsettling that had descended on our office. well, at least with most of us. the fdwq bunch, as keith so eloquently puts it. it would be great of something happens. but i'm not sure it will. or at least not the way it should.

ok, i'm going ot admit something here that is probably pretty obvious but i had not been willing to admit. ready? i'm not sure i was ready to jump into a new relationship. wow, that's a shocker huh? although my last relationship was over a long time before i admitted it was (years), i think i needed time to myself. on my own. as much as i didn't want it. i didn't look for alex, he kind of fell in my lap. and he's fantastic, don't get me wrong. i love him completely. but am i being 100% back to him? i don't know. i can't honestly answer that. and that bothers me.

i know alot of my bad tendencies and bahaviors are still there. i have not fully repaired myself. last night is a perfect case in point. that's what's got me thinking...

friday five

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
up and moved to michigan (again)

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
gosh, i'll have to come back to that one. i'd say surgery, but that's only because of my mom, everyone else is into it.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
3.5?

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
meeting alex

5. ... and what's the worst?
a certain 6 year period of my life, esp how it ended

the friday five

way way late, i know.

"You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?
alex

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
a debt free existance

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
a house

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
family and friends for sure

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
definitely. i don't know though, i'd have to consult my accountant

so bad

i'm getting bad at this updating thing again. *sigh*

so the ohio weekend wasn't nearly as awful as i thought it would be. we did end up staying at brian's, but it was all good in the end. jason and satomi let us stay in the guest room. the convention wasn't so bad. saw some very, um, interesting costumes. oh my.

we all ended up having dinner at a japanese restaurant. i used to like japanese food but haven't been too thrilled with it lately. my dinner was ok. alex drank a lot and was a little obnoxious. (little bratty sidenote: it was MY birthday and since apparently i was driving i didn't get to drink anything. not that i necessarily wanted to, but there was zero discussion about it. and that irked me a little bit. i'm not sure i like now he gets when he drinks -- read: stops listening to me completely -- so i'm a little apprehensive about new orlens. but i know i'm being hyper for no reason.)

anyhow... it was ok. i don't really hate brian anymore. and i DID get introduced to ddr. apparently i'm the only person on the planet that had not been informed about this little phenomenon. and as a person witha secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer that's just WRONG! so i was so into it. loved watching these uber geeks just break out in this incredible speed dancing. course since i showed such an intrest you know alex ordered our very own ddr that should be arriving in like a week. all well and good but does he think i'm going to do it in front of him!!! please.

which brings me to my last topic. my life is potentially going to completely change soon. everyone keep your fingers crossed. (that means you jon, you know you're the only one who reads this!)

friday five

i'm a friday five virgin, but no more!

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ...song?
Volcano, Damien Rice

2. ...food?
Anything that comes out of my showtime, especially steak with blue cheese sauce

3. ...tv show?
friends

4. ...scent?
alex

5. ...quote?
"they can call me crazy if i fail, all the chance that i'll need is one in a million, and they can call me brilliant if i succeed" ani d.

sometimes i don't get me

so there's been all this talk and upsetedness over my birthday wknd, right? so alex FINALLY gets it. FINALLY gets that no, this wknds plans are not ok with me. in his mind, we'd just celebrate it next wknd when he's talking me to the folk festival. um, ok. i get that. but to me, my birthday is on a saturday, why not celebrate it on a saturday? THAT SATURDAY, not any saturday.

so i say to him, "hey, what if i get us a place in columbus saturday night." that way i'm not saying "spend money on me!" besides, i found a great deal for the westin for a night. but then i decide: hey, maybe i am being a brat and we'll be with his friends, i shouldn't take him away from them and we'll just celebrate it next wknd.

meantime, i had already sent him the "hey i'll get us a place saturday night" email. i get home and he says he'll get the room. what do i do? say no. make him promise that he won't. because it's not really about the room, it's about him getting it. and he got it then. so i guess that's what matters. although WHY DID I SAY NO TO A NIGHT AT THE WESTIN??? argh.

then, last night we were eating after the seminar i dragged him to and he says "where do you want to have your birthday dinner?" now, i know FULL WELL where he wants to go. the same place we always go when we go to ohio, the wing place. is this where i want to go? no, not really. but again, his friends are there and i know that's where they all want to go. cuz that's what we always do. and then he's saying things like "well, if it were MY birthday i know where I'D want to go" so i'm all like "yeah fine, we'll go to the lube, i assumed we were."

why don't i assert myself? say what i want? i never get that about me.

trips

seems like there's been lots of trip planning as of late. like going to new orleans in march, yay! seems that worked out for the best. got a timeshare thanks to my parents and melissa and trish will be joining us for part of the week which will be so much fun.

then there's planning for our 1 year anniversary. yep, already. alex had the idea to go to stratford and was so so so excited about it. i will be fun. especially since i got to pick the b&b we're staying at which is so fancy! yay for the blue room!

but then there's this wknd. my 27th birthday. i have a horrible track record on birthday experiences, thanks to my ex. i recall one in particular roaming around the super, super bad ghettoass area of hartford at like 1am looking for the RENTAL car i had at the time. hoping to run into the dealer i suppose who would just hand it over to me? who knows what i thought would happen. then taking a nap at a "friend" of her's total crack den while i waited for the guy who was supposed to show up at 3am. good times, good times.

so after 6 years of spending my birthday in various degrees of badness, i had high hopes that my boy would do someting nice. i guess i excpeted him to know that i've had shitty birthdays and that, for once, i wanted to feel like a princess.

yeah. well, no, that ain't gonna happen. cuz he had talked me into going to THIS before i knew when it was. so that's right folks, i'll be spending my birthday wknd at an anime convention in columbus, ohio. (cuz y'all know how much i love that anime). the only way it could get worse is if we had to stay at zellner's. oh wait, we are. on the floor.

i'm not destined to have a nice birthday, ever. although, this doesn't compare to ghetto crackville birthdays, no. but still... when am i going to get treated like a princess?? the thing that gets me is that this behavior in and of itself is so unlike my boy. i mean, did we already forget this?

what do you say?

so i went to bed early last night since i was tired and alex was off doing his gaming thing he does on tuesday nights. he always wakes me when he gets home around 11 or 12. i can tell he wants to talk about it, so i let him even though i don't understand it. so i try to understand it. still don't. eh, whatever. it makes him happy and it's harmless.

him: so it's pretty dorky, huh?
me: eh, it's fine. and you like it, it makes you happy, right?
him: yeah
me: besides there are worse things yo ucould be doing (in my head i'm thinking strip clubs, and am about to say it, as a total joke...)
him: yeah, i could be doing drugs


yeah. thanks.