sobering

we spent the weekend in kentucky visiting alex's brother greg.

this is probably the 4th time in the 3 years that we've been together that we've made the trip. it's not too far, about 4 hours-ish each way. greg is the second oldest of the 7, making him 47 years old, 16 years older than alex. he's a pretty cool guy.

he's also been living with MS for a little over 10 years.

now, i don't know all the details of everyting but i do know that he let the disease progress for awhile before going to the doctor. it had gotten to the point that most people thought he was a raging alcoholic since he'd fall all the time, black out sometimes and just generally was losing it.

it took greg a long time to face it himself. he was also pretty far along by the time ha was diagnosed. when we see him now everyone is very impressed with how he's doing and are quick to remind me i never saw him at his low.

i was, truthfully, very impressed with greg and how he lives on his own (i guess his wife left him after his diagnosis) and manages to get around using the bus system and really, it's quite impressive.

that is, until the time we visited him right after i had my LP. seeing greg then took on a whole new meaning to me. seeing how the MS has effected him. how he repeats things a lot. how eating is very difficult. how he has a hard time walking even with his braces. how one eye doesn't look straight ahead anymore and he can't read things unless they are up close. how he's kind of hard to understand until you get used to the slurry was he talks.

yes, that was a much different visit for me. knowing that could be my future.

then i was diagnosed. then un-diagnosed i guess.

then i had my latest MRI last week. i see the neurologist tomorrow morning. and for some reason i'm not feeling good about it.

seeing greg this weekend was... hard.

it's hard for me not to look at him and see all that he doesn't have now instead of focusing on all his HUGE accomplishments and to be amazed at how far he's come. i know that's not the right attitude, but i just can't shake it.

to hear him talk about his frustrations and what he "used to have" ...

he's one of a kind

our cat, griff, is priceless. we rescued him as an abandoned cat that a friend of alex's had found. he's so sweet. he's deaf and has TWO extra toes on each front paw and one on each back paw. he's also huge. and not fat, just a really BIG cat. he's all muscle.

we had to bring him to the vet yesterday for shots and nail trimming. i got the cat bag out to get ready. as we were getting ready to go we couldn't find him. now it's been a long time since he's "gone for a ride" so we didn't think he'd be avoiding the bag the way isaac was.

after a few minutes we found him.

guess he was ready to go!

everyone has their 'thing'

and one of our 'things' are when we feel we have eaten too much we call ourselves a "piggie pig pig pig." don't ask. we're crazy. i know that. but we find it hilarious. we also say it while poking ourselves in the belly.

have i also ever mentioned that i must have things in odd numbers? we can buy one, three, or five of something, etc. like candles, or candleholder have to have places for an odd number of candles.

escecially three. i love things in threes. like i said, crazy.

oh and tiny things. love them. no idea why. if i ever have a child i'm going to be out of control buying so many little tiny things. i love them. alex has a hard time getting me away from them. imagine when i have an excuse?

so, a few weeks ago we were downtown and we went into one of my favorite stores on main street and bought a few things. things i HAD to have. you know how it is.

one of these things was a 3-legged good luck pig.

need i explain how much i HAD TO OWN this little piggie pig pig pig? no, i didn't think so.

damn

thanks for the link irish. not sure i beleive it. i'm close to being a liar, see, like i said i was!

Your EQ is 147

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

i'm a liar

see, i said i was going to post everyday. i lied. things have been crazy busy at work and since i'm still in that "trying to make a good impression" phase, i'm trying as hard as i can to do a good job. not that i normally don't, but they are all still getting used to me. i want their impression to be good. you know?

we've been wrangling with insirance issues. my er trip may or may not be covered. i also have this extra "accident" policy which is pretty cool and covered things like, say, your er deductible if you go for an accident. you know, random example. well turns out someone had to come here to have me fill out the paperwork (it's state-specific) so we're not actually covered on that until aug 1 so we'll miss out on that too.

and the new ins? won't let me get an mri. not "medically necessary." now, i ask you, a diagnosis of possible ms isn't "medically necessary" uh huh. i see.

good news is alex's company offers our old insurance as an option, so we're gonna go back on that. *hopefully* even with the lapse, all of my pre-authorizations will still hold. i won't be having my mri tomorrow as planned, but hopefully next week when we're all official. i hope so because if i have to reschedule my appt with my neurologist i'm screwed. he schedules like 6 months out. seriously.

hopefully it will all work out and we'll have no problems. (see! that's me being optimistic!!! weird, huh? yeah, i thought so too.)

anyhow. i also had to give another speech this week to a bariatic surgery information group. some are pre-op, some newly post-op, a bunch were about 6 mos out, i think 1 was a year out. i've done this twice before. both times it was really informal. 10 or so people. kind of like a q&a session. no big. i called the head of the group about 3pm to verify the location of the room we'd be meeting in. keep in mind she scheduled me for this MONTHS ago.

so i call her and she says "ok, so many people are coming that we're going to be in the auditorium. they're all really excited to hear you. i've told them now inspirational you are. oh, and how long is your presentation?" all i heard was AUDITORIUM and PRESENTATION. huh? what? oh god.

so i was a little freaked. i made alex drive while i frantically scribbled notes about topics i wanted to cover. i was more than a little nervous.

of course it was fine. although there WAS a microphone invovled people. my pictures were projected on a screen behind me. there were probably about 50-60 people there. and only 2-3 knew me from before. (this isn't the place i had surgery, but the woman who was the head of mine moved and started this one and she asked me to be invovled. and i love it. except i can't really be totally invovled since i did not have surgery there per se. like i can't be in advertising or anything, which truly is what i'd like to do. she had asked me to be in ads for my group... right before she left. of course. and i have no ties to them anymore, even my own surgeon left that group. ah well.) so anyway, when my before picture went up there were gasps, there was a general hush and murmurs. i tell you, that in and of itself makes it worth it. truly. it never gets old.

so it went fine. i talked a little more than an hour. alex was there working the pictures and chiming in when appropriate. there were questions and then people came up to talk to me privately after, as i expected they would. several called me their hero. that was weird. but 2 years ago i would have been in awe of me too.

so that's all i've got for today. i'll close with a related photo. post-monthly-b12 shot. one of those things i'll be doing for the rest of my life :)

all gone

so i didn't write about our "excitement" over the weekend.

saturday night we had watched a dvd (clerks, in prep for clerks 2, since -- much to alex's horror -- i had not seen it before.)

at any rate. we're getting ready to head up to bed and i realize there is laundry to be brought up. i head down to grab the basket. usually alex doesn't "let" me carry the laundry up the 2 flights, but i guess he forgot this time. at any rate, halfway up from the basement i felt a twinge in my back and by the time i got to the top of the stairs i could no longer carry it. hell, i could barely stand up straight.

let me back up. i'm a klutz. a huge klutz. i fall going up the stairs. if there is something to step on that will hurt/make me trip on the floor or ground i'll find it. we joke about if we lose something on the floor, not to worry, i'll step on it. and inevitably, i do. anyway. back in college i slipped on some ice and fell on my lower back. and ever since i'll have back problems sometimes. i have a herniated disk, my last one. and every now and again i'll do something stupid and throw it out. i know what to do to fix it though usually when it's my lower back. i know the exercises and taking NSAIDS usually resolves itself. once i had to talk with a cane for a week. once i even had to call and ambulance to get to the hospital since i could not move. back pain effs you up. like nothing else.

well loving 200+ pounds certainly has helped my back. also the yoga and activity level we've had the last two years.

well, we haven't been to yoga in a few months. and this pain on saturday? it wasn't my lower back. it was my mid back on the left side. but, being the back-pain veteran i am i let alex help me to bed and figured i'd take some tylenol and see how it worked itself out. no, i can no longer take NSAIDs because of my bypass. and yes, that does suck.

you know what else sucks? i had about a gallon of liquid vicodin that they discharged me from the hospital with after my bypass that i never opened. it was in the medicine cabinet since. we just got rid of it. last week.

this goes to show you how bad the back pain was. i was willing to take liquid vicodin, but i didn?t' take any after they cut open my stomach with an 8inch incision and rerouted my intestines. i digress.

anyhow, about 2 am i'm trashing about since it hurts. so. much. no position is ok for more than 1.5 minutes. the spasms wave through my chest, it makes breathing difficult. alex suggests lying on the floor might be better. seems reasonable. but that was such a mistake, just getting on my knees had be sobbing. and him freaking out. he got me somewhat settled on the floor and ran out saying he'd "be right back."

i knew what he was doing. trying to call our new insurance to see if we were covered. we were supposed to be as of july 1. but we didn't have cards yet. we had gotten temporary insurance for the 2-week gap when we wouldn't have any insurance. that expired on the 15th. being 3am at this point, it was officially the 16th. figures. only i have luck like this.

finally he decides who cares, we're going to the ER anyway. we should be covered. we made the long trek to the car and over to st. joe's. where we waited. for 3.5 hours.

but before waiting i was triaged, of course. the nurse asks if i'm allergic to any meds and i give the standard "no, but i cannot take NSAIDs due to my gastric bypass" to this she pauses. lets it register. turns to me and looks at me in disbelief "you had a bypass? you're so tiny!" and i answer, "well yeah, but it was 2 years ago. isn't that kinda the idea of having one?"

anyway, after the 3.5-hour wait we're seen by a resident who has the same reaction regarding the bypass. "wow, it really worked for you, huh?" she says it's probably just a muscle stain, and wants a urine sample and says the doctor will be in shortly.

then the doctor comes in. love her! she was so great. she tells me how NSAIDs would be the best but since i can't take them she's going to give me a vicodin/valium cocktail that i'm promised will kick in within 30 minutes. however, she can't send me home with both because "someone as small and petite as yourself shouldn't take both since it could cause breathing problems." seriously, at this point alex and just stat laughing. petite? me? c'mon.

anyhow, they sent me home with valium. which seems weird to me, but it works. but now i'm out. i'm hoping when i go see my pcp tomorrow for my b12 shot they'll give me a refill. of course i do have temporary ins cards now. i just called the hospital to give them the info so hopefully we won't get billed and it will go smoothly. also, have to see if i can keep my MRI that's scheduled for the 29th. i've started that process.

what's more fun? we might switch insurance AGAIN with alex's job transfer. it might make more sense $$ wise.

so, this is what this weekend has taught us:

1. laundry is off limits to me
2. we're going back to yoga. tonight (if i think i can handle it.)

hey, both of those are good by me! let's hope i can get a few more nuggets of goodness. for when this happens again. because we all know it will. it's me.

yikes!

so much celebrating was to be done yesterday. my husband has been contracted to a rather large company for the last 5 years and was finally hired in yesterday as an official employee. it's been in the works for awhile. and we knew it was happening. but, at his contract company he's been at the top of the payscale for a long time. and they lowered all the salaries for starting employees. which meant he could never get a raise, but at least they never cut his pay either. and we were worried what the official offer would be.

he finally got it yesterday and it's all good! when i got my new job we went out to dinner to celebrate. we went out to dinner for him too, but somehow... he ended up with a new toy as well. i didn't get a new toy! :(

he's like a little kid in a candy store and i love it. i love how happy it makes him. he's worked really hard the last few years to get where he is in the company and this is just further proof as how far he's come.

it is, however, a bit fast. and i was terrified a bit surprised as the salesman drove us up the street in it. he promised once alex drove it he wouldn't want anything else. and he was right. unfortunately they have to find the right color combo at another dealer so somebodyneeds to be patient for a few days. and that is not a strong suit for either of us!

so, er, i'm a little scared, but so happy for him!

i'm one of *those* people

ok. i gave in. i have a bluetooth head set now. i did not want one. i fought it. but the conference calls at work... it was necessary. and can i tell you a secret? i love it. i'm not good at getting it on quickly. but it's really great. certainly not cheap, but hell, they paid for it so i'm not complaining.

i have a lot to write about, like our visit to the ER this wknd. but not now. don't have the energy.

and i have a call in a few minutes. :)

happy day~

music DOES always help, doesn't it?

that and a trip to the water park near our house last night. so much fun! i forget that it's so close and so cheap! we both needed a little fun in the water last night.

plus i helped out on a problem at work, yay! points for me!

AND my new laptop bag is here! how much do i LOVE IT!

melancholy

so i wanted to finish my post about jury duty but eh. i'm over it.

well, mostly. except for one minor detail that i have not shared with anyone.

i figured out why i was SO riled up about this case. i figured it out when i was home and unreasonably upset that the guy did not get convicted. so mcuh so i could not sleep. then i realized why.

basicaly the same thing happened to me. and i was 14 (like her). and he was 22 (like the guy). only it was letters (not IM) and we did meet. when i was 16. he came to my house (he lives in louisana and i was in nh then). and he forced himself on me.

it's not as bad as it sounds, it wasn't violent. i did cry. i did try to stop him. but i did feel like i owed him something thing, and i wasn't strong enough to fight him off.

it was wrong then and it was wrong in this case too. and i guess i wanted someone to pay. since i feel like no one ever did in my situtation either. and i know this event is part of the reason my mother and i never had a closer realtionship. i always felt like she shoud have protected me. and she never -- to this day -- has ever wanted to talk about what happened or even acknowledged it.

but i know she knows.

so today, i'm sad.

fun with my new laptop

awww yeah. i have an application on my new laptop called photobooth. it's the funnest ever. (yes, i know i need to get out more.)

but see, it will inspire me to post more. i can put a picture up! you can all see me everyday, i can pretend i have an office, yes, yes that's it.

here's one of my little helpers. he freaked when he saw himself on screen. ha!

love it!

posting

why is it when the most exciting stuff if going on you have no time to write about it?

so i've started my new job. i was in ct for 4 days. it was a little overwhelming, especially since they gave me a project the first day to start on!

the good stuff was that i got to see melissa a bunch and also my friend holly who i have not seen in like 5 or 6 years. i also got to meet her brand new 6 week old twins! i can't believe that holly has 2 babies! so surreal. i love her though and i missed her so much. it was like no time had passed since seeing each other at all we just talked abnd talked and talked. i love friends like that and it seems that i'm so far away from them all :(

we ended up spending the night hanging out with melissa after and eating good-for-you pizza and drinking wine and it was so much fun. as they talked about getting together more often (since they live less than 10 mins apart) i begged them to just conference me in so i could pretend i was there. i really do miss my friends so much.

i came back thursday night and then worked from home the first day on friday. it was good. a little stressful since i had so much to do, i was trying to get this one project mostly done that day since i had JURY DUTY the following week. i had hoped i would not be on a case, esp since it was my second day of work but, knowing my luck, i knew i could not count on that.

and guess what? i was right. i should have known it wasn't a good sign when my juror number was 645 and when i called that weekend they were calling jurors number 1 through..... 645. of course.

so i reported for jury duty monday morning. it was my first time. before they called anyone they gave us all this survey that some grad student had put together and it was really very interesting. it bascially asked you how often you watched all these certain law shows and then asked a bunch of questions about the law and stuff. i leaned that one 1.) i watch WAY too many law-themed shows and 2.) it REALLY colors what i think about the law. really. i thought i was pretty intelligent, but i could totally see the point of the survey. scary.

anyway... so they tell us then that they are picking 3 panels that day. if you don't get picked, you're done and you're free to go. they pick 28 per panel. i was picked for the first panel.

so we all go down to the courtroom and the judge and the prosecutor and the defense were there. along with the guy on trial. that seemed weird to me. at any rate, they pick 14 of us (of which i am not one) and begin with their questions. one chick got dismissed right away due to the schedule. and i was called to replace her.

ah, fitting that i will have to finish this later, given how i started it :) work calls and since i've been off for, oh, 7 days (not counting weekends!) i had better get to it!

in which i start to freak out

tomorrow is my last day here at my current job. as i was sitting in the parking lot that is 94 i was thinking, wow you're not all wound up about the traffic this morning. why is that? oh right. tomorrow is the last morning you'll have to do this. wait... TOMORROW IS THE LAST MORNING YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THIS! yikes!

so i took a new job. and i start monday. what does this mean? well is means i have to finish getting the office in shape this weekend. it means that i will travel to CT next week. it means I WILL NO LONGER WORK IN AN OFFICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

ok this is all really surreal. i mean, it's good. it's a big raise (but not all that thrilling really since i was severely underpaid for my skills here ), it's a slightly new area of design for me so it will be scary as hell challenging. but as i said, i already did a small project for them and i really liked it and really got into it and as a result of that work i got the offer i wanted (even a little more). so that means i'll be good, right? i am so freaking out.

and i'm a planner people. i like plans. i like knowing what's happening next. i think that my life was in limbo for so many years that the order and planning just makes me happy. make no mistake, at first the order and calm kinda freaked me out but now i love it. every afternoon around 3 alex and start talking over IM for what The Plan is for the night. Everyday we do this. My point is that my new company is, shall we say, sparse in the communication area. For example, when I got the offer, I asked for a few days to go over it all. The guy who sent it to me was going to be on vacation the week my response was due. I asked him who I should send it to. He told me himself, the company president and the HR contact. So that's what I did. The only response I received at all was from the HR lady with some information for me and questions so they could book my travel.

now... you'd think the guy that was on vacation might have contacted me when he got back. maybe a little "hey, glad you're joining us" or whatever. something. some acknowledgment. and, um, travel? huh? what are you talking about? travel where? (see this is why i feel a little out of the loop.)

after i sent my acceptance letter i contacted the woman who i will be working with and with whom i worked on that project with. i let her know i had accepted and she was really excited. even told me i made her day. which, in truth, did make me feel better. this was about 30 second after i hit "send" on the acceptance and as i'm talking to her, she says she's gotten another IM saying that i was starting the 19th. now see, here's another point! we had not discussed a start date. in my acceptance, i asked if the 19th was ok with them. NO ONE REPLIED TO IT. and here they're telling my new coworker that's my start date. it's weird, right?

so my coworker tells me they will fly in my whole team so we can meet each other. that's the travel they are talking about. well that's cool, right? so that's why i'll be in CT next monday through thursday. but since then? no word. none. what is The Plan? what will i be doing there? i mean they expect me to work i suppose, but what will i need to bring with me? who will i report to while there? i mean, i need details! also, what do i wear?!?!? i have to pack for 4 days at a new office, two of those days will be partially spent on a plane. how do you plan for that? think of the shoe issues alone! gah!

so yeah, i'm in meltdown mode. and then once i get back? i'll be working at home with NO HUMAN CONTACT. have i mentioned that??

oh! oh! OH. i forgot the best part ever. health insurance. we are both on the health insurance of my current employer. that ends tomorrow. my new insurance would start july 1. no big deal. only, my current employer has not gotten me any numbers on how much it would cost to keep it for the rest of the month. and my new options? i have the options of a PPO or an HSA. pretty decent options... if you're not me. the PPO looks decent (not sure how many/which doctors i might have to change) but the more i read... there is a $250 copay for MRIs. WTF? i don't pay a dime now on my HMO. $250 EACH? people, do you know many MRIs i have in the course of a year? this is not good.

you might think, as i did, well just go on alex's insurance. no biggie. he went off it since it wasn't free and mine was. but mine is no longer free. so why not? well one reason is that if we're not on his insurance they give us $300/mo in flexible medical spending money. pretty nice! you then might think, as i did, well use that for the MRI copay! perfect! oh wait. not perfect. his company is getting bought out by the end of the month. we have no idea what the new company will offer at all. oh, and there's more, the company he's been contracted to fo the last 5 years will probably hire him on (that would be ideal) so he can skip the other transition altogether. but that won't happen until july or august.

i will not even mention the hell that is the magazine right now. nor the fact that i realized they have been underpaying me all year. or that the schedule is all screwed up. or that i need to probably do the next one and that our next estiamted tax payment is due tomorrow and i almost forgot and that alex's brother wants me to do freelance for his company and that there's some family drama there and that the freidn thing is still going on and that my friend who is dating that friend is moving here next week and that, no, i have still heard nothing from my mother. oh and we're refinancing the house, and no, the tile is not done yet and yes, my husband did rip up the rug in another room (upstairs) when the downstairs is not done and did i mention i will be WORKING FROM HOME COMPLETELY AFTER TOMORROW?

so, in short, there is much going on.

your friends are your friends until they're not.

wow, so eloquent.

i've had a lot going on in my head lately in regard to friends i wanted to try to sort it all out because talking to people only helps so much. if they know the people it's hard to be honest, if they don't well then they'll side with you or try to be objective and if they don't know the people that gets to be pointless sometimes. and so i've been trying to work it all out myself and getting nowhere fast. then, upon reading another blog, i saw this line and thought, yes. that's it. it's as simple as that.

then i started this whole REALLY LONG post about all the devastation i've had in regard to friends in my life. and about halfway through i was getting way too sad and it was long and only meant something to me i guess.

the gist? throughout my life i've had some very close, very strong friendships that have suddenly ended. and i have no idea why.

i'm in the middle of it again. and it's really tearing me apart. although there is more understanding this time of how it went down, kind of, or at least some of the circumstances, i don't understand how it's come to what it's come to and just what (if anything) I am suposed to do now.

with my history, it's really got me wondering just what it is I keep missing...

when you don't have time to write something meaningful...

... entertain with photos!!

one from a group workout we went to and thoroughly enjoyed. and another from browsing the new local H&M at our mall and deciding it's too trendy for me (or that i am too old).

somethig easy

when you jsut don't have enough time, or quite have all the infomration forthe ppost you really want to do, go with a meme! thanks irish girl!

I AM: a smartass, plain and simple
I SAID: i would never set foot in CT again, but i did.
I WANT: to be happy and to have those around me happy as well
I WISH: big decisions were easy to make
I HATE: stress.
I MISS: all my friends that are so far away
I FEAR: spiders
I HEAR: keyboards clicking away and a meeting going on in the conference room.
I WONDER: what will happen with my job situation
I REGRET: the things that have happened with my mom
I AM NOT: confident anough
I DANCE: when i am happy.
I SING: in the car. always.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: subtle, especially when it counts
I MADE: a lot of really great canges in my life over the last few years
I WRITE: not as well as i wish i did
I SHOULD: be working instead of doing this!
I START: a new phase i my life.... soon
I FINISH: when i start out to do. most of the time!
I BELIEVE: everything happens for a reason, i have to. i've been through some really nasty things.
I KNOW: how lucky I am.
I CAN: learn just about anythig if i set my mind to it
I CANT: stand bing in a state of limbo
I SEE: without glasses now!
I BLOG: not enough. i'm not that interesting!
I READ: blogs, US weekly, books when it peaks my interest.
I AM AROUSED BY: my husband
IT PISSES ME OFF: when peopel try to make themselves feel superior by cutting others down
I FIND: if you take time to think things over the solution usually presents itself
I LIKE: sunshine and warm weather!
I LOVE: alex and evey part of my new family here.

much as i expected

remind me to never take the last appointment of the day again. we had to wait almost an hour. i totally understand that it happens though, i wasn't mad. just hungry, but aren't i always :) things get dicey if i don't get my afternoon snack.

anyway, so i really love my neurologist he's awesome. very old school, for lack of a better way to describe it. i mean, there he is with his computer bringing everything up on the screen but then he'll sit back and look at us and just say "so how are you? tell me how things are and how you've been feeling" it's just... nice! you know?

anyway... so nothing really new. he said my exam was really good and that i looked great and healthy and all that. we talked about my episodes of panic attacks -- we think that's what they were anyway -- and he made note and seemed intrigued. we talked about holding off on my next leg surgery. which really bums me out but i recognize it's not worth it right now and if he tells me to wait i'll wait.

things i did not expect? well when he was doing my eye tests he seemed not happy with something he saw in my right eye. he checked it a few times then asked me where the neuritis had been worse. i couldn't remember. how sad is that? so he looked it up and confirmed it had been the right. once he confirmed that he didn't elaborate any further but there was something. he could have just seen the scarring, but still. that caught me a little off guard.

the other thing is that he told us last time that i'd basically see him every 6 months, doing MRIs at 6 month or 1 year intervals depending on if i had a recurrence of any symptoms or anything new. so he scheduled a new set for july... ok. but the thing that threw me is that he made a follow up appointment with me for august following the set. last time he did not do that. it was just "i'll call if there's anything but i don't expect anything so don't worry about it" kind of thing. the fact that he's already scheduled the follow up, on top of the eye thing, makes me think that he's expecting to need to discuss something. especially since he did mention treatment... if the MRI shows anything.

yeah, i'm a worrier, i know. and maybe it's nothing, but it's enough of a shift in how it has been that makes me kind of pause to think about it.

this always seems to come in spurts

i wish i was better about updating more regularly, but it's not like there's all that much going on.

i feel like i'm in a state of limbo right now. the magazine -- the last one i'm contracted to do -- was supposed to have been done over a month ago... and it STILL hasn't started! this is really going to start cutting into my good weather time. i'd much rather be working on it say, while we've had 17 days of rain and it's 50 degrees. ah, figures. i'd really like to think that this will be my last one. that i can give up that particular gig... but the money is so good for what it is. sure, it takes up my life while i'm working on it, but it's only really 3 months out of the year. decisions, decisions.

speaking of decisions i haven't made any in regard to jobs. our office moved last week. the new space is nice, definitely better than what we had. almost as cool as the space we used to have downtown when i worked here back in 99. i've certainly been busy, with one of the designers leaving. but do i want to stay here? I don't know. i really do think i'd like the new gig but that's in a weird place right now. i finished that one side project they gave me. they've offered me to work on another one. which i'm not sure i'd be able to do, assuming the magazine will start anyminutenow. i'd rather they just meet my number and i could take it. but the longer it takes the more i wonder, is that what i want to do? it's really the working from home thing. i'm not sure i'd want to do that 100% of the time. plus, looks like alex is going to become 100% working from home soon too. both of us, working from home 100%? i can see the advantages but we could also drive each other batty. we already spend an inordinate amount of time together. i'm sure people think we're nuts. but it works for us, so maybe that WOULD be good. eh. who knows. i have to wait until all the cards are on the table and then decide.

hopefully soon.

in other news that i've been completely ignoring, monday is my next checkup with the neurologist. *sigh* it's so much easier ot just ignore all that crap. i don't feel any differently and i haven't had any new symptoms so i'm pretty sure he'll send me for a new MRI series and then say see you in 6 months. and that would be totally fine with me to be honest. man, i'm so glad that i didn't accept my last neurologist diagnosis at face value. but that brings me to a point of contention. now, my last neurologist diagnosed me with MS. wanted to start me on the medication, the daily shots right away. i made an appointment after timeframe she gave us to "think it over" which was the week of the wedding ironically. oh yeah, got that lovely news as we were about to go drop the invitations in the mail. anyway... i never kept that appointment because i met with and love my new neurologist. but my point is this... given the fact that she diagnosed me with a progressive disease that needs aggressive preventative treatment to keep it in check.... and then i never came back.... shouldn't they CALL ME? shouldn't they CHECK ON ME to see how i am doing?

this is the second time in my life i've felt this way about a doctor. both instances are quite disturbing in my mind. i mean, maybe there's some reason they are not allowed to or something, but come on!!!

ugh. so anyway, that's all that's new really. it needs to get sunny. soon.

can't make a decision? do both!

so last week's whirlwind of interviews and job offers and rebuttals and discussions and decisions was very.... taxing.

was it better? should i make the move? was it to risky? i mean, they DID offer it to me 3 different ways. all in an attempt to find the fit that would work. i should be flattered that they are so interested right? ugh.

so now? well i'll do a project for them on the side. we get to test each other out and see if it's a fit. no risk! extra money! why not? i think this has worked out pretty well for now if you ask me.

the mom thing? well i wrote her a rather lengthy email. i think i did a pretty good job of laying it out on the line and not being accusatory or attacking at all. we'll see what happens there. i'm curious about it, frankly.

and the trip! yay! we leave friday morning. very excited to see melissa and go to the senior design exhibit! and see mark! how fun! i haven't been back to my college, well, since i graduated. wait, that's not true. what a liar i am! melissa and i taught a class there together while i was at CDG. still, that was 4 years ago? i think that's right. at any rate, it will be fun.

and i'll be in glastonbury, where my (potential) new employer is based out of so i can stop by and say hello! and meet some of the people i'll be working with. at least i think so. we'll see.

and i get my stove back tonight! hurray!!!

not much to say

been really busy at work and also interviewing for a new position that kind of fell in my lap. not sure i want it, exactly, but it is like a 30% raise and i would work from home. it's all happened so fast and i should find out if they will meet my number today.

we also began the Great Tiling Project last weekend. it's very pretty. not done, but pretty. our behemoth refrigerator could not be removed from the the kitchen entirely, just moved to one end. so we still have to finish up the tile under that spot once the fridge can be moved back.

the next magazine starts may 1, which, if i accept the offer, is also when my new job would start. yikes.

in other news, we're going to CT next weekend to visit my best friend. i swore i would never set foot in that state again. but i miss her and she could use the visit too. also means we'll be there for the big design show at our college. kind of excited that timing worked out! who knew!

in other news, my mother called me this morning. no lie. and her message? in its entirety "why are you mad at me?" in a total like upbeat sing-songy voice like i'd say to alex after doing something stupid. i swear. now i have to figure out what to do about that.

ok, i had more to say than i thought.

magic 8 ball meme

Have to admit, this was fun!!

*****

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.

How does the world see you?
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott

Will I have a happy life?
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurhythmics

What do my friends really of think me?
Broken, Jack Johnson

Do people secretly lust after me?
Brass Monkey, Beastie Boys

How can I make myself happy?
She's a Rebel, Green Day

What should I do with my life?
King of All Excuses, Staind

Will I ever have children?
Never Say Never, Queens of the Stone Age

What is some good advice for me?
Nowhere Man, Paul Westerberg

How will I be remembered?
Story, Lene Marlin

What is my signature dancing song?
The Rain, Missy Elliott

What do I think my current theme song is?
It's My Life,. Bon Jovi

What song will play at my funeral?
Extraordinary Thing, KD Lang

What type of men/women do you like?
Doth I Protest Too Much, Alanis Morissette

What is my day going to be like?
Dirty Little Secret (Thievery Corporation Remix), Sarah McLachlan

i can't stop eating

for two weeks now. i can't stop filling my pie hole. at all. this usually happens to me a few days out of the month, but then i won't want to eat for like 3 days after, it all balances out. but this has not stopped! i just ate a banana, my hummus and 2 sugar free turtles. in like 2 minutes. what is wrong with me? (plus garlicky chocolate breath? not so fun, must get some gum now...)

when i sit and think about what i eat in a day, it's not a crazy amount.... but for ME it is. me with my (not-so) little belly. i wonder what's causing this. i need to nip it in the bud, that's for sure.

in happier news, the new wallet i ordered to go along with my new purse that i got at the party my SIL dragged me to is in and she's picking it up for me tongiht. i'm very excited to use my new purse. especially since my old one seems so...... dirty to me now. better be careful though, i might try to eat it.

why not?

Taken a picture naked? of myself? no. no. no. no one needs that.

Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes indeed.

Told a lie? Yeah.

Gotten in a car with people you just met? I don't think so. I did almost take a motorcycle ride with these guys a friend and i had just met at the beach. That would have been REALLY stupid.

Been in a fist fight? Yes.

Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back? Who hasn't?

Been arrested? Yes.

Left your house without telling your parents? Who knows, they didn't really pay much attention, so probably.

Ditched school to do something more fun? Yep, both high school and college

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes

Seen someone die? Yes

Kissed a picture? Yes. i think so.

Slept in until 3? I must have at some point.

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Not recently enough

Played dress up? Yes.

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. (Missed way to much art history to say I have a minor in it).

Felt an earthquake? No.

Touched a snake? Certainly not on purpose.

Ran a red light? Like 2 days ago.

Had detention? Yes.

Been in a car accident? Yes, 3 or 4

Pole danced? Ha!!!! Again, no one needs that!

Been lost? Oh, so many times. Figuratively and literally.

Sang karaoke? no no no.

Done something you told yourself you wouldn?t? more times than I can recount

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes

Kissed in the rain? Maybe? I don't remember a specific moment or anything though. Should do that.

Sang in the shower? Yes, but the car is definitely more my thing. I'm a rockstar. Sinigng duets with Matt were my favorite car experiences.

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.

Ever gone to school partially naked? What does this mean? I'll go with no.

Sat on a roof top? i think so.

Played chicken? No.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. (This was not an invitation, I don't need any of you getting any ideas.)

Been told you?re hot by a complete stranger? Only at gas stations by questionable men. Oh, and that one guy in traffic on 94. That was funny, although I don't think he said "hot" per se.

Broken a bone? Nope

Mooned/flashed someone? nope

Forgotten someone?s name? All the time.

Slept naked? Yep.

Blacked out from drinking? Never. never even gotten sick.

Played a prank on someone? Yes.

Felt like killing someone? Oh yes

Made a parent cry? Certainly

Cried over someone? Way too often.

Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? sadly, no.

Had/Have a dog? A few times but only briefly.

Been in a band? No, sadly.

Drank 25 sodas in a day? eek. no. that's a lot of soda!

Shot a gun? No, other than arcade type things. they scare me.

What's wrong with people?

Last night my purse was taken while we were at our yoga class. I left it in my locker (unlocked) I know, I know but it's a fixed number of people there, not a general public kind of place and we all do that. It was under my coat as always. It was so upsetting. It was "found" later but whoever had it had rifled through my wallet and had taken all the gift cards/reward things from stores that I had. Wedding presents and such. Thankfully that was all, my credit cards were all there (even though we cancelled them anyway for safety) and my license and brand-new-hadn't-even-set-up-voicemail-yet-and-quite-expensive cell phone. so it could have been so much worse. As crappy as it is that all stuff is gone ($400ish worth of stuff) I feel worse for the owner. It's SUCH a small place, it's personal training by appointment so to think one of her clients or trainers is a thief is awful. Alex and I have our suspicions on one person who was acting weird... I'll probably talk to the owner about that later.

interesting topic

i've been reading all the sites invovled in the "false advertising" debate the last few weeks. alex and i have had this discussion, many times, only in reverse.

he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.

so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?

last night i had the strangest dream...

(and now i can't stop singing that silly "break my stride" song... but i digress)


i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.

i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.

one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.

i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.

i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.

somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.

i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.

now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."

now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?

i think i've just negated 1/2 my wardrobe

funny, for all the years that i had red hair i hated the color pink. my hatred for pink was deep and everyone who knew me knew how much i hated the color. it was my thing. you know? so having red hair was never an issue.

well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!

anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."

great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!

6 months

today marks our 6 month wedding anniversary. weird. seems so long and so short all at once. i was listening to the music that we played in the garden on the way into work this morning. ah, memories. all the planning! all the craziness! all the work! all the joy. last year was one hell of a year!

in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.

i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?

and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.

i hold on to stuff

to a fault. and i know this. but what i'm talking about here is old wounds. it happened again last night.

we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.

i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.

i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.

really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?

randomness

funny how you make a comment about not commenting and then you get a comment on your site that you're SURE no one reads.

ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.

anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.

i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...

***

i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.

then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.

yeah, thanks mom.

*sigh*

***

i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.

***

we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)

***

i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.

***

lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.

however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.

alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.

why don't i comment?

it's odd you know, two bloggers who i enjoy quite a bit have said they are turning to password-protected sites. i get it, too many people know about their blogs and they want the freedom back to not self-censor. makes total sense. they even said, just comment and i'll send the info out.. well, i'll send it out if i know who you are. ahhhh yes, the key is there. even during "delurking week" where is was INVITED that you say hello, i still could not. and i actually managed to send a note to both of them today. not to get the information, no, not at all. but to wish them well and to thank them for sharing their lives with me, even though they did know that i was there.

there have been several times i've started a comment, even if all it was was "congrats!" or "great photo!" anything and i never post. ever. what the hell could i possibly be afraid of? rejection? hardly. the like 3 times i've gotten a comment i got so excited i couldn't believe it! someone reads this!!?!? no way! i've not told anyone about this blog, not at all, except for the friend that got me to start it, and i don't think that he even reads it anymore. so those 3 or 4 comments were pretty darn exciting! so why wouldn't other peopel be excited to know there is one more person reading and enjoying their blog? yeah, i've got issues apparently.

in other news, i got an "i don't need to see you unless you have another episode" from the neuro-opthamologist. yay! i do, however, have residual scarring in my left eye from the last attack. not a surprise, i know my color vision has been compromised. i actually only scored 2 plates below "normal" in the color blind test, which, frankly is frightening. but as a designer, i'm quite aware that my color vision stinks. and this fact, it's not good.

oh, right, so as for commenting? yeah, i probably still won't. cuz i'm like that.

happy birthday to me.

and what will i be doing today? going to the neuro-opthamologist 'bout the same thing i did last year on my birthday. except i had awful, painful, blinding tests done last year. which reduced me to a whimpering mess that alex had to lead around the rest of the night. we had to stop for food since it took longer than we thought. at some place i hadn't been so he needed to read me the menu then cut up my food. then we went home and i went straight to bed. it was horrible.

this is the follow up appointment i have been kind of avoiding for awhile. first it was during the honeymoon so i had to reschedule. then it was durig a week where i had other, more important appointments, so i rescheduled. then it was during the week i had off from work, perfect. then THEY called and rescheduled it for today. yeah, thanks. two years in a row, i appreciate that.

we've totally been ignoring my possible health issues. it was easy to hide behind the wedding for a long time. then we had to wait for tests. then when they never called, and just said to schedule the next round for april. (which, incidentally, i was told i had to call after the 1st of january to do. when i called on the second at 9am, april was already booked. go figure).

anyhow, i did not expect today to be anything more than a check up. but, i have been having pain in my left eye for about a month or so. i haven't mentioned it to anyone, not even alex, figured i'd just wait until today and spring it on him in the car on the way to the institute. nice, huh? we've just been so good about avoiding it. i know that's not good, but what else is there to do? it's some looming prospect that keeps us waiting every 6 months to see, do i have any lesions yet? not so fun. and i know so many have it so worse and i'm not complaining, i'm just, trying not to worry.. you know, until i have to.

BUT i could think of better ways to spend my birthday.

happy new year!

thanks goodness we rang in the new year better than christmas!

it was actually quite lovely. we spent time with some dear friends and some new friends. had a fun night of laughs and joy and tons of food (including some gingerbread i had been dying to make. i had kept seeing some at starbucks so i was determined to make some that i could eat, and it was mighty delish if i do say so myself).

then our yoga teacher had invited us to go to another studio where he teaches on new years day for 108 sun salutations to ring in the new year. oh my. that was an event.

i wasn't sure how many i could actually do in a row, but we broke it up into 4 groups of 27 so it was much more doable. it was a lot of fun and a great way to start the new year, even if we are walking funny from all the sore muscles!

hope everyone had a great start to what will be a fabulous year i'm sure!

as my mother in law said: you may not be able to add years to your life but you can add life to your years.

happy 2006!

what happens in vegas...

..should DEFINITELY stay there.

now i know why this slogan is such a success. seriously. we had the worst. christmas. ever.

i'm too done with it right now to even explain. let's just leave it at i spoke to my mom on the phone on christmas day briefly and i haven't SEEN her since christmas eve. yeah, we were all staying in the same suite. it's not pretty.

i wonder how long it will be before i hear from her again.

i'm still trying to figure out exactly what we did wrong.....

one year ago today

my granfather died.

it was a horrible last month or so for us. i'm so grateful that i got to spend that time with him and that he knew who i was most of the time and we communicated. but it was heartwrenching and so draining on my mom and i. i wouldn't have traded that experience for anything. i woould have loved him to have been able to be at my wedding. but it was his time.

which is why this yeah my family is going to vegas for christmas. it was always my grandpa's big day. he's put on his santa hat and pass out the gifts one by one. we all had our spots where we'd sit and he'd pretend not ot be be able to read the tags then get mad if more than one present for the same person was in a row. he'd save all his gifts until the end. then there was always the traditional "oops i forgot gift." we all miss him terribly.

so this year, a change of pace, and cleaning of the slatem if you will. it will be too painful to go through the old traditions which would really be new anyway since my parents have moved and all... but this year my mom wants vegas. so vegas it is.

we leave tomorrow at 2pm. ought to be interesting.

happy holidays to everyone. hope you spend it the way you hope to with the people you love.

and more with pictures

this weekend i surpassed a milestone that was only a dream 18 months ago. i have now officially lost over 200 pounds. (202 as of today, but who's couting.) i'm within EIGHT pounds of having a "normal" weight. EIGHT POUNDS. i can't believe it.

it's been quite a year i'll admit.

If you're so inclined, take a peek.

two rooms down, one to go

we're kicking some serious house butt latey.

in two weekends we conquered the big room. pulled up up the rug, painted, tore down all the tile around the fireplace, tore down that weird railing that seperated it from the kitchen, got new speakers, ran the wiring (through the walls) and put down bamboo floor #2.



oh, and we hung the new ceiling fan too. ok, alex did that, on the top of the 12' ladder. very. carefully. i don't have pictures of that yet.

all we need to do is build the bar, retile around the fireplace, hang the tv and put up the new mantle too. oh, and the curtains. i'm gonna make them. since they need to be 11' tall. and 11' tall curtains are really expensive, especially when you need 6.

but yay!

a new obsession

i love bloglines. i have heard people talk about it and i finally looked into it. i have all the sites i read in my list. it's FABULOUS! i only need to check one place and then i can see if there's anything new. lovely! now, the only problem since it takes up so much less time i need all of you guys to post more often so i have things to keep my occupied! work, bah. who needs it. actually things are picking up so it's very convenient to have this nifty feature. maybe i need some new sites to read. yes, that must be it. i have also, finally, caught up with everything since i stopped reading before the wedding/honeymoon/etc. so i feel all up to date. it's such a strange phenomenon, i feel like i "know" some of these people and clearly i so don't. it's very interesting.

i was so excited, Day, to get a comment from you. and i replied (or tried to) but you didn't put in your email. and i know i can get it from your site, but then i felt like i wasn't sure if i was "supposed" to since you didn't leave it there... i'm new at that, actual comments. it's crazy! but thank you, and i hope all is going well with the move.

and another one?

there's another friend of mine getting divorced. now. also, not a surprise so much though. but still hard. because they have a little boy. alex and i saw this one coming from a mile away though. she's young (25) he's not much older. high-school sweethearts, married for 4 or 5 years now i guess. their son is 3. sounds good right? well it was.

i met her through an online wls support group. she was a few months ahead of me post-op and she helped me through things and we shared our experiences and craziness and all that. she also has become obsessed with "completing her transformation" which has included A LOT of plastic surgery. for months, even before she started, she stopped wearing her wedding ring because it was "too big" and would constantly tell me about the guys hitting on her all the time or checking her out constantly. now, i had surgery 3 months after getting engaged. my ring only fit for a few months, for the rest of the time until about a month before the wedding i had a huge sizer put in. no way was i not wearing it. it was very important to me. (i ended up having to get it sized to a 5 from a 10). and i suppose i must have guys checking me out, but i don't notice. and i think guys flirt with me but i don't pay any heed. partially cuz it's new to me and mostly because i don't care. so it always surprised me that this was a constant topic for her.

so she's done a bunch of plastic surgery and always seems to be going out. she doesn't work (she was ina major car accident that required a major knee operation in which she had to lose weight first, hence the wls, and she just recently had that knee surgery too amidst all the ps). anyway, we just weren't surprised to hear they were separated.

now she did not want to go into the details online, understandable, but i wonder wether it's her wanting to be free to be the new her, if it's him being jealous of the new attention she's receiving and can't handle the way she's treating it, or if there was an event. i guess i'll find out eventually, or maybe i never will. but it's interesting that i was discussing her (abstractly) at my talk this week because i hear of this happening all too often, of relationships/friendships crumbling when you have wls because either the person changes and wants to get out of the relationships they are in or the other people can't handle the change, the new confidence in the person or can't handle being the bigger person (with friendships) etc.

i knew that was a possibility, and i also knew the friendships were too solid for that. thank goodness i was right.

it's not as sordid as it sounds, i don't think

so i have a friend of mine that i've been friends with for about 13 years or so. not my closest friend by any stretch, but always there and stuck around through my horrible last relationship (including the retreating from everyone, suicide attempt, etc etc) and anyone who stuck around through all that, well, that's a good friend.

anyway. she got married a few weeks after i moved back to michigan. i was unable to afford to be there for it, but sad to say, i did not take it seriously. she was one of those types that felt like she HAD to get married at a certain time. i never liked him and didn't think it was a good idea, but it was not my decision to make. her family is well off and it was a HUGE wedding. HUGE (think over 400 people).

i think they had a pretty rocky one, but she hid a lot from me, her parents, everyone. she's very concerned about appearances, even though i stressed to her that i could relate! can't make someone talk. she'd accidentally send me emails meant for him (we have the same name) and so i got some insight.

i was scared when she started talking about trying to get pregnant to "save" the marriage, cuz that works.

she started talking separating this summer. i urged her to do what was best. but every time she'd start sounding serious she'd back off with excuses like "well, i'm not sure he's take care of the cats if i moved out." and so it continued. i'd gently ask her how things were going and then i got the "we went out to dinner and talked and everything is fine now." yeah, ok, i believe that.

he refused to accompany her to my wedding. she was a bridesmaid. she said they could not afford for both of them to fly here. fair enough, i couldn't afford to go to hers, i understand that. (come to find out later he refused to come because i did not go to theirs and he had forbade her to be in mine, luckily she did not listen. but that's another story). i knew he had destroyed her self-esteem over the 6 years they had been together. she went from the assertive/loud/confident person to a shy/introverted/self-deprecating one. and it was sad to see. i hoped that coming here to michigan and being away from him would help her get the strength to leave him.

now, another good friend of mine that i work with but did not really socialize with was also part of the wedding. the reason we did not socialize is that he was in a horrible relationship too, and it just wasn't a good scene. he's a great guy but she had some major issues, they fought all the time and she was a big drinker and that's just not our scene (they broke up in the summer when she decided she wanted to move to california). like a month before the wedding i asked him if he'd be in charge of the music for the ceremony. it was all being run off an ipod and the processional was rather complicated and having someone in charge was needed. he agreed and we were all set.

now, being my wedding and all, i was a little oblivious to the goings on around me at the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. although i knew all the girls were quite taken by said guy friend. he was their entertainment hands down, which was actually kind of nice. but it wasn't until my side was hanging out after the rehearsal dinner in the hotel lounge when h came up to me and said "dude, you did not TELL me how cute she is!" to which i responded "but she's married." and then one of the other girls pointed out to me that she was not wearing her wedding rings. ponderous.

so my guy friend, being a biker, took the girls on spins around town, which they loved. hell, i love riding on it around town when he rides to work. and everyone was having a good time. end of night, he had to stay, too much to drink and ended up staying in the room with two of the bridesmaids as i was staying with my maid of honor that night.

nothing happened, since it was a group deal and i left on my honeymoon and all was well. when i got back i realized that they had been talking like every day since the wedding and that she had started divorce proceedings.

since then (remember my wedding was sept 10) she's gotten her own apartment, all the papers are filed and the court date is in a few weeks.

now the thing is, my two friends are together now. she did not cheat on her husband while she was here. but they are definitely an item now. she's coming here for the week between christmas and new years. and they wheels are in motion for her to move here at the end of the school year (she's a teacher).

now i never thought of them as a couple, as that was not a possibility in my mind. but knowing them both very well, it works. absolutely. also, knowing them both, i know their feelings are legit. she'd already turning back into the person i knew before. which is so great to see. her friend and family on the east coast don't see it that way. they think she's leaving her husband for him. and that's not the case. at all. her marriage was over a long time ago but since she hid so much from everyone, well, they didn't know.

it's weird now things work out. the prospect of her being here and so close to me again is so not something i ever thought would happen, and truthfully, i'm pretty excited. for them and for me.

the pleasure was all mine

so my caseworker lady from my surgical group left that old group to start a new one nearer to me. (mine was over an hour away). i never had gone to any of the support group or post-op meetings because they were always on like a wednesday evening at 6 and there was no way i could get our of work exactly on time, fight the rush hour traffic and hope to get there even remotely on time. anyway... after i got back from the honeymoon, said case worker called me and told me about her new position and asked if i'd be willing to come and be a guest speaker at their first meeting. i was pretty flattered that she asked me and i of course readily agreed.

the meeting was last night. i took great pains to make sure i looked good, dragged out the makeup, did the hair, everything. debated on what to wear, knowing everyone would be checking out my body closely as I did to older pre-ops back then. i wore what i consider The Best Jeans Ever? (yes, i stole that from seeing Cecily's references to her dog. my apologies for the rip-off). ANYWAY, so the jeans. they are fabulous. and a red button down shirt. i was feeling great, of not a bit nervous.

so we get there and go up to the room that we were supposed to and find it locked. well, now i'm confused. we ended up traipsing all over the hospital trying to figure it out then finally found the information desk and they pointed us in the right direction. i was annoyed, since we were told the wrong room, but also since now it looked like i was 20 minutes late, which i HATE being late. but whatever.

we went over all of my pictures that my buddy keith and i had carefully taken and documented along the journey which i think was really helpful for everyone to see. i got to tell my story and even take a lot of q&a and i gotta tell you, i loved it. i loved being able to share my experiences and offer reassurance and as my case worker puts it "be an incredible role model." now, i'm not sure about that last part, but it still felt nice.

and how weird was it that for the first time in my life i was conscious og being the absolutely thinnest person in the room. very strange feeling.

I've come a long way baby.

thanksgiving

we really did have a lot to be thankful for this year as alex's dad came home thanksgiving morning and we were able ot have our dinner together as planned. everyone was quite relieved. it was a nice time and festive. i brought a few dishes over (that I could eat) and some pies that were no-sugar-added that i made. two pumpkin, two pecan. it's funny as generally no one wants to touch sugar-free stuff and we ended up not having any pie to take home as everyone divvied up the leftovers, even of my splenda cranberry sauce. that was the one everyone ate. go figure!

it's all good, although i was hoping i might get a little pumpkin pie! oh well.

we spent the rest of the weekend working on the house and beginning to look at furniture to put on top of our beautiful new floor. we're starting the next room after christmas, new tile around the fireplace and bamboo in there as well. and the bar. he wants to build a bar. like a breakfast bar type thing. god help me.

we keep this up and i'll be pretty attached to this house. it's already starting with him. and all of these improvements were only uspposed to be for resale. i'm starting to think that things might be changing. but that's ok. i think. for now.

must every major holiday have a cloud hanging over it?

last christmas was rough. very rough. i mean, having my beloved grampa's funeral on christmas eve, it doesn't' get much more brutal than that. having spend the previous month sitting at his bedside with my mom watching him die. it was very hard. i mean, for weeks i was the only one who could get him to eat or drink anything, and when he started praying, oh man. and christmas was always his thing. he wore the santa hat and handed out the gifts. needless to say, it wasn't very festive. and this year my parents are going to vegas for christmas and we're going because i know my mom needs me with her this year.

so, now alex's dad is in the hospital. he has all the same things my grampa had, chf, diabetes, etc etc. and he is roughly the same age. my grampa was 77. young. his dad is early 70s. so.... not all that dissimilar. he had the heart attach monday. as of yesterday they found some blockages. they are doing tests right now to determine if he needs a bypass. alex is a mess. i feel like an old pro. i know the hospital drill, we did it for years with gramps. so, i dare say tomorrow will be a hospital bedside day. and that's ok. we gotta do what we gotta do, right? as much as my FIL annoys me and frustrates me, i know how close they are and i'm behind that and will do whatever we need to do.

don't get me started on his mother. i never had a problem with her until now. and i don't know how to deal. that's a story for another time.

the floor

we have a floor people. i repeat, we have a floor. over 1.5 years of only having a subfloor and WE HAVE A FLOOR.

i can't even fathom it.



(did i mention we put it in all my ourselves?)

all my dreams shattered in less than an hour

my entire life i've secretly wanted to be a choreographer. i know, i know, silly. i never even took any sort of dance ever. i mean, come on, i was a really heavy and shy kid. dance wasn't happening.

so now that i'm all in shape (relatively) and we've become exercise freaks (who knew?) and i've run a 5K, i figure, well, it's time to be adventurous.

i see bally's has a hip hop class. i figure aerobics set to hip-hop right? i can do that. sounds fun. yeah, well, that wasn't the case. after the warm up which consisted of about 1000 different kinds of crunches and a gazillion lunges we launched into the choreography. choreography people!

at first a part of me, that little wanna be hip-hop dancer was excited. it was a disaster. i. cannot. dance. to. save. my. life.

no news is good news... right?

so i've heard nothing from the neoroligist about my mris. i think that's good, right? i mean if there was somethig horrible on it someone would have called me, i'd think. right? i suppose this means i need to call his office. soon. not yet. i'm enjoying thinking that everything is fine. give me a few days.

in other, more exciting news, my flatiron finally shipped. omg i can't wait. i have no idea how i've lived without one all my life.

two for one, what fun!

so saturday i had to go my mri. i was already in a pissy mood, due to, in no small way the actual mri. i've got a claustrophobia issue and the first time i got one i really flipped out. they had covered my eyes up. they told me "most people like it this way" and having not had one before, i believe them. it was horrible. i was *thisclose* to making them take me out. whn finally the table started moving out i was so relieved until they jsut injected stuff in my arm and put me back in! horrible.

at any rate, the last set was much better. i'm sure since i knew what to expect and since my eyes were open (if i so chose) and there was a nifty little mirror in there that allowed me to see out. all was great. until they tried to do the injection and blew the vein in a BIG way. and it hurt like hell i thought i was going to die. ok, maybe i'm exaggerating, but whatever. it hurt, ok?

so needless to say, not looking forward to it all again in saturday, especially since it was nly like 3 months since the last series. so i get there, give them the paperwork. of course they can't find me old last name/new last name debacle. they find me. then tell me "oh we only scheduled you for one you'll have to come back for the other one. perfect. let's do this TWICE. kickass. i didn't argue, what could i do at that point, right? so i go in and freeze my ass off. hell people! it's freezing in there! some heat would be nice. whatev. so we do the whole first set, no injections, takes an hour. fine. as i'm leaving they tell me we can do the other one tomorrow. we have an opening so you don' have to reschedule. ok, that sounds nice, i'll do that. at 7AM!!! eh, fine.

so i get up way too early for a sunday get ready and leave and realize on the way to the hospital that since i can't drink anything before the test, and this is the one with the injection, this is not going to be pretty. my veins suck and the only way that they are ok is if i load up on the water. oh well.

at least i've dressed better for this one. many layers and i make them give me a blanket too. and of course the injection took 3 tries but at least they did not blow the vein. course i left while alex was still asleep and apparently i forgot to tell him (or more likely he forget/didn't listen) so i turn my phone on on the way to starbucks to get a much deserved latte most mri and he's like "where the hell are you!?!!?" it was like 10am by then. thanks dear.

so, we wait. and i rescheduled my appointment with the neuro-opthamologist that was supposed to be tomorrow. it was a followup from 3 months ago but then i figured i'd have to fill him in in the diagnosis, the new dr who will not confirm the diagnosis, the new symptoms, the PRK and not have the new mri films. figured it would be better to wait. damn a lot happened in 3 months.

saw this on another blog. cracks me up.

Google for "[insert name here] needs" and post the top ten results.

Christina needs to hear from you right away so she can plan effectively.

Christina needs to advance from good to great.

Christina needs to own her whiteness and stop trying to be a rapper 2.

Christina needs someone who can handle her behaviors in a patient, consistent and loving way and who can demonstrate an appropriate role model.

Christina needs to wear clothes ON TOP of her underwear.

Christina needs to consume 1725 calories per day to maintain her current weight, and 2225 to gain one pound per week.

Christina needs our votes!

And yes, Christina needs here own podcast if she will.

Christina needs to get her angels back.

Christina needs to come down to earth and not expect so much.

someday i'll get to it

you know, to the rest of the wedding story and the honeymoon. someday. soon. i'm trying to decide which wedding pictures to order they are just so amazing. everyone tells us we look like magazine ads in them. and they're right. it's so weird. we do look amazing. weird to say that. weirder to keep saying "my husband."

anyway, we did go see the new neurologist again. yeah, remember all that crappy stuff that was going on that i neatly tucked away as i was busy getting married? yeah that. time to deal with that again.

the good news is that my leg issue disappeared. i don't know when. but i realized sometime at club med that it was no longer tingling. probably on the trampoline. man we had fun. anyway... i also noticed at club med during morning stretch class that i now have an issue with my right arm. only the right. whenever we're exercising (usually yoga) ad my right arm is above my head when i lower it i get shooting numbness from my shoulder to my fingers. not too fun.

so anyway we go see him (man i love that doctor) and tell him what's been going on. he checks me out again and says my reflexes are better than he expected them to be. he also told me all the extra testing he did (to make sure my body could handle the drugs) all came back clean and normal. all the consults he had in regard to my surgery all said if my tests were clean i was fine for the drugs.

all well and good right? well except he's not convinced i even have ms. or that i need to start the drugs. SUCH a change from the old neurologist. keep in mind though that she did not do the correct mri series on me. so this saturday i go and get the correct series done. if it shows any lesions anywhere, i have ms and we start therapy. if there are still no lesions, then we do nothing. until i have what appears to be an attack, or in 6 months when we need to repeat the cycle.

here's to a clean mri series!

where did september go?

i have had no time to write and i'm afraid by the time i do that i will have forgotten everything. ha! no way. i can't believe it's october already. where did september go? my god it was all a blur.

so here is a recount of the last few weeks, in abbreviated form.

thursday, september 8
first day off. i start the day with my b12 injection. fun. we then go downtown to have breakfast and do some errands. i get my pedicure done (to save time tomorrow) i leave alex at the mall with his dad to pick up tuxes and have lunch and i run to the seamstress to pick up my dress. my dress is gorgeous. and as i look at it i think "who the hell is getting in this tiny thing?" talk with the seamstress a bit, she's so awesome and was so good to me. leave there, race to the house to hide my dress away and go back to meet alex. do some more last minute errands then it's time to go to the airport! trish and melissa were going to be arriving! as we're getting off the exit, ym mom calls. they are stuck in traffic at the windsor border. we assure her it will get better and then hang up. alex drops me off ot go in and meet them and he stays with the car to avoid having to park. perfect timing, trish's plane had arrived and melissa's was landing. i wait... and wait... i forget how big the terminal really is as i wait on the other side of the glass doors. finally i see trisha. and she come through the doors... and walks right by me. nice. i call out to her and she's like OMG i didn't recognize you AGAIN. now, it's only been 2 months since i've seen her but i guess another 20 pounds down and now no glasses as well can really throw someone. i am so excited to see her! she grabs her luggage and we wait for melissa. she arrivs a few mintes later, more hugs and happiness then out to the car.

we race off to the seamstress (again) as we're dropping off the skirts for her to press. so nice of her!! then it's off to the hotel for check-in. by this time mom has called again, they're still in traffic and she hopes we have dinner plans. we tell her we'll make reservations for 8 at one of their favorite places that is very "ann arbor" and tell the girls the same. they drop off their stuff and mom and crew arrive at the hotel. aunt bernie walks right by me in the lobby as i go to greet her. ok, i haven't seen her since christmas, so.... we figure out who's riding with who and we're off. dinner was fun.

alex and i go home to spend out last alone night there.

friday, september 9
friday morning i meet mom at the sheraton ad we head off to the salon again. i get my manicure started and my mom gets her feet done. meanwhile alex picks up trish and melissa and drops them off with us mid-morning. then he's off to run around like mad and get everything together and over to the sheraton for set-up. the girls and i have a nice time and the salon is really fun ad it's relaxing ot just hang out with them. my mom and i walk downtown to pick up some food for everyone as we're getting hungry. alex calls to say he's headed t pick up marie at the airport. he does and drops her off with us so she can get her nails done too and i bring melissa and trish back to the hotel as we now don't have room for everyone in my car!

when we finish we go back to meet up with everyone for the rehearsal. jon and jackye have now arrived. we all drive over to the garden ad get stuck in some MAJOR traffic. ah well. we all make it there and alex arrives with his boys who have driven up from ohio. the garden lady tells us what we need to do and i take over all the processional stuff. i admit i knew exactly how i wanted it and had it all worked out. you see, the garden we chose does not have a central aisle, but rather side ones and we are ALL walking in to the same song so it was going to be interesting to see how it panned out. much to my delight it all worked PERFECTLY. amazing!

we run through everything then off to change for dinner (since we did not have time before the rehearsal).

dinner was really fun. unfortunately, my sister and crew did not make it in time. we did do a presentation to alex's parents since september 9th is their 30th wedding anniversary. they were very touched. by the time dinner wound down, my sister had arrived at the hotel so alex and his boys take off and me and my girls and boys head over to the sheraton. i know where sharon's room is so i head up to greet her and my brother, who i have not seen since christmas falls over when he sees me, especially dressed up in my pretty rehearsal dinner dress. they haven't eaten so we decide we'll all go down to the restaurant and bar downstairs, and i tell them i wan tot change and i'll be back. i walk down the hall and see tom (my sister's practically ex-husband that came along) who i haven't seen in a long time, maybe more than a year. i'm not thinking so i smile and wave and say "hey tom!" and he is all confused and it takes him an amusingly long time to figure out who i am. man, that doesn't get old, i swear. :)

so we all go down to the bar/restaurant and have a GREAT time. omg it's so much fun. finally we decide to call it quits and i head up to spend the night with melissa. it was nice, kinda college-days again. good to spend time with all by friends again.

whew. that was a long one. i'll save the wedding day for next time.

it's official

ten day forecast

it's in ten days people. ten days and i'll be a married woman. i hardly believe it.

i'm excited, it's going to be a great party. i'm excited too to have my friends here. none of the have been to michigan. i'm sad too, as it will be the last time i see them for awhile. that saddens me beyond words. *sigh*

back to the weather. so far it's calling for a 78° sunny day in ann arbor. zero percent chance of rain. let's hope it holds. that's divine weather.

i can't believe i'm gonna have a new name. weird. it sounds so weird to me, but i know it's because i'm not used to it. i need to practice my new signature! man i'm gonna screw that up a few times i'm sure.

in other news, i put on a pair of size 8 pants yesterday. EIGHT. and the skirt i tried on that was an 8 is, well, too big.

my life, man has it changed.

sixteen days

in sixteen days i will have a husband. the best husband anyone could ever hope for. i seriously wonder every so often how i got so lucky. he tells me all the time that "i deserve it" but who says? some days i'm so afraid it's all a dream. really. isn't that so odd?

so tonight is my "last" fitting. it's crazy. exciting. overwhelming.

i know i'm going to cry. a lot.

then once all this hoopla is over and we have a glorious, much-needed vacation, all the other stuff i've been ignoring comes back. there are a slew of docotr appointments coming my way in october.

the weather has been divine. i hope it holds.

oh the drama.

everyone told me there would me wedding drama. i refused to believe it. not for me! whatEV!

really, not much though. we've gotten most of our rsvp cards back. i'll assume the ones we have not are not coming but seriously, ow hard is it to send the freakin card back. or just come tell me, email, something. especially when you work with me. in the same office of 15 people. seriously.

ihad a little drama with my girls and someone hot getting their top on time. then the top was discontinued (like everything else i've wanted for this wedding, i swear) then another one located a top. the one who did not order it was mad as she does not like this girl. bah. it should be all set now. should be. we've only got 3 1/2 weeks left.

THREE AND A HALF WEEKS did you hear that? i still have so much to do. figures that i'd want to make all kinds of stuff myself. can't ever do things the "easy" way. noooooooo.

it's all good but when i see things on my calendar like "final pre-wedding haircut" that is THIS FRIDAY it starts to weird me out. we've been planning this for so long, i have no idea what we'll fill our time with after this. once we figure to my health issues i assume we're start talking kids. i have no reason to believe i will have any problems, but no one really thinks so and i have certainly read enough wonderful women's blogs to know that it is not always as planned. we'll see.

i do know that alex wants kids. and that he will be a GREAT dad. a WONDERFUL dad. when i first met his sister and two nieces when we were dating the second i saw him interact with those girls i knew i wanted to have his children. i'm not lying. last night we went to this little water park that is like a mile from our house. complete with big water slides, wave pool, river, etc (that was only $4 to get in!!!) so we went, he went to placate me and we went with our friend kelly and her little nephew who is 7. to see him and alex interact and play and be silly and have sch great fun just made me so happy. so happy. i hope i can give him the children he wants. i really do. when we last discussed it seriously and i asked him if i was not healthy enough or if i was not able to have children, would he want to adopt. he said no. that we just wouldn't have kids. and who knows what the future holds but it did let me know that he wants OUR kids. not surprising, but interesting.

a turn of events

we met with the new neurologist yesterday. things are looking up.

i loved him. he was great, bow tie and all. very old-fashioned. it was great.

and you know why i loved him? he's thorough. he said everything we were thinking. he did not discount the possible relationship between surgery and my symptoms. he brought up things that no one else has yet. yes, it means more tests, but i feel like he's actually interested in figuring this out, instead of pushing drugs on me, which, incidentally, could make me worse right now.

he's bringing my case to a board to discuss. as i'm complex. he could not verufy the diagnosis yet. and even if he does, at least i'll feel better about it and where i'll head from there.

that's all i wanted. a doctor who actually seems like he cares. is that too much to ask these days?

no title to speak of

in wedding news:
had my first fitting friday. they have to "start" by taking in my dress 4 inches. that's to start. insanity. i LOVE LOVE LOVE my dress and my veil. this is the first time i had seen my veil since i had picked parts and pieces from several and had it custom made. and it was worth it, it's amazing.

today is the rsvp deadline. let's see how many people we still need to contact. i especially like my boss telling me "it's the notre dame game day" like we didn't know that. football at U of M is crazy. and the notre dame game is second only to michigan state. it's a big one. we know. nothing we can do about it. apparently he'd rather go to the game. and that's fine.


in other news:
i decided i did not like my neurologist. i didn't like the way she handled the diagnosis and if this is something who i'll potentially be seeing a lot, i want it to be someone i like or at least trust. not that i don't trust her, but, eh, it's a long story. tomorrow we see a new dr. supposedly one of the best ones in the country. i got lucky and he had a cancellation tomorrow. so we'll see what he has to say. it's also a second-opinion type appointment too. i think that will be important for my psyche. i know there's still a part of me that does not believe it.

sniff sniff...

so my mom was supposed to come last night for the weekend. granted there are downsides to my mom being here for days, but this i was really looking forward to. i had bought us tickets to go see neil diamond tonight. (it was her mother's day present). then we found out that my first dress fitting (we pushed it back as far as possible) is friday morning and she was going to be here already! it was perfect.

well, my parents were in australia last week and came back saturday and my mom caught some horrible virus on the plane. nothing life-threatening or anything but enough that she's miserable and very contagious and can't fly.

so alex has to come to neil with me (i'm sure he's thrilled)... and i'm solo on the fitting....

i'm sad.