my grandfather is definitely one of the most important people in my life. he was like a dad to me for so long. i remember stopping at dunkin donut for cocoa and a french crueller before dropping me off at school in the morning. or trip to bickford's before girl scouts. having dinner with him once a week at least all through high school. my firends like jamie always stopping by, coming in saying "hey grampa!"... then before college when he had his heart surgery, when he didn't remember who i was for weeks. having to measure his blood sugar for him when he couldn't do it. then coming home from college every weekend and going to maryann's for breakfast listening to him boast about "my granddaughter came all the way from connecticut just to have breakfast with me."
i know he's not going to live forever. and it's the one thing that made me regret coming to michigan, being away from him. it broke his heart when he found out i was coming back, especially after living at home with them for 6 months. i'd had a few false alams already since being back. he's gone into kidney failure, his CHF is recurring... but i wasn't ready for the call last night that told me he was bleeding internally. i'm pretty much waiting until mom calls with my flight information. i don't want my last time spent withmy grandfather to be in a hospital, but i'd rather that than nothing.
i don't want him to die, but i don't want him to be in pain and i know he's been in a pain for a long time. i know he's not happy. i know he's "done" with life. on the one hand i want him to meet alex very much, but on the other hand, i know part of him is holding out to make sure i'm "all set" you know? the older generations mentality. if he knows i've found my future husband and all that, will that make him want to stick around longer (ie: for the wedding) or would that give him the peace he needs to let go? i know this is not about me, and i am selfish for making it about me.
i'm just not ready to let him go. but will i ever be?
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