i'm nothing if not punctual

yes, these pictures are almost 4 weeks old now... it's not my fault. it's set up so alex has to scan. i'm not incompetent, in fact i have to tell him the settings all the time for what i want. i really don't know why it's set up this way. ah well. here they are.. finally. the cutest little face and foot ever!

117 days

yeah, that's what one of the pregnancy sites told me today. 117 days until my due date. people, that's almost in the two-digit range.

my next ob appt is in 2 weeks, after that? the EVERY TWO WEEK appts begin. next week is our hospital tour. i had been toying with the idea of taking a lamaze class, but between our schedule of classes, work trips and the fact you have to end it at least one month before you due date left us UNABLE TO SCHEDULE ONE.

i'm totally freaking out. alex was the wreck at the beginning and now we're flip flopping. we're going to be buying a crib soon. you know, as soon as it's warm enough to GO OUTSIDE. what is with this weather? yeah, yeah, i know. winter in michgian. exactly why i don't want to live here! it IS in the double digits today so i guess i should not complain... much.

no more progess on the nursery since this weekend. we've both been working late. we were going to tackle it tongiht, but my yoga class is back on! yay! so alex will be solo. bets on progress? i say non, but i try to give him the benefot of teh doubt... we'll see when i get home!

are you sitting down?

cuz i have some news.

THE STAIRS ARE DONE.

i'd include pictures of how lovely they are, but we can't walk on them right now and that's where the camera is. i'll add some later.

they are gorgeous. we still have to touch up the paint and put the trim back on. little things. but my god, it feels good.

also, i have all the steps i need to get to my room!

AND, we can start on the upstairs floor and get all that done. my prediction is we'll have the right side (nursery, office and guest room) done by the end of february. let's see how close i am!

it's a banner day!


*edited to add*
couldn't resist taking a picture with my phone. yes, it's crappy and the colors are all off, but aren't they pretty? just tell me they are! the trim needs to be put up still, so not DONE DONE, but YAY!

the big three-oh

so yesterday was my birthday. i don't know what it is about me and birthdays, but they are never quite what i think they will be.

things that happened yesterday:

1. i was still so sick that i barely made it through the (stressful) day at work. (can't really call out on your birthday, even if you ARE sick, it just looks fishy!)

2. we had a regular ob appt and i met with one of the docotors i've not met before. my husband thought it would be super funny to step on the scale behind me with his foot as i was getting weighed in. the nurse and i were quite puzzled how i had gone up that much in one week... he thought that was jsut hilarious. asshole.

3. my mother sent me an ecard (who knew?!)

4. i ws too sick to go our to celebrate so the highlight of my night was going and buying a vaporizer! with medicine inserts! i was waaaaay too excited about this.

5. i was also stoked to take one of my new tylenol with codeine that the new OB had written me an Rx for that was supposed to take away some pain and thusly helping me sleep. (it didn't work. on either front.)

so here i am, in a new decade. hoping, praying, i will feel better before we leave on our "surprise trip" tomorrow... that is, after seeing the geneticist. fingers crossed! the OB yesterday also reiterated how unlikely it is that anything is wrong, but i know we still need to go.

oh, and i found out that i have a "mandatory" meeting for work in CT on 3/3 (yes, a saturday, wtf?). i'm unclear on when i have to stop flying, soi i need to check that out today. but if i can go, like 3 of my close friends in CT are going to have a teeny CT baby shower for me. isn't that the coolest? apparently my best friend has been thinking about getting me out there for a visit anyway, and this jsut kind of fell into place, now convenient!

so, happy birthday to me!

i did it!!!

i'll be damned. i got a response from my mother. first, my email to her (in response to the final one my SIL received, posted earlier).

I asked (SIL) to send me the email in which you said you would not come to our baby shower.

So, that's how you see it?

That's very interesting. I guess the cards I've sent you over the past year (not getting any in return), the emails, the gifts I have sent for the grandparents-to-be, the ultrasound photos, and the fact that I asked for you be invited to the shower means I have cut you off.

The last email I sent to you (to which you never responded) contained this bit at the end:

Certainly I want you to be a part of my life and the life of Alex and your (future) grandchildren, but I cannot have things continue to happen like the Vegas trip. I just can't. And I don't want to.

I guess that also means (to you) that I am cutting you off. In case it wasn't clear, my meaning was that I want you in my life, but not in the way you were in Vegas. If you have a problem with something I've done, tell me. I don't want to play the games anymore.

I know it's hard for you to see that you are wrong ever (as it is for most people, including myself). And I can respect that. No one is perfect. I feel that I have given you several opportunities to be part of your grandchild's life. It is quite apparent to me by your actions that you are not interested. Bear in mind, sending things to my husband doesn't count. This is OUR child, not just his.

Know that the decision to be "cut off" is one that you, and you alone, are making. Do not try to place the blame on me or Alex.

You are my mother, and I do love you.

And then, this morning in my inbox:

"The way you were in Vegas" - I could say that to you also - however, Vegas was the culmination of many issues and I am not yet ready to address them with you.

Oh my. Still more than I expected to get.

you're kidding, right?

so, i haven't been sleeping well. part of it i'm not sure why, part is my hip pain, part is my pelvis pain, part is that i sweat all night now (that's pleasant) and part i'm sure, is just plain ol' stress.

friday night i went to sleep around 11:30pm. i woke up on the hour starting at midnight until i gave up at 3am. what's on at 3am? mattress and sleep aid infomercials, of course. figures.

saturday was a busy day. we got up early to head to another baby superstore to see if they had some things that our local one did not. and did they EVER. my word. and a lot of it was on sale! we actually -- are you sitting -- found a chair that was comfortable and affordable AND the right color. now, the chair has been an issue, to say the least. my MIL decided she wanted to buy it for us. so we called her to let her know we had found it and that it was on sale and should we just buy it and we'd work it out later? she was on her way to our side of town (this is somewhat on the way) as we were all getting together anyway so she said they'd come to the store.

while waiting, we got to see the bedding we registered for in person (LOVE IT!) and saw some other things that i wanted to change on the registry so we got on the list for a scanner (i guess a lot of people were registering that day).

well, we got the scanner and the in-laws arrived at the same time. we were also supposed to meet other family members in 40 minutes so he went off with his parents and went to scanning, quickly.

oh did i mention i was also having one of my i-don't-know-what-the-heck-they-are-but-for-lack-of-a-better-theory-i'll-call-them-panic attacks before they got there? oh yes, that was fun too.

so we finished up and got in our respective cars and headed off to the restaurant for my birthday lunch. alex tells me in the car that his mother also bought us the ottoman, much to our insistence that it was entirely too much, and if we wanted it, we'd buy it. she's very sweet.

we got the restaurant and met his brother and wife and my SIL that i mention a lot. it was a nice lunch. we all talked about his other brother, the one with MS. he currently lives in KY and had decided it's time to move up here where there are people that can help him. we all have a part in making this happen. it's kind of fun being in a big family, i like it! :)

after all of that we did our sunday grocery shopping since by this point we had made no progress on the stairs, to prep them for the guy starting today.

saturday night sleeping for me was way worse. i didn't sleep at all and was now also sick. i had a raging sore throat and cough. i was supposed to meet with my other SIL for some work on my pelvis (what she does) but since i was so tired and sick i called to cancel. we started working on the stairs and i was so frustrated and tired i totally had a little meltdown. alex put me in front of a bowl of soup (it was 2pm and i hadn't eaten anything) and made me lay down. i ended up taking a nap. i felt much better after i slept for a few hours and even better when i realized my awesome husband had done most of the work that needed to get done for today.

fast forward to today. i feel a little better (getting 3.5 hours of consecutive sleep rocks!) and then the stair guy called...

his van got broken into last night. OF COURSE IT DID. he has to deal with that and asked to start on thursday. except we'll be out of town, so we have to postpone it until next week...RAR!

can i catch a break sometime?

and, also, i emailed my mother. haven't heard, and don't expect to, but i did it.

the good.... and the rest

in the good category, we hired the stair guy!

wooo! it means we have a bunch of prep work to do this weekend. he is coming by on friday to drop off the risers (and pick up his check) so we can paint them before he installs them (that was my request). he starts next week! i'm so thrilled! of course we both work at home and i'm assuming it will be, well, noisy, so i haven't worked all that out in my head yet... but YAY for the stair guy!

then, the other stuff...

i got a call yesterday. from my ob HERSELF. not a nurse. that in and of itself causes panic, of course. she tells me that there was something on the ultrasound from friday. she went on to explain it and tell me that it's "probably nothing" but it could potentially be a few things that i'm not too thrilled about, of course. she did tell me that the screening we did was all fine and showed no risk factors and all that, so that leads her to believe there's nothing to worry about. of course she did suggest we make an appointment with the geneticist to "go over our options."

the appointment is next friday. i've, of course, consulted with dr. g00gle who has reassured me the risks are less than 3%. and honestly? in my gut i totally believe everything it perfectly fine. even my doctor said not to worry, they just have to tell us. which i get.

so, it's certainly not something i was thrilled to hear, but i'm certain everything is ok. i'm guessing our biggest decision is whether or not to have an amnio. we'll see what mr. geneticist has to tell us next week.

seriously?

first, i'll post about the big ultrasound when we have the pictures uploaded. it was very cool. and now i am definitely feeling monkey move which is SO unbelievably cool. alex even got to feel some on friday. monkey was very active all day friday, probably from being poked and prodded so much!

in other news, a few friends and my SIL are starting to plan a baby shower for me. i have to say, i'm beyond touched. i never expect anyone to do anything for me, so whenever something like this comes about i'm always so surprised. they are wonderful, beautiful people and i love them.

now, one of my friends asked about a guest list. truly, i don't have that many friends locally and told her as much. i included a few people back east, my closest friends, who i know won't be able to come, but, well, you know. in case.

my SIL asked if we should invite my mother. i told her we, that it was the right thing. i figured, one more out. give her one more chance to just let it all go and try to make amends. for her grandchild, even if she could care less about me. i even had a dream about it the other night, that she came and that we hugged and everything was ok. not perfect, but ok.

well my SIL wrote a very nice email to my mom this morning. they have always gotten along well in the past, so she wanted to be the one to make contact. it was light, it cheery. it was basically small talk about her girls and whatnot and that some people we having a shower for us and that she knew we'd want her to be there. they didn't have a date, but wanted to give her an idea so she could look into flights, etc, etc.

this was a good out for my mom. especially since it came from my SIL, i really didn't think my mom would drag her into the mess, although i figured it was certainly possible.

my SIL emailed me just now saying that she tried her best but my mom wasn't going to come. i asked her to please forward her response to me because i needed to SEE what she said. even though i knew my SIL was trying to protect me.

i have to share the exchange here, mostly because i'm pretty impressed my my SILs attempts to patch things over

my mom's first response

Great to hear from you! I am glad that you and the girls are doing well.

I am a bit confused however. Chris has not spoken to me in over a year. I know you mean well in mentioning the shower to me, but I know that I would not be welcome there. Let me know your address and the date and I will send a gift.

Thanks

SIL's reply

I know that you would be most welcome. There was no hesitation about your being invited on Chris' part.

I know it's none of my business, but Chris so badly wants you there, yet she's so afraid that you won't come. My mom and I had a lot of hard times in my life, but I feel very strongly that when a woman has a baby, especially her first - she needs her mom more than ever. I don't know all that has transpired, and I don't want to, but babies are an amazing opportunity for reunions. I know that having my girls has forever transformed my relationship with my mother in a way that no other life event could, and we had some very difficult years between us.

I hope that you will consider coming - you would truly be welcomed and honored by us if you did.

I will let you know the date as soon as we set it - I really do hope you can make it.

my mom's final answer

While I appreciate your efforts, there is nothing to be done. Chris has cut me off and I have finally come to accept that.

I guess that's that.

I read this later in the day, quite apt I think:
Sometimes, in difficult situations where you alone can't control the outcome, it helps to remember your best is all you can give.

progress?

well, we got the estimate. i think it's completely reasonable and also doable. a lot of the work will be left to us (er, alex) but i'm honestly ok with that. funny how expectations change. 19 weeks ago my stance was that all the flooring upstairs HAD to be done as well as ALL the painting and the office had to be reconfigured so we could work in it (finally) and the nursery must be set up, all by sometime mid-may the latest.

now? i'd settle for stairs that are done and at least the flooring on the right side (everything but our bedroom). and the nursery at least painted. all the rest would be a bonus at this point. *sigh*

when alex told me the amount of the estimate (1800 and some change) i thought it was a no-brainer! yes! call him now, can he start this afternoon? for some reason he doesn't share my joy. i mean, is this money i'd rather not spend? certainly. but even to get the new tool that he's need to attempt it, it was like $600 on it's own. i can't see how this isn't a win! especially since his biggest concern apparently was the whole contractor-running-off-with-your-money thing, and the guy wants LESS than HALF upfront, the rest on completion. there's even a clause in there that when he tears out the stairs that alex ruined that if he causes further damage when removing them it is his responsibility to repair it, at his cost. i mean, come on!

poor guy has been on one conference call after another all morning. if he ever gets off the phone we'll talk more about it.

speaking of, i have plenty i should be doing myself right now.

20 week ultrasound tomorrow. i was telling monkey this morning to feel free to let s have a little show, if you know what i'm sayin'....

ah, the stair saga

so the stair guy came. apparently he used to live on our street, in our house model even. i thought this would be a good sign. what i didn't expect was that he likely lived here WITH HIS PARENTS. i swear the dude is like 23, maybe. he was, however, very professional and knowledgeable and spouted lots of information about codes and such.

short story, to gut and redo all the stairs would be VERY expensive, VERY time consuming, and pretty much more than he could handle. but likely more than we can handle, cost-wise, right now. the upside of this is that he had lots of ideas of work arounds that would be within code. he's supposed to get back to us "soon" with the estimate.

alex and i talked about it for a loooong time last night. his fears are that it will still be too expensive (possibly, but i doubt it, of our available options...); that it will "look weird" (yes, i agree it's ideal to redo the stairs but let's face it, it's not really an option); and his fear of contractors (all the hororr stories of them taking your money and running (that's fair).

so after talking i got him to agree not to make any decisions (yes, he still thinks he can somehow rebuild them all himself) until we got the estimate. the work we're asking for still has us doing a fair amount of it and still doing all the flooring ourselves (much to my dismay he would not ask about the guy doing the floor).

the guy called today to ask 2 more questions. i'm hoping that means that we'll have some numbers soon.

i think doing the "we have THIS MANY" weeks left and this is how long i THINK it will take to do all the other rooms (high estimate) and how much time that didn't really leave for the stairs helped.

let's all still keep our fingers crossed....

he's gone!

two weeks it a bit too long for any house guest in my mind. so i wasn't sad to have my brother leave this morning. i know that sounds bad, but it was time. having a teenager around was really interesting. and trying. and expensive! but ah well, it's all over.

he will be handing my mother that picture as well as printout of our 8 and 13wk ultrasounds. i don't expect to hear from her, but you never can tell. we have the "big" one on friday. still no dice on alex wanting to know the sex, but that's ok. it's important to him. and as much as i'd like to know, it's not a HUGE deal to me, so we're going his route this time. it's all good.

the stair guy comes tomorrow. PLEASE let it go smoothly, please!!

ugh

i feel like a slug. i have nothing exciting to say. no new news, nothing going on. alex and my brother left for ohio this morning. i'm glad to have a break from my brother but sad to be home alone as well. also? i still have some baggage from the years-ago break-in ordeal that still makes me skittish to be home alone. ah well.

the stairs project has begun. we had decided to redo the upstairs in bamboo as well. the carpets are just nasty up there and something needed to be done. before monkey arrives. preferably way before as we still need to paint, set up the office and the nursery and the guest room. i figure our room is pretty much going to stay status quo for awhile now. and that's ok. but hello? we'll need a baby room at the very least.

according to some calendar email thing i get, if he's on time we have 150 days left. less than 22 weeks. which translates to 22 weekend of course. he's gone this weekend and we'll (apparently) be gone the weekend after my birthday on some sort of trip... so make that 20 weeks. TWENTY WEEKS. that's assuming he's on time and not early. i know that each baby is different and blah blah, but i was almsot 3 months early. i'm JUST SAYING we're on a schedule here!

so... anyhow. because the floor is going to be wood, it means the stairs need to be wood to. ok, fine. and the stairs need to be done first so everything meets up correctly.

so the rug is torn up. and then we hit the wall. basically, we can't redo the stairs. long story short, they weren't made to be taken apart. and we've done enough (and bought the wood) that there's no turning back now. so a carpentry guy is coming out tuesday. i plan on asking him how much extra it could be to just do all the flooring, you know, while he's here.

i know alex feels terrible about the situation. and i also know he doesn't want to spend the money. i'd rather not too, but i feel like we're stuck. and it needs to be done. i honestly have NO IDEA what to expect cost-wise from this guy. i pray it's "reasonable" and t just gets done. it needs to just get done.

in other news, i have a new pain that's started this week. it didn't seem like it a was a "big deal" and i kinda thought it was a "growing pain" that would go away. well it progressively got worse and started effecting my sleep. until last night i didn't sleep and couldn't even really change positions because every time i moved my legs it hurt. A LOT. finally broke down and called the OB this morning.

oh, it's "early for me" to be going through this, but it's also "completely normal" and there's nothing i can do about it and it will likely continue until the end. FABULOUS. i'm glad nothing is wrong but i wasn't to thrilled with the rest of the news.

this all just makes me thing that monkey is going to be ahead of schedule.

so, please let tings go smoothly tuesday!

oh, and here's a picture i'll be sending my mother. she sent me this top. this was one of the mystery tops that arrived with my brother. she was kind enough to leave the tag on it so i knew it was a $95 top. thanks. also, notice the lovely pink counters in our kitchen? i know you're jealous. also i hate the cabinents. man why did we take this picture in the kitchen? cripes.

i use too many paper towels

i really need to cut down. honestly. but reusable things like washcloths int eh kitchen skeeve me out. i also love me some clorox wipes.

in other news, my mother calls alex this morning barely after 8 as we had JUST gotten our lazy selves downstairs. why you may ask? to ask him what size maternity clothes i wear since one of her clients (she's like a freelance accountant) probably can only pay her in maternity clothes.

is that not the weirdest thing you've ever heard, like ever?

also, am i crazy for considering cloth diapering? in addition to making my own baby food?

much post about nothing

i'm tired and need a break from work so here i am. nothing much to say, just some random thoughts.

i can't decide now i feel about my mother. parts of me just wants to slap her upside the head about her stubbornness and have things be back to "normal" but then i think about those days and you know what? yeah, no thanks. not really interested. but i have a feeling things are going to come to a head in say, about 5 or 6 months.

i've also been wondering about some other things lately. there's a certain person in alex's family who, when it comes to get-togethers we always end up having "issues" regarding food and i really am trying to figure out why this is.

now, everyone knows about my food restrictions. not that hard, no sugar. can it be complicated? sure, but not really. i never ask anyone to accommodate me. often i'll offer to bring something or just make sure i have things with me i can eat ifi know it might be an issue. she often makes me feel like this is a lifestyle choice i'm making, not a medical necessity. no, i don't have diabetes. no, i will not DIE if i eat sugar, i'll just be really really really sick. and, um, no thanks.

again, i don't' ask people to accommodate me, but isn't some of it common courtesy? if someone was coming to my house and food was involved, i would make sure of likes/dislikes/allergies/any restriction first. and this is family! like, would it hurt you to pick up diet soda once in a while? of course this is all coming to a head with christmas around the corner. oh... the other part of it? she absolutely refuses to eat anything sugar-free.

now, that can be complex, i know. many people prefer sugar over sugar-substitutes. i get that, totally. i won't argue that point. it's a choice and that's fine. completely. but if i bring something to family gathering that is sugar-free (i always do, especially since alex's dad is diabetic) she'll treat it as if it's poison. won't go near it with a ten foot pole. i really don't understand it.

but then i got to thinking. i never bring things that are made with sugar, just as she never brings things that are sugar-free. so does that make me just as bad? i never thought of it that way before.

i dunno... but like i said, i'm tired. i shouldn't be attempting to write. maybe i'll take a little nap instead..,. i bet no one will notice :)

a star!

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

too busy...

to write about all the stuff going on. and i'm also shamefully behind on my bloglines. shame shame on me.

i only have one question. WHY did my mother mail a teddy bear shw bought in england to my husband only?

she's finally succeeded in hurting me. way to go mom.

woah...

i haven't posted much lately. i've been feeling pretty sick and lethargic. and i didn't really want to say how i'd been feeling - that i don't love pregnancy. i feel AWFUL saying that. i mean nothing too awful has happened (well, save for losing one of the babies and all) but i just feel sick. and tired. and achy. and like a lump lately.

fun, huh? well now you know why i haven't been sharing!

but THEN.... oh then....

we went for our monthly OB appt. i'm 13w1d today. i guess it was listen-to-heartbeat day but she was unable to find it. so i got to have (another) ultrasound. oh. my. god. i KNEW that monkey was fully formed by now, basically. but that did not prepare us for the site of a tiny little baby. with a clear spine! and little hands flailing around. it was totally unreal. like we're at a whole new level of reality now. i guess up until now it's been really surreal still, but there was NO denying that ultrasound today. holy crap.

we're both a little shell shocked right now i think!

i don't like to travel

all that much. on my own that is.

i am in the east coast now, having gone into the office for my review. mmm, fun. i've never had a review so i'm pretty freaking nervous. also? um, work clothes. for six months i haven't had to go into an office. luckily, my work clothes from last fall, which had all been way too big now fit since i'm expanding again. can i just take a moment to say i don't really like this phase. you know, where i just look like i have mega muffin top or something. well that's not exactly right but i feel bloated and big and like nothing fits. ah well, i digress.

anyway, so i had to leave at 3 for the airport yesterday. i have JUST gotten over my cold from hell so i wasn't looking forward to flying. on a full plane at that. the flight was actually ok. i got to pick up my car (why do they keep giving me wagons?) and head to the hotel. i was supposed to see my best friend last night, but turns out she had to work really late. which i was sad about, but that was understandable.

i got to the hotel and checked in to see my room with 2 beds (what's the fun of staying in a hotel if you don't' get the big ol' bed all to yourself?) that didn't smell... quite... right...

i actually unpacked all my clothes and put everything away (which i never do) and settled in about 9:30 for some law and order. not to shabby. only... my tv kept shutting itself off. when i'd turn it back on only one line would show up down the center. i played with it for awhile to no avail and finally resorted to calling the front desk. only they were full, so sad but there wasn't anything they could do for me that night. sigh. but i could switch rooms in the morning. which meant packing up everything. figures. also? the tv would turn back on by itself and be perfectly fine then shut off again. and again. and again.

also when i called the front desk they thought i was only staying one night. um, no, three, actually. when i checked in they knew that and i also signed up for a wake up call. i had set a back up as well.

this morning? good thing alex had a meeting and work up early and called me. he's the only one who did. and turns out the "back-up" alarm didn't go off either. guess i screwed that up as well!

so i go downstairs to talk about the room switch. only they had no record of my calling. and they'd "look into it" and there was no reason to truck everything that i had already repacked, out of my room.

i'm not looking forward to going back there tonight. it will be better, right? right?

cuz that last post sucked

let's talk about something happy!

when we went to the pumkin patch weeks and weeks ago, we picked out our pumpkins. as we were walking back to the little tractor ride thingy i stumbled across a little pumkpin that was so cute, and also green. and we know how i love green. alex asked if i wanted the pumpkin and i said no, as i already had mine. then he leaned over and whispered (since it was still a secret)... "you know, monkey needs a pumpkin too..."

yes he does indeed!

towel officially thrown in

so it's common knowledge that my mom and i have issues. we've never had that close relationship i've often wised we've had. high school was a nightmare of screaming most of the time. college came and she actually had a party when i moved on campus 3 hours away.

after that things got better, distance helped. then things got rocky again with the 5 year horrible relationship i had. but even then she was there for me when i needed her, i was very lucky. when i finally decided i needed to escape and leave the state of ct, i quit my job and moved back home with them for 6 mos. i worked several menial jobs to try to keep myself busy and also keep paying my bills while i figured it all out. living in close quarters again was trying. especially since i had been through some really unspeakable things that she preferred to never know about. ok, fine, no big deal. i wasn't in the shape to talk anyway. and also? we never had that relationship with each other.

then i got a job offer from my old employer in ann arbor (ironically i had originally come out to michigan the first time for the disaster of a relationship, but no need to go into that now). i had some mixed feelings about coming back out here since some pretty awful things had happened out here too. but i needed the escape, the distance, the chance to start over.

so i came. alone. all i could pack into my car and lived in a hotel for a few months with basically nothing. my mother, the real estate investor, bought a small condo for me to live in (another story for another time) and soon after i moved in i met alex, purely by chance.

i had no way to know that he was going to end up being my husband. at that time i could scarcely fathom it.

but that's the way we headed and my mom loved him, of course. who doesn't?

as the wedding approached we seemed to be getting along quite well, my mom and i. my dad always just kind of goes with the flow. my mom definitely runs the show.

after the wedding she told me she had had a bad time, for reasons that aren't even worth getting into. it hurt me, a lot. comments she made to my friends and others found their way back to me and i was pretty devastated. more that she would act the way she did.

christmas last year was rough. too much to go into but we went to meet them in vegas at their request and it was a complete disaster. my parents haven't spoken to me since. (i know i'm not going into detail but i did nothing wrong here and i STILL have no idea why she was so angry).

a few months after she left me a voicemail asking why i was mad at her. i took the opportunity to write out all my feelings regarding the wedding, vegas and everything since. i was very careful not to place blame, acknowledge any part in i had and ask that we talk things out that i was tired of this sort of pattern in our relationship. no, this wasn't the first time she had gone long stretched without speaking to me.

i never got a response to that letter. which was pretty sad. but i was okay leaving things the way they were.

enter monkey. i had to figure out how i wanted to share the news with my parents. we decided to buy them gifts and mail them out to them. as we were at the ups store alex said to me "you know she's going to call you and you have to just pretend like nothing had happened" and i knew he was right. and i was ok with that.

he package was scheduled to arrive on a friday. in the meantime she had emailed alex about some other items (oh yeah, she still emails him, calls him on his birthday... while i didn't even rate an email or ecard. yes, i sent them birthday cards, mother's/father's day things, etc...) and in his response he mentioned to her that we had set them gifts and that they should open them together. her response was very negative about me how "no way i could have sent her a gift."

ok, fine.

so friday came. and saturday. and sunday. nothing. no call, email, nada. my little brother, who lives with them didn't know the news. we shared it with his sunday. he was excited and intrigued that they had not said anything to him about the package. finally he asked them what was in the package that had arrived on friday. my mother's response? "i put it in the closet. i have no intention of even opening anything from 'her.'"

seriously.

now my problem with this wasn't the absurdity. i mean, that's her choice. my problem was that they still didn't KNOW. and if they knew and close to ignore it that was one thing. you know?

so i debated what to do. i really didn't want to call her, i'll be honest. but i opted to call my dad at work. i got his voicemail and left him a message asking him to call me. generally my dad keeps neutral in whatever is going on and i can usually talk to him. he never called me back.

that was new, and it hurt.

finally after we got the second ultrasound picture, i emailed it both of them with a subject line of "your grandchild" in case they didn't read it, and a short note. signed it from both of us and waited. that was 3 days ago.

today, alex (why not me?) gets an email from my mother that says "gordon and i are happy for you."

that was it. we both think that is the last we'll hear from them.

all i wanted was for them to know and make their choice. and they've made it.

i'm done trying.