i hold on to stuff

to a fault. and i know this. but what i'm talking about here is old wounds. it happened again last night.

we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.

i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.

i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.

really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?