i should have known.

but then, why don't i feel better about it? so of course we talked about stratford last night. it was a very short conversation:

me: i don't know what to do about stratford
him: what do you mean?
me: it's going to be so expensive
him: who said you were paying for anything?
me: no one, but it's going to be so expensive
him: this is important to me and something that i really want to share with you.
me: but...
him: i don't want to hear anything else about it, ok?

so... i mean, i didn't expect him to say, "hey, fork over 1/2" i knew he wanted to pay. i just wasn't comfortable not being able to do the same for him i guess.

i was just generally depressed over money yesterday. that's what paydays do to me now. i may as well jsut get paid $20/wk because that's all i have left after bills.

actually, if it weren't for having to pay off joe, i'd be ok. that is jsut looming over my head. if i send him money this week, i don't pay something else.

it's a vicious circle.

i also don't have enough money to paint, since i have to buy another gallon and a few random things. just not in the budget this check.

it makes me very sad.

it's always a money thing

so, alex and i have been together for a little over 2 months now. not once have i paid for anything when we go out. ok, that's a lie actually. we used to just meet for movies for the first few weeks and i'd always buy the drinks (because i felt bad that he was always buying the tickets, didn't want to make it seemed like i expected him to, you know?) at any rate... he pays for everything. in fact, i think he might be a little offended when i go to. even over little stuff. like when we went to the art fair, we had to take the shuttle in and i went to get our passes and he wouldn't let me get them. i had kind of come to terms with it. thinking, ok a dinner here and there, a movie once a week, that's ok. right? figuring that when my stuff arrived (which, yay! it did) i'd start cooking for him and things like that, thinking that would kind of even out.

enter the stratford festival. so he's asks me to go a few weeks back. i have no idea what is involved or anything. now we're picking the plays, planning the weekend and i happen to go check out ticket prices (after he tells me last night that we're getting like the best seats for one of the plays). um, they're like $100 each. plus, if we're going for the wekeend we'll need a place to stay, and apparently all the places around there are expensive. (i have no idea what the plans are for that yet) and since we'll likely be doing other things as well... this is going to be a very expensive weekend!

now, i'm broke. he knows that. there's been no mention of me paying for anything during this mini-vacation. but, come on. it i was already uncomfortable with him paying for a movie every week, i'm not ok with this. so what do i do? tell him i can't go since i can't contribute? what will hurt his feeling more? not going, or feeling bad about him paying for everything? and if i had the cash for something like this, it would be a non-issue. unfortunately, i don't. half the time when we go to dinner or whatever i'd offer to pay but i just don't even have the cash for that.

so what's the right thing to do? i already emailed him this morning saying that hey, this is going to be expensive, we need to talk about it. so we'll see what happens tonight i guess...

ugh.

go ahead, throw up now.

i know how sickening this is going to sound. i forgot to mention it earlier. once i did get to alex's last night and we were laying in each other's arms he says to me "i was wondering how i was going to sleep tonight without you here."

come on now, what girl wouldn't love to hear that?

zero willpower

last night was a joyous night for me for many reasons. let me tell you why.

first, i fall asleep around 10 or so and wake to my phone ringing at 11:30. it's alex of course. i thought we had decided he was coming over my place last night. first thing he says is "i'm on my way home" okaaay. course, i'm half asleep anyhow, so i'm like ok... and somehow it got wierd as we both thought the other didn't want to come over to the other's house, blah blah blah... stupid shit. so we basically say goodnight and hang up. but it's wierd. both of our feelings are a little hurt. why? no reason.

the old me would have just been sad, stewed and had a hard time sleeping trying to figure out what happened. ah, but the old me is slowing being pushed out and i love that! so, at first, i start to write a text msg. and i think, no. that's not ok. (still the old me trying to break through). so i call him. not only do i call him, there's no beating around the bush i'm like "that conversation was wierd, i didn't like it, i don't feel good about it. why are we not spending the night together?" nice!! go me!

so we talk for a few minutes. i decided my empty, half-painted place is depressing so i head over to his house. once i'm there he's like "we need to work on our communication huh?" and i'm like "sure, everyone does, but hey, i'm glad i made the call" and explained what i would have done before. so it was a good thing.

yay for me! yay yay yay for me!

now, the OTHER reason last night was joyous is because we had a lovely night with each other. i've been on the pill only a little over a week now, and it says after 7 days you're fine. now, i'd wait 3 months if it were soley up to me as, you know, i'm not quite ready to deal with the consequences and stuff.

but well, you know how things happen. usually he's really good about the whole condom thing, but he didn't buy any yesterday. that's never happened before. but, as it's been over the 7 days... we figured, what the hell.

people have always told me how much better it was without. truthfully, they never bothered me. but, i tell you what. it WAS better. much better. but not for any reason directly related more so than the level of closeness. hard to explain exactly, but i feel 10 million times closer to him now. i know how lame that sounds, but it's absolutely true.

you showered where?!

so after the weeding extravaganza, it was time for alex to go to work. he showered and left, leaving me to do the same (as i had to work today as well). i was the ultimate procrastinator, watching trading spaces, cleaning the kitchen (i REALLY didn't want to come into the office). finally got my ass in the shower. after i was lying on his bed contemplating getting dressed when my mom calls. i figure it's another time waster, so i answer. she asks me to do some favors for her and then ask what i'm up to. i tell her about weeding (she verifies my earlier query of, yes, it must be love if i was weeding... thanks mom).

course she puts 2 and 2 together and gets 14 as usual... hey, it's 3 o'clock. you're at alex's. isn't he at work?!! yes mom, he is. he left me to get ready and go to work as well.

oh. my. did that open up a door.

you showered at his house? you're there and he's not? you did what???! does that mean you have a key? what does that mean!?!?

how exactly do you tell your mom that, yes, i shower here all the time. we have sex here too. lots of it. have for months now, and at my house! in fact, we haven't spent a night apart in a good 3-4 weeks. just can't quite find the way to say it.

ah well. what can you do?

where to vacation? my my...

so, vacation. i cannot wait to take a vacation with my boy. but it's all up in the air about what we're really going to do. initially he suggested going back east. or to canada. now, at the time, i really didn't know what this whole canada thing was about, but liked the idea od spending 4 days together, just us, no schedules to worry about. but the more time goes on, i really miss my friends, but more than that, i really want them to meet alex and vice versa. especially jon, melissa and marie. anyone else would be a bonus.

then i found out more about this canado thing, and it looks pretty damn cool. http://www.stratford-festival.on.ca/ so now i'm all gung ho for canada. but then the more we talk it's still wishy-washy.

so i bit the bullet this morning. we were laying in bed and talking and he's asking me more and more questions about my friends. and i'm like "look. what would you do if you had a choice. canada or east coast. let's decide." so it came down to the fact that we both want to do both.

so, august is canada. then, he starts saying somehting and stops himself. i had to beat him to get it out of him but he basically was saying he could coe home for a holiday with me. but as he says it, it freaks him out. so i'm like "why do you bring these things up that freak you out!!! it's not like i am doing it!"

after a lot of talking, it's clear that that is what will happen. i'd like to spend thanksgiving with his family. it think it would be fun, who whole big family thing. i mean, parents, 7 kids and their spouses and children, a mad house i say! but i think i've always wanted to be part of a big family. plus he brought up having it at his house which is going to mean a lot of work for us, but i like it! i like it a lot.

problem with that? my family of course. BUT that would mean i'd get to take him home for christmas! andi would loooooooooooove that. i really would.

my my, how quickly things are falling into place. so much changes with each week, it's crazy!

must be love?

why else would i volunteer to weed on a sunday morning as alex mows the lawn? no other explanation to be had there. me... weed? come on now.

red onion anyone?

my boyfriend just decided to suprise me and come to take me out to lunch today. had a nice time even though i swear there was an entire red onion on top of my salad. so much onion!

what i find fascinating is that the same boy who broke up with me after like 3 weeks citing "we'll never get to see each other because of our schedules, and that's not a great way to build a relationship" no manages to find time to see me every single day. it will always be something i will tease him about, forever.

how did i manage to find someone so great? is it karma?

purple monster

i hate to paint. i hate it more than anything. and i'm not talking about painting on canvas, or anything remotely artistic. that i love. i'm talking about painting walls. i loathe it. in fact there's really not a strong enough word for now i feel about painting. and i really have no idea why. i have zero patience for it. so why, you might think, do i insist on painting where i live? well, because it's always worth it. ever since 99 when i tried to paint out first apt, i've avoided it like the plague. always found some way around it. not this time though.

so kim says she'll help me, because she's a freak and likes to paint apparently. so we start on my living/dining room last night which is at least 2/3 of my entire condo. and we start. it takes an entire gallon to do about 2/3 of a first coat of the area that needs to be purple. what's that? first coat? oh yeah. yup, it'll need TWO coats she says. horror of horrors.

my job is the "easy" one she says. do the edges, or "cut in" in painting lingo i guess. i suck at it. i'm all over the place. and hating it more and more with every second. at least my rationale is, if i suck, it's ok because it's my house and i have to live with it.

so then we're out of paint. or at least the 1st gallon. she says not to start the 2nd gallon until tomorrow. since i have to get probably 2 more. and that's only 1 of 5 colors.

it will never end.

all about timing

isn't that interesting. as i'm sitting here stewing about this stupid issue, he just sends me a text message that says, no lie, "i want you to come over." is that not almost word for word for what i said i wanted him to say?

sensitive spackling

why do i get upset over stupid shit? sure, i could blame it on lots of things but it just never makes any sense. for instance: alex hasn't felt well for a coupla days. this morning i can tell he's not doing so hot. so he emails me a coupla hours ago to say he's going home sick. this morning he had joked about me staying home to make him soup. so i say, want me to bring you over soup after work? and he's like, yeah... all sniffly and whiny. i, of course, am thinking, go pick up stuff that makes you happy when your sick and bring it over. i think it will be fun. right? enter spackling. i've been supposed to spackle my walls for weeks to paint before my stuff arrives from new hampshire. i've been a huge procrastinator. i was going to do it yesterday, finally, but i had a terrible migraine and ended up sleeping for 4 hours when i got home from work, so that shot last night. then it was going to be tonight (since a few people are comig over tomorrow to help me paint). then mr. sickness happens. i don't care, so i don't spackle, big deal. then he's like no, no... go spackle in that i-don't-want-you-to-spackle-really-i-want-you-to-come-over-here tone. so i'm sitting here waiting for copy for an ad that needs to go out tonight, so i call him to see how he is. he tells me i should spackle and not to come over. now, i know he's saying that because he knows i need to. but i guess i want him to come out and say "i want you to come over here." but he doesn't. well, i can come over if i want to he says. so now i make this into a big thing in my head like "fine. i'll spackle. in fact, i won't go see him tonight at all." why do i do this? i have no idea. and it makes me really upset. like now i'll feel like a fool if i do go over and not spackle.

i don't know what's wrong with me.

being creative

for as long as i can remember i've loved making things for people i really care about. and not just anything, something hand done, that's from the heart that i know the other person will just love. it always becomes a big big project for me. and i can't do it on demand. like i've done elaborate thigs for jamie, for jon. i think i even did somethign for carissa. my brother, seeing these things, asked me ot make something for him. i had no desire to do it. i jsut didn't want to. (i don't think he's ever really gotten over that, really...) oh well. so it's been years, literally, since i've felt like doing this. at all. for anyone.

one of my co-workers (who began dating someone new a few weeks before i did) questions if her new man brings out the best in her. if he showcases and allows her to exhibit her best qualities. it was intersting to think about in my relationship.

wheni think back, i think that my last one was much more emotionally abusive than even i realized at the time. not that i don't have aproblem with depression, i can't deny that. but i think she fed off of that. made me feel like less than i was. made me feel like i deserved nothing better than a crack head for a partner. part of it, i know, is the fact that she thinks she's great, wonderful and kic-ass. and no, no she's not. i deserve better than her. and i've got it.

the point of this is, after like a month when we were all at alex's house when i first met some of his friends, and we were looking at his pictures from paris, it hit me. project!! so i have gottena few of his pictures thai want to make these elaborate transfer/watercolors out of. i want to have it done for his birthday. i can't remember the last time i wanted to do something that is so much a part of me for someone. so what does that mean? and he does not allow me to be self-sonscious in anyway shape or form. good qualities, i think.

so you know how people say sometimes that when they met their spouse they knew that was the person they were going to marry? well, i feel that way. and not in a giddy, head-over-heels, so in love i can't stand it way. in a normal, he's great, i can see us together and having a family together way.

i haven't said this to anyone, you know, in case. but at the rate things are going i could totally see it.

is that bad?

little ms. art director

i tell ya, done more photoshootin in the last month than ever before. makes me feel important and like i'm trusted to, i dunno, do my job. not like @ cdg when we weren't ever allowed to leave the back room EVER. what a world of difference. i like how alex has taken a real interest in what i do. he was practically beaming when he found out i'd been art directing. i'm his little art director. cute.

so i finally meet this guy who's stable, financially secure, sweet, loving, attentive, treats me fantstically, love me and now i'm having doubts. why?

oh my. can we say, "damn it's been a long time!" and my how things have changed.

maybe i'll be better about updating this thing more. maybe not.

so what's new? i live in ann arbor again, work at pwb, have a condo, a new cat since one died, no furniture in my house, and a boyfriend i adore.

what could be any more different than my life one year ago.