i use too many paper towels

i really need to cut down. honestly. but reusable things like washcloths int eh kitchen skeeve me out. i also love me some clorox wipes.

in other news, my mother calls alex this morning barely after 8 as we had JUST gotten our lazy selves downstairs. why you may ask? to ask him what size maternity clothes i wear since one of her clients (she's like a freelance accountant) probably can only pay her in maternity clothes.

is that not the weirdest thing you've ever heard, like ever?

also, am i crazy for considering cloth diapering? in addition to making my own baby food?

much post about nothing

i'm tired and need a break from work so here i am. nothing much to say, just some random thoughts.

i can't decide now i feel about my mother. parts of me just wants to slap her upside the head about her stubbornness and have things be back to "normal" but then i think about those days and you know what? yeah, no thanks. not really interested. but i have a feeling things are going to come to a head in say, about 5 or 6 months.

i've also been wondering about some other things lately. there's a certain person in alex's family who, when it comes to get-togethers we always end up having "issues" regarding food and i really am trying to figure out why this is.

now, everyone knows about my food restrictions. not that hard, no sugar. can it be complicated? sure, but not really. i never ask anyone to accommodate me. often i'll offer to bring something or just make sure i have things with me i can eat ifi know it might be an issue. she often makes me feel like this is a lifestyle choice i'm making, not a medical necessity. no, i don't have diabetes. no, i will not DIE if i eat sugar, i'll just be really really really sick. and, um, no thanks.

again, i don't' ask people to accommodate me, but isn't some of it common courtesy? if someone was coming to my house and food was involved, i would make sure of likes/dislikes/allergies/any restriction first. and this is family! like, would it hurt you to pick up diet soda once in a while? of course this is all coming to a head with christmas around the corner. oh... the other part of it? she absolutely refuses to eat anything sugar-free.

now, that can be complex, i know. many people prefer sugar over sugar-substitutes. i get that, totally. i won't argue that point. it's a choice and that's fine. completely. but if i bring something to family gathering that is sugar-free (i always do, especially since alex's dad is diabetic) she'll treat it as if it's poison. won't go near it with a ten foot pole. i really don't understand it.

but then i got to thinking. i never bring things that are made with sugar, just as she never brings things that are sugar-free. so does that make me just as bad? i never thought of it that way before.

i dunno... but like i said, i'm tired. i shouldn't be attempting to write. maybe i'll take a little nap instead..,. i bet no one will notice :)

a star!

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

too busy...

to write about all the stuff going on. and i'm also shamefully behind on my bloglines. shame shame on me.

i only have one question. WHY did my mother mail a teddy bear shw bought in england to my husband only?

she's finally succeeded in hurting me. way to go mom.

woah...

i haven't posted much lately. i've been feeling pretty sick and lethargic. and i didn't really want to say how i'd been feeling - that i don't love pregnancy. i feel AWFUL saying that. i mean nothing too awful has happened (well, save for losing one of the babies and all) but i just feel sick. and tired. and achy. and like a lump lately.

fun, huh? well now you know why i haven't been sharing!

but THEN.... oh then....

we went for our monthly OB appt. i'm 13w1d today. i guess it was listen-to-heartbeat day but she was unable to find it. so i got to have (another) ultrasound. oh. my. god. i KNEW that monkey was fully formed by now, basically. but that did not prepare us for the site of a tiny little baby. with a clear spine! and little hands flailing around. it was totally unreal. like we're at a whole new level of reality now. i guess up until now it's been really surreal still, but there was NO denying that ultrasound today. holy crap.

we're both a little shell shocked right now i think!

i don't like to travel

all that much. on my own that is.

i am in the east coast now, having gone into the office for my review. mmm, fun. i've never had a review so i'm pretty freaking nervous. also? um, work clothes. for six months i haven't had to go into an office. luckily, my work clothes from last fall, which had all been way too big now fit since i'm expanding again. can i just take a moment to say i don't really like this phase. you know, where i just look like i have mega muffin top or something. well that's not exactly right but i feel bloated and big and like nothing fits. ah well, i digress.

anyway, so i had to leave at 3 for the airport yesterday. i have JUST gotten over my cold from hell so i wasn't looking forward to flying. on a full plane at that. the flight was actually ok. i got to pick up my car (why do they keep giving me wagons?) and head to the hotel. i was supposed to see my best friend last night, but turns out she had to work really late. which i was sad about, but that was understandable.

i got to the hotel and checked in to see my room with 2 beds (what's the fun of staying in a hotel if you don't' get the big ol' bed all to yourself?) that didn't smell... quite... right...

i actually unpacked all my clothes and put everything away (which i never do) and settled in about 9:30 for some law and order. not to shabby. only... my tv kept shutting itself off. when i'd turn it back on only one line would show up down the center. i played with it for awhile to no avail and finally resorted to calling the front desk. only they were full, so sad but there wasn't anything they could do for me that night. sigh. but i could switch rooms in the morning. which meant packing up everything. figures. also? the tv would turn back on by itself and be perfectly fine then shut off again. and again. and again.

also when i called the front desk they thought i was only staying one night. um, no, three, actually. when i checked in they knew that and i also signed up for a wake up call. i had set a back up as well.

this morning? good thing alex had a meeting and work up early and called me. he's the only one who did. and turns out the "back-up" alarm didn't go off either. guess i screwed that up as well!

so i go downstairs to talk about the room switch. only they had no record of my calling. and they'd "look into it" and there was no reason to truck everything that i had already repacked, out of my room.

i'm not looking forward to going back there tonight. it will be better, right? right?

cuz that last post sucked

let's talk about something happy!

when we went to the pumkin patch weeks and weeks ago, we picked out our pumpkins. as we were walking back to the little tractor ride thingy i stumbled across a little pumkpin that was so cute, and also green. and we know how i love green. alex asked if i wanted the pumpkin and i said no, as i already had mine. then he leaned over and whispered (since it was still a secret)... "you know, monkey needs a pumpkin too..."

yes he does indeed!

towel officially thrown in

so it's common knowledge that my mom and i have issues. we've never had that close relationship i've often wised we've had. high school was a nightmare of screaming most of the time. college came and she actually had a party when i moved on campus 3 hours away.

after that things got better, distance helped. then things got rocky again with the 5 year horrible relationship i had. but even then she was there for me when i needed her, i was very lucky. when i finally decided i needed to escape and leave the state of ct, i quit my job and moved back home with them for 6 mos. i worked several menial jobs to try to keep myself busy and also keep paying my bills while i figured it all out. living in close quarters again was trying. especially since i had been through some really unspeakable things that she preferred to never know about. ok, fine, no big deal. i wasn't in the shape to talk anyway. and also? we never had that relationship with each other.

then i got a job offer from my old employer in ann arbor (ironically i had originally come out to michigan the first time for the disaster of a relationship, but no need to go into that now). i had some mixed feelings about coming back out here since some pretty awful things had happened out here too. but i needed the escape, the distance, the chance to start over.

so i came. alone. all i could pack into my car and lived in a hotel for a few months with basically nothing. my mother, the real estate investor, bought a small condo for me to live in (another story for another time) and soon after i moved in i met alex, purely by chance.

i had no way to know that he was going to end up being my husband. at that time i could scarcely fathom it.

but that's the way we headed and my mom loved him, of course. who doesn't?

as the wedding approached we seemed to be getting along quite well, my mom and i. my dad always just kind of goes with the flow. my mom definitely runs the show.

after the wedding she told me she had had a bad time, for reasons that aren't even worth getting into. it hurt me, a lot. comments she made to my friends and others found their way back to me and i was pretty devastated. more that she would act the way she did.

christmas last year was rough. too much to go into but we went to meet them in vegas at their request and it was a complete disaster. my parents haven't spoken to me since. (i know i'm not going into detail but i did nothing wrong here and i STILL have no idea why she was so angry).

a few months after she left me a voicemail asking why i was mad at her. i took the opportunity to write out all my feelings regarding the wedding, vegas and everything since. i was very careful not to place blame, acknowledge any part in i had and ask that we talk things out that i was tired of this sort of pattern in our relationship. no, this wasn't the first time she had gone long stretched without speaking to me.

i never got a response to that letter. which was pretty sad. but i was okay leaving things the way they were.

enter monkey. i had to figure out how i wanted to share the news with my parents. we decided to buy them gifts and mail them out to them. as we were at the ups store alex said to me "you know she's going to call you and you have to just pretend like nothing had happened" and i knew he was right. and i was ok with that.

he package was scheduled to arrive on a friday. in the meantime she had emailed alex about some other items (oh yeah, she still emails him, calls him on his birthday... while i didn't even rate an email or ecard. yes, i sent them birthday cards, mother's/father's day things, etc...) and in his response he mentioned to her that we had set them gifts and that they should open them together. her response was very negative about me how "no way i could have sent her a gift."

ok, fine.

so friday came. and saturday. and sunday. nothing. no call, email, nada. my little brother, who lives with them didn't know the news. we shared it with his sunday. he was excited and intrigued that they had not said anything to him about the package. finally he asked them what was in the package that had arrived on friday. my mother's response? "i put it in the closet. i have no intention of even opening anything from 'her.'"

seriously.

now my problem with this wasn't the absurdity. i mean, that's her choice. my problem was that they still didn't KNOW. and if they knew and close to ignore it that was one thing. you know?

so i debated what to do. i really didn't want to call her, i'll be honest. but i opted to call my dad at work. i got his voicemail and left him a message asking him to call me. generally my dad keeps neutral in whatever is going on and i can usually talk to him. he never called me back.

that was new, and it hurt.

finally after we got the second ultrasound picture, i emailed it both of them with a subject line of "your grandchild" in case they didn't read it, and a short note. signed it from both of us and waited. that was 3 days ago.

today, alex (why not me?) gets an email from my mother that says "gordon and i are happy for you."

that was it. we both think that is the last we'll hear from them.

all i wanted was for them to know and make their choice. and they've made it.

i'm done trying.

confirmed

i have no idea why i had such a hard time believing i am pregnant (even sounds weird to me now...). i think part of it stems from reading so many infertility blogs because i think the women are fantastic writers and interesting and whatnot. i also kind of feel like a traitor now. how weird is that?

i know, i have issues.

anyway, today was my official "first" appointment with the doctor. only it wasn't.

here's the deal.

in august we went to see alex's brother greg. the one with ms. on the 4 hour drive home, about 30 minutes from here alex asks me why i keep telling people who ask when we're going to have kids "well, i just started a new job so at least a year" when all along we hadn't planned on anything for a few years.

i have no idea why i said that to people other than it was a convenient answer and a way to get people to leave me the eff alone already.

the conversation basically ended when we decided maybe it was time. after that we were silent, both in shock, like, did we just decide to do this? we were going to go on my company trip a few weeks after that so we figured after we returned we'd "see what happens."

well, i'll tell you what happened! i pretty much knew instantaneously. i guess some people do. i was afraid maybe i was imagining it, but it something was different. the day to take the test came and i was pretty confident... until i looked at it and saw one line. then alex looked at it and pointed out there WAS a second one. sort of. barely. and what did that mean? here we are noses to the pee stick trying to figure out what it all meant.

being the impatient people that we are,we went straight back out to get the more expensive, digital test. and i did it the following day. (btw, i highly recommend these). i had scarcely put the cap on when the "positive" popped, very clearly, into the display. and there it was. clear as day.

calling the doctor that monday morning was anti-climactic but also surprising. they didn't want to see me for weeks. what? don't i need to go in and verify or something? no? really? well ok. and then BOOM they just tell you your due date right then! now I've learned since how easy it is to figure out and all that, but i guess i was expecting more... of a big deal? nope. june 4. there it is. crazy.

so that was that. and i waited. and then the next week came. with the spotting. everything i read said this "could be normal... but CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY" um, ok. so i'm freaked out and i call the doctor. i speak with a nurse. she tells me "not to worry unless it gets really bad or bright red." ok, what i want to know is who is the judge of this, exactly? cuz a first-time-pregnant-girl? not the best judge. i was a MESS.

the following monday (after a particularly horrible "spotting" weekend -- when does it cross the line to bleeding? i'm pretty sure it did while walking through whole foods) i had my first appointment which is only with a nurse to get a crapload of paperwork. we discussed the spotting and she asked when my first doctor appointment was. i told her in 2 weeks (today) and she said that wasn't ok and we needed to get in sooner. i'm pretty sure she was certain i was miscarrying, and didn't want to say it.

at any rate she manged to get me in the very next morning with a different doctor in the practice. i was nervous, but happy to finally know something. he explained to me all the things we could see (or not see) on the internal ultrasound. and that he wasn't sure we'd see anything since it was so early (7 weeks by their crazy math). turns out there was something to see. there was a little sac with a teeny-tiny monkey inside (we're not finding out the sex so that is what we're calling him). we got to see the little heartbeat and everything. he confirmed all was well.

and he also found the reason i was bleeding. the second, clearly visible, but empty, second sac. so i guess there had been a reason to worry after all.

i try not to get too upset about the other one... and focus on the happy, healthy monkey we do have.

since we had a picture, even though it was still very early, we felt "safe" telling people. that's a post for another time. although as soon as we told the first person i was TERRIFIED something would go wrong. convinced in fact.

for some reason the appointment today was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. i met my doctor (she's FAB) and i expected her to be overly cautious like the last doctor had been and be very careful to warn me of all the badness that we may see (or not see). but no, it was totally a normal visit. and we have a new photo. and he's so big! (ok, relatively, really only like 9mm, but GIANT compared to 2 weeks ago when you could barely see anything).

so there we have it. almost 9 weeks along. i want to be happy and not so worried. i thought today would do it, and it did. but now i have to make decisions about testing. argh.

it's just the beginning :)

(in case it doesn't sound like i'm excited, rest assured, i am. i talk to him all the time. yes, i'm one of those people. but i also talk to all kinds of inanimate objects too. and i can never take anything less than a whole bunch of bananas at the store because i feel so bad leaving those other ones behind. yeah, i have issues, and now i've overshared. ah well!)

yeah yeah

ok, i know i've been MIA for, ok, well a long time. i suck, fine.

well seems my new friend called me out for not posting so here goes.

truth is? i've been really overwhelmed by a lot lately.

since i last posted, we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary (very nice) and alex's 32nd birthday (let's really forget the part about me saying it was his 31st shall we? apparently i have no idea how old my husband is).

i also "broke up" with one of my old friends. certainly not my dearest by any stretch and it was a LONG TIME COMING but it still sucked. she did not take it well. she said some really nasty things to me, which although they hurt, it really reaffirmed for me that i made the right decision.

there's also all this complication with my mother. it's gotten worse, unbelievably, but it has. i have some really tough decisions to make about her and if i want to continue to try or not.

mostly i'm really ok with not. but things have changed recently.

because, yes, there is other news. good news. fabulous news even. but i'm still a little weirded out talking about it just... yet... ha! crazy isn't it?

i'll leave you with a photo. the photo says it all. this t-shirt is hilarious i think. especially given my particular set of circumstances. i try not to think about the fact that it's only available in junior's sizes... egad!

classic

we were eating dinner last night and our kitchen table is currently in a very inconvenient spot in the kitchen due to the tiling that still needs to be done on one end that's all cleared out. anyway, so my chair is placed in kind an odd spot and i was siting kinda sideways on it. so anyway. i needed to sneeze, so i turned even more to the side as not to sneeze in my dinner and somehow the angle i was sitting at coupled with the force of the sneeze.... i fell right out of my chair onto the floor.

sorry, no picture for this one.

**updated to add that i was able to throw my pita back onto my plate before i fell but alex also told me i managed to throw rice on him on the way down. ha!**

mobility

so we went for our first outing! during the work day! we left the house! it was very exciting. we did not venture far, just to the local coffee shop down the street. this place is very cute and the owners are so nice. we used to go all the time. they have like 37 sugar-free syrup flavors, it's amazing! most places will only only vanilla or hazelnut if you're lucky (i'm talking to YOU $5 per cup coffee giant!!! hmph!) ok, so they don't have 37 but easily like 16. seriously.

the problem is don't like their espresso. bummer eh? all those flavors and no fancy lattés for me. so sad. we usually just get steamers. anyhow, it did mean ti got to use my fancy laptop bag and i felt all official. we also found out they only have one decent sized table and that was already claimed by one woman so both of us had to squeeze onto a tiny round table. i mean we squeeze onto a tiny round table at home, but this was very tiny.

turns out the speed wasn't great and for what alex needed we had to be home, but yay for first outing!

the cape weekend

so the big weekend on the cape was nice.

we got to the detroit airport way early for our 9am flight on friday. there were like 3 people in line so we had a lot of time to kill. it was ok, but seeing as i had gotten like 2 hours or sleep the night before i was pretty wired, esp after my venti latte.

oh, the entire detroit shock team was on our flight too. i remember standing in line for boarding and suddenly being surrounded by 10 foot tall woman. alex leans over and whispers "i think the shock is on our flight, pretty sure that's bill lampeer over there" (or whatever his name is).

it was confirmed for us when alex started recognizing coaches that were taking their seats in first class. that's right. the coached were in first class. the team? in coach with the rest of us. i turn to him and said "you think the pistons sit in coach??" top which he answered "they have their own plane." now tell me, is this fair? the poor girls should at least get first class!

we arrived in boston without incident, early in fact! we had to wait for-eve-er to get our bags. i hate checking bags. but thanks to that no-liquid thing we had to. i also allowed me to indulge in my over packing. always dangerous. at least the shock didn't have to get their own bags. there were a team of 4 or 5 guys loading up. and up. and up. i'm surprised any of our luggage fit on the plane. at least it left no room for the snakes. ahem.

so we went over to hertz to get our car which had been upgraded to a volvo wagon. as long as it had the gps i dont' care what it was! we managed to meet up with jon (yay!) and had lunch then we departed when he had an appointment and then we started the drive to the cape.

it wasn't so bad. everybody told us about ow bad the traffic would be. it took about 3 hours. not too shabby, better than i expected. got to stop for a latte (woo!) and then it was my turn to drive. all was well until the ... bridge. why did i not think that through? i have an irrational fear of bridges. i used to have reoccurring nightmares about them in fact. so when we rounded the corner and i saw it tears sprung to my eyes. no joke. this... this is the bridge in my nightmares. oh god. alex offered pulling over but we couldn't, there was no where.

i made it. barely. it was horrifying.

anyhow. we got the place and checked in and realized how gigantic it was. we found our room, which was like a small apartment what with the kitchen, several rooms, washer and dryer... crazy! unfortunately we were on the bottom floor so it was all tile. that was a little yucky, but i'm not complaining.

the weather was quite chilly and dreary and sort of rainingish Friday. We had a few hours to tell before the reception to we trekked to one of the indoor pools (incidentally where EVERYONE ELSE STAYING THERE WAS OF COURSE) and chilled in the hot tub and whatnot. it was nice.

we got ready for the reception and headed over to the mansion. we had the entire first floor and the patio/balcony area that overlooked the ocean.i saw my boss and got to meet her husband. eventually met the others on my team and basically we all hung together most of the night. my coworkers wife and alex really hit it off and bonded about cars and whatnot. go figure! they are great people. trish and larry finally got there a bit later and the first thign she asked me was about the bridge and how i handled it. god i love her.

anyhow, it was a great night, we all went to the pub downstairs after and it was god to meet more people that i work with! crazy you know?

the next morning we met trish and larry to go have breakfast. where we also met up with my boss and her husband. we all talked about our plans for the day, since we didn't have a company event until 3pm. trish and i took off to get pedicures. the boys immediately went their own ways (boys are funny that way). we all met up for some pool time, it was a gorgeous day. then before we knew it it was time to head to the clambake.

the owner of my company gave a little talk and i realized how lucky i was to be part of a company where the employees are appreciated. it also made me REALLY realize just HOW crappy my last position was. alex and i both commented on that when we was done speaking.

there was food and drink aplenty then on to the beach for a fire and games. they even had a guy out there singing and playing the guitar. a few of us had a running bet on how many jimmy buffet songs he'd actually play.

then we moved to the tent for dancing and dessert. we were all going to head for the pub but there were FOUR weddings on premises that day so it was a bit packed. no matter, most people were leaving early in the morning so we left. by this time it was about 1am and we were starving. (having eaten at 3) so the 4 of us took off to find food. only everything closes in that area at like 9pm. we managed to find some pretty decent chinese food and then called it a night.

met trish and larry again for breakfast before we parted ways. it was sad. i love trish and i've not seen her since she was in my wedding! way way way too long!

we made record time back to boston and then met up with my little brother (since my mother had put the kibosh on it on friday) and ate lunch with him and headed back to logan. now, 2 hours early for detroit was MORE than enough. 2.5 hours for logan? not so much. good thing our plane was late getting in or else we would have missed it.

overall, long days of travel for basically one day at the cape. not complaining though it was a HUGE thing for them to give us and provide. amazing in fact.

it did, however, make us decide not to take a trip for our anniversary. we had wanted to go to seattle or washington or colorado. but it was going to be a 3-day weekend. and to go that far away for 3 days? not so much worth it. especially when we have to pay for things. alot easier when it's all paid for!

so, we'll be laying low. no plans yet, but it's all good. i really can't believe that it's almost been a year!

here's a picture of us getting ready to leave sunday. it was the last one left on the roll of the disposable we've been trying to use up for a year. our brand spanking new fancy camera should be arriving any second via fedex. (working for that big company that alex does has it's perks. :)

what's that smell?

so i'm in the kitchen toasting my mini bagelm cutting my tomato and peeling my orange while my latte heats up. i'm gazing out the kitchen window listening to the children playing in the yard of the house behind us. it's a lovely morning.

then i'm distracted by a smell... hmm... what is that? smoke! what the heck, is someone BBQing at 8am? wait, i can see some smoke, it's outside the window, it's nearby, it's ... WAIT it's coming from MY kitchen, but the toaster is over on the other side...

OMG my latte maker is smoking!

i switch it off and nonchlalantly call out "honey! my latte maker is broken."

"how do you know?" he answers.

"oh from the smoke billowing out of it."

so of course he has to do his manly duty of inspection to make sure it's not something stupid i did apparently. people, this is the simplest contraption on the face of the earth, i did NOT mess it up.

it also happens to make a pretty decent latte for what it is.

so he poked and prodded and turned it back on and explaimed "yeah this has to go."

so i'm a little sad. apparently we're going shopping today now though!

back to normal

haven't written much because frankly there hasn't been much going on.

pretty normal and that's good! i'm finishing up work on the LAST magazine. woo! i'm pretty excited about that. i won't miss this project. i will miss the paychecks, but they just aren't worth it anymore.

we're about to start in on the busy weekends! which is good but also frustrating. people, we NEED to finish the kitchen floor tiling. badly. and before it starts to get cold and since it's michigan that could happen, oh, next week. so that's frustrating me a little bit.

so friday morning we're off to the cape! for a long all-expenses paid weekend sponsored by my new company. this is exciting because well, it's free. it's a trip (to the cape!) and i'll get to meet my co-workers. also, since a very dear frien dof mine is one of my coworkers, it's especially nice. and i have not seenher since she was a bridesmaid in my wedding! also, since we have to fly into boston we get to have lunch with another dear friend who i have not seen since he was one of my MOHs at my wedding! very exciting. i will take photos, i promise. i don't ever take enough photos. i also want to finish a roll that has pictures on in from the trip-from-hell to the place-that-shall-not-be-named, as well as our visit to see my other MOH this summer and pictures from this past weekend when the boys chose to recreate something that alex say on mythbusters. ha. nice.

anyhoo... soon it will also be our anniversary! i can't believe it's almost been a year already. we will be going away for a long weekend that will be a "surprise" for me, altough i've already figure out it will be a sort of scouting mission as well to one of the places we've talked about moving to. so i'm exicited about that as well.

and also, someone's birthday immeditately follows the anniversary and i need to figure out gifts! for both occasions. he is THE hardest person to shop for. ever.

as well, so things are calm and normal and good. i love it!

eek! except for the fact that i thought i was having a good hair day. i think i was wrong!

probable

prob·a·ble adj.

1. Likely to happen or to be true.


2. Likely but uncertain; plausible.

let's go with the second definition, shall we? yes i think we shall.

well that's the verdict people, i have "probable" ms.

we met with the neurologist yesterday. i love that doctor truly. i am so lucky i got in with him. i'm still not sure how we pulled that off, but i'm ever so thankful.

so after entering his office and sitting at the desk with him he took a deep breath and told me my MRI was completely unchanged.

we even got to look at it on his computer instead of the usual films which i can never really understand. this was like 3d. and it was my brain. so that was a little weird. but still fun. sort of.

he pointed out what was normal and what wasn't. it was great. i thought, whew. we're in the clear.

he examined me (i kicked some serious butt in the exam i'll tell you. (thanks yoga! i missed you and i'm so glad we're friends again)

then he started talking about meds. and if we wanted to start them and went over the whole "there is no cure, only prevention" deal. yes, yes i know.

but, wait. why are we talking meds? i thought i was all set? what's going on. alex grabs my hand. doesn't make me feel very reassured. so i ask him, "do you consider me diagnosed?" suddenly that was really unclear.

he goes on to explain what my friend google had already told me. that there are many levels to diagnosis. there is no definite one, only "clinically-positive" and to be clinically-positive i needed to have a minimum of 5 lesions (which i, in fact, do). and have had at least 2 separate attacks on different areas. that's where it's fuzzy. the optic neuritis was pretty definite but nothing else has been enough to be called an attack so he cannot deem me clinically-diagnosed.

i was, however, diagnosed with "probable ms" and i could start meds if i wanted to.

well, no, thankyouverymuch, i'm not really interested. we had discussed this at length several times and had also discussed it with him several times and we all agree. until i NEED it, we're going to wait. there's a possibility i won't ever need it. there's a possibility i will and we're playing with fire i know.

it also effects other decisions as far as our new little family goes. and if/when we're going to try to do anything about expanding it.

it's always interesting isn't it?

today's pic? proof that my husband is super sweet.

sobering

we spent the weekend in kentucky visiting alex's brother greg.

this is probably the 4th time in the 3 years that we've been together that we've made the trip. it's not too far, about 4 hours-ish each way. greg is the second oldest of the 7, making him 47 years old, 16 years older than alex. he's a pretty cool guy.

he's also been living with MS for a little over 10 years.

now, i don't know all the details of everyting but i do know that he let the disease progress for awhile before going to the doctor. it had gotten to the point that most people thought he was a raging alcoholic since he'd fall all the time, black out sometimes and just generally was losing it.

it took greg a long time to face it himself. he was also pretty far along by the time ha was diagnosed. when we see him now everyone is very impressed with how he's doing and are quick to remind me i never saw him at his low.

i was, truthfully, very impressed with greg and how he lives on his own (i guess his wife left him after his diagnosis) and manages to get around using the bus system and really, it's quite impressive.

that is, until the time we visited him right after i had my LP. seeing greg then took on a whole new meaning to me. seeing how the MS has effected him. how he repeats things a lot. how eating is very difficult. how he has a hard time walking even with his braces. how one eye doesn't look straight ahead anymore and he can't read things unless they are up close. how he's kind of hard to understand until you get used to the slurry was he talks.

yes, that was a much different visit for me. knowing that could be my future.

then i was diagnosed. then un-diagnosed i guess.

then i had my latest MRI last week. i see the neurologist tomorrow morning. and for some reason i'm not feeling good about it.

seeing greg this weekend was... hard.

it's hard for me not to look at him and see all that he doesn't have now instead of focusing on all his HUGE accomplishments and to be amazed at how far he's come. i know that's not the right attitude, but i just can't shake it.

to hear him talk about his frustrations and what he "used to have" ...

he's one of a kind

our cat, griff, is priceless. we rescued him as an abandoned cat that a friend of alex's had found. he's so sweet. he's deaf and has TWO extra toes on each front paw and one on each back paw. he's also huge. and not fat, just a really BIG cat. he's all muscle.

we had to bring him to the vet yesterday for shots and nail trimming. i got the cat bag out to get ready. as we were getting ready to go we couldn't find him. now it's been a long time since he's "gone for a ride" so we didn't think he'd be avoiding the bag the way isaac was.

after a few minutes we found him.

guess he was ready to go!

everyone has their 'thing'

and one of our 'things' are when we feel we have eaten too much we call ourselves a "piggie pig pig pig." don't ask. we're crazy. i know that. but we find it hilarious. we also say it while poking ourselves in the belly.

have i also ever mentioned that i must have things in odd numbers? we can buy one, three, or five of something, etc. like candles, or candleholder have to have places for an odd number of candles.

escecially three. i love things in threes. like i said, crazy.

oh and tiny things. love them. no idea why. if i ever have a child i'm going to be out of control buying so many little tiny things. i love them. alex has a hard time getting me away from them. imagine when i have an excuse?

so, a few weeks ago we were downtown and we went into one of my favorite stores on main street and bought a few things. things i HAD to have. you know how it is.

one of these things was a 3-legged good luck pig.

need i explain how much i HAD TO OWN this little piggie pig pig pig? no, i didn't think so.

damn

thanks for the link irish. not sure i beleive it. i'm close to being a liar, see, like i said i was!

Your EQ is 147

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?