but see, it will inspire me to post more. i can put a picture up! you can all see me everyday, i can pretend i have an office, yes, yes that's it.
here's one of my little helpers. he freaked when he saw himself on screen. ha!
love it!
7.12.2006
fun with my new laptop
awww yeah. i have an application on my new laptop called photobooth. it's the funnest ever. (yes, i know i need to get out more.)
but see, it will inspire me to post more. i can put a picture up! you can all see me everyday, i can pretend i have an office, yes, yes that's it.
here's one of my little helpers. he freaked when he saw himself on screen. ha!
love it!
but see, it will inspire me to post more. i can put a picture up! you can all see me everyday, i can pretend i have an office, yes, yes that's it.
here's one of my little helpers. he freaked when he saw himself on screen. ha!
love it!
7.05.2006
posting
why is it when the most exciting stuff if going on you have no time to write about it?
so i've started my new job. i was in ct for 4 days. it was a little overwhelming, especially since they gave me a project the first day to start on!
the good stuff was that i got to see melissa a bunch and also my friend holly who i have not seen in like 5 or 6 years. i also got to meet her brand new 6 week old twins! i can't believe that holly has 2 babies! so surreal. i love her though and i missed her so much. it was like no time had passed since seeing each other at all we just talked abnd talked and talked. i love friends like that and it seems that i'm so far away from them all :(
we ended up spending the night hanging out with melissa after and eating good-for-you pizza and drinking wine and it was so much fun. as they talked about getting together more often (since they live less than 10 mins apart) i begged them to just conference me in so i could pretend i was there. i really do miss my friends so much.
i came back thursday night and then worked from home the first day on friday. it was good. a little stressful since i had so much to do, i was trying to get this one project mostly done that day since i had JURY DUTY the following week. i had hoped i would not be on a case, esp since it was my second day of work but, knowing my luck, i knew i could not count on that.
and guess what? i was right. i should have known it wasn't a good sign when my juror number was 645 and when i called that weekend they were calling jurors number 1 through..... 645. of course.
so i reported for jury duty monday morning. it was my first time. before they called anyone they gave us all this survey that some grad student had put together and it was really very interesting. it bascially asked you how often you watched all these certain law shows and then asked a bunch of questions about the law and stuff. i leaned that one 1.) i watch WAY too many law-themed shows and 2.) it REALLY colors what i think about the law. really. i thought i was pretty intelligent, but i could totally see the point of the survey. scary.
anyway... so they tell us then that they are picking 3 panels that day. if you don't get picked, you're done and you're free to go. they pick 28 per panel. i was picked for the first panel.
so we all go down to the courtroom and the judge and the prosecutor and the defense were there. along with the guy on trial. that seemed weird to me. at any rate, they pick 14 of us (of which i am not one) and begin with their questions. one chick got dismissed right away due to the schedule. and i was called to replace her.
ah, fitting that i will have to finish this later, given how i started it :) work calls and since i've been off for, oh, 7 days (not counting weekends!) i had better get to it!
so i've started my new job. i was in ct for 4 days. it was a little overwhelming, especially since they gave me a project the first day to start on!
the good stuff was that i got to see melissa a bunch and also my friend holly who i have not seen in like 5 or 6 years. i also got to meet her brand new 6 week old twins! i can't believe that holly has 2 babies! so surreal. i love her though and i missed her so much. it was like no time had passed since seeing each other at all we just talked abnd talked and talked. i love friends like that and it seems that i'm so far away from them all :(
we ended up spending the night hanging out with melissa after and eating good-for-you pizza and drinking wine and it was so much fun. as they talked about getting together more often (since they live less than 10 mins apart) i begged them to just conference me in so i could pretend i was there. i really do miss my friends so much.
i came back thursday night and then worked from home the first day on friday. it was good. a little stressful since i had so much to do, i was trying to get this one project mostly done that day since i had JURY DUTY the following week. i had hoped i would not be on a case, esp since it was my second day of work but, knowing my luck, i knew i could not count on that.
and guess what? i was right. i should have known it wasn't a good sign when my juror number was 645 and when i called that weekend they were calling jurors number 1 through..... 645. of course.
so i reported for jury duty monday morning. it was my first time. before they called anyone they gave us all this survey that some grad student had put together and it was really very interesting. it bascially asked you how often you watched all these certain law shows and then asked a bunch of questions about the law and stuff. i leaned that one 1.) i watch WAY too many law-themed shows and 2.) it REALLY colors what i think about the law. really. i thought i was pretty intelligent, but i could totally see the point of the survey. scary.
anyway... so they tell us then that they are picking 3 panels that day. if you don't get picked, you're done and you're free to go. they pick 28 per panel. i was picked for the first panel.
so we all go down to the courtroom and the judge and the prosecutor and the defense were there. along with the guy on trial. that seemed weird to me. at any rate, they pick 14 of us (of which i am not one) and begin with their questions. one chick got dismissed right away due to the schedule. and i was called to replace her.
ah, fitting that i will have to finish this later, given how i started it :) work calls and since i've been off for, oh, 7 days (not counting weekends!) i had better get to it!
6.14.2006
in which i start to freak out
tomorrow is my last day here at my current job. as i was sitting in the parking lot that is 94 i was thinking, wow you're not all wound up about the traffic this morning. why is that? oh right. tomorrow is the last morning you'll have to do this. wait... TOMORROW IS THE LAST MORNING YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THIS! yikes!
so i took a new job. and i start monday. what does this mean? well is means i have to finish getting the office in shape this weekend. it means that i will travel to CT next week. it means I WILL NO LONGER WORK IN AN OFFICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
ok this is all really surreal. i mean, it's good. it's a big raise (but not all that thrilling really since i was severely underpaid for my skills here ), it's a slightly new area of design for me so it will bescary as hell challenging. but as i said, i already did a small project for them and i really liked it and really got into it and as a result of that work i got the offer i wanted (even a little more). so that means i'll be good, right? i am so freaking out.
and i'm a planner people. i like plans. i like knowing what's happening next. i think that my life was in limbo for so many years that the order and planning just makes me happy. make no mistake, at first the order and calm kinda freaked me out but now i love it. every afternoon around 3 alex and start talking over IM for what The Plan is for the night. Everyday we do this. My point is that my new company is, shall we say, sparse in the communication area. For example, when I got the offer, I asked for a few days to go over it all. The guy who sent it to me was going to be on vacation the week my response was due. I asked him who I should send it to. He told me himself, the company president and the HR contact. So that's what I did. The only response I received at all was from the HR lady with some information for me and questions so they could book my travel.
now... you'd think the guy that was on vacation might have contacted me when he got back. maybe a little "hey, glad you're joining us" or whatever. something. some acknowledgment. and, um, travel? huh? what are you talking about? travel where? (see this is why i feel a little out of the loop.)
after i sent my acceptance letter i contacted the woman who i will be working with and with whom i worked on that project with. i let her know i had accepted and she was really excited. even told me i made her day. which, in truth, did make me feel better. this was about 30 second after i hit "send" on the acceptance and as i'm talking to her, she says she's gotten another IM saying that i was starting the 19th. now see, here's another point! we had not discussed a start date. in my acceptance, i asked if the 19th was ok with them. NO ONE REPLIED TO IT. and here they're telling my new coworker that's my start date. it's weird, right?
so my coworker tells me they will fly in my whole team so we can meet each other. that's the travel they are talking about. well that's cool, right? so that's why i'll be in CT next monday through thursday. but since then? no word. none. what is The Plan? what will i be doing there? i mean they expect me to work i suppose, but what will i need to bring with me? who will i report to while there? i mean, i need details! also, what do i wear?!?!? i have to pack for 4 days at a new office, two of those days will be partially spent on a plane. how do you plan for that? think of the shoe issues alone! gah!
so yeah, i'm in meltdown mode. and then once i get back? i'll be working at home with NO HUMAN CONTACT. have i mentioned that??
oh! oh! OH. i forgot the best part ever. health insurance. we are both on the health insurance of my current employer. that ends tomorrow. my new insurance would start july 1. no big deal. only, my current employer has not gotten me any numbers on how much it would cost to keep it for the rest of the month. and my new options? i have the options of a PPO or an HSA. pretty decent options... if you're not me. the PPO looks decent (not sure how many/which doctors i might have to change) but the more i read... there is a $250 copay for MRIs. WTF? i don't pay a dime now on my HMO. $250 EACH? people, do you know many MRIs i have in the course of a year? this is not good.
you might think, as i did, well just go on alex's insurance. no biggie. he went off it since it wasn't free and mine was. but mine is no longer free. so why not? well one reason is that if we're not on his insurance they give us $300/mo in flexible medical spending money. pretty nice! you then might think, as i did, well use that for the MRI copay! perfect! oh wait. not perfect. his company is getting bought out by the end of the month. we have no idea what the new company will offer at all. oh, and there's more, the company he's been contracted to fo the last 5 years will probably hire him on (that would be ideal) so he can skip the other transition altogether. but that won't happen until july or august.
i will not even mention the hell that is the magazine right now. nor the fact that i realized they have been underpaying me all year. or that the schedule is all screwed up. or that i need to probably do the next one and that our next estiamted tax payment is due tomorrow and i almost forgot and that alex's brother wants me to do freelance for his company and that there's some family drama there and that the freidn thing is still going on and that my friend who is dating that friend is moving here next week and that, no, i have still heard nothing from my mother. oh and we're refinancing the house, and no, the tile is not done yet and yes, my husband did rip up the rug in another room (upstairs) when the downstairs is not done and did i mention i will be WORKING FROM HOME COMPLETELY AFTER TOMORROW?
so, in short, there is much going on.
so i took a new job. and i start monday. what does this mean? well is means i have to finish getting the office in shape this weekend. it means that i will travel to CT next week. it means I WILL NO LONGER WORK IN AN OFFICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
ok this is all really surreal. i mean, it's good. it's a big raise (but not all that thrilling really since i was severely underpaid for my skills here ), it's a slightly new area of design for me so it will be
and i'm a planner people. i like plans. i like knowing what's happening next. i think that my life was in limbo for so many years that the order and planning just makes me happy. make no mistake, at first the order and calm kinda freaked me out but now i love it. every afternoon around 3 alex and start talking over IM for what The Plan is for the night. Everyday we do this. My point is that my new company is, shall we say, sparse in the communication area. For example, when I got the offer, I asked for a few days to go over it all. The guy who sent it to me was going to be on vacation the week my response was due. I asked him who I should send it to. He told me himself, the company president and the HR contact. So that's what I did. The only response I received at all was from the HR lady with some information for me and questions so they could book my travel.
now... you'd think the guy that was on vacation might have contacted me when he got back. maybe a little "hey, glad you're joining us" or whatever. something. some acknowledgment. and, um, travel? huh? what are you talking about? travel where? (see this is why i feel a little out of the loop.)
after i sent my acceptance letter i contacted the woman who i will be working with and with whom i worked on that project with. i let her know i had accepted and she was really excited. even told me i made her day. which, in truth, did make me feel better. this was about 30 second after i hit "send" on the acceptance and as i'm talking to her, she says she's gotten another IM saying that i was starting the 19th. now see, here's another point! we had not discussed a start date. in my acceptance, i asked if the 19th was ok with them. NO ONE REPLIED TO IT. and here they're telling my new coworker that's my start date. it's weird, right?
so my coworker tells me they will fly in my whole team so we can meet each other. that's the travel they are talking about. well that's cool, right? so that's why i'll be in CT next monday through thursday. but since then? no word. none. what is The Plan? what will i be doing there? i mean they expect me to work i suppose, but what will i need to bring with me? who will i report to while there? i mean, i need details! also, what do i wear?!?!? i have to pack for 4 days at a new office, two of those days will be partially spent on a plane. how do you plan for that? think of the shoe issues alone! gah!
so yeah, i'm in meltdown mode. and then once i get back? i'll be working at home with NO HUMAN CONTACT. have i mentioned that??
oh! oh! OH. i forgot the best part ever. health insurance. we are both on the health insurance of my current employer. that ends tomorrow. my new insurance would start july 1. no big deal. only, my current employer has not gotten me any numbers on how much it would cost to keep it for the rest of the month. and my new options? i have the options of a PPO or an HSA. pretty decent options... if you're not me. the PPO looks decent (not sure how many/which doctors i might have to change) but the more i read... there is a $250 copay for MRIs. WTF? i don't pay a dime now on my HMO. $250 EACH? people, do you know many MRIs i have in the course of a year? this is not good.
you might think, as i did, well just go on alex's insurance. no biggie. he went off it since it wasn't free and mine was. but mine is no longer free. so why not? well one reason is that if we're not on his insurance they give us $300/mo in flexible medical spending money. pretty nice! you then might think, as i did, well use that for the MRI copay! perfect! oh wait. not perfect. his company is getting bought out by the end of the month. we have no idea what the new company will offer at all. oh, and there's more, the company he's been contracted to fo the last 5 years will probably hire him on (that would be ideal) so he can skip the other transition altogether. but that won't happen until july or august.
i will not even mention the hell that is the magazine right now. nor the fact that i realized they have been underpaying me all year. or that the schedule is all screwed up. or that i need to probably do the next one and that our next estiamted tax payment is due tomorrow and i almost forgot and that alex's brother wants me to do freelance for his company and that there's some family drama there and that the freidn thing is still going on and that my friend who is dating that friend is moving here next week and that, no, i have still heard nothing from my mother. oh and we're refinancing the house, and no, the tile is not done yet and yes, my husband did rip up the rug in another room (upstairs) when the downstairs is not done and did i mention i will be WORKING FROM HOME COMPLETELY AFTER TOMORROW?
so, in short, there is much going on.
6.02.2006
your friends are your friends until they're not.
wow, so eloquent.
i've had a lot going on in my head lately in regard to friends i wanted to try to sort it all out because talking to people only helps so much. if they know the people it's hard to be honest, if they don't well then they'll side with you or try to be objective and if they don't know the people that gets to be pointless sometimes. and so i've been trying to work it all out myself and getting nowhere fast. then, upon reading another blog, i saw this line and thought, yes. that's it. it's as simple as that.
then i started this whole REALLY LONG post about all the devastation i've had in regard to friends in my life. and about halfway through i was getting way too sad and it was long and only meant something to me i guess.
the gist? throughout my life i've had some very close, very strong friendships that have suddenly ended. and i have no idea why.
i'm in the middle of it again. and it's really tearing me apart. although there is more understanding this time of how it went down, kind of, or at least some of the circumstances, i don't understand how it's come to what it's come to and just what (if anything) I am suposed to do now.
with my history, it's really got me wondering just what it is I keep missing...
i've had a lot going on in my head lately in regard to friends i wanted to try to sort it all out because talking to people only helps so much. if they know the people it's hard to be honest, if they don't well then they'll side with you or try to be objective and if they don't know the people that gets to be pointless sometimes. and so i've been trying to work it all out myself and getting nowhere fast. then, upon reading another blog, i saw this line and thought, yes. that's it. it's as simple as that.
then i started this whole REALLY LONG post about all the devastation i've had in regard to friends in my life. and about halfway through i was getting way too sad and it was long and only meant something to me i guess.
the gist? throughout my life i've had some very close, very strong friendships that have suddenly ended. and i have no idea why.
i'm in the middle of it again. and it's really tearing me apart. although there is more understanding this time of how it went down, kind of, or at least some of the circumstances, i don't understand how it's come to what it's come to and just what (if anything) I am suposed to do now.
with my history, it's really got me wondering just what it is I keep missing...
6.01.2006
when you don't have time to write something meaningful...
... entertain with photos!!
one from a group workout we went to and thoroughly enjoyed. and another from browsing the new local H&M at our mall and deciding it's too trendy for me (or that i am too old).
one from a group workout we went to and thoroughly enjoyed. and another from browsing the new local H&M at our mall and deciding it's too trendy for me (or that i am too old).
5.30.2006
somethig easy
when you jsut don't have enough time, or quite have all the infomration forthe ppost you really want to do, go with a meme! thanks irish girl!
I AM: a smartass, plain and simple
I SAID: i would never set foot in CT again, but i did.
I WANT: to be happy and to have those around me happy as well
I WISH: big decisions were easy to make
I HATE: stress.
I MISS: all my friends that are so far away
I FEAR: spiders
I HEAR: keyboards clicking away and a meeting going on in the conference room.
I WONDER: what will happen with my job situation
I REGRET: the things that have happened with my mom
I AM NOT: confident anough
I DANCE: when i am happy.
I SING: in the car. always.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: subtle, especially when it counts
I MADE: a lot of really great canges in my life over the last few years
I WRITE: not as well as i wish i did
I SHOULD: be working instead of doing this!
I START: a new phase i my life.... soon
I FINISH: when i start out to do. most of the time!
I BELIEVE: everything happens for a reason, i have to. i've been through some really nasty things.
I KNOW: how lucky I am.
I CAN: learn just about anythig if i set my mind to it
I CANT: stand bing in a state of limbo
I SEE: without glasses now!
I BLOG: not enough. i'm not that interesting!
I READ: blogs, US weekly, books when it peaks my interest.
I AM AROUSED BY: my husband
IT PISSES ME OFF: when peopel try to make themselves feel superior by cutting others down
I FIND: if you take time to think things over the solution usually presents itself
I LIKE: sunshine and warm weather!
I LOVE: alex and evey part of my new family here.
I AM: a smartass, plain and simple
I SAID: i would never set foot in CT again, but i did.
I WANT: to be happy and to have those around me happy as well
I WISH: big decisions were easy to make
I HATE: stress.
I MISS: all my friends that are so far away
I FEAR: spiders
I HEAR: keyboards clicking away and a meeting going on in the conference room.
I WONDER: what will happen with my job situation
I REGRET: the things that have happened with my mom
I AM NOT: confident anough
I DANCE: when i am happy.
I SING: in the car. always.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: subtle, especially when it counts
I MADE: a lot of really great canges in my life over the last few years
I WRITE: not as well as i wish i did
I SHOULD: be working instead of doing this!
I START: a new phase i my life.... soon
I FINISH: when i start out to do. most of the time!
I BELIEVE: everything happens for a reason, i have to. i've been through some really nasty things.
I KNOW: how lucky I am.
I CAN: learn just about anythig if i set my mind to it
I CANT: stand bing in a state of limbo
I SEE: without glasses now!
I BLOG: not enough. i'm not that interesting!
I READ: blogs, US weekly, books when it peaks my interest.
I AM AROUSED BY: my husband
IT PISSES ME OFF: when peopel try to make themselves feel superior by cutting others down
I FIND: if you take time to think things over the solution usually presents itself
I LIKE: sunshine and warm weather!
I LOVE: alex and evey part of my new family here.
5.23.2006
much as i expected
remind me to never take the last appointment of the day again. we had to wait almost an hour. i totally understand that it happens though, i wasn't mad. just hungry, but aren't i always :) things get dicey if i don't get my afternoon snack.
anyway, so i really love my neurologist he's awesome. very old school, for lack of a better way to describe it. i mean, there he is with his computer bringing everything up on the screen but then he'll sit back and look at us and just say "so how are you? tell me how things are and how you've been feeling" it's just... nice! you know?
anyway... so nothing really new. he said my exam was really good and that i looked great and healthy and all that. we talked about my episodes of panic attacks -- we think that's what they were anyway -- and he made note and seemed intrigued. we talked about holding off on my next leg surgery. which really bums me out but i recognize it's not worth it right now and if he tells me to wait i'll wait.
things i did not expect? well when he was doing my eye tests he seemed not happy with something he saw in my right eye. he checked it a few times then asked me where the neuritis had been worse. i couldn't remember. how sad is that? so he looked it up and confirmed it had been the right. once he confirmed that he didn't elaborate any further but there was something. he could have just seen the scarring, but still. that caught me a little off guard.
the other thing is that he told us last time that i'd basically see him every 6 months, doing MRIs at 6 month or 1 year intervals depending on if i had a recurrence of any symptoms or anything new. so he scheduled a new set for july... ok. but the thing that threw me is that he made a follow up appointment with me for august following the set. last time he did not do that. it was just "i'll call if there's anything but i don't expect anything so don't worry about it" kind of thing. the fact that he's already scheduled the follow up, on top of the eye thing, makes me think that he's expecting to need to discuss something. especially since he did mention treatment... if the MRI shows anything.
yeah, i'm a worrier, i know. and maybe it's nothing, but it's enough of a shift in how it has been that makes me kind of pause to think about it.
anyway, so i really love my neurologist he's awesome. very old school, for lack of a better way to describe it. i mean, there he is with his computer bringing everything up on the screen but then he'll sit back and look at us and just say "so how are you? tell me how things are and how you've been feeling" it's just... nice! you know?
anyway... so nothing really new. he said my exam was really good and that i looked great and healthy and all that. we talked about my episodes of panic attacks -- we think that's what they were anyway -- and he made note and seemed intrigued. we talked about holding off on my next leg surgery. which really bums me out but i recognize it's not worth it right now and if he tells me to wait i'll wait.
things i did not expect? well when he was doing my eye tests he seemed not happy with something he saw in my right eye. he checked it a few times then asked me where the neuritis had been worse. i couldn't remember. how sad is that? so he looked it up and confirmed it had been the right. once he confirmed that he didn't elaborate any further but there was something. he could have just seen the scarring, but still. that caught me a little off guard.
the other thing is that he told us last time that i'd basically see him every 6 months, doing MRIs at 6 month or 1 year intervals depending on if i had a recurrence of any symptoms or anything new. so he scheduled a new set for july... ok. but the thing that threw me is that he made a follow up appointment with me for august following the set. last time he did not do that. it was just "i'll call if there's anything but i don't expect anything so don't worry about it" kind of thing. the fact that he's already scheduled the follow up, on top of the eye thing, makes me think that he's expecting to need to discuss something. especially since he did mention treatment... if the MRI shows anything.
yeah, i'm a worrier, i know. and maybe it's nothing, but it's enough of a shift in how it has been that makes me kind of pause to think about it.
5.19.2006
this always seems to come in spurts
i wish i was better about updating more regularly, but it's not like there's all that much going on.
i feel like i'm in a state of limbo right now. the magazine -- the last one i'm contracted to do -- was supposed to have been done over a month ago... and it STILL hasn't started! this is really going to start cutting into my good weather time. i'd much rather be working on it say, while we've had 17 days of rain and it's 50 degrees. ah, figures. i'd really like to think that this will be my last one. that i can give up that particular gig... but the money is so good for what it is. sure, it takes up my life while i'm working on it, but it's only really 3 months out of the year. decisions, decisions.
speaking of decisions i haven't made any in regard to jobs. our office moved last week. the new space is nice, definitely better than what we had. almost as cool as the space we used to have downtown when i worked here back in 99. i've certainly been busy, with one of the designers leaving. but do i want to stay here? I don't know. i really do think i'd like the new gig but that's in a weird place right now. i finished that one side project they gave me. they've offered me to work on another one. which i'm not sure i'd be able to do, assuming the magazine will start anyminutenow. i'd rather they just meet my number and i could take it. but the longer it takes the more i wonder, is that what i want to do? it's really the working from home thing. i'm not sure i'd want to do that 100% of the time. plus, looks like alex is going to become 100% working from home soon too. both of us, working from home 100%? i can see the advantages but we could also drive each other batty. we already spend an inordinate amount of time together. i'm sure people think we're nuts. but it works for us, so maybe that WOULD be good. eh. who knows. i have to wait until all the cards are on the table and then decide.
hopefully soon.
in other news that i've been completely ignoring, monday is my next checkup with the neurologist. *sigh* it's so much easier ot just ignore all that crap. i don't feel any differently and i haven't had any new symptoms so i'm pretty sure he'll send me for a new MRI series and then say see you in 6 months. and that would be totally fine with me to be honest. man, i'm so glad that i didn't accept my last neurologist diagnosis at face value. but that brings me to a point of contention. now, my last neurologist diagnosed me with MS. wanted to start me on the medication, the daily shots right away. i made an appointment after timeframe she gave us to "think it over" which was the week of the wedding ironically. oh yeah, got that lovely news as we were about to go drop the invitations in the mail. anyway... i never kept that appointment because i met with and love my new neurologist. but my point is this... given the fact that she diagnosed me with a progressive disease that needs aggressive preventative treatment to keep it in check.... and then i never came back.... shouldn't they CALL ME? shouldn't they CHECK ON ME to see how i am doing?
this is the second time in my life i've felt this way about a doctor. both instances are quite disturbing in my mind. i mean, maybe there's some reason they are not allowed to or something, but come on!!!
ugh. so anyway, that's all that's new really. it needs to get sunny. soon.
i feel like i'm in a state of limbo right now. the magazine -- the last one i'm contracted to do -- was supposed to have been done over a month ago... and it STILL hasn't started! this is really going to start cutting into my good weather time. i'd much rather be working on it say, while we've had 17 days of rain and it's 50 degrees. ah, figures. i'd really like to think that this will be my last one. that i can give up that particular gig... but the money is so good for what it is. sure, it takes up my life while i'm working on it, but it's only really 3 months out of the year. decisions, decisions.
speaking of decisions i haven't made any in regard to jobs. our office moved last week. the new space is nice, definitely better than what we had. almost as cool as the space we used to have downtown when i worked here back in 99. i've certainly been busy, with one of the designers leaving. but do i want to stay here? I don't know. i really do think i'd like the new gig but that's in a weird place right now. i finished that one side project they gave me. they've offered me to work on another one. which i'm not sure i'd be able to do, assuming the magazine will start anyminutenow. i'd rather they just meet my number and i could take it. but the longer it takes the more i wonder, is that what i want to do? it's really the working from home thing. i'm not sure i'd want to do that 100% of the time. plus, looks like alex is going to become 100% working from home soon too. both of us, working from home 100%? i can see the advantages but we could also drive each other batty. we already spend an inordinate amount of time together. i'm sure people think we're nuts. but it works for us, so maybe that WOULD be good. eh. who knows. i have to wait until all the cards are on the table and then decide.
hopefully soon.
in other news that i've been completely ignoring, monday is my next checkup with the neurologist. *sigh* it's so much easier ot just ignore all that crap. i don't feel any differently and i haven't had any new symptoms so i'm pretty sure he'll send me for a new MRI series and then say see you in 6 months. and that would be totally fine with me to be honest. man, i'm so glad that i didn't accept my last neurologist diagnosis at face value. but that brings me to a point of contention. now, my last neurologist diagnosed me with MS. wanted to start me on the medication, the daily shots right away. i made an appointment after timeframe she gave us to "think it over" which was the week of the wedding ironically. oh yeah, got that lovely news as we were about to go drop the invitations in the mail. anyway... i never kept that appointment because i met with and love my new neurologist. but my point is this... given the fact that she diagnosed me with a progressive disease that needs aggressive preventative treatment to keep it in check.... and then i never came back.... shouldn't they CALL ME? shouldn't they CHECK ON ME to see how i am doing?
this is the second time in my life i've felt this way about a doctor. both instances are quite disturbing in my mind. i mean, maybe there's some reason they are not allowed to or something, but come on!!!
ugh. so anyway, that's all that's new really. it needs to get sunny. soon.
4.24.2006
can't make a decision? do both!
so last week's whirlwind of interviews and job offers and rebuttals and discussions and decisions was very.... taxing.
was it better? should i make the move? was it to risky? i mean, they DID offer it to me 3 different ways. all in an attempt to find the fit that would work. i should be flattered that they are so interested right? ugh.
so now? well i'll do a project for them on the side. we get to test each other out and see if it's a fit. no risk! extra money! why not? i think this has worked out pretty well for now if you ask me.
the mom thing? well i wrote her a rather lengthy email. i think i did a pretty good job of laying it out on the line and not being accusatory or attacking at all. we'll see what happens there. i'm curious about it, frankly.
and the trip! yay! we leave friday morning. very excited to see melissa and go to the senior design exhibit! and see mark! how fun! i haven't been back to my college, well, since i graduated. wait, that's not true. what a liar i am! melissa and i taught a class there together while i was at CDG. still, that was 4 years ago? i think that's right. at any rate, it will be fun.
and i'll be in glastonbury, where my (potential) new employer is based out of so i can stop by and say hello! and meet some of the people i'll be working with. at least i think so. we'll see.
and i get my stove back tonight! hurray!!!
was it better? should i make the move? was it to risky? i mean, they DID offer it to me 3 different ways. all in an attempt to find the fit that would work. i should be flattered that they are so interested right? ugh.
so now? well i'll do a project for them on the side. we get to test each other out and see if it's a fit. no risk! extra money! why not? i think this has worked out pretty well for now if you ask me.
the mom thing? well i wrote her a rather lengthy email. i think i did a pretty good job of laying it out on the line and not being accusatory or attacking at all. we'll see what happens there. i'm curious about it, frankly.
and the trip! yay! we leave friday morning. very excited to see melissa and go to the senior design exhibit! and see mark! how fun! i haven't been back to my college, well, since i graduated. wait, that's not true. what a liar i am! melissa and i taught a class there together while i was at CDG. still, that was 4 years ago? i think that's right. at any rate, it will be fun.
and i'll be in glastonbury, where my (potential) new employer is based out of so i can stop by and say hello! and meet some of the people i'll be working with. at least i think so. we'll see.
and i get my stove back tonight! hurray!!!
4.21.2006
not much to say
been really busy at work and also interviewing for a new position that kind of fell in my lap. not sure i want it, exactly, but it is like a 30% raise and i would work from home. it's all happened so fast and i should find out if they will meet my number today.
we also began the Great Tiling Project last weekend. it's very pretty. not done, but pretty. our behemoth refrigerator could not be removed from the the kitchen entirely, just moved to one end. so we still have to finish up the tile under that spot once the fridge can be moved back.
the next magazine starts may 1, which, if i accept the offer, is also when my new job would start. yikes.
in other news, we're going to CT next weekend to visit my best friend. i swore i would never set foot in that state again. but i miss her and she could use the visit too. also means we'll be there for the big design show at our college. kind of excited that timing worked out! who knew!
in other news, my mother called me this morning. no lie. and her message? in its entirety "why are you mad at me?" in a total like upbeat sing-songy voice like i'd say to alex after doing something stupid. i swear. now i have to figure out what to do about that.
ok, i had more to say than i thought.
we also began the Great Tiling Project last weekend. it's very pretty. not done, but pretty. our behemoth refrigerator could not be removed from the the kitchen entirely, just moved to one end. so we still have to finish up the tile under that spot once the fridge can be moved back.
the next magazine starts may 1, which, if i accept the offer, is also when my new job would start. yikes.
in other news, we're going to CT next weekend to visit my best friend. i swore i would never set foot in that state again. but i miss her and she could use the visit too. also means we'll be there for the big design show at our college. kind of excited that timing worked out! who knew!
in other news, my mother called me this morning. no lie. and her message? in its entirety "why are you mad at me?" in a total like upbeat sing-songy voice like i'd say to alex after doing something stupid. i swear. now i have to figure out what to do about that.
ok, i had more to say than i thought.
4.05.2006
magic 8 ball meme
Have to admit, this was fun!!
*****
Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.
How does the world see you?
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
Will I have a happy life?
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurhythmics
What do my friends really of think me?
Broken, Jack Johnson
Do people secretly lust after me?
Brass Monkey, Beastie Boys
How can I make myself happy?
She's a Rebel, Green Day
What should I do with my life?
King of All Excuses, Staind
Will I ever have children?
Never Say Never, Queens of the Stone Age
What is some good advice for me?
Nowhere Man, Paul Westerberg
How will I be remembered?
Story, Lene Marlin
What is my signature dancing song?
The Rain, Missy Elliott
What do I think my current theme song is?
It's My Life,. Bon Jovi
What song will play at my funeral?
Extraordinary Thing, KD Lang
What type of men/women do you like?
Doth I Protest Too Much, Alanis Morissette
What is my day going to be like?
Dirty Little Secret (Thievery Corporation Remix), Sarah McLachlan
*****
Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.
How does the world see you?
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
Will I have a happy life?
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurhythmics
What do my friends really of think me?
Broken, Jack Johnson
Do people secretly lust after me?
Brass Monkey, Beastie Boys
How can I make myself happy?
She's a Rebel, Green Day
What should I do with my life?
King of All Excuses, Staind
Will I ever have children?
Never Say Never, Queens of the Stone Age
What is some good advice for me?
Nowhere Man, Paul Westerberg
How will I be remembered?
Story, Lene Marlin
What is my signature dancing song?
The Rain, Missy Elliott
What do I think my current theme song is?
It's My Life,. Bon Jovi
What song will play at my funeral?
Extraordinary Thing, KD Lang
What type of men/women do you like?
Doth I Protest Too Much, Alanis Morissette
What is my day going to be like?
Dirty Little Secret (Thievery Corporation Remix), Sarah McLachlan
4.04.2006
i can't stop eating
for two weeks now. i can't stop filling my pie hole. at all. this usually happens to me a few days out of the month, but then i won't want to eat for like 3 days after, it all balances out. but this has not stopped! i just ate a banana, my hummus and 2 sugar free turtles. in like 2 minutes. what is wrong with me? (plus garlicky chocolate breath? not so fun, must get some gum now...)
when i sit and think about what i eat in a day, it's not a crazy amount.... but for ME it is. me with my (not-so) little belly. i wonder what's causing this. i need to nip it in the bud, that's for sure.
in happier news, the new wallet i ordered to go along with my new purse that i got at the party my SIL dragged me to is in and she's picking it up for me tongiht. i'm very excited to use my new purse. especially since my old one seems so...... dirty to me now. better be careful though, i might try to eat it.
when i sit and think about what i eat in a day, it's not a crazy amount.... but for ME it is. me with my (not-so) little belly. i wonder what's causing this. i need to nip it in the bud, that's for sure.
in happier news, the new wallet i ordered to go along with my new purse that i got at the party my SIL dragged me to is in and she's picking it up for me tongiht. i'm very excited to use my new purse. especially since my old one seems so...... dirty to me now. better be careful though, i might try to eat it.
3.29.2006
why not?
Taken a picture naked? of myself? no. no. no. no one needs that.
Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes indeed.
Told a lie? Yeah.
Gotten in a car with people you just met? I don't think so. I did almost take a motorcycle ride with these guys a friend and i had just met at the beach. That would have been REALLY stupid.
Been in a fist fight? Yes.
Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back? Who hasn't?
Been arrested? Yes.
Left your house without telling your parents? Who knows, they didn't really pay much attention, so probably.
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yep, both high school and college
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes. i think so.
Slept in until 3? I must have at some point.
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Not recently enough
Played dress up? Yes.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. (Missed way to much art history to say I have a minor in it).
Felt an earthquake? No.
Touched a snake? Certainly not on purpose.
Ran a red light? Like 2 days ago.
Had detention? Yes.
Been in a car accident? Yes, 3 or 4
Pole danced? Ha!!!! Again, no one needs that!
Been lost? Oh, so many times. Figuratively and literally.
Sang karaoke? no no no.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn?t? more times than I can recount
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Maybe? I don't remember a specific moment or anything though. Should do that.
Sang in the shower? Yes, but the car is definitely more my thing. I'm a rockstar. Sinigng duets with Matt were my favorite car experiences.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.
Ever gone to school partially naked? What does this mean? I'll go with no.
Sat on a roof top? i think so.
Played chicken? No.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. (This was not an invitation, I don't need any of you getting any ideas.)
Been told you?re hot by a complete stranger? Only at gas stations by questionable men. Oh, and that one guy in traffic on 94. That was funny, although I don't think he said "hot" per se.
Broken a bone? Nope
Mooned/flashed someone? nope
Forgotten someone?s name? All the time.
Slept naked? Yep.
Blacked out from drinking? Never. never even gotten sick.
Played a prank on someone? Yes.
Felt like killing someone? Oh yes
Made a parent cry? Certainly
Cried over someone? Way too often.
Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? sadly, no.
Had/Have a dog? A few times but only briefly.
Been in a band? No, sadly.
Drank 25 sodas in a day? eek. no. that's a lot of soda!
Shot a gun? No, other than arcade type things. they scare me.
Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes indeed.
Told a lie? Yeah.
Gotten in a car with people you just met? I don't think so. I did almost take a motorcycle ride with these guys a friend and i had just met at the beach. That would have been REALLY stupid.
Been in a fist fight? Yes.
Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back? Who hasn't?
Been arrested? Yes.
Left your house without telling your parents? Who knows, they didn't really pay much attention, so probably.
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yep, both high school and college
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes. i think so.
Slept in until 3? I must have at some point.
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Not recently enough
Played dress up? Yes.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. (Missed way to much art history to say I have a minor in it).
Felt an earthquake? No.
Touched a snake? Certainly not on purpose.
Ran a red light? Like 2 days ago.
Had detention? Yes.
Been in a car accident? Yes, 3 or 4
Pole danced? Ha!!!! Again, no one needs that!
Been lost? Oh, so many times. Figuratively and literally.
Sang karaoke? no no no.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn?t? more times than I can recount
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Maybe? I don't remember a specific moment or anything though. Should do that.
Sang in the shower? Yes, but the car is definitely more my thing. I'm a rockstar. Sinigng duets with Matt were my favorite car experiences.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.
Ever gone to school partially naked? What does this mean? I'll go with no.
Sat on a roof top? i think so.
Played chicken? No.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. (This was not an invitation, I don't need any of you getting any ideas.)
Been told you?re hot by a complete stranger? Only at gas stations by questionable men. Oh, and that one guy in traffic on 94. That was funny, although I don't think he said "hot" per se.
Broken a bone? Nope
Mooned/flashed someone? nope
Forgotten someone?s name? All the time.
Slept naked? Yep.
Blacked out from drinking? Never. never even gotten sick.
Played a prank on someone? Yes.
Felt like killing someone? Oh yes
Made a parent cry? Certainly
Cried over someone? Way too often.
Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? sadly, no.
Had/Have a dog? A few times but only briefly.
Been in a band? No, sadly.
Drank 25 sodas in a day? eek. no. that's a lot of soda!
Shot a gun? No, other than arcade type things. they scare me.
What's wrong with people?
Last night my purse was taken while we were at our yoga class. I left it in my locker (unlocked) I know, I know but it's a fixed number of people there, not a general public kind of place and we all do that. It was under my coat as always. It was so upsetting. It was "found" later but whoever had it had rifled through my wallet and had taken all the gift cards/reward things from stores that I had. Wedding presents and such. Thankfully that was all, my credit cards were all there (even though we cancelled them anyway for safety) and my license and brand-new-hadn't-even-set-up-voicemail-yet-and-quite-expensive cell phone. so it could have been so much worse. As crappy as it is that all stuff is gone ($400ish worth of stuff) I feel worse for the owner. It's SUCH a small place, it's personal training by appointment so to think one of her clients or trainers is a thief is awful. Alex and I have our suspicions on one person who was acting weird... I'll probably talk to the owner about that later.
3.22.2006
interesting topic
i've been reading all the sites invovled in the "false advertising" debate the last few weeks. alex and i have had this discussion, many times, only in reverse.
he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.
so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?
he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.
so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?
3.16.2006
last night i had the strangest dream...
(and now i can't stop singing that silly "break my stride" song... but i digress)
i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.
i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.
one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.
i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.
i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.
somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.
i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.
now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."
now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?
i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.
i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.
one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.
i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.
i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.
somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.
i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.
now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."
now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?
3.14.2006
i think i've just negated 1/2 my wardrobe
funny, for all the years that i had red hair i hated the color pink. my hatred for pink was deep and everyone who knew me knew how much i hated the color. it was my thing. you know? so having red hair was never an issue.
well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!
anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."
great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!
well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!
anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."
great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!
3.10.2006
6 months
today marks our 6 month wedding anniversary. weird. seems so long and so short all at once. i was listening to the music that we played in the garden on the way into work this morning. ah, memories. all the planning! all the craziness! all the work! all the joy. last year was one hell of a year!
in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.
i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?
and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.
in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.
i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?
and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.
3.09.2006
i hold on to stuff
to a fault. and i know this. but what i'm talking about here is old wounds. it happened again last night.
we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.
i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.
i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.
really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?
we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.
i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.
i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.
really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?
3.03.2006
randomness
funny how you make a comment about not commenting and then you get a comment on your site that you're SURE no one reads.
ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.
anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.
i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...
***
i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.
then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.
yeah, thanks mom.
*sigh*
***
i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.
***
we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)
***
i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.
***
lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.
however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.
alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.
ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.
anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.
i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...
***
i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.
then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.
yeah, thanks mom.
*sigh*
***
i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.
***
we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)
***
i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.
***
lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.
however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.
alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.
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