updating

oh man, what's new? what isn't it more like it.

surgery-wise things are great. in about 8 months I've lost about 135 pounds. i also have zero fream of reference for what i look like. before when i'd see photos of myself i'd be SHOCKED at how big i was. and it would depress me immensely and i'd hide the photos. i'd always make sure to be inteh back or out of the photo when it was taken. better yet, i'd always offer to take it. anything not to have to see myself in photos. now, i see photos of me an di'm critical, but for some reason still can't really SEE how far i've come. i know that sounds weird, but i hear most people actually take at least a year for their heads to catch up with their bodies. take this past weekend. it was warm and i wanted to wear my lighter weight jacket. this is the jacket i got maybe in october. it's the smallest size that you can get at a big-girl store. i couldn't zip it when we bought it, bu that was ok. i grabbed it out of the closet and put it on and stopped. i had to have the wrong coat. i literally checked. the sleeves were too long anf it was WAAAAAAAAAAY too big for me. like the you-can't-wear-it-it's-too-big-and-you-look-ridiculous kind of big. how'd that happen? crazy.

so other than needing to buy clothes every three weeks, it's been interesting. i also quickly lose the window of opportunity for clothes. take two old navy skirts i bought. too big. wore them each once. way to go.

in other helath news, i am tired all the time again. this comes and goes. headached seem to be a little better the last couple of months. the big thing is the eye. i'm really concerned about my eye. i guess it started this summer. two times the vision in my right eye was partially onscured and completley gray. very scary. happened twice, but only for less thana minute each time. so althoug it alarmed me, it was quickly forgotten.

then i noticed over the last few months that my vision seems to be getting worse. i figure, no big deal. my face is a lot smaller, my glasses must not be fitting right. i just need new glasses. makes sense, right? so i am going to me an eye dr appt when the whole sunject of lasik comes up. how i really don't want to have glasses for the wedding. great idea, right? alex says he'll front the money and i can pay it with the freelance check i'm getting. so i do the research, find wehre i want to go, we make the appt and go. they say i'm a fine candidate, give us costs, he leaves to go to work and i stay to do allthe furth testing. that's when the problem is found. my eyes are fine, but my right eye vision deteriorated in less than 6 months from 20/20 to 20/200. they can't correct it to better than 20/100 and tell me i have to go see specialists to find out the problem. of course i'm pretty upset about this. and concerned. there's nothing wrong with my eye but i'm going blind? fabulous.

then the insurance battles start. the lasik guy referred me to a neuro-othamologist at UofM. great. only insuance tells me it's out of network. ok. that's fine. so tell me what NO are in network and i'llbe happy to use that one. oh you can't? i see.

soi hav eto backtrack through my pcp, who sends me to a regular neurologist first. who sends me for the mri. and finds a dr i can see. i need to go to detroit to see the only other one in the state. fine.

so alex and i are leaving that appt when my mom calls. grandpa had a stroke, get on a plane. eye is forgotten.

i leave, spend a week and a half with him as he's declining rapidly. it was painful and hard and awful and i never want ot go through that again. horrible. although i am SO greatful i got to spend that time with him, watching him die was horrible. it's my granpa. i loved him so much. (and today is his birthday.) we buried him on christmas eve morning. i am greatful that alex was there and jon. that meant a lot to me.

so then i come back to orders to get an mri. an mri that the neurologist didn't think i needed. well ok. so i go do that. and that was horrible. i had a really hard time with it and decided that if i need to get another one i will need to be sedated.

i take the films to the appt with the NO. they can't figure out what i s wrong either. after hours of testing. they tell me my mri looks fine, save for some congenital defects (??). they need to test my vitamin levels (could be as simple as that), if those are ok, then i need to get some firther tests done to determine if its' optical nerve or retinal problems, they can't tell.

that was a friday. that saturday i get my blood drawn. tuesday mornign i get a call from the hospital to schedule the tests. wow, ok that was fast. guess the bloodwork was ok. then comes the week and half long battle to get insurance approval for the tests. approval comes on a friday at 4:50 for terts scheduled for the following monday. my birthday no less.

so i go to the hospital, on my birthday, with alex for these next rounds of tests that were jsut horrific. electrodes, giant contacts, movie screen, crazy stuff. my eyes hurt so much after that and i wa so wiped that i ended up going to sleep by like 8pm. happy birthday to me.

on a daily basis my eye is blurry, and i need to sit really close ot my monitor to see. color is hard, press checks are a nightmare and i can no longer drive at night. i'm dizzy a lot too.

i have not gotten the results of these tests yet, i go back on the 28th to the NO. in the meantime they wanted me to start vitamin a injections. sounds simple enough, i get b12 every month as it is, right? only problem, no one will do it for me. my pcp has been very uncooperative and downright rude, which i just cna't figure out at all. so i wait.

i'm trying not to freak out, but the two options they have presented me with are not ones i like. not one bit. either it's a gentic disease or MS. apparently my mri showed evidence of MS. great. but my visions issues arne't consistent with it. they are, however, with the genetic disease. seems like i have lumbar punctures and genetic testing in my near future. fabulous.

so i'm really trying not to freak out, but i'd also really like to not go bllind, so i hope all of this will be taken care of soon.

in other news, i'm getting married in 7 months. SEVEN MONTHS!!! sheesh. seems so soon.

my mom is coming out this weekend to go dress shopping with me, should be fun. aaron is also coming out to hang with alex. seems like he might move here. and live with us. it will be strange. but it surprisingly doesn't bother me. too much. right now. we'll see how it goes, he's here until wednesday.

ok, well, i guess that's a decent update for now. oh. that and i filed for bankruptcy, to clear out all the crap from the ex. and inthe process i ended up with a new car, go figure.

ok really, time to work now.

the newer me

i saw that josh had commented on my site (tahnks josh!) and i realized that picture was old. here's a newer one. i need to get back to updating this thing. this was last week, a little over 7 months out now. down 128.

the new me

so, here it is. 24 weeks since surgery. and no, that doesn't equal 6 months. 6 months will be on december 2.



the first photo is 3 days pre-op and the other one was takes yesterday. it's crazy. things have changed.

pumpkin face

ok, totally unexpected thing happened today.

since alex's schedule has ben so screwy, we don't see each other much. he's asleep when i leave, i'm asleep when he gets home, etc etc. i try to get up when he gets home but if i do it throws me all off so it's hard. so he's been trying to get up early enough to go to the gym and have lunch with me before he has to make the hellish drive to the office where he's training staff.

so today i call tomake sure he's up at 10:30 as usual and to my surprise he's dressed and getting ready to leave. he sas he's coming ot have lunch a little early today. ok... weird. so he calls me when he's outside to come out (he usually jsut walks in and meets me at my desk). ok... then calls right back to say to bring out a garbage bag. huh? a what?

so o grab one and go outside and he susrprised me with 2 big pumpkins and everything we need for carving.

i was a little upset we dind't have time to do them together, and figured we weren't gonna. he was SO proud of himslef that he did this and brought everything we needed so we sat at the picnic table in the yard and carved our pumpkins. he took pictes with us and pumpkins making the same faces we put on the pumpkins. when i have them from him, i'll post.

very fun, very sweet.

time for a change

seems to me that things they are a changin' and i either have to take to this again or scrap it. i feel like i have enough to talk about that maybe it's time to take it up again. course since i changed the tamplate, i'll have to customize and add links back and all that fun stuff, but i'm ok with that. but i don't want to do it yet, not yet. have to see if it sticks this time around. i think it might.

i realize i'm not entirely sure i know who i am anymore.., and i'm not sure why, maybe this will help me figure it out.

way way WAY too long

...since i last wrote in this.

i dn't know why, jsut been too preoccupied with other stuff i guess. my life is so different now.

so today i'm offically eight weeks out from surgery. eight weeks. so long and so short all at the same time. it's funny, becasue as much as i never would admit it my life totally revolved around food all the time. constantly thinking about what i'd eat later, how i could stop and get some fries without anyone knowing. planning things to the point of obseesing about what theperson at drive thru thought of my order. was it too much? did they assume it was all for me? maybe i should order a ton, then they'd know it wasn't for me. once, a loooong time ago i even pretended to be on my cell phone confiming what th other person wanted as an order at thepickup window. you know, so they'd know it wasn't all for me. how sad is that? i've never admitted that before. weird.

so now? my life revolves around food even more! i feel like i'm eating ALL DAY LONG and always trying to plan what my next thing to eat is, having to keep track of everything. it's exhausting. worth it, but exhasuting. in fact went to see a nutritionist for counseling today to ake sure i was on track. crazy.

add in the problem that i'm supposed to be ultra fertile right now, yet i can't get pregnant for 2 years (not that i would before then anyhow) and no concensus seems to be made over what form of bc is best for "us."

and let's not talk about what i eat. cheese. it's all cheese. oh and pork rinds. how effed up is that shit? not what i pictured. but gotta go with what you can "tolerate" there's a word i've grown to hate. oh that and "plateau" ugh.

all in all i guess i can't complain. i've not had any major complications at all.

in other news, we got the garden for the wedding ceremony. i'm stoked about that. a little pricey, but gorgeous. really lovely.

and my mom and dad are coming to visit. in a few weeks. my dad has never been out here, so that's neat. we'll see. my mom wants to go to look at dresses. don't get me wrong, i want to as well, but i have no idea what i'll be like come wedding time, so it's not like i can really pick one out.

oh, and we'll end this on a hppy note. getting reay to go to sleep the other day. all cuddled up and just starting to drift off. very content. out of nowhere alex says "i'm so ready to spend the rest of my life with you."

holy fuck

today is my last day at office. wednesday i go in.

i'm a basket case. totally and completely.

could i be more self-absorbed?

it didn't occur to me until right now that i did not get alex a gift for our big anniversary this wknd. what did he do? oh booked us this fancy place got us all these play tickets. and i knew that, i've known that for awhile. and it never once occured to me that i did not get him a gift. until right now.

i'm SUCH an ass.

19 days left

the more i learn the more m'm freaking out. i've never been in the hospital for a procedure before and now i'm getting my insides completely refigured! i'm not having second thoughts at all, just a little scared.

so, alex talked me into getting those neosporin scar strips thing to try to minimize my scars. i wonder how he really feels about them sometimes. i notice he rubs the insides of my wrists a lot, which always makes me feel a little weird. so the other night i asked him why he was so hot on my using them and he said it was a reminder of a bad time. ok, that's fair.

i guess they really jsut don't bother me as much anymore. i used to not be able to look at my scars without starting to cry or remmebering the feeling of the knife, or the emotions that i went though that day and reliving it over and over and over... so i guess that's a good sign. i don't even know how noticable they are really.

do i wish i had never done it? i mean, i guess the right answer is yes, but since it got me out of the situation, eventually and got me to where i am today, so no, i guess i don't.

something new

i've not talked about american idol yet this season. i dunno. i'm still addicted to it but can someone tell me what is up with all these theme nights? latin? the 'solid as a rock' people? manilow? wha'ts up? now disco night? blows.

jeniifer leaving didn't bother me, i never liked her. can she sing? oh yes. but she annoys me. cna't stand her. i was fine seeing her go. redhead took too long, everyone knows that. but WHY did george go before jasmine? that wasn't right. and if she doens't go this week, well, then, i might be done with the show.

who's going to win? i dunno. i guess i'm rooting for latoya.

in other black women news, i hat to admit it but it does bother me **a little** that i never tlaked ot nina more that for that 30 seconds. i was too hyped up to know what to do with her on the other end of the line, and i think i missed my chance. my chance for what? i'm not entirely sure.

eh.

losers

i'm actually doing a pretty good job at getting less stressed i think. i'm starting to get more and more excited. i'm thinking about all the things that are good: new clothes! rollerblades! biking! hiking! walking, even! wearing my dream wedding gown. having awesome wedding photos, etc etc. it's going to be unbelievable and amazing.

i'm still scared though. scared of coming home with a drain. that scares the bejeezus out of me.

ok, so i need to get this off my chest. there's this whole, well, cult of people who want or have had this surgery and there's all sorts of messageboards, etc.. but i have to tell you... i think it's kinda, well.... gay. they call themselves "losers." LAME. they want to be your "angels" to help you through it. LAME! i mean, i understand the support nature. hell, i even have an angel (gag. she's great but if she signs another email 'your angel' i'm going to lose it).

is that wrong of me? i mean, i'm gonna be one of them. one of them actually said to me "we'll save you a seat at the losers bench." please!!! could that analogy be any worse?? especially since people going through this have little or no self-esteem to begin with. who thought up THAT brilliant name. ugh.

maybe i am just a loser.

*sigh*

so my date has changed. one week later, june 2nd. no big deal, but i'm really disappointed.

23 days

i can't believe i'm having surgery in 23 days. i know this site is goign to turn it's focus to what this is like 100% now, not that it want's before. i'd like to transition to my real url (hello, jon!) so i can post pictures and stuff... we'll see. maybe when i'm home for two weeks recovering, i can get that going.

i'm so freaked out. i am so scared. now that it's real i feel like i know nothing and can't remember anything i'm supposed to do. AH!!!

W04021300140

that's the number that's going ot change my life. my approval code. i feel like getting a tattoo of it.

i have a date

i have a fucking date for surgery!!!!! i don't believe it. i'm in awe.

my mom is not thrilled, i'll have to work through that.

what a year it's been.

so i'll be simultaneously be recovering/adjusting, doing home improvements and planning a wedding.

sheesh.

my whole life is going to change. big time.

I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had my hearing and they were suppose dto tell me tomorr wbut they called like 10 minutes after and TOLD ME I GOT IT!!!!!!

I WON!!!!!!!

IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

because i like to rip things off and i need a distraction right now

firsts & lasts

firsts
first best friend: stephanie huot
first job: taco bell, baby
first screen name: malatesta
first self purchased album: def leppard "pyromania"
first crush: nathan cullerot in the fourth grade. he used to draw me pictures and buy me candy.
first funeral: a distant relative and i don't really remember, but i remember we walked into the wrong room.
first piercing: ear.
first credit card: for the store the weathervane in high scool.
first true love: nina.
first enemy: tonya simpson.
first big trip: i went to mexico and florida and california when i was young, before my mom remarried, but it's vague.
first play/musical/performance: i think it was "the king and i" with my mom. i was really young.

lasts
last cigarette: new orleans, in the funky pirate while drinking horny gators.
last car ride: to work this morning.
last bus ride: in new orleans as a connector and also oak alley plantation the morning i was going to get engaged.
last good cry: good cry? i don't remember. last time i cried, cried was during wedding planning stress.
last library book: "the kid" by dan savage
last movie seen: "13 going on 30"
last beverage drank: fruit2o plus, berry relaxing
last food consumed: salad for lunch
last crush: holly
last phone call: jmac
last tv show watched: 24 last night
last time showered: this morning
last shoes worn: my black work shoes.
last annoyance: a co-worker's stupidity.
last disappointment: my insurance company being stupid.
last ice cream eaten: phish food cone at ben & jerry's free cone day yesterday.
last shirt worn: currently, i'm wearing a white one with blue and blach vertical striping. the last one before this was a turtleneck i wore to work yesterday. thrilling.
last website visited: here. that's where i got this.

what kind of twilight zone am i in?

i don't know when my world got all screwy but i'd like it back to normal please.

yesterday was supposed to be my big hearing with the insurance company. the one they sent me a certified letter about. the one that i've sent them 83 pages of documentation on. the one that i've been a total stressball about for weeks. you know, my last shot and all. the one that i got my case worker, her boss, a surgeon and my orthopedic doctor involved in. that all of us were waiting for this 2pm conference call. that never came.

we called, we all did and spoke with her seperately. all told her we were scheduled to be in on this hearing. i've stressed about it, i've prepared for it. i did all i could and then i waited. i waited for my last chance to present my case and try to convince this big group of executives why i should be approved.

so i wait. we all wait. for the 2pm call. it's 2:30. 3:00. i call my caseworker to see if she's heard anything. no, she says. they're probably just running late. i call the insurance coordinator at 3:15, get voicemail. ask what's going on and to please call me. it's 3:30, 3:45, 4:00. i call my casewroker again, they try to calm me. 4:30. my phone rings, i answer it, ready to battle.

it's nina.

WHAT THE FUCK? and she talks in that way of hers like i was expecting her to call, like we talked 5 minutes ago. hey, you have time to talk? chit chat? like i forgot? like i forgot how it ended? how hostile and ugly and awful and terrible we ended? like she didn't drop off the face of the earth and leave me with one giant mess and a bunch of scars inside and out to deal with? hey, what's up c. silva? like any other day?

WHAT THE FUCK??? call me later, here's my number. i feel the spell. the power she always has over me. the power she had over me for 6 years. i can feel myself sinking into it. it's happening again.

thank GOD for jon. that god for his sanity, for his support, for his rationality. i want to call her, but what do i do? i need to tell alex. i need him to know. then it won't be real anymore.

as soon as i do, the spell is broken, i can feel it's different. he knows this isn't good, but he doesn't know anywhere near anough about her. about me. about what we were to really understand the implication of this phone call.

but i'm different now, right?

it's 5pm. time to leave work. didn't get the phone call i deperately needed and got one that turned me all inside out.

so i go home. and i'm so happy to see alex. to see my life, the normal, normal life i have now. we talk about the insrance company. and how ridiculous it is.

he asks me if i want to talk about my phone call that i did get. i have to, but i don't want to.

i tell him. we discuss it. it's ok. we don't talk about my calling her back, although i tell him i kind of want to, that i'm curious. that i want to tell her i'm getting married. i'm off the market. we're really done this time.

i come to work this moring ready to figure out all these phone calls. my cell phone rings at like 8:05am. it has to be my mom, who else? it's the insurance lady. she tells me that i never requested to be part of the hearing.

EXCUSE ME????????

after i told her EXACTLY what i thought about that. i've talked to this woman several times. my people have talked to her. i called yesterday morning to verify. DON'T YOU TRY TO TELL ME THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE INVOLVED.

i think my favorite was that she said she didn't have my cell number. even though i've changed my phone numbers with them 3 times. and then, as i pointed out to her, she JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE.

people all around me in the office heard me and were glad they were not on the receiving end of that phone call. i'm supposed to hear back. ridiculous. totally ridiculous.

sunshine day

saturday we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the more i think about it the more the movie, and what it meant to me, kinda fucked me up. i've been kind of messed up since then. i planned to post all my thoughts on it but i just don't feel like getting into it right now.

i stand corrected

my bad. jon, you're absolutely right. i want to be a choreographer. so bad. maybe i blocked it because secretly in my mind i already am.

been so long...

that there's been a friday five, i didn't bother checking on friday.

1. What do you do for a living?
graphic designer

2. What do you like most about your job?
that i love it

3. What do you like least about your job?
mmm.... when a client makes you do exactly what they want, even when you know it's not in their best interest

4. When you have a bad day at work it's usually because _____...
someone is being stupid. silly drama....

5. What other career(s) are you interested in?
i have always wanted to be an astronaut... although that's not as cool these days. honestly when i'm independantly wealthy i want to make jewelry and do design for good causes (like breast cancer awareness, etc...)

getting calmer

i SWORE i'd never be one of those girls who was a mess when it came to her wedding. yeah, that went out the door REALLY quickly. poor alex. i don't envy him the next few months.

but i think i have a little bit of a leg to stand on. first of all, i've only got like 50 people max that i am going to invite. he's got at least 100. at least. that's because he needs to invite EVERYONE he's related to in ANYWAY. and not to be a brat, but i have a little experience here, black families are friggin huge! and he has to invite all his cousins and all their kids and all their kid's kids. and that's only his black side of the family. then he's got his mom's side with is 6 siblings, thier spouses, their kids, UGH! then there's his dad who wants us to do this or do that, or use this place or that. and invite a bunch of HIS friends. at least with his dad i think the answer is clearly "no money, no say." isn't that terrible? but we're footing the bill ourselves completely.

and as far as the extended family goes, i think there should be some sort of age limit (as in really young kids). i also think that if he hasn't seen them it the last year. if i don't even know who they are and if, say, they didn't know he had a girlfriend, i think they could probably be discluded. cuz i've not met 100 people in the past year, i tell you that much.

and i'm NOT having a backyard bbq for my reception. no thanks. or a vfw hall. nope. i'll pull my "i'm the bride, it's about me" card if i have to.

on the upside, i think we're going to spain, that could be really fun.

already too stressed

we've not even been engaged a montha nd i'm already so stressed out and frustrated that i've been in tears twice, and i'm having migraines galore.

it's not supposed to be like this.

i vote for vegas.

how things change

i feel like i've gone thorough a great upheaval in the last few weeks. like the direction i thought i was going in came to a screeching halt and now i need to make a turn and get going. planning a wedding? for like 200 people? NOT something i thought i'd be doing right now. at all. it's exciting and stressful and fun and crazy and... expensive.

i think there were certain things i wanted t have in a wedding that we're not going to be able to do/have since we're footing the bill. but it's ok. only one day, and i REFUSE to get into more debt over it. that's another thing... i wanted to get some of my ex-debt paid off before getting alex all affiliated with me and that's not going to happen. he knows how i feel about it, but he doesn't care. guess that's good.

the other thing... with my new name comes new insurance. ones that i could get approval through. so these are the choices as i see them:

1. wait until spring, get new insurance and hope to god policies don't change before then.

2. elope now, get insurance, get approval, have big wedding in a year as planned (and be happy with the photographs)

i'd really like option 2... but i dunno. he actually suggested it, although i think he was half joking. i'm doing my appeal now, if it doens't go through (it won't) i think i might press for #2. thoughts?

in the meatime, my mom is here to do the big meeting of the parents. we're looking at a place tomorrow that i'm really excited about. i have a band that i want (but i'm sure we won't be able to afford) but i DO have a great photographer lined up already that i'm really excited about.

so all in a all, a good start.

where to begin?

seems like a lifetime since i wrote on this.

lots has happened. went to new orleans. got sunburned. got drunk. ate too much. listened to lots of blues. oh, and got engaged.

that's right. i got myself a big 'ol diamond on my left hand. fancy, custom done, like nohting i've seen before. AND he's had it for 3 months. it's still not real to me, i swear.

more later.

at this time tomorrow...

i hope to be sitting somewhere on bourbon street, drunk.

it's been a hard coupla of weeks and i'm looking forward to it, for sure.

there's got to be something really wrong here

so i was finally ok enought to call my casewroker today. too upset yesterday.

GET THIS. they told her that i was approved! THEN turn around and tell her no. how is that possible?? we're waiting for the official letter now to get ready for appeal.

i will win. oh yes, i WILL win.

tough day

as much as i anticipated this answer, it's had me on the verge of tears all day. i know going home right now isn't going to make me feel better. alex cancelled his plans for tonight cuz he "didn't feel well." bullshit. i know he wants to be home with me because he knows how upset i am. and that's fine and all, but i didn't want him to cancel his plans to babysit me. i'll be fine. i always am, somehow. he even emailed keith to "make sure someone is watching out for her since i can't." i dind't know whether to be awwwed by that or angry. if i hadn't told keith what was going on i would have been livid, because keith, of course, asked lot sof questions. and i would have felt obligated to tell him. at least he already knew, i guess. people are asking me if i can appeal. i don't know. maybe. i'm not sure i have the energy to though. maybe i'll feel differently in a day or two or twenty.

now what

now that i got the call i was expecting all along... a big fat no... what do i do now? i don't think i could handle this process again. i'm already back to thinking about what to do about alex. i feel pretty destroyed. and i know it's because i found out about 15 minutes ago. i can't help thinking that being with me is not fair to him. if this thought persists, i'll have to share it with him, obviously. i guess i just need time to think this all through. not now though. right now i need to focus on work and focus on not bursting into tears sitting at my desk.

aw

saw this quote from here today.

"people come into your life destined to leave it. you can wrap your arms tight around them, the best that you can hope to do is just slow them down a little. because there's no holding on tight enough."

shared with boy.

me: isn't that sad?
boy: yes
boy: <-- holds on to you tight.

aww.

that was after trying to reach me on im when i was in a mtg. i get back.

me: what did you want to tell me?
boy: it wasn't important I just wanted to hear your voice in my head

it's been a very aww morning.

four days

and we're leaving for new orleans. i suddenly feel so overwhelmed. so much to do to get ready. so much!!!!

no five today?

the i just picked an old one randomly from a past year. so there.

Jan 31, 2003

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why?
the greatest american hero... beleive it or not iiiiiiiiiiiii'm walkin on air! never thought i could feel so fre-e-eeeeeeee!

2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got?
snoopy sno-cone maker. but my wonderful boyfriend got me one for christmas this past year!

3. What's the furthest from home you've been?
i guess london or bath.

4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet?
how to make jewelry. hopefully that will change this spring.

5. What are your plans for the weekend?
having a fdwq get together tonight. going to lowe's for a flooring demo tomorrow. then going out here tomorrow. not sure about sunday. probably the usual house stuff and groceries. although it IS supposed to be 55 this wknd!!!

ha!

i always thought other people's site referrals were funny to see. and i just saw my first one! the search was for GHETTOASS!!!! what a fantastic first referral! that's so exciting.

drastic measures

ok, ok, so jon thought my post about breaking up with alex was a bit much. yeah, ok. i get that. and it is. and i know i won't. but i'm just so wound up about finding out what's going to happen. i know he doesn't care one way or the other. he's really fantabulous about it. really. it's more about what it is doing/will do to me and my psyche.

more and more i think about how i don't fully appreciate how good i have it right now. ESPECIALLY in contrast to the 6 years of hell i went though. and i can admit that now, it was hell. pure hell. i can't believe i survived it, truly.

melissa asked me where she was the other day. nochalantly. like she used to when she thought i was lying to her (which i always was)... that kind of threw me. like, do you really think she's still around?? and i guess she did. and after me lying to her for so long i guess i shouldn't be surprised.

truthfully, i do wonder a little bit about where she is. if she's got her shit together or if she's still smoking crack. i have to assume she is, that she's found someone else to take advantage of (and for my own sanity). i mean, after 34 years things aren't gonna change overnight.

so as i was saying... i've got it good. and i need to remember that. and realize that i've found someone who treats me as i should be treated... like someone he loves. not someone to manipulate and twist and play and use and hurt over and over and over again...

still hope, only a glimmer

so, my file is in review with the medical board. there's still hope. i guess. still makes me want to puke.

one of the sheep

a music meme

1. open your mp3 player.
2. put all of your music on random.
3. list the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing

1. drive - melissa ferrick
2. friday - daniel beddingfield
3. sister christian - knight ranger
4. desire - u2
5. rosa parks - outkast
6. i do - 3lw f. loon
7. what up gangsta - 50 cent
8. i think i'm in love with you - jessica simpson
9. oh my god - pink f. peaches
10. solitary man - neil diamond

and because everyone else did it twice:

1. sunday morning - maroon5
2. both hands - ani difranco
3. baby got back - sir mix-a-lot
4. i think it's better - jill scott
5. tonight, not again - jason mraz
6. i wanna be with you - mandy moore
7. crazy - testosterone kills
8. volcano - damien rice
9. caught in the rain - revis
10. woodburning - toad the wet sprocket

trying not to think about it

i'm really trying not to think about the fact that i'm still waiting. i've completely resigned myself to the fact that it's not happening. and i'm trying to leave it at that.

instead, i'm trying to focus on the impending trip. oh yes, we leave in 10 days for new orleans! i'm excited as i've never been there. i do wish jon was coming but i'm so psyched for him that he's going to london. i'm still trying to finalize my tattoo design, although i'm not sure i'm ready for this one just yet. better get on it though.

in other news, and this is really shameful to admit, i'm trying to get my site up like jon and kia have done. i've got the domain, but that's about it! i can't figure out what to do now. i want to do it in movable type like they did but i don't have the time to commit to figure it out. but now that i have the domain and the host, it seems silly not to do it. plus i should be able to figure it out. alex could help me, but i really don't want him to know where this is. how awful is that? i don't want him to see what i write about him. i suppose the makes me a bad girlfriend. eh, oh well.

eventually i'll get it together. i hope.

so much pressure!

jon is the one that made me start this, and the only one that knew about it. and now he tells me that people are linking to me!!! oh christ. i can't take that kind of pressure.

monday again

time flies. seriously. i can't believe that another weekend is over. i can't beleive today marks 9 months ago that i first actually met alex. crazy. how much he's become my world. we were grocery shopping last night and realized we both love ginger snaps. guess it's meant to be.

in other news... there still isn't any news. alex was after me "did you call polly? call polly! why haven't you called polly?" or some variation there of. but what is she gonna do? if she knew ANYTHING she'd call me. so i called her. to stop the pestering mainly. saying things like "i know you don't know anything, but alex was pestering me..." she says she's goin to try to find out something this afternoon. we'll see.

ironically we emptied the big stuff out of the summer home. ugh.

waiting

i'm tried of waiting. i'm done with it. this last week had felt like an eternity. and each day that goes by, each hour that i don't get a phone call resigns me more and more to the fact that it's going to be a "no." why? i don't know. no reason. i think that they must be mailing me the rejection. otherwise i'd get a call. rejections always come in the mail. and i know this whole stress about all this is what's making me tried/sick/listless/miserable. so if it is a "no" then what? i was thinking about that a lot last night. and to his banefit, alex has been great. saying things like "if it's a 'no' you know there are other options right? it will be ok, you know that right??" i nod, but i don't really feel it. i don't think i could take a "no" again. i really don't think so. and then the more i think about it, there really aren't alternatives. not for me. not really. which is why i want it in the first place. and then i think about what it will do to my relationship if it's a "no." and more and more i think that if it is, i might end my relationship. sound rash? maybe, but think about it... my self-esteem is on the low side. and i know that it already bothers him. there are tons of things that i can't do. and i REFUSE to have children in this state. well, why should he be building a life with someone like that? it's not fair to him. and do i think a "yes" will magically change all of that? no, it will be a hard road for a bit, but i know it will change me. completely. but i guess it will either way.

i'm just tired of waiting.

friday five... actually on friday!

When was the last time you...

1. ...went to the doctor?
last thursday

2. ...went to the dentist?
last summer, when i punched the dentist.

3. ...filled your gas tank?
right this very morning in fact, making me late for work

4. ...got enough sleep?
ah, tricky, tricky.... probably like amonth ago when i came home from work on friday, got on the couch and woke up at like 4am. then went back to sleep until like noon. i think i was tried.


5. ...backed up your computer?
my work one gets backed up everyday. my laptop? never.

i heart you

ha ha... i've never done that. i think it's cute when i see it, but it's not really me. but i thought it was fitting giving that i was going to talk about valentine's day.

so i got these japanese calligraphic prints for alex, but they came like a month early. and i have a real problem waiting when it comes to stuff like that so i ended up convincing him to open it. but then that means that i needed to get him something else. which usually means something for me to wear... but then there's nothing to open. i went shopping, got a nightie that had some real significance to us, so that was great. friday afternoon i decided i wanted to get him a pair of boxers. you know ones with lips or hearts on them. something cheesy but cute. so i run over to marshall fields at lunchtime and i find them. black, silky, with red shiny hearts all over them. perfect.

on the way home stop a tthe new hallmark to get a gift bag or something to put the boxers and the candy in. i'm sitting in the car wrapping the boxers in tissue paper and i notice they have velcro on them. i think, ok, that's weird, why would they have a velcro closure? oh well, and stuff them in the bag.

cut to 6am saturday morning. the i-can-barely-kick-him-out-of-bed-at-7-on-weekdays boy is wide awake and ready to go. ugh. we exchange gifts. he takes out the boxers, we laugh, he puts them on. then it's the "why is there velcro on the....WOOSH" in one swift move, they're off. I BOUGHT HIM TEAR-OFF BOXERS!!! at marshall fields no less!!! so funny!!!!

so anyhow, we had a nice day. ddr-ed in the morning. he had reservations at this restaurant for lunch that i had wanted to go to, so we did that. and then saw 50 first dates. which wasn't awful. then we went at look at couches, stopped at borders for treats and that was that.

until i got to try out the removability of the new boxers myself later. ;)

it's a revolution!!!

we got our ddr ON last night! about 7:30 our pads and game arrived and alex played a little while i made dinner. we must have done it for like 3 hours at least. so fun! can't believe it! and how quickly we started becoming good at it. i can't believe we own it. fun AND exercise! how can you lose? can't wait to go head to head with him that will be a SOFA KING good time.

in other news, i want this. in motor green, of course. check out the theater!

the year itch

i've had the year itch in regards to lots of things. jobs, cars, people (to some degree)... i've not been at a job more than a year. well, except cdg, but that wasn't by much. and i LOVE that i'm still on their site. that just rocks.

and i'm getting it again. but i think that has a lot ot do with the general unsettling that had descended on our office. well, at least with most of us. the fdwq bunch, as keith so eloquently puts it. it would be great of something happens. but i'm not sure it will. or at least not the way it should.

ok, i'm going ot admit something here that is probably pretty obvious but i had not been willing to admit. ready? i'm not sure i was ready to jump into a new relationship. wow, that's a shocker huh? although my last relationship was over a long time before i admitted it was (years), i think i needed time to myself. on my own. as much as i didn't want it. i didn't look for alex, he kind of fell in my lap. and he's fantastic, don't get me wrong. i love him completely. but am i being 100% back to him? i don't know. i can't honestly answer that. and that bothers me.

i know alot of my bad tendencies and bahaviors are still there. i have not fully repaired myself. last night is a perfect case in point. that's what's got me thinking...

friday five

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?
up and moved to michigan (again)

2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?
gosh, i'll have to come back to that one. i'd say surgery, but that's only because of my mom, everyone else is into it.

3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)
3.5?

4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?
meeting alex

5. ... and what's the worst?
a certain 6 year period of my life, esp how it ended

the friday five

way way late, i know.

"You have just won one million dollars:

1. Who do you call first?
alex

2. What is the first thing you buy for yourself?
a debt free existance

3. What is the first thing you buy for someone else?
a house

4. Do you give any away? If yes, to whom?
family and friends for sure

5. Do you invest any? If so, how?
definitely. i don't know though, i'd have to consult my accountant

so bad

i'm getting bad at this updating thing again. *sigh*

so the ohio weekend wasn't nearly as awful as i thought it would be. we did end up staying at brian's, but it was all good in the end. jason and satomi let us stay in the guest room. the convention wasn't so bad. saw some very, um, interesting costumes. oh my.

we all ended up having dinner at a japanese restaurant. i used to like japanese food but haven't been too thrilled with it lately. my dinner was ok. alex drank a lot and was a little obnoxious. (little bratty sidenote: it was MY birthday and since apparently i was driving i didn't get to drink anything. not that i necessarily wanted to, but there was zero discussion about it. and that irked me a little bit. i'm not sure i like now he gets when he drinks -- read: stops listening to me completely -- so i'm a little apprehensive about new orlens. but i know i'm being hyper for no reason.)

anyhow... it was ok. i don't really hate brian anymore. and i DID get introduced to ddr. apparently i'm the only person on the planet that had not been informed about this little phenomenon. and as a person witha secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer that's just WRONG! so i was so into it. loved watching these uber geeks just break out in this incredible speed dancing. course since i showed such an intrest you know alex ordered our very own ddr that should be arriving in like a week. all well and good but does he think i'm going to do it in front of him!!! please.

which brings me to my last topic. my life is potentially going to completely change soon. everyone keep your fingers crossed. (that means you jon, you know you're the only one who reads this!)

friday five

i'm a friday five virgin, but no more!

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ...song?
Volcano, Damien Rice

2. ...food?
Anything that comes out of my showtime, especially steak with blue cheese sauce

3. ...tv show?
friends

4. ...scent?
alex

5. ...quote?
"they can call me crazy if i fail, all the chance that i'll need is one in a million, and they can call me brilliant if i succeed" ani d.

sometimes i don't get me

so there's been all this talk and upsetedness over my birthday wknd, right? so alex FINALLY gets it. FINALLY gets that no, this wknds plans are not ok with me. in his mind, we'd just celebrate it next wknd when he's talking me to the folk festival. um, ok. i get that. but to me, my birthday is on a saturday, why not celebrate it on a saturday? THAT SATURDAY, not any saturday.

so i say to him, "hey, what if i get us a place in columbus saturday night." that way i'm not saying "spend money on me!" besides, i found a great deal for the westin for a night. but then i decide: hey, maybe i am being a brat and we'll be with his friends, i shouldn't take him away from them and we'll just celebrate it next wknd.

meantime, i had already sent him the "hey i'll get us a place saturday night" email. i get home and he says he'll get the room. what do i do? say no. make him promise that he won't. because it's not really about the room, it's about him getting it. and he got it then. so i guess that's what matters. although WHY DID I SAY NO TO A NIGHT AT THE WESTIN??? argh.

then, last night we were eating after the seminar i dragged him to and he says "where do you want to have your birthday dinner?" now, i know FULL WELL where he wants to go. the same place we always go when we go to ohio, the wing place. is this where i want to go? no, not really. but again, his friends are there and i know that's where they all want to go. cuz that's what we always do. and then he's saying things like "well, if it were MY birthday i know where I'D want to go" so i'm all like "yeah fine, we'll go to the lube, i assumed we were."

why don't i assert myself? say what i want? i never get that about me.

trips

seems like there's been lots of trip planning as of late. like going to new orleans in march, yay! seems that worked out for the best. got a timeshare thanks to my parents and melissa and trish will be joining us for part of the week which will be so much fun.

then there's planning for our 1 year anniversary. yep, already. alex had the idea to go to stratford and was so so so excited about it. i will be fun. especially since i got to pick the b&b we're staying at which is so fancy! yay for the blue room!

but then there's this wknd. my 27th birthday. i have a horrible track record on birthday experiences, thanks to my ex. i recall one in particular roaming around the super, super bad ghettoass area of hartford at like 1am looking for the RENTAL car i had at the time. hoping to run into the dealer i suppose who would just hand it over to me? who knows what i thought would happen. then taking a nap at a "friend" of her's total crack den while i waited for the guy who was supposed to show up at 3am. good times, good times.

so after 6 years of spending my birthday in various degrees of badness, i had high hopes that my boy would do someting nice. i guess i excpeted him to know that i've had shitty birthdays and that, for once, i wanted to feel like a princess.

yeah. well, no, that ain't gonna happen. cuz he had talked me into going to THIS before i knew when it was. so that's right folks, i'll be spending my birthday wknd at an anime convention in columbus, ohio. (cuz y'all know how much i love that anime). the only way it could get worse is if we had to stay at zellner's. oh wait, we are. on the floor.

i'm not destined to have a nice birthday, ever. although, this doesn't compare to ghetto crackville birthdays, no. but still... when am i going to get treated like a princess?? the thing that gets me is that this behavior in and of itself is so unlike my boy. i mean, did we already forget this?

what do you say?

so i went to bed early last night since i was tired and alex was off doing his gaming thing he does on tuesday nights. he always wakes me when he gets home around 11 or 12. i can tell he wants to talk about it, so i let him even though i don't understand it. so i try to understand it. still don't. eh, whatever. it makes him happy and it's harmless.

him: so it's pretty dorky, huh?
me: eh, it's fine. and you like it, it makes you happy, right?
him: yeah
me: besides there are worse things yo ucould be doing (in my head i'm thinking strip clubs, and am about to say it, as a total joke...)
him: yeah, i could be doing drugs


yeah. thanks.

2004

well new years came and went. it was... tiring. we ended up having about 10 guests come over. i didn't think cooking and making dips and stuff would be as completely exhausting as it was. i left work around noon and we had to do a little last-minute shopping. i got into the kitchen around 3 and didn't stop until dinner was served around 8 or 8:30. didn't feel like i made a lot, but whew. tiring. the good part? after making all that food i had absolutely no desire to eat any of it.

i think everyone enjojyed themselves. i got to spend some time with people i hadn't before. some of alex's friends that i either met for the first time or really got to talk to for the first time. and it's very exciting because i think we're goign to start hanging out with this one couple more. i wish we were friends with more couples. i guess we're on our way. they're fun and i enjoyed their company.

i've definitely gotten lots of use out of grill already. i use it almost everytime i cook now, i really love it.

oh and i just finished watching parts of the live broadcast of the macworld expo in san francisco. how much do i want this?!?! ao cute.

so my mom calls this morning. seems we got a timeshare in new orleans after all. we'll be saying here. Pay no attention to the site, it's the only place i could find pictures. hopefully jon and melissa can join us. i hope to make that an annual event, too.

saturday i go for my psych eval. it's the last step before insurance sumission. scary shit. it will either change everything in my life completely, or completely change my life. no pressure.

it's showtime!

yesterday we celebrated our christmas since we'll be apart. got up early and ran down to open gifts just like little kids. alex told me he'd gotten me "everything i aksed for" and i couldn't figure out what he meant, as i hadn't asked for anything. just goes to show you how much my boyfriends listens and files away.

he got me a bunch of "girly movies" and i have to say, left to his own devices he did really well. we're talking legally blonde and my best friend's wedding calibur.

he got me cranium, the fancy version, the game i've raved about incessantly although i only played it once like 2 years ago.

he got me something i've wanted my entire life. a SNOOPY SNO-CONE MAKER. i can't believe he found one!!! it is the coolest gift i have ever received, the most thoughtful and wonderful.

then, the piece de resistance. yes folks, you can "set it and forget it" it's the ronco showtime rotisserie grill! made by mr. spray on hair himself! i have wanted this grill forever. (ok, not as long as snoopy) but no one took me seriously. except my boyfriend.

of course, in true alex fashion he had to also buy every accessory possible. yes, including the flovor injector! AND the solid food injector! and on and on and on...

it is so awesome. and i made steaks last night and words cannot express how incredible they were. we were totally watching them turn and drip. he even took pictures with his new camera.

after dinner we, of course, had sno-cones.

it was a wonderful day and easily the best christmas ever.

advice please...

i am totally addicted to reading advice columns. two in particular. this one and this one.

i don't know why. can't stop reading them. although dan's doesn't always interest me.

i wonder why i read them so religiously. like to the point that on carolyn's i read all the back-ones i could find, including the transcripts to her "live" chats. oh yeah, those are DANGEROUS! i've only kept up with them live twice. bad bad bad. i've not really had anything to do at work the last coupla days and so i've read alot. eh.

maybe i'm searching for answers to questions that i don't know i have.

i wonder if my boyfriend would agree...

What Makes You Sexy? by eva71
Name/NickName
Gender
Sexy Body Part Is	Your Hair
Special Talents Are	Blow Jobs
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

nothin a lil' bit o' espresso can't fix

so my boy wanted to see the new lotr movie. i knew this. i also knew he didn't want to wait until sunday, as i had originally suggested. so we went last night. with a bunch of his coworkers. for anyone that knows me at all, i fall asleep at movies. have forever, even back in slumber party days. you know the ones where you really want to watch dirty dancing, but you can't, you're not old enough yet. yeah, whatever. like i hadn't already found the sex books my parents had "hidden" in the entertainment center. riiiiiiight. but i digress.

so, we're going to go to a 7:30 movie. in dearborn (1/2 hour drive). and the movie is 3 1/2 hours. oh, and did i mention that i have already taken to falling asleep in the theaters too! i think the last 5 movies we saw, i only was awake partially. so, short story long, i had my concerns.

so i took a little stop at starbucks. and got not one, but TWO doppio espresso con pannas. oh yes, that's 4, count 'em 4 shots of that wonderful stuff. only they made them wrong. how can you mess that u0p you ask? oh it's possible. eh, regardless, it worked it magic. i was awake.

and i have to say, i enjoyed the movie. i did not see the other 2 in theaters, and yes, it did make quite a difference. it was a good time. and i was so awake i even got to drive home. go espresso!

now onto the second part of last night... meeting some new people. and i use "meet" loosly, as saying "hi, i'm chris" and then sitting near them for 3 1/2 hours doesn't quite qualify... but here's my impressions.

there was one dude that i really liked. and boy, i don't even know his name... but he was friendly, fun and i could joke around with him immeditately in that oh-so-charming way i have about me. there was one couple that we'd had plans with on 2 seperate occasions that were cancelled both times that coincidently jsut happend to be going to the same movie (how fun!). i didn' tlak to them for more than a minute but i already know i'll like them. plus, the wife has sex toy parties. can't beat that.

then there was this other girl. the girl that works with all these boys. the one i've heard about a lot but haven't met. the one hat i had been dying of curiosity to see. and boy. i did. not. like. her.

why you may ask? i'm not sure. she wasn't friendly. didn't even try to introduce herself. and i SWEAR she glared at me more than once. my imagination? maybe. but someting jsut ain't right there.

alex tells me he used to hang with her a lot then dropped her like a hot potato when he met me. think that's the reason? i, personally, think she may have had the hot for him (howver much he says that's not true) and therefore, resents me for stepping in.

i gotta say, i've been in that position many many times of being totally in love with a "friend" of mine and being crushed when my little fantasy of what we could be is obliterated.

not saying this is the case, but sure does seem like a likely candidate to me.

hee hee!

fun!

awww yeah

who rocks the party that rocks the party? he does!

holiday spirit

man... i guess getting older does tend to taint things. this weekend as we were addressing our cards a neighbor kid came by with a bag of cookies and the like from his family. our reaction "damn! no what are we going to do for them??" this after i learn alex's friend got me a present. rrrrrr. just one more thing i have to get now. i just went to best buy to get alex's last 2 gifts (yeah 2, i shouldn't have even got 1 and i got 2) and i start thinking that i have a pretty bad attitude about gift giving this year. and i guess i do. point is i spent waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much money on my boyfriend which left me nothing for anyone else... after buying my plane ticket and such too. oh well. what can you do.

merry effin christmas.

for the love of god

has it really been THAT long? jeez i guess it has. i think i've lost my excitement for this. either that or my life is so boring that i have nothing to write about!

what's new? well we got our first chritmas tree. a big ass one at that. we think it's about 10 feet tall. we don't know. freakin huge regardless. felt like a couple of little kids since we were so excited bringing it home. we listened to christmas music and drank champagne while decorating it.

what else.. had to get new glasses since my frames broke. yeah, they're purple. purple frames.

eh. i'm bored of this already, but feel compelled to post this so there's something,anything up there that's in this month.

man. i'm so lame.

long time, no post.

you know, i read jon's thingy a lot, like everyday. and i've started to read a few others he had linked from his site. and i get so annoyed when people don't put up new posts. like, hello?? you have something better to do?? yeah, i didn't think so. then i was thinking, boy you're awfully hypocritical, there, aren't ya? even though i know no one reads this. i felt bad just the same.

so, here goes.

so what's changed? not too much. been livin with the boy for a few months now. all is smooth sailing. things are even better than they were before we did this. i think his need to plan every second that we're together had abated since i don't go anywhere now. this is a good thing.

we made our big trip back east. what a friggin whirlwind! i started to get sick before we leftm but some how kept it at bay. which is a good thing.

alex met everyone, everyone met him. everyone seems to like each other. or so they say. it seems like my time with jon was so short, which made me sad. barely got to see melissa at all, which also made me sad. leaving grampa made me sad. i even started to cry. he's not doing well. it's hard to see him like that.

i did better flying that i had expected. that was good. but once we got back, my illness hit me full force. i've been completely miserable since then. congestion, sore thraot, earache, body aches, and the worst, this awful awful cough. that HURTS. you know the kind, when your lungs feel like they're on fire and your sides ache from coughing. the kind that you ccan't get sleep with, the kind that keeps your boyfriend up at night, the kind that sends the cat that was sleeping next to you skyrocketing across your boyfriends face in the middle of the night.

and it's not getting better. in fact, it's worse. nothing i can buy at cvs is helping one iota. so i'm finally going to the dr today. i hope they can give me something.

theatre bizarre

this wknd we went to the biggest, best party i have ever been to in my life. check it out.

i love halloween things, always have. so when alex suggested we go to this thing, i was like, yeah ok. i had NO IDEA what we were in for. he didn't either. his coworkers started this thing and it's jsut so big and IMPRESSIVE. nothing about it is half-assed.

started out with needing costumes. so i rented us charlemagne and queen catherine costumes. he was so freaking adorable in his little hat and tunic!

so we go there and you need to enter through a haunted house. not much of a haunted house, per se, but the end you walk through a dark room, get completely disoriented, then have to walk out through a tunnel that is all fog and a black strobe light. you cannot see A THING. but, the people on the other side of the tunnel can see YOU!. omg, if i could have only seen us.... first of all alex got us lost in the black room, so we were in there for longer than we should have been. then somehow i ended up in front, inching our way out with his arms wrapped around me from behind. let's just say when we got out there were these two huge security guys laughing their asses off at us! and i don't blame them one bit.

so on the otherside, it was 3 main areas. it was like a giant haunted carnival. the main stage, where bands played, different little stands all around, a tent (which was nice to go under sometimes as it was raining off and on) then the area on the otehr side that was a huge dj area with a big sreen and more booths.

let's not forget the 6 or 7 beer stations. it was all you could drink. i've never had so much beer before. it was such a fucking good time. the ENTIRE night.

i want to go again!

giving it a try

i've seen this 100 things about myself thing a lot of people do. can i hack it? let's see:

1. i have no "full" siblings only "half's"
2. i always cut/grow my hair over and over again cyclically. on the grow side now.
3. i am living in ann arbor for the second time in my life.
4. i never in ten million years pictured myself in michigan.
5. i love my job.
6. i consider myself very luck that i love what i do for a living.
7. i have a secret desire to be a dancer/choreographer.
8. i weigh about twice what i should.
9. i am incredibly self conscious of my size/body.
10. if i could i would get bariatric surgery in a second.
11. i have been trying to for 5 years.
12. my size does not bother me as much as it used to.
13. all the boys i had crushes on growing up are gay.
14. my first true love was a woman.
15. i don't ever believe i will love someone with that much intensity again.
16. i have never loved and gotten hurt so deeply before.
17. crack almost sompletely destroyed my life.
18. i have never even seen crack.
19. i have learned the very very hard way that love and support and sacrifice cannot change a person. only they can.
20. i have attempted suicide twice in my life.
21. the first time was an attention thing. the second time was real.
22. i have scars i am forced to face every single day for the rest of my life because of it. physically and emotionally.
23. i have never admitted this to my mother.
24. i resent my mother for not protecting me from getting raped when i was 16.
25. i was attacked once in my apartment by a guy who broke in.
26. it was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.
27. i still to this day have issues with being home alone.
28. i love croutons.
29. i love broccoli.
30. i love my friends and wish i wasn't so far from them.
31. i have no doubt that moving back here was the right decision for me.
32. i own a condo i don't live in.
33. i never expected to find someone to love me again so easily.
34. or to accept all that i am and all that i've been through without hesitation.
35. it was difficult to explain my scars to my boyfriend.
36. i love my cat isaac very much.
37. isaac knows when i'm upset and comforts me.
38. my strength in bad situations amazes me.
39. i feel like this is my time to be happy.
40. financially, it will take me a very long to dig myself out of the hole that i'm in.
41. i do not want to marry alex until my finances are in order.
42. i expect to be mrs. hamlin someday.
43. i want to have children.
44. i refuse to have children until/unless i am in better physical shape.
45. when i think of my life last year at this time, i marvel at how far i've come.
46. i miss my grandfather.
47. i am afraid of my grandfather dying when i am not around for him.
48. i will always regret not seeing mimi the night she died.
49. i wish i knew my father.
50. i wish i was closer to my siblings.

(i have to work now, i'll finish later.)

i'm in

it's official. we're living together. moved over most of my clothing yesterday. the rest of the stuff will come in bits and pieces. he's so adorable i swear.

so my car is in bad shape, (of course, it's mine), and i need to get it fixed. my check engine light came on which freaked me out. so now alex insists i drive his car until i can get mine fixed. how sweet is that? i LOVE his car...

it's all changed

i don't know what calm had decended on me today but suddenly i have no fear, no anxiety, no doubt, nothing but love for my boyfriend. and i feel completely ready to take that next step and to officially move in together.

i can't tell you why or how it all changed, it just did. nothing was different this weekend than any other weekend. nothing was different last night or this morning even. not a thing. except my attitude.

i guess i should share this bit of info with him tonight, huh?

a tired and happy girl

so after the day of sadness my boy and i spent all night talking and laughing and crying and listening and relating and just holding and loving each other.

i feel much better abot everything now, although i'm veeeeeeery sleeeeeeeepy!

sadness...

why am i so sad? i guess it started when we had the moving in talk, that left me sad. i jsut can't see to stop being sad. alex noticed, of course, and suggested we "call in sad" to work today and just spend some time together. i guess i probably should have. oh well.

so am i screwing things up by being sad? on the one hand it scares me to show him i'm sad. i'm afraid he'll be concerned about my.. ahem... past actions. NOT that he should be. i mean that was something completely unreal. but i think that nags me in the back of my head. even though he's never been anything but understanding and compassionate.

one thing that has been swirling in my head is a certain ex. i'm only talking about the good parts. the comfort level wwe had with each other. the excitement and spontaneaty we had. the romance. the laughter. take the bad stuff out and we were undoubtedly made for each other. i find myself comparing those things to what i have with alex. which, i guess, of course, is inevitable.

these are some of the comparisons... level of comfort: well, after being together for 6 years of course there will be a certain high level of comfort. and i think, for 4 months, we certainly are very comfortable with each other. i think i'm talking more day-to-day stuff and that stuff will come with time.

excitement? spontanaety? no, not really. it's odd. we do stuff. i'm content. but i think i miss the forcefulness and resolve that she had. the initiative that made up for my apathy. when you're both apathetic, not much gets done. and he needs to plan EVERYTHING and it does drive me nuts. finally on saturday after grilling me about "what are we going to do? watch tv? ok, what are we goign to watch? do you like this?" over and over until he finally said "or i can shut up, we can watch this, and i can stop trying to plan every minute of the day" and i'm like "you finally got it!"

romance? eh. yes and no. he's so loving and so affetionate. and i need that, i know that. stupid stuff like nina used to slap my ass a lot and i liked that, i'm not ashamed to admit. althoug she brought it into overkill. now he's suddenly started doing that. well, ok! don't know where that came from, but yay! she'd write me poems and pick me wildflowers. ok, i understand that's not the "norm" but it was great! he's getting the idea that i like flowers so that's happening more and he does try, it's jsut not natural for him, and i understand that.

laughter? yes. and times it is coming out more. the silliness and playfulness. i've seen glimpses of it, i know it can be there. i jsut need to make it happen. and when i'm miss gloom and doom i know that certainly does not help!

i guess i don't feel that desperate, all comsuming, i'll die if i lose it kind of love with him. the hig emotion bursting in tears or in laughter all the time kind of love. but is that because she was my first true love? maybe. i don't know. and i do love him. when i'm not with him i want to be. i'm a better person when i'm with him. he's very good to me and loves me and takes care of me.

so what is my problem???

home

so we had the moving in together talk. i have to say, i think it went pretty poorly. not in topic. i mean, i know he wants to and that's no surprise, but i had 3 questions to ask him and his answers weren't really what i expected:

#1 Why do you want to live with me
#2 What do you envision changing once that happens and
#3 When do you see this happening

Answers were very logical, very not emotional. including things like "it will be more convenient." "we won't have to keep up both houses", "it will be better for the cats"

After like an hour of talking I was finally to the point of "say something nice about me and wanting to do this that had nothing to do with cats!"

so then of course he did. and it was all good stuff. and i felt better. and he said that he hadn't said any of that because it goes without saying that he'd feel that way. he was looking at the more logical, analytical side. and that "girls are wierd. they need to hear things to believe them."

we talked about the things that are problematic, namely my condo. his quesion was "do you consider that home?" and i didn't know what to say.

home. interesting concept. i feel like i've been in limbo for so long and haven't had a "home" in a long long time. the last time i sorta felt settled was in farmington with matt, really. alex said it seemed strange to him that i'd want to spend all this time, energy (and money) to make my condo my home, when we should be starting to think about building a home together.

i don't know why the whole thing left me feeling kind of sad. i don't know why, really.

it ended up coming down to this for now: we need to address the cats and how that's going to work. once that happens, i'll move my clothes and stuff over to his house, but will maintain my condo... until we decide otherwise.

and i sadi to him that it will always be "his house." especially while i still have my condo. and that can potentially get wierd. not that i really think so, but my past is rearing it's ugly head of memories which is probably why i'm freaking.

bottom line? i'm scared. but i don't really know why.

am i ready?

so, yeah, we've been living out of bags for about 3 months now. more me than alex as we usually stay at his place. as mine is still in limbo and all that. it was easy in the summer, throw a shirt and some capris in a bag and i'm good to go. well now that it's getting colder it's getting more complicated. we're gonna be talking sweaters, boots, hair dryers, etc etc...

so alex tells me, bring more stuff over here. bring your clothes and leave them here. and i said "what? and pack a bag to go to my house?" and he's like "yeah" but i don't know. i don't want to do that, but why am i resisting?

my kitties

i love isaac. he's so my buddy. so many nights he's kept me company and comforted me and stayed with me during the most horrendous of situations. i never connected like that with newtie... hayes is cool, but still too much of a kitten. but i digress. i was so thrilled to have isaac back with me, in our own house, however ghetto it is. i got hayes thinking they'd be buddies, but that has not gone well at all. then there's the added problem that he wants to go out. which, truthfully, is ok with me. BUT my street is kinda busy, i'm near one of THE busiest streets and it does make me nervous. but i know isaac can take care of himself. i watch him check before he crosses the street, he's really good about it actually.

the problem is this... well meaning neighbors. isaac has a collar with his name, our address and my phone number on it. in the last month i can't tell you how many calls i've gotten from people saying my cat is in their yard. and that's all well and good, but, really it's ok that he's outside. people don't get it. and i understand the concern they have. especially that he's declawed. i try to explain that he doens't KNOW he's declawed and can kick some serious ass.

however, it seems that my practice of letting my cat is jsut NOT ok with lots of people.

and yes, he's been out at very inopportune times. like eveytime alex and i have gone away for 2 or 3 days. kim goes and checks on him but inevitably there's some fiasco.

there's been 2 very disturbing events though and i'm thinking more and more that maybe he should go back to my mom's house. NOT that i want him to go, but maybe it's better for him in the long run.

we alex and i talked about it last night and his suggestion is to switch, and see what happens. he takes isaac to the bigger house, that once he's ready, is a good neighborhood for him to roam in. and i take griff so the kittens can have playmates.

i suppose it's worth a try. i guess. on the one hand i think, great! i'll see more of isaac since we're usually at alex's. but with TWO kittens at my place, a lot more time will need to be spent there.

i guess we'll see.

birthday boy

ah, it's finally alex's birthday. i hope everything goes well. i feel like i have so much i still have to do.... oh wait. that's becasue i do!

the canvas transfer thing isn't going so well. maybe i'll get lucky when i look at them today. maybe.

then there's the pie, oh i'll write about that tomorrow i'm sure. ha ha... we'll see. i put a lot of effort into this i hope it goes ok.

annoyance

why did my last post go up twice?

first fight... well sorta

yesterday marked the first time that i was mad at alex. and mad is even a little strong i guess. more like annoyed. we both had nothing planned for yesterday. i assumed that we'd spend the day together (why shouldn't i? we always do) so, saturday morning he wakes me up at the crack of dawn... no lie it was like 6am. i had been looking forward to sleeping in. or course afer talking a bit i'm awake. ugh. he wants to go get breakfast. i'm so not ready for that. we end up talking for awhile and leave for breakfast at like 8am. ok. that's fine.

he keeps asking me "what are we going to do today?" i'm like "i don't know, whatever." i tell him at some point i need to go to cvs and go to see where i need to be for this volunteer work i had to do this morning. this will take about 15 minutes total. so we're driving back to his house, it's barely 9 and he's all like "why dont' you go do what you need to do." i'm like, ok, fine. so i go inside to get my stuff. kind of annoyed. but whatever. he knows it too. so i'm getting my stuff and he pulls me back down into bed and we start talking and stuff and end up falling back asleep... for 3 hours.

we get up and he's basically like "go do your stuff and we'll have dinner later" what? it's like noon at the most. fine whatever.

i think he's all caught up in having to have plans, and if there aren't any he freaks out. so i go home, shower, talk to grampa fpr awhile, do laundry, watch a movie, caulk my bathtub (wtf?!). he calls me about 3 pm and is all like "did you think of anything to do?" and i'm like "nope" clearly annoyed now. why do we have to have "something" to do. you know what i mean? i know he's just sitting around watching tv. which i did part of the time, but we can't we jsut hang out? rrrr.

so fine. i finish watching my movie, go to cvs, go to the walk site and then go to gallup park and feel better. i'm thinking that since it's a little after 5 at this point, we'll probably jsut get together. i call him on my way home and he's watching the game. ok, fine. his attitude deflates me a little bit. the conversation is odd. i tell him to watcht he game and to call me later. he's being strange. i tell him he's been weird all day and when he figured out what he wants to call me later and hang up.

i'm very upset at this point. i know it's dumb. he calls around 6, why don't we have dinner about 7 he says. he'll come over and get me. fine.

he comes, i'm a little aloof, i'm hurt. i'm not mena, just not as affectionate as usual. it's a little strained at first. but then it's ok. we go back to my house and play with the cats for a bit. i'm thinking i'll stay at my house and have him go home since i' still feeling odd and i had to get up around 6 to go to the walk. he suddenly remembers he has not seen my portfolio, he wants to. my student one.

so he goes to get it and we go through it. we get to my book. that was a little odd. he was very impressed and kind of weirded out at the same time i think. we look through some pictures and then decide it's time to leave. i go to go upstairs to get my bag and he's following me. then just totally attacks me. he's never been like that. a few hours later it's clear we're staying at my place. there's no chance either one of us are leaving.

we start talking and he's saying all sorts of thing how i'm his, and he never wants to be without me. i say at one point that i'll keep him and he's like "good. i was worried you were going to kick me to the curb earlier today, you know, when you were mad at me on the phone" and i'm like "just because i was annoyed with you doesn't mean i don't want to keep you"

then i was up say to late and was exhausted at the walk. keith, kelly, and buddy dave were in worse shape though so i didn't feel so bad. we had fun.

i'm still a little unsettled. but it will all be ok. right?

my beloved grampa

my grandfather is definitely one of the most important people in my life. he was like a dad to me for so long. i remember stopping at dunkin donut for cocoa and a french crueller before dropping me off at school in the morning. or trip to bickford's before girl scouts. having dinner with him once a week at least all through high school. my firends like jamie always stopping by, coming in saying "hey grampa!"... then before college when he had his heart surgery, when he didn't remember who i was for weeks. having to measure his blood sugar for him when he couldn't do it. then coming home from college every weekend and going to maryann's for breakfast listening to him boast about "my granddaughter came all the way from connecticut just to have breakfast with me."

i know he's not going to live forever. and it's the one thing that made me regret coming to michigan, being away from him. it broke his heart when he found out i was coming back, especially after living at home with them for 6 months. i'd had a few false alams already since being back. he's gone into kidney failure, his CHF is recurring... but i wasn't ready for the call last night that told me he was bleeding internally. i'm pretty much waiting until mom calls with my flight information. i don't want my last time spent withmy grandfather to be in a hospital, but i'd rather that than nothing.

i don't want him to die, but i don't want him to be in pain and i know he's been in a pain for a long time. i know he's not happy. i know he's "done" with life. on the one hand i want him to meet alex very much, but on the other hand, i know part of him is holding out to make sure i'm "all set" you know? the older generations mentality. if he knows i've found my future husband and all that, will that make him want to stick around longer (ie: for the wedding) or would that give him the peace he needs to let go? i know this is not about me, and i am selfish for making it about me.

i'm just not ready to let him go. but will i ever be?

the merging of the cats

if we didn't have 2 cats each, and we both didn't OWN our homes, i'm sure that alex and i would be living together by now. i mean, we are, pretty much, just split between our houses. there's only been 2 or 3 nights in the last 3 months that we have spent apart. actually 2. one because i had to be at a photo shoot at 7am (although now, we'd still spend the night together, but that was a long time ago) and the night that i slept through his calls (pre-key exchange). he even brought that one up again last night. how he "didn't get to see me at ALL that day (pouty lip and little whimpery noise)."

and even though we've talked about marriage and kids, the topic of living togehter hasn't really come up. although, it probably should. going back and forth IS a bit tiring. but he finally did bring it up last night, kind of round about.

we stayed at my house last night, as i felt like i'd been neglecting my cats. it was fun as ever. at one point he mentions that issac and kit would get along. knowing where he was headed, i made him say it. "there's no way you're switching isaac for griff. i don't need TWO kittens" and he's all like "no, no... not switching, but, you know, when we merge them together."

interesting.

fairborn ohio

so we spent the weekend in fairborn ohio. where's fairborn? near dayton. we went to spend the weekend with jason, satomi and brian (aka: zelner).

i had met jason and satomi before, and i truly love them. they're great. jason is really sweet. satomi rocks. zelner. eh. i could definitely do without him. he was not at all what i expected. he's so anal and uptight.

so saturday we decide we're going to play monopoly. probably a bad idea. monopoly can get ugly. i was pms-ing. and zelner was an ass. first he claims he doenst' knwo how to play. HELLO? who doesn't know how to play monopoly?? he had to say someting about everything all the time. i was annoyed! i tried not to be but it got worse and worse. he was so on my last nerve. we were all sitting on the floor. zelner was to my left and alex was to my right. he was leaning up against me so i could tlak in his ear and zelner couldn't hear me. and i was so all about "does he EVER stop talking???" i felt bad, but it was that or i was going to rip his head off and stuff it in his ass. i was more blatant about it as the game went on though, he'd want to make deals with me and i'd be like "no." right away to shut him up. it came down to him and alex and thankfully he lost.

i feel bad that i don't like him, as he's one of alex's 2 close friends, but ugh. i'm glad he lives 4 hours away.

on a good note, i'm not so sure what happened this wknd with alex and i but something changed. friday night we all played cards and drank and stuff and then satomi, zelner and i went to sleep and alex and jason stayed up talking for hours after. when he came to bed he was so all about "i love you very very very very much" and whispering to me how he was telling jason how great i am and how happy he is, etc etc. and we ended up having some really, really great sex in the middle of their living room! and ever since then he tells me how much he loves me like every five seconds. i don't know what happened.

domestic life

starting monday alex will be on a regular schedule! we'll get up together in the morning (instead of him pushing me out of bed)... and will actually get to see each other at normal times at night! i don't believe it.

we'll see how it goes. it won't be all peaches and roses. he's going to be beat and stressed out. i'm hoping i can somehow help to alleviate that.

nothing is a struggle with us though, i swear. even last night, it was the start of the football season and we totall hung out with brent and damien. cooked out. then when i was tired i went to bed while they watched the game. didn't bother me in the slightest. course, it's a long season, so we'll see.

we've moved really quickly from vaguely talking about marriage to talking specifically about marriage to discussing children pretty much on a daily basis. it totally isn't scary at all. i want all that with him.

as i was tlaking to marie though, the only issue i had about getting married was my awful financial situation. i don't know how all that works or anything, but i wouln't want to drag him into that. and i'm not sure about the legalities of marriage and stuff when it comes to finances.

but... as i was thinking about that, that's when my lawyer called. i swear, it was insanity. if we can get that case settled and i can pay off some stuff.... it would fix everything.

i guess we'll wait and see....

(hooray!) just practicing

i'm trying not to get to excited just yet, but it's so hard when you're in the piss-poor financial situation i am in (thanks, in large part, to my ex) and can see relief start to poke it's sunny little head up over the horizon!

first, looks like the gig with jon may come through. that in and of itself would help so tremendously. i could pay stuff off. which would mean i'd have more cash on a weekly basis and i could *gasp* open a savings account???!!!? no! tell me it ain't so!

bigger than that? i got a call from my lawyer on friday that they're about to get ready to settle my case with stop 'n' shop! i seriously don't believe it. it's been a little over a year since it happened and it has so been on the back burner in my mind for so long that it was SUCH an unexpected call to get. i should have asked him more quesions about timeframe and amounts and procedures etc, but i was so shocked and excited i didn't ask a damn thing.

now, i'm trying not to get too excited about this. for all i know they may just give me a measly $5K or something. but i have to doubt that since #1 my lawyer took the case (he only gets paid by a percentage of what i get) and #2 it just HAS to be more than that. it just HAS to.

oooh oooh i'm so trying not to plan ahead. i'm trying to prioritize things that i want paid off, you know?

but besides the obvious paying bills and not being so strapped issue, that is unequivocably the biggest plus to this, there are two more big bonuses that i am looking forward to.

first: it will make me feel like less of a charity case with my boyfriend. not that he EVER intentionally makes me feel that way AT ALL, but even if he still continues to pay for everything (which won't happen) even if i have the cash sitting there that alone will make all the difference. you know? it's not having it that's bothering me.

second: now i know this is far-fetched, but depending on what i get, it MAY just have surgery become a possibility. that's all i'm going to say, i don't want to get my hopes up.

more to come...

michael moore

we reached the turning point in any relationship. the michael moore mile. do you like him and do you agree with his views? i'm kidding, sort of. we both love and respect mr. moore for his documentaries and often watch an episode of "the awful truth" before bed. but last night, we watched "bowling for columbine"

now, i know i was tired and there was quite a bit of information but i was just on overload after it. he wanted to talk about it and i just couldn't. that happens to me sometimes after i see something that affects me that deeply. it was that way, for example, after i saw "boys don't cry" i couldn't even talk about it after. it was just too much.

now, the thing about BFC, (and really any moore piece), is the focus on michigan. maybe it's more pertient to me now that i'm back here, but woah. and i know that those type of people exist everywhere, and since he's from flint that's what he focuses on.

the part with marilyn manson i think was my favorite.

it scares me to think about people though.

we decided we're retiring to canada.

three months... already.

this saturday marked our 3 month anniversary. and it seems like we've been together so much longer than that! when i say 3 months is sounds so piddly!

it was nice. alex brought my a dozen roses and a really cute card. we went out ot dinner the same place we had out first date. went to the movies after, like on our first date. things just ended a little differently then they did that first time. :)

we talked about our first meeting a lot, it was interesting to hear the perspective he had on it and i'm sure it was interesting for him to hear mine. then he so kindly pointed out to me that we slept together on our 4th date. nice. nothing like making a girl feel like a whore.

it sounds much worse that it actually was! there was a lot of time involved... really.

here's to the next 3 months!

other stuff.

the thing about this weekend that was really great though is that we talked A LOT about marriage and kids and views and such. started out generic, but got personal quickly and remained that way all weekend. specifics about how many kids we want, what we'd do different than our parents, view on big things like abortion and public schools, politics, etc etc... we even had this ongoing joke about who would drive the mini van. which, btw, we both insist we will never get. although we saw this hot pink one around stratford and i was like "ok, i'll get a mini van if it looks like that!" and he's all like "hell NO! i'll have to drive it!" you know, stuff like that. even down to last night when we were talking about houses at one point and he said that his next house he'll want to have built. and i asked him where (as we were driving to his house) and he's like, "in this neighborhood probably. i really like it. you like it here, don't you? "

i have to say, if we don't get married, i'd be really surprised.

and then it was dark.

so we left thursday and i was a gorgeous day and a nice drive. about 3 hours or so. we did get delayed quite a bit at the border just cuz it was packed. but i offically was let into the country without any hassle, which was nice! i'm not going to lie, i WAS nervous about it.

we got into town and saw where the hotel was. alex was disapointed as it wasn't as nice as he thought it was going to be. it was fine with me and it was actually a good thing it was what it was...but i'll get to that later. so we went downtown. stratford is a cute little town along the river. we drove around and he showed me all the theaters and stuff like that. we got out and walked around and ate ice cream cones. it was really sweet. VERY hot though.

we decide we're kinda hungry and it's closing in on dinner time so we go back to the hotel to check in. we get into the room and he turns on the air and we decided to relax for a bit before getting ready for dinner. there was the nice place he wanted to take me. so the air is on for about 5 mintes and it shuts off. we're like, hmmm... interesting. we decide he should go tell the office that nothing seems to be working. so he leaves, come back and tells me that the whole are is out of power. ok. no big deal. at this point we had no idea what was up. so we decide to go into town and find out how big the outage really is. of course, all the restaurants are closing and there's no where to eat. so we walk around a bit figuring it will be ok in a little while. the only place to get food were at these little hot dog stands so finally we get some hot dogs. alex is kind of discouraged at this point, as nothing is going as planned. but it's fine, really. i'm not upset at all.

we hear that they were going to announce at 7 what was going to happen for the shows that evening. so we walk all the way to the big theater and find out they're cancelling the shows. ok, not a surprise. so we walk back into town which was so odd without power! places are selling beers out of coolers so we have some beers and walk around. and decided to go back to the hotel. on the way we see a convenince store that's open (even without power) and decide we should get some food and drinks before going back. it was so creepy bein in there in the dark! then alex remembers he has a flashlight in the car. so we're shopping by flashlight!! we were so the envy of everyone in there!!!! it was quite an adventure!

at any rate, we had no power. we entertained ourselves for awhile at the hotel while listening to the radio -- alex's cell phone has a radio in it -- so we could find out what was going on.

the power came back on about 10:30. it was very exciting! we went back into town. a few restaurants were opening back up with limited stuff so we were able to have dinner. then we walked down along the river and sat by the water and made out for awhile. it was very sweet.

eventually we went back to the hotel and went to sleep. the power went back out again overnight.

came back on around 11am or so. we were able to go get breakfast. entertaining ourselves all day was interesting... lots of places were closed. we walked through the shakespearean gardens. went to shops that were open. read and napped by the river. it was very nice, really. since they had power most of the day we figured we'd be good for our show that night. but nope. couldn't get all the power, generators and ac up enough in the big theater to have a production. so we didn't get to see any of our shows! alex was pretty bothered by it. the whole "i had this nice romantic weekend planned for us and everything went wrong" but at the same time we did really have a nice time together. we ended up leaving after we found out the show was cancelled and came back to town to find out what was up here.

good news? we'll have to go back!

vertigo

so i've been suffering from bouts of vertigo for the last week. i tell you that is some scary shit. especially yesterday morning. got up fine. got into the shower. started waching my hair and bam! the whole room is spinning. fast. i lean against the wall in the shower and wait. closing my eyes makes it worse so i try to focus on one point. i almost called alex to come and help me out, i was that afraid i was going to fall over. i managed to stand under the water to rinse my air and stumbled out of the shower grabbing the wall on the way. managed to grab my towel as i stumbled to the bed, managing to sit down. of course alex is totally freaked about it and sat there rubbing my back until it subsided.

scared me enough that i went to the doctor this morning. but were they helpful? course not. here, take some pills and if you're not better in a week come back. great. waste of a copay.

so i've felt pretty lousy all day between slight dizziness and pseudo migraines. i'm supposed to be leaving shortly to go to a concert in detroit with kim, keith and kelly. should be a good time, if i can make it. i can totally see getting totally dizzy. we'll see.

my big fear? not feeling well tomorrow and friday in stratford. i'm really afraid of that. keep your fingers crossed, i don't want to ruin our vacation!

meeting mom.... and spiders

yeah, totally stressed myself out about meeting alex's mom. for no reason. but boy did he get a kick out of seeing me so nervous! as we were walking to the door she goes out on the stoop and is watching us as we walked up... holding hands i might add (which i thought was big on his part). first thing she did? hug me. guess i'm in.

so we're driving to dinner and i'm sitting in the front seat with his mom and looking at her because we're talking. i turn to face forward and what is dangling right in fron tof my face but a SPIDER THE SIZE OF MY HEAD! apparently alex, who was sitting behind me, saw it before i did and knowing my INCREDIBLE FEAR of spiders had been trying to figure out what to do before i noticed it. of course total panic ensued. now he's trying to reach over me to get it without knocking it on me! then it crawled up to where we couldn't get it and for the rest of the ride. i was as close to being in the backseat as i could be without actually being in the back seat totally transfixed on the spot where the spider disappeared.

needless to say i did NOT sit in the front going home. good thing too, cuz it came back out.

just talking about it now freaks me out!!

ahh... all is right with the world again

so as i tell my boyfriend what my mother said about the tickets as i'm frantically changing in the 5 minutes i have before we have to leave to have dinner with his sister, he starts beaming. "good. i want you here for thanksgiving." or something like that. it was so sweet. he must have told me a million times over the course of the night how happy he is about me being with him for thanksgiving.

so can i say that meeting his sister and his 2 neices last night went totally fine. she's great. the girls are beautiful. and seeing how he was with his neices... man. it jsut totally made me want to have his children. i've never felt like i diid seeing him with them. it was... just... wonderful.

i guess mom isn't half bad after all.

as she was asking me if i was coming home for thanksgiving or christmas i asked her "wait, is that a choice?" to which she replied "no - not a choice - but with Alex you may have different thoughts on the holidays."

go mom!

at which point i told her what we had discussed and that fact that it was too early to decide and she was all like "yeah, i figured as much" and didn't seem affected at all.

i never even HINTED that we may split the holidays. not at all. i honestly thought she'd freak.

she's not half bad, i don't care what they say.

of course, nothing has been decided still, but that was a step in the right direction for sure.

yep, i was right.

mom will get the tickets. i know it freaked him out even asking, but i felt like i should. even thought i KNEW the answer, why am i sad about it? damn hormones...

ah, the holidays

in the spirit of bringing things up that 2 seconds later completely freaks himself out... a few nights ago alex brought up spending the holidays together. that is, me staying here for thanksgiving and me bringing him home for christmas. but then, as we are discussing the topic that HE brought up, he starts to freak, so i'm like, hey... this is far away, we'll re-evaluate later. end of discussion. fine.

so then my mom calls today. northwest is having a sale for like a day and she wants to get my holiday tickets now. nice. now, obviously it's imposible to judge where we'll be in 4 months after we've only been together 2. so i send alex a message saying, hey my mom want sto by my tickets... want to talk about it? he says he's at lunch with his parents and will call me right after. so i'll wait.

i'm sure the outcome will be, buy the tickets. after all... what else can it possibly be?

ms. crankypants

pms? side effects from the pill? who knows, but boy am i super cranky today! i'm so annoyed that i can't even write about how annoyed i am because it's annoying me more.

ew! ew! EW!

my boss's wife has a odd fixation with my boyfriend. it jsut keeps getting weirder and weirder and i have no idea what to do about it.

it's friday

and what do i want to do tonight? well there a re a million things i'd like to do. there is so much jazz playing around town, so many cool places jsut to be. like "goodnight gracie's" the martini and jazz bar. how cool is that? i'd love to go. but i have no right to suggest anything whne i'm not paying. it will always come back to that. and it's not like i feel like we HAVE to go out or anything. truthfully i'm on with hanging at home with him, but i also think going out would be nice.

eh. we'll see.