now what

now that i got the call i was expecting all along... a big fat no... what do i do now? i don't think i could handle this process again. i'm already back to thinking about what to do about alex. i feel pretty destroyed. and i know it's because i found out about 15 minutes ago. i can't help thinking that being with me is not fair to him. if this thought persists, i'll have to share it with him, obviously. i guess i just need time to think this all through. not now though. right now i need to focus on work and focus on not bursting into tears sitting at my desk.