cuz that last post sucked

let's talk about something happy!

when we went to the pumkin patch weeks and weeks ago, we picked out our pumpkins. as we were walking back to the little tractor ride thingy i stumbled across a little pumkpin that was so cute, and also green. and we know how i love green. alex asked if i wanted the pumpkin and i said no, as i already had mine. then he leaned over and whispered (since it was still a secret)... "you know, monkey needs a pumpkin too..."

yes he does indeed!

towel officially thrown in

so it's common knowledge that my mom and i have issues. we've never had that close relationship i've often wised we've had. high school was a nightmare of screaming most of the time. college came and she actually had a party when i moved on campus 3 hours away.

after that things got better, distance helped. then things got rocky again with the 5 year horrible relationship i had. but even then she was there for me when i needed her, i was very lucky. when i finally decided i needed to escape and leave the state of ct, i quit my job and moved back home with them for 6 mos. i worked several menial jobs to try to keep myself busy and also keep paying my bills while i figured it all out. living in close quarters again was trying. especially since i had been through some really unspeakable things that she preferred to never know about. ok, fine, no big deal. i wasn't in the shape to talk anyway. and also? we never had that relationship with each other.

then i got a job offer from my old employer in ann arbor (ironically i had originally come out to michigan the first time for the disaster of a relationship, but no need to go into that now). i had some mixed feelings about coming back out here since some pretty awful things had happened out here too. but i needed the escape, the distance, the chance to start over.

so i came. alone. all i could pack into my car and lived in a hotel for a few months with basically nothing. my mother, the real estate investor, bought a small condo for me to live in (another story for another time) and soon after i moved in i met alex, purely by chance.

i had no way to know that he was going to end up being my husband. at that time i could scarcely fathom it.

but that's the way we headed and my mom loved him, of course. who doesn't?

as the wedding approached we seemed to be getting along quite well, my mom and i. my dad always just kind of goes with the flow. my mom definitely runs the show.

after the wedding she told me she had had a bad time, for reasons that aren't even worth getting into. it hurt me, a lot. comments she made to my friends and others found their way back to me and i was pretty devastated. more that she would act the way she did.

christmas last year was rough. too much to go into but we went to meet them in vegas at their request and it was a complete disaster. my parents haven't spoken to me since. (i know i'm not going into detail but i did nothing wrong here and i STILL have no idea why she was so angry).

a few months after she left me a voicemail asking why i was mad at her. i took the opportunity to write out all my feelings regarding the wedding, vegas and everything since. i was very careful not to place blame, acknowledge any part in i had and ask that we talk things out that i was tired of this sort of pattern in our relationship. no, this wasn't the first time she had gone long stretched without speaking to me.

i never got a response to that letter. which was pretty sad. but i was okay leaving things the way they were.

enter monkey. i had to figure out how i wanted to share the news with my parents. we decided to buy them gifts and mail them out to them. as we were at the ups store alex said to me "you know she's going to call you and you have to just pretend like nothing had happened" and i knew he was right. and i was ok with that.

he package was scheduled to arrive on a friday. in the meantime she had emailed alex about some other items (oh yeah, she still emails him, calls him on his birthday... while i didn't even rate an email or ecard. yes, i sent them birthday cards, mother's/father's day things, etc...) and in his response he mentioned to her that we had set them gifts and that they should open them together. her response was very negative about me how "no way i could have sent her a gift."

ok, fine.

so friday came. and saturday. and sunday. nothing. no call, email, nada. my little brother, who lives with them didn't know the news. we shared it with his sunday. he was excited and intrigued that they had not said anything to him about the package. finally he asked them what was in the package that had arrived on friday. my mother's response? "i put it in the closet. i have no intention of even opening anything from 'her.'"

seriously.

now my problem with this wasn't the absurdity. i mean, that's her choice. my problem was that they still didn't KNOW. and if they knew and close to ignore it that was one thing. you know?

so i debated what to do. i really didn't want to call her, i'll be honest. but i opted to call my dad at work. i got his voicemail and left him a message asking him to call me. generally my dad keeps neutral in whatever is going on and i can usually talk to him. he never called me back.

that was new, and it hurt.

finally after we got the second ultrasound picture, i emailed it both of them with a subject line of "your grandchild" in case they didn't read it, and a short note. signed it from both of us and waited. that was 3 days ago.

today, alex (why not me?) gets an email from my mother that says "gordon and i are happy for you."

that was it. we both think that is the last we'll hear from them.

all i wanted was for them to know and make their choice. and they've made it.

i'm done trying.

confirmed

i have no idea why i had such a hard time believing i am pregnant (even sounds weird to me now...). i think part of it stems from reading so many infertility blogs because i think the women are fantastic writers and interesting and whatnot. i also kind of feel like a traitor now. how weird is that?

i know, i have issues.

anyway, today was my official "first" appointment with the doctor. only it wasn't.

here's the deal.

in august we went to see alex's brother greg. the one with ms. on the 4 hour drive home, about 30 minutes from here alex asks me why i keep telling people who ask when we're going to have kids "well, i just started a new job so at least a year" when all along we hadn't planned on anything for a few years.

i have no idea why i said that to people other than it was a convenient answer and a way to get people to leave me the eff alone already.

the conversation basically ended when we decided maybe it was time. after that we were silent, both in shock, like, did we just decide to do this? we were going to go on my company trip a few weeks after that so we figured after we returned we'd "see what happens."

well, i'll tell you what happened! i pretty much knew instantaneously. i guess some people do. i was afraid maybe i was imagining it, but it something was different. the day to take the test came and i was pretty confident... until i looked at it and saw one line. then alex looked at it and pointed out there WAS a second one. sort of. barely. and what did that mean? here we are noses to the pee stick trying to figure out what it all meant.

being the impatient people that we are,we went straight back out to get the more expensive, digital test. and i did it the following day. (btw, i highly recommend these). i had scarcely put the cap on when the "positive" popped, very clearly, into the display. and there it was. clear as day.

calling the doctor that monday morning was anti-climactic but also surprising. they didn't want to see me for weeks. what? don't i need to go in and verify or something? no? really? well ok. and then BOOM they just tell you your due date right then! now I've learned since how easy it is to figure out and all that, but i guess i was expecting more... of a big deal? nope. june 4. there it is. crazy.

so that was that. and i waited. and then the next week came. with the spotting. everything i read said this "could be normal... but CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY" um, ok. so i'm freaked out and i call the doctor. i speak with a nurse. she tells me "not to worry unless it gets really bad or bright red." ok, what i want to know is who is the judge of this, exactly? cuz a first-time-pregnant-girl? not the best judge. i was a MESS.

the following monday (after a particularly horrible "spotting" weekend -- when does it cross the line to bleeding? i'm pretty sure it did while walking through whole foods) i had my first appointment which is only with a nurse to get a crapload of paperwork. we discussed the spotting and she asked when my first doctor appointment was. i told her in 2 weeks (today) and she said that wasn't ok and we needed to get in sooner. i'm pretty sure she was certain i was miscarrying, and didn't want to say it.

at any rate she manged to get me in the very next morning with a different doctor in the practice. i was nervous, but happy to finally know something. he explained to me all the things we could see (or not see) on the internal ultrasound. and that he wasn't sure we'd see anything since it was so early (7 weeks by their crazy math). turns out there was something to see. there was a little sac with a teeny-tiny monkey inside (we're not finding out the sex so that is what we're calling him). we got to see the little heartbeat and everything. he confirmed all was well.

and he also found the reason i was bleeding. the second, clearly visible, but empty, second sac. so i guess there had been a reason to worry after all.

i try not to get too upset about the other one... and focus on the happy, healthy monkey we do have.

since we had a picture, even though it was still very early, we felt "safe" telling people. that's a post for another time. although as soon as we told the first person i was TERRIFIED something would go wrong. convinced in fact.

for some reason the appointment today was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. i met my doctor (she's FAB) and i expected her to be overly cautious like the last doctor had been and be very careful to warn me of all the badness that we may see (or not see). but no, it was totally a normal visit. and we have a new photo. and he's so big! (ok, relatively, really only like 9mm, but GIANT compared to 2 weeks ago when you could barely see anything).

so there we have it. almost 9 weeks along. i want to be happy and not so worried. i thought today would do it, and it did. but now i have to make decisions about testing. argh.

it's just the beginning :)

(in case it doesn't sound like i'm excited, rest assured, i am. i talk to him all the time. yes, i'm one of those people. but i also talk to all kinds of inanimate objects too. and i can never take anything less than a whole bunch of bananas at the store because i feel so bad leaving those other ones behind. yeah, i have issues, and now i've overshared. ah well!)

yeah yeah

ok, i know i've been MIA for, ok, well a long time. i suck, fine.

well seems my new friend called me out for not posting so here goes.

truth is? i've been really overwhelmed by a lot lately.

since i last posted, we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary (very nice) and alex's 32nd birthday (let's really forget the part about me saying it was his 31st shall we? apparently i have no idea how old my husband is).

i also "broke up" with one of my old friends. certainly not my dearest by any stretch and it was a LONG TIME COMING but it still sucked. she did not take it well. she said some really nasty things to me, which although they hurt, it really reaffirmed for me that i made the right decision.

there's also all this complication with my mother. it's gotten worse, unbelievably, but it has. i have some really tough decisions to make about her and if i want to continue to try or not.

mostly i'm really ok with not. but things have changed recently.

because, yes, there is other news. good news. fabulous news even. but i'm still a little weirded out talking about it just... yet... ha! crazy isn't it?

i'll leave you with a photo. the photo says it all. this t-shirt is hilarious i think. especially given my particular set of circumstances. i try not to think about the fact that it's only available in junior's sizes... egad!

classic

we were eating dinner last night and our kitchen table is currently in a very inconvenient spot in the kitchen due to the tiling that still needs to be done on one end that's all cleared out. anyway, so my chair is placed in kind an odd spot and i was siting kinda sideways on it. so anyway. i needed to sneeze, so i turned even more to the side as not to sneeze in my dinner and somehow the angle i was sitting at coupled with the force of the sneeze.... i fell right out of my chair onto the floor.

sorry, no picture for this one.

**updated to add that i was able to throw my pita back onto my plate before i fell but alex also told me i managed to throw rice on him on the way down. ha!**

mobility

so we went for our first outing! during the work day! we left the house! it was very exciting. we did not venture far, just to the local coffee shop down the street. this place is very cute and the owners are so nice. we used to go all the time. they have like 37 sugar-free syrup flavors, it's amazing! most places will only only vanilla or hazelnut if you're lucky (i'm talking to YOU $5 per cup coffee giant!!! hmph!) ok, so they don't have 37 but easily like 16. seriously.

the problem is don't like their espresso. bummer eh? all those flavors and no fancy lattés for me. so sad. we usually just get steamers. anyhow, it did mean ti got to use my fancy laptop bag and i felt all official. we also found out they only have one decent sized table and that was already claimed by one woman so both of us had to squeeze onto a tiny round table. i mean we squeeze onto a tiny round table at home, but this was very tiny.

turns out the speed wasn't great and for what alex needed we had to be home, but yay for first outing!

the cape weekend

so the big weekend on the cape was nice.

we got to the detroit airport way early for our 9am flight on friday. there were like 3 people in line so we had a lot of time to kill. it was ok, but seeing as i had gotten like 2 hours or sleep the night before i was pretty wired, esp after my venti latte.

oh, the entire detroit shock team was on our flight too. i remember standing in line for boarding and suddenly being surrounded by 10 foot tall woman. alex leans over and whispers "i think the shock is on our flight, pretty sure that's bill lampeer over there" (or whatever his name is).

it was confirmed for us when alex started recognizing coaches that were taking their seats in first class. that's right. the coached were in first class. the team? in coach with the rest of us. i turn to him and said "you think the pistons sit in coach??" top which he answered "they have their own plane." now tell me, is this fair? the poor girls should at least get first class!

we arrived in boston without incident, early in fact! we had to wait for-eve-er to get our bags. i hate checking bags. but thanks to that no-liquid thing we had to. i also allowed me to indulge in my over packing. always dangerous. at least the shock didn't have to get their own bags. there were a team of 4 or 5 guys loading up. and up. and up. i'm surprised any of our luggage fit on the plane. at least it left no room for the snakes. ahem.

so we went over to hertz to get our car which had been upgraded to a volvo wagon. as long as it had the gps i dont' care what it was! we managed to meet up with jon (yay!) and had lunch then we departed when he had an appointment and then we started the drive to the cape.

it wasn't so bad. everybody told us about ow bad the traffic would be. it took about 3 hours. not too shabby, better than i expected. got to stop for a latte (woo!) and then it was my turn to drive. all was well until the ... bridge. why did i not think that through? i have an irrational fear of bridges. i used to have reoccurring nightmares about them in fact. so when we rounded the corner and i saw it tears sprung to my eyes. no joke. this... this is the bridge in my nightmares. oh god. alex offered pulling over but we couldn't, there was no where.

i made it. barely. it was horrifying.

anyhow. we got the place and checked in and realized how gigantic it was. we found our room, which was like a small apartment what with the kitchen, several rooms, washer and dryer... crazy! unfortunately we were on the bottom floor so it was all tile. that was a little yucky, but i'm not complaining.

the weather was quite chilly and dreary and sort of rainingish Friday. We had a few hours to tell before the reception to we trekked to one of the indoor pools (incidentally where EVERYONE ELSE STAYING THERE WAS OF COURSE) and chilled in the hot tub and whatnot. it was nice.

we got ready for the reception and headed over to the mansion. we had the entire first floor and the patio/balcony area that overlooked the ocean.i saw my boss and got to meet her husband. eventually met the others on my team and basically we all hung together most of the night. my coworkers wife and alex really hit it off and bonded about cars and whatnot. go figure! they are great people. trish and larry finally got there a bit later and the first thign she asked me was about the bridge and how i handled it. god i love her.

anyhow, it was a great night, we all went to the pub downstairs after and it was god to meet more people that i work with! crazy you know?

the next morning we met trish and larry to go have breakfast. where we also met up with my boss and her husband. we all talked about our plans for the day, since we didn't have a company event until 3pm. trish and i took off to get pedicures. the boys immediately went their own ways (boys are funny that way). we all met up for some pool time, it was a gorgeous day. then before we knew it it was time to head to the clambake.

the owner of my company gave a little talk and i realized how lucky i was to be part of a company where the employees are appreciated. it also made me REALLY realize just HOW crappy my last position was. alex and i both commented on that when we was done speaking.

there was food and drink aplenty then on to the beach for a fire and games. they even had a guy out there singing and playing the guitar. a few of us had a running bet on how many jimmy buffet songs he'd actually play.

then we moved to the tent for dancing and dessert. we were all going to head for the pub but there were FOUR weddings on premises that day so it was a bit packed. no matter, most people were leaving early in the morning so we left. by this time it was about 1am and we were starving. (having eaten at 3) so the 4 of us took off to find food. only everything closes in that area at like 9pm. we managed to find some pretty decent chinese food and then called it a night.

met trish and larry again for breakfast before we parted ways. it was sad. i love trish and i've not seen her since she was in my wedding! way way way too long!

we made record time back to boston and then met up with my little brother (since my mother had put the kibosh on it on friday) and ate lunch with him and headed back to logan. now, 2 hours early for detroit was MORE than enough. 2.5 hours for logan? not so much. good thing our plane was late getting in or else we would have missed it.

overall, long days of travel for basically one day at the cape. not complaining though it was a HUGE thing for them to give us and provide. amazing in fact.

it did, however, make us decide not to take a trip for our anniversary. we had wanted to go to seattle or washington or colorado. but it was going to be a 3-day weekend. and to go that far away for 3 days? not so much worth it. especially when we have to pay for things. alot easier when it's all paid for!

so, we'll be laying low. no plans yet, but it's all good. i really can't believe that it's almost been a year!

here's a picture of us getting ready to leave sunday. it was the last one left on the roll of the disposable we've been trying to use up for a year. our brand spanking new fancy camera should be arriving any second via fedex. (working for that big company that alex does has it's perks. :)

what's that smell?

so i'm in the kitchen toasting my mini bagelm cutting my tomato and peeling my orange while my latte heats up. i'm gazing out the kitchen window listening to the children playing in the yard of the house behind us. it's a lovely morning.

then i'm distracted by a smell... hmm... what is that? smoke! what the heck, is someone BBQing at 8am? wait, i can see some smoke, it's outside the window, it's nearby, it's ... WAIT it's coming from MY kitchen, but the toaster is over on the other side...

OMG my latte maker is smoking!

i switch it off and nonchlalantly call out "honey! my latte maker is broken."

"how do you know?" he answers.

"oh from the smoke billowing out of it."

so of course he has to do his manly duty of inspection to make sure it's not something stupid i did apparently. people, this is the simplest contraption on the face of the earth, i did NOT mess it up.

it also happens to make a pretty decent latte for what it is.

so he poked and prodded and turned it back on and explaimed "yeah this has to go."

so i'm a little sad. apparently we're going shopping today now though!

back to normal

haven't written much because frankly there hasn't been much going on.

pretty normal and that's good! i'm finishing up work on the LAST magazine. woo! i'm pretty excited about that. i won't miss this project. i will miss the paychecks, but they just aren't worth it anymore.

we're about to start in on the busy weekends! which is good but also frustrating. people, we NEED to finish the kitchen floor tiling. badly. and before it starts to get cold and since it's michigan that could happen, oh, next week. so that's frustrating me a little bit.

so friday morning we're off to the cape! for a long all-expenses paid weekend sponsored by my new company. this is exciting because well, it's free. it's a trip (to the cape!) and i'll get to meet my co-workers. also, since a very dear frien dof mine is one of my coworkers, it's especially nice. and i have not seenher since she was a bridesmaid in my wedding! also, since we have to fly into boston we get to have lunch with another dear friend who i have not seen since he was one of my MOHs at my wedding! very exciting. i will take photos, i promise. i don't ever take enough photos. i also want to finish a roll that has pictures on in from the trip-from-hell to the place-that-shall-not-be-named, as well as our visit to see my other MOH this summer and pictures from this past weekend when the boys chose to recreate something that alex say on mythbusters. ha. nice.

anyhoo... soon it will also be our anniversary! i can't believe it's almost been a year already. we will be going away for a long weekend that will be a "surprise" for me, altough i've already figure out it will be a sort of scouting mission as well to one of the places we've talked about moving to. so i'm exicited about that as well.

and also, someone's birthday immeditately follows the anniversary and i need to figure out gifts! for both occasions. he is THE hardest person to shop for. ever.

as well, so things are calm and normal and good. i love it!

eek! except for the fact that i thought i was having a good hair day. i think i was wrong!

probable

prob·a·ble adj.

1. Likely to happen or to be true.


2. Likely but uncertain; plausible.

let's go with the second definition, shall we? yes i think we shall.

well that's the verdict people, i have "probable" ms.

we met with the neurologist yesterday. i love that doctor truly. i am so lucky i got in with him. i'm still not sure how we pulled that off, but i'm ever so thankful.

so after entering his office and sitting at the desk with him he took a deep breath and told me my MRI was completely unchanged.

we even got to look at it on his computer instead of the usual films which i can never really understand. this was like 3d. and it was my brain. so that was a little weird. but still fun. sort of.

he pointed out what was normal and what wasn't. it was great. i thought, whew. we're in the clear.

he examined me (i kicked some serious butt in the exam i'll tell you. (thanks yoga! i missed you and i'm so glad we're friends again)

then he started talking about meds. and if we wanted to start them and went over the whole "there is no cure, only prevention" deal. yes, yes i know.

but, wait. why are we talking meds? i thought i was all set? what's going on. alex grabs my hand. doesn't make me feel very reassured. so i ask him, "do you consider me diagnosed?" suddenly that was really unclear.

he goes on to explain what my friend google had already told me. that there are many levels to diagnosis. there is no definite one, only "clinically-positive" and to be clinically-positive i needed to have a minimum of 5 lesions (which i, in fact, do). and have had at least 2 separate attacks on different areas. that's where it's fuzzy. the optic neuritis was pretty definite but nothing else has been enough to be called an attack so he cannot deem me clinically-diagnosed.

i was, however, diagnosed with "probable ms" and i could start meds if i wanted to.

well, no, thankyouverymuch, i'm not really interested. we had discussed this at length several times and had also discussed it with him several times and we all agree. until i NEED it, we're going to wait. there's a possibility i won't ever need it. there's a possibility i will and we're playing with fire i know.

it also effects other decisions as far as our new little family goes. and if/when we're going to try to do anything about expanding it.

it's always interesting isn't it?

today's pic? proof that my husband is super sweet.

sobering

we spent the weekend in kentucky visiting alex's brother greg.

this is probably the 4th time in the 3 years that we've been together that we've made the trip. it's not too far, about 4 hours-ish each way. greg is the second oldest of the 7, making him 47 years old, 16 years older than alex. he's a pretty cool guy.

he's also been living with MS for a little over 10 years.

now, i don't know all the details of everyting but i do know that he let the disease progress for awhile before going to the doctor. it had gotten to the point that most people thought he was a raging alcoholic since he'd fall all the time, black out sometimes and just generally was losing it.

it took greg a long time to face it himself. he was also pretty far along by the time ha was diagnosed. when we see him now everyone is very impressed with how he's doing and are quick to remind me i never saw him at his low.

i was, truthfully, very impressed with greg and how he lives on his own (i guess his wife left him after his diagnosis) and manages to get around using the bus system and really, it's quite impressive.

that is, until the time we visited him right after i had my LP. seeing greg then took on a whole new meaning to me. seeing how the MS has effected him. how he repeats things a lot. how eating is very difficult. how he has a hard time walking even with his braces. how one eye doesn't look straight ahead anymore and he can't read things unless they are up close. how he's kind of hard to understand until you get used to the slurry was he talks.

yes, that was a much different visit for me. knowing that could be my future.

then i was diagnosed. then un-diagnosed i guess.

then i had my latest MRI last week. i see the neurologist tomorrow morning. and for some reason i'm not feeling good about it.

seeing greg this weekend was... hard.

it's hard for me not to look at him and see all that he doesn't have now instead of focusing on all his HUGE accomplishments and to be amazed at how far he's come. i know that's not the right attitude, but i just can't shake it.

to hear him talk about his frustrations and what he "used to have" ...

he's one of a kind

our cat, griff, is priceless. we rescued him as an abandoned cat that a friend of alex's had found. he's so sweet. he's deaf and has TWO extra toes on each front paw and one on each back paw. he's also huge. and not fat, just a really BIG cat. he's all muscle.

we had to bring him to the vet yesterday for shots and nail trimming. i got the cat bag out to get ready. as we were getting ready to go we couldn't find him. now it's been a long time since he's "gone for a ride" so we didn't think he'd be avoiding the bag the way isaac was.

after a few minutes we found him.

guess he was ready to go!

everyone has their 'thing'

and one of our 'things' are when we feel we have eaten too much we call ourselves a "piggie pig pig pig." don't ask. we're crazy. i know that. but we find it hilarious. we also say it while poking ourselves in the belly.

have i also ever mentioned that i must have things in odd numbers? we can buy one, three, or five of something, etc. like candles, or candleholder have to have places for an odd number of candles.

escecially three. i love things in threes. like i said, crazy.

oh and tiny things. love them. no idea why. if i ever have a child i'm going to be out of control buying so many little tiny things. i love them. alex has a hard time getting me away from them. imagine when i have an excuse?

so, a few weeks ago we were downtown and we went into one of my favorite stores on main street and bought a few things. things i HAD to have. you know how it is.

one of these things was a 3-legged good luck pig.

need i explain how much i HAD TO OWN this little piggie pig pig pig? no, i didn't think so.

damn

thanks for the link irish. not sure i beleive it. i'm close to being a liar, see, like i said i was!

Your EQ is 147

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

i'm a liar

see, i said i was going to post everyday. i lied. things have been crazy busy at work and since i'm still in that "trying to make a good impression" phase, i'm trying as hard as i can to do a good job. not that i normally don't, but they are all still getting used to me. i want their impression to be good. you know?

we've been wrangling with insirance issues. my er trip may or may not be covered. i also have this extra "accident" policy which is pretty cool and covered things like, say, your er deductible if you go for an accident. you know, random example. well turns out someone had to come here to have me fill out the paperwork (it's state-specific) so we're not actually covered on that until aug 1 so we'll miss out on that too.

and the new ins? won't let me get an mri. not "medically necessary." now, i ask you, a diagnosis of possible ms isn't "medically necessary" uh huh. i see.

good news is alex's company offers our old insurance as an option, so we're gonna go back on that. *hopefully* even with the lapse, all of my pre-authorizations will still hold. i won't be having my mri tomorrow as planned, but hopefully next week when we're all official. i hope so because if i have to reschedule my appt with my neurologist i'm screwed. he schedules like 6 months out. seriously.

hopefully it will all work out and we'll have no problems. (see! that's me being optimistic!!! weird, huh? yeah, i thought so too.)

anyhow. i also had to give another speech this week to a bariatic surgery information group. some are pre-op, some newly post-op, a bunch were about 6 mos out, i think 1 was a year out. i've done this twice before. both times it was really informal. 10 or so people. kind of like a q&a session. no big. i called the head of the group about 3pm to verify the location of the room we'd be meeting in. keep in mind she scheduled me for this MONTHS ago.

so i call her and she says "ok, so many people are coming that we're going to be in the auditorium. they're all really excited to hear you. i've told them now inspirational you are. oh, and how long is your presentation?" all i heard was AUDITORIUM and PRESENTATION. huh? what? oh god.

so i was a little freaked. i made alex drive while i frantically scribbled notes about topics i wanted to cover. i was more than a little nervous.

of course it was fine. although there WAS a microphone invovled people. my pictures were projected on a screen behind me. there were probably about 50-60 people there. and only 2-3 knew me from before. (this isn't the place i had surgery, but the woman who was the head of mine moved and started this one and she asked me to be invovled. and i love it. except i can't really be totally invovled since i did not have surgery there per se. like i can't be in advertising or anything, which truly is what i'd like to do. she had asked me to be in ads for my group... right before she left. of course. and i have no ties to them anymore, even my own surgeon left that group. ah well.) so anyway, when my before picture went up there were gasps, there was a general hush and murmurs. i tell you, that in and of itself makes it worth it. truly. it never gets old.

so it went fine. i talked a little more than an hour. alex was there working the pictures and chiming in when appropriate. there were questions and then people came up to talk to me privately after, as i expected they would. several called me their hero. that was weird. but 2 years ago i would have been in awe of me too.

so that's all i've got for today. i'll close with a related photo. post-monthly-b12 shot. one of those things i'll be doing for the rest of my life :)

all gone

so i didn't write about our "excitement" over the weekend.

saturday night we had watched a dvd (clerks, in prep for clerks 2, since -- much to alex's horror -- i had not seen it before.)

at any rate. we're getting ready to head up to bed and i realize there is laundry to be brought up. i head down to grab the basket. usually alex doesn't "let" me carry the laundry up the 2 flights, but i guess he forgot this time. at any rate, halfway up from the basement i felt a twinge in my back and by the time i got to the top of the stairs i could no longer carry it. hell, i could barely stand up straight.

let me back up. i'm a klutz. a huge klutz. i fall going up the stairs. if there is something to step on that will hurt/make me trip on the floor or ground i'll find it. we joke about if we lose something on the floor, not to worry, i'll step on it. and inevitably, i do. anyway. back in college i slipped on some ice and fell on my lower back. and ever since i'll have back problems sometimes. i have a herniated disk, my last one. and every now and again i'll do something stupid and throw it out. i know what to do to fix it though usually when it's my lower back. i know the exercises and taking NSAIDS usually resolves itself. once i had to talk with a cane for a week. once i even had to call and ambulance to get to the hospital since i could not move. back pain effs you up. like nothing else.

well loving 200+ pounds certainly has helped my back. also the yoga and activity level we've had the last two years.

well, we haven't been to yoga in a few months. and this pain on saturday? it wasn't my lower back. it was my mid back on the left side. but, being the back-pain veteran i am i let alex help me to bed and figured i'd take some tylenol and see how it worked itself out. no, i can no longer take NSAIDs because of my bypass. and yes, that does suck.

you know what else sucks? i had about a gallon of liquid vicodin that they discharged me from the hospital with after my bypass that i never opened. it was in the medicine cabinet since. we just got rid of it. last week.

this goes to show you how bad the back pain was. i was willing to take liquid vicodin, but i didn?t' take any after they cut open my stomach with an 8inch incision and rerouted my intestines. i digress.

anyhow, about 2 am i'm trashing about since it hurts. so. much. no position is ok for more than 1.5 minutes. the spasms wave through my chest, it makes breathing difficult. alex suggests lying on the floor might be better. seems reasonable. but that was such a mistake, just getting on my knees had be sobbing. and him freaking out. he got me somewhat settled on the floor and ran out saying he'd "be right back."

i knew what he was doing. trying to call our new insurance to see if we were covered. we were supposed to be as of july 1. but we didn't have cards yet. we had gotten temporary insurance for the 2-week gap when we wouldn't have any insurance. that expired on the 15th. being 3am at this point, it was officially the 16th. figures. only i have luck like this.

finally he decides who cares, we're going to the ER anyway. we should be covered. we made the long trek to the car and over to st. joe's. where we waited. for 3.5 hours.

but before waiting i was triaged, of course. the nurse asks if i'm allergic to any meds and i give the standard "no, but i cannot take NSAIDs due to my gastric bypass" to this she pauses. lets it register. turns to me and looks at me in disbelief "you had a bypass? you're so tiny!" and i answer, "well yeah, but it was 2 years ago. isn't that kinda the idea of having one?"

anyway, after the 3.5-hour wait we're seen by a resident who has the same reaction regarding the bypass. "wow, it really worked for you, huh?" she says it's probably just a muscle stain, and wants a urine sample and says the doctor will be in shortly.

then the doctor comes in. love her! she was so great. she tells me how NSAIDs would be the best but since i can't take them she's going to give me a vicodin/valium cocktail that i'm promised will kick in within 30 minutes. however, she can't send me home with both because "someone as small and petite as yourself shouldn't take both since it could cause breathing problems." seriously, at this point alex and just stat laughing. petite? me? c'mon.

anyhow, they sent me home with valium. which seems weird to me, but it works. but now i'm out. i'm hoping when i go see my pcp tomorrow for my b12 shot they'll give me a refill. of course i do have temporary ins cards now. i just called the hospital to give them the info so hopefully we won't get billed and it will go smoothly. also, have to see if i can keep my MRI that's scheduled for the 29th. i've started that process.

what's more fun? we might switch insurance AGAIN with alex's job transfer. it might make more sense $$ wise.

so, this is what this weekend has taught us:

1. laundry is off limits to me
2. we're going back to yoga. tonight (if i think i can handle it.)

hey, both of those are good by me! let's hope i can get a few more nuggets of goodness. for when this happens again. because we all know it will. it's me.

yikes!

so much celebrating was to be done yesterday. my husband has been contracted to a rather large company for the last 5 years and was finally hired in yesterday as an official employee. it's been in the works for awhile. and we knew it was happening. but, at his contract company he's been at the top of the payscale for a long time. and they lowered all the salaries for starting employees. which meant he could never get a raise, but at least they never cut his pay either. and we were worried what the official offer would be.

he finally got it yesterday and it's all good! when i got my new job we went out to dinner to celebrate. we went out to dinner for him too, but somehow... he ended up with a new toy as well. i didn't get a new toy! :(

he's like a little kid in a candy store and i love it. i love how happy it makes him. he's worked really hard the last few years to get where he is in the company and this is just further proof as how far he's come.

it is, however, a bit fast. and i was terrified a bit surprised as the salesman drove us up the street in it. he promised once alex drove it he wouldn't want anything else. and he was right. unfortunately they have to find the right color combo at another dealer so somebodyneeds to be patient for a few days. and that is not a strong suit for either of us!

so, er, i'm a little scared, but so happy for him!

i'm one of *those* people

ok. i gave in. i have a bluetooth head set now. i did not want one. i fought it. but the conference calls at work... it was necessary. and can i tell you a secret? i love it. i'm not good at getting it on quickly. but it's really great. certainly not cheap, but hell, they paid for it so i'm not complaining.

i have a lot to write about, like our visit to the ER this wknd. but not now. don't have the energy.

and i have a call in a few minutes. :)

happy day~

music DOES always help, doesn't it?

that and a trip to the water park near our house last night. so much fun! i forget that it's so close and so cheap! we both needed a little fun in the water last night.

plus i helped out on a problem at work, yay! points for me!

AND my new laptop bag is here! how much do i LOVE IT!

melancholy

so i wanted to finish my post about jury duty but eh. i'm over it.

well, mostly. except for one minor detail that i have not shared with anyone.

i figured out why i was SO riled up about this case. i figured it out when i was home and unreasonably upset that the guy did not get convicted. so mcuh so i could not sleep. then i realized why.

basicaly the same thing happened to me. and i was 14 (like her). and he was 22 (like the guy). only it was letters (not IM) and we did meet. when i was 16. he came to my house (he lives in louisana and i was in nh then). and he forced himself on me.

it's not as bad as it sounds, it wasn't violent. i did cry. i did try to stop him. but i did feel like i owed him something thing, and i wasn't strong enough to fight him off.

it was wrong then and it was wrong in this case too. and i guess i wanted someone to pay. since i feel like no one ever did in my situtation either. and i know this event is part of the reason my mother and i never had a closer realtionship. i always felt like she shoud have protected me. and she never -- to this day -- has ever wanted to talk about what happened or even acknowledged it.

but i know she knows.

so today, i'm sad.