being creative

for as long as i can remember i've loved making things for people i really care about. and not just anything, something hand done, that's from the heart that i know the other person will just love. it always becomes a big big project for me. and i can't do it on demand. like i've done elaborate thigs for jamie, for jon. i think i even did somethign for carissa. my brother, seeing these things, asked me ot make something for him. i had no desire to do it. i jsut didn't want to. (i don't think he's ever really gotten over that, really...) oh well. so it's been years, literally, since i've felt like doing this. at all. for anyone.

one of my co-workers (who began dating someone new a few weeks before i did) questions if her new man brings out the best in her. if he showcases and allows her to exhibit her best qualities. it was intersting to think about in my relationship.

wheni think back, i think that my last one was much more emotionally abusive than even i realized at the time. not that i don't have aproblem with depression, i can't deny that. but i think she fed off of that. made me feel like less than i was. made me feel like i deserved nothing better than a crack head for a partner. part of it, i know, is the fact that she thinks she's great, wonderful and kic-ass. and no, no she's not. i deserve better than her. and i've got it.

the point of this is, after like a month when we were all at alex's house when i first met some of his friends, and we were looking at his pictures from paris, it hit me. project!! so i have gottena few of his pictures thai want to make these elaborate transfer/watercolors out of. i want to have it done for his birthday. i can't remember the last time i wanted to do something that is so much a part of me for someone. so what does that mean? and he does not allow me to be self-sonscious in anyway shape or form. good qualities, i think.

so you know how people say sometimes that when they met their spouse they knew that was the person they were going to marry? well, i feel that way. and not in a giddy, head-over-heels, so in love i can't stand it way. in a normal, he's great, i can see us together and having a family together way.

i haven't said this to anyone, you know, in case. but at the rate things are going i could totally see it.

is that bad?