waiting

i'm tried of waiting. i'm done with it. this last week had felt like an eternity. and each day that goes by, each hour that i don't get a phone call resigns me more and more to the fact that it's going to be a "no." why? i don't know. no reason. i think that they must be mailing me the rejection. otherwise i'd get a call. rejections always come in the mail. and i know this whole stress about all this is what's making me tried/sick/listless/miserable. so if it is a "no" then what? i was thinking about that a lot last night. and to his banefit, alex has been great. saying things like "if it's a 'no' you know there are other options right? it will be ok, you know that right??" i nod, but i don't really feel it. i don't think i could take a "no" again. i really don't think so. and then the more i think about it, there really aren't alternatives. not for me. not really. which is why i want it in the first place. and then i think about what it will do to my relationship if it's a "no." and more and more i think that if it is, i might end my relationship. sound rash? maybe, but think about it... my self-esteem is on the low side. and i know that it already bothers him. there are tons of things that i can't do. and i REFUSE to have children in this state. well, why should he be building a life with someone like that? it's not fair to him. and do i think a "yes" will magically change all of that? no, it will be a hard road for a bit, but i know it will change me. completely. but i guess it will either way.

i'm just tired of waiting.