zero willpower

last night was a joyous night for me for many reasons. let me tell you why.

first, i fall asleep around 10 or so and wake to my phone ringing at 11:30. it's alex of course. i thought we had decided he was coming over my place last night. first thing he says is "i'm on my way home" okaaay. course, i'm half asleep anyhow, so i'm like ok... and somehow it got wierd as we both thought the other didn't want to come over to the other's house, blah blah blah... stupid shit. so we basically say goodnight and hang up. but it's wierd. both of our feelings are a little hurt. why? no reason.

the old me would have just been sad, stewed and had a hard time sleeping trying to figure out what happened. ah, but the old me is slowing being pushed out and i love that! so, at first, i start to write a text msg. and i think, no. that's not ok. (still the old me trying to break through). so i call him. not only do i call him, there's no beating around the bush i'm like "that conversation was wierd, i didn't like it, i don't feel good about it. why are we not spending the night together?" nice!! go me!

so we talk for a few minutes. i decided my empty, half-painted place is depressing so i head over to his house. once i'm there he's like "we need to work on our communication huh?" and i'm like "sure, everyone does, but hey, i'm glad i made the call" and explained what i would have done before. so it was a good thing.

yay for me! yay yay yay for me!

now, the OTHER reason last night was joyous is because we had a lovely night with each other. i've been on the pill only a little over a week now, and it says after 7 days you're fine. now, i'd wait 3 months if it were soley up to me as, you know, i'm not quite ready to deal with the consequences and stuff.

but well, you know how things happen. usually he's really good about the whole condom thing, but he didn't buy any yesterday. that's never happened before. but, as it's been over the 7 days... we figured, what the hell.

people have always told me how much better it was without. truthfully, they never bothered me. but, i tell you what. it WAS better. much better. but not for any reason directly related more so than the level of closeness. hard to explain exactly, but i feel 10 million times closer to him now. i know how lame that sounds, but it's absolutely true.