i really need to cut down. honestly. but reusable things like washcloths int eh kitchen skeeve me out. i also love me some clorox wipes.
in other news, my mother calls alex this morning barely after 8 as we had JUST gotten our lazy selves downstairs. why you may ask? to ask him what size maternity clothes i wear since one of her clients (she's like a freelance accountant) probably can only pay her in maternity clothes.
is that not the weirdest thing you've ever heard, like ever?
also, am i crazy for considering cloth diapering? in addition to making my own baby food?
12.21.2006
12.19.2006
much post about nothing
i'm tired and need a break from work so here i am. nothing much to say, just some random thoughts.
i can't decide now i feel about my mother. parts of me just wants to slap her upside the head about her stubbornness and have things be back to "normal" but then i think about those days and you know what? yeah, no thanks. not really interested. but i have a feeling things are going to come to a head in say, about 5 or 6 months.
i've also been wondering about some other things lately. there's a certain person in alex's family who, when it comes to get-togethers we always end up having "issues" regarding food and i really am trying to figure out why this is.
now, everyone knows about my food restrictions. not that hard, no sugar. can it be complicated? sure, but not really. i never ask anyone to accommodate me. often i'll offer to bring something or just make sure i have things with me i can eat ifi know it might be an issue. she often makes me feel like this is a lifestyle choice i'm making, not a medical necessity. no, i don't have diabetes. no, i will not DIE if i eat sugar, i'll just be really really really sick. and, um, no thanks.
again, i don't' ask people to accommodate me, but isn't some of it common courtesy? if someone was coming to my house and food was involved, i would make sure of likes/dislikes/allergies/any restriction first. and this is family! like, would it hurt you to pick up diet soda once in a while? of course this is all coming to a head with christmas around the corner. oh... the other part of it? she absolutely refuses to eat anything sugar-free.
now, that can be complex, i know. many people prefer sugar over sugar-substitutes. i get that, totally. i won't argue that point. it's a choice and that's fine. completely. but if i bring something to family gathering that is sugar-free (i always do, especially since alex's dad is diabetic) she'll treat it as if it's poison. won't go near it with a ten foot pole. i really don't understand it.
but then i got to thinking. i never bring things that are made with sugar, just as she never brings things that are sugar-free. so does that make me just as bad? i never thought of it that way before.
i dunno... but like i said, i'm tired. i shouldn't be attempting to write. maybe i'll take a little nap instead..,. i bet no one will notice :)
i can't decide now i feel about my mother. parts of me just wants to slap her upside the head about her stubbornness and have things be back to "normal" but then i think about those days and you know what? yeah, no thanks. not really interested. but i have a feeling things are going to come to a head in say, about 5 or 6 months.
i've also been wondering about some other things lately. there's a certain person in alex's family who, when it comes to get-togethers we always end up having "issues" regarding food and i really am trying to figure out why this is.
now, everyone knows about my food restrictions. not that hard, no sugar. can it be complicated? sure, but not really. i never ask anyone to accommodate me. often i'll offer to bring something or just make sure i have things with me i can eat ifi know it might be an issue. she often makes me feel like this is a lifestyle choice i'm making, not a medical necessity. no, i don't have diabetes. no, i will not DIE if i eat sugar, i'll just be really really really sick. and, um, no thanks.
again, i don't' ask people to accommodate me, but isn't some of it common courtesy? if someone was coming to my house and food was involved, i would make sure of likes/dislikes/allergies/any restriction first. and this is family! like, would it hurt you to pick up diet soda once in a while? of course this is all coming to a head with christmas around the corner. oh... the other part of it? she absolutely refuses to eat anything sugar-free.
now, that can be complex, i know. many people prefer sugar over sugar-substitutes. i get that, totally. i won't argue that point. it's a choice and that's fine. completely. but if i bring something to family gathering that is sugar-free (i always do, especially since alex's dad is diabetic) she'll treat it as if it's poison. won't go near it with a ten foot pole. i really don't understand it.
but then i got to thinking. i never bring things that are made with sugar, just as she never brings things that are sugar-free. so does that make me just as bad? i never thought of it that way before.
i dunno... but like i said, i'm tired. i shouldn't be attempting to write. maybe i'll take a little nap instead..,. i bet no one will notice :)
12.14.2006
a star!
You are The Star
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised
The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
12.11.2006
too busy...
to write about all the stuff going on. and i'm also shamefully behind on my bloglines. shame shame on me.
i only have one question. WHY did my mother mail a teddy bear shw bought in england to my husband only?
she's finally succeeded in hurting me. way to go mom.
i only have one question. WHY did my mother mail a teddy bear shw bought in england to my husband only?
she's finally succeeded in hurting me. way to go mom.
11.29.2006
woah...
i haven't posted much lately. i've been feeling pretty sick and lethargic. and i didn't really want to say how i'd been feeling - that i don't love pregnancy. i feel AWFUL saying that. i mean nothing too awful has happened (well, save for losing one of the babies and all) but i just feel sick. and tired. and achy. and like a lump lately.
fun, huh? well now you know why i haven't been sharing!
but THEN.... oh then....
we went for our monthly OB appt. i'm 13w1d today. i guess it was listen-to-heartbeat day but she was unable to find it. so i got to have (another) ultrasound. oh. my. god. i KNEW that monkey was fully formed by now, basically. but that did not prepare us for the site of a tiny little baby. with a clear spine! and little hands flailing around. it was totally unreal. like we're at a whole new level of reality now. i guess up until now it's been really surreal still, but there was NO denying that ultrasound today. holy crap.
we're both a little shell shocked right now i think!
fun, huh? well now you know why i haven't been sharing!
but THEN.... oh then....
we went for our monthly OB appt. i'm 13w1d today. i guess it was listen-to-heartbeat day but she was unable to find it. so i got to have (another) ultrasound. oh. my. god. i KNEW that monkey was fully formed by now, basically. but that did not prepare us for the site of a tiny little baby. with a clear spine! and little hands flailing around. it was totally unreal. like we're at a whole new level of reality now. i guess up until now it's been really surreal still, but there was NO denying that ultrasound today. holy crap.
we're both a little shell shocked right now i think!
11.14.2006
i don't like to travel
all that much. on my own that is.
i am in the east coast now, having gone into the office for my review. mmm, fun. i've never had a review so i'm pretty freaking nervous. also? um, work clothes. for six months i haven't had to go into an office. luckily, my work clothes from last fall, which had all been way too big now fit since i'm expanding again. can i just take a moment to say i don't really like this phase. you know, where i just look like i have mega muffin top or something. well that's not exactly right but i feel bloated and big and like nothing fits. ah well, i digress.
anyway, so i had to leave at 3 for the airport yesterday. i have JUST gotten over my cold from hell so i wasn't looking forward to flying. on a full plane at that. the flight was actually ok. i got to pick up my car (why do they keep giving me wagons?) and head to the hotel. i was supposed to see my best friend last night, but turns out she had to work really late. which i was sad about, but that was understandable.
i got to the hotel and checked in to see my room with 2 beds (what's the fun of staying in a hotel if you don't' get the big ol' bed all to yourself?) that didn't smell... quite... right...
i actually unpacked all my clothes and put everything away (which i never do) and settled in about 9:30 for some law and order. not to shabby. only... my tv kept shutting itself off. when i'd turn it back on only one line would show up down the center. i played with it for awhile to no avail and finally resorted to calling the front desk. only they were full, so sad but there wasn't anything they could do for me that night. sigh. but i could switch rooms in the morning. which meant packing up everything. figures. also? the tv would turn back on by itself and be perfectly fine then shut off again. and again. and again.
also when i called the front desk they thought i was only staying one night. um, no, three, actually. when i checked in they knew that and i also signed up for a wake up call. i had set a back up as well.
this morning? good thing alex had a meeting and work up early and called me. he's the only one who did. and turns out the "back-up" alarm didn't go off either. guess i screwed that up as well!
so i go downstairs to talk about the room switch. only they had no record of my calling. and they'd "look into it" and there was no reason to truck everything that i had already repacked, out of my room.
i'm not looking forward to going back there tonight. it will be better, right? right?
i am in the east coast now, having gone into the office for my review. mmm, fun. i've never had a review so i'm pretty freaking nervous. also? um, work clothes. for six months i haven't had to go into an office. luckily, my work clothes from last fall, which had all been way too big now fit since i'm expanding again. can i just take a moment to say i don't really like this phase. you know, where i just look like i have mega muffin top or something. well that's not exactly right but i feel bloated and big and like nothing fits. ah well, i digress.
anyway, so i had to leave at 3 for the airport yesterday. i have JUST gotten over my cold from hell so i wasn't looking forward to flying. on a full plane at that. the flight was actually ok. i got to pick up my car (why do they keep giving me wagons?) and head to the hotel. i was supposed to see my best friend last night, but turns out she had to work really late. which i was sad about, but that was understandable.
i got to the hotel and checked in to see my room with 2 beds (what's the fun of staying in a hotel if you don't' get the big ol' bed all to yourself?) that didn't smell... quite... right...
i actually unpacked all my clothes and put everything away (which i never do) and settled in about 9:30 for some law and order. not to shabby. only... my tv kept shutting itself off. when i'd turn it back on only one line would show up down the center. i played with it for awhile to no avail and finally resorted to calling the front desk. only they were full, so sad but there wasn't anything they could do for me that night. sigh. but i could switch rooms in the morning. which meant packing up everything. figures. also? the tv would turn back on by itself and be perfectly fine then shut off again. and again. and again.
also when i called the front desk they thought i was only staying one night. um, no, three, actually. when i checked in they knew that and i also signed up for a wake up call. i had set a back up as well.
this morning? good thing alex had a meeting and work up early and called me. he's the only one who did. and turns out the "back-up" alarm didn't go off either. guess i screwed that up as well!
so i go downstairs to talk about the room switch. only they had no record of my calling. and they'd "look into it" and there was no reason to truck everything that i had already repacked, out of my room.
i'm not looking forward to going back there tonight. it will be better, right? right?
11.03.2006
cuz that last post sucked
let's talk about something happy!
when we went to the pumkin patch weeks and weeks ago, we picked out our pumpkins. as we were walking back to the little tractor ride thingy i stumbled across a little pumkpin that was so cute, and also green. and we know how i love green. alex asked if i wanted the pumpkin and i said no, as i already had mine. then he leaned over and whispered (since it was still a secret)... "you know, monkey needs a pumpkin too..."
yes he does indeed!
when we went to the pumkin patch weeks and weeks ago, we picked out our pumpkins. as we were walking back to the little tractor ride thingy i stumbled across a little pumkpin that was so cute, and also green. and we know how i love green. alex asked if i wanted the pumpkin and i said no, as i already had mine. then he leaned over and whispered (since it was still a secret)... "you know, monkey needs a pumpkin too..."
yes he does indeed!
11.01.2006
towel officially thrown in
so it's common knowledge that my mom and i have issues. we've never had that close relationship i've often wised we've had. high school was a nightmare of screaming most of the time. college came and she actually had a party when i moved on campus 3 hours away.
after that things got better, distance helped. then things got rocky again with the 5 year horrible relationship i had. but even then she was there for me when i needed her, i was very lucky. when i finally decided i needed to escape and leave the state of ct, i quit my job and moved back home with them for 6 mos. i worked several menial jobs to try to keep myself busy and also keep paying my bills while i figured it all out. living in close quarters again was trying. especially since i had been through some really unspeakable things that she preferred to never know about. ok, fine, no big deal. i wasn't in the shape to talk anyway. and also? we never had that relationship with each other.
then i got a job offer from my old employer in ann arbor (ironically i had originally come out to michigan the first time for the disaster of a relationship, but no need to go into that now). i had some mixed feelings about coming back out here since some pretty awful things had happened out here too. but i needed the escape, the distance, the chance to start over.
so i came. alone. all i could pack into my car and lived in a hotel for a few months with basically nothing. my mother, the real estate investor, bought a small condo for me to live in (another story for another time) and soon after i moved in i met alex, purely by chance.
i had no way to know that he was going to end up being my husband. at that time i could scarcely fathom it.
but that's the way we headed and my mom loved him, of course. who doesn't?
as the wedding approached we seemed to be getting along quite well, my mom and i. my dad always just kind of goes with the flow. my mom definitely runs the show.
after the wedding she told me she had had a bad time, for reasons that aren't even worth getting into. it hurt me, a lot. comments she made to my friends and others found their way back to me and i was pretty devastated. more that she would act the way she did.
christmas last year was rough. too much to go into but we went to meet them in vegas at their request and it was a complete disaster. my parents haven't spoken to me since. (i know i'm not going into detail but i did nothing wrong here and i STILL have no idea why she was so angry).
a few months after she left me a voicemail asking why i was mad at her. i took the opportunity to write out all my feelings regarding the wedding, vegas and everything since. i was very careful not to place blame, acknowledge any part in i had and ask that we talk things out that i was tired of this sort of pattern in our relationship. no, this wasn't the first time she had gone long stretched without speaking to me.
i never got a response to that letter. which was pretty sad. but i was okay leaving things the way they were.
enter monkey. i had to figure out how i wanted to share the news with my parents. we decided to buy them gifts and mail them out to them. as we were at the ups store alex said to me "you know she's going to call you and you have to just pretend like nothing had happened" and i knew he was right. and i was ok with that.
he package was scheduled to arrive on a friday. in the meantime she had emailed alex about some other items (oh yeah, she still emails him, calls him on his birthday... while i didn't even rate an email or ecard. yes, i sent them birthday cards, mother's/father's day things, etc...) and in his response he mentioned to her that we had set them gifts and that they should open them together. her response was very negative about me how "no way i could have sent her a gift."
ok, fine.
so friday came. and saturday. and sunday. nothing. no call, email, nada. my little brother, who lives with them didn't know the news. we shared it with his sunday. he was excited and intrigued that they had not said anything to him about the package. finally he asked them what was in the package that had arrived on friday. my mother's response? "i put it in the closet. i have no intention of even opening anything from 'her.'"
seriously.
now my problem with this wasn't the absurdity. i mean, that's her choice. my problem was that they still didn't KNOW. and if they knew and close to ignore it that was one thing. you know?
so i debated what to do. i really didn't want to call her, i'll be honest. but i opted to call my dad at work. i got his voicemail and left him a message asking him to call me. generally my dad keeps neutral in whatever is going on and i can usually talk to him. he never called me back.
that was new, and it hurt.
finally after we got the second ultrasound picture, i emailed it both of them with a subject line of "your grandchild" in case they didn't read it, and a short note. signed it from both of us and waited. that was 3 days ago.
today, alex (why not me?) gets an email from my mother that says "gordon and i are happy for you."
that was it. we both think that is the last we'll hear from them.
all i wanted was for them to know and make their choice. and they've made it.
i'm done trying.
after that things got better, distance helped. then things got rocky again with the 5 year horrible relationship i had. but even then she was there for me when i needed her, i was very lucky. when i finally decided i needed to escape and leave the state of ct, i quit my job and moved back home with them for 6 mos. i worked several menial jobs to try to keep myself busy and also keep paying my bills while i figured it all out. living in close quarters again was trying. especially since i had been through some really unspeakable things that she preferred to never know about. ok, fine, no big deal. i wasn't in the shape to talk anyway. and also? we never had that relationship with each other.
then i got a job offer from my old employer in ann arbor (ironically i had originally come out to michigan the first time for the disaster of a relationship, but no need to go into that now). i had some mixed feelings about coming back out here since some pretty awful things had happened out here too. but i needed the escape, the distance, the chance to start over.
so i came. alone. all i could pack into my car and lived in a hotel for a few months with basically nothing. my mother, the real estate investor, bought a small condo for me to live in (another story for another time) and soon after i moved in i met alex, purely by chance.
i had no way to know that he was going to end up being my husband. at that time i could scarcely fathom it.
but that's the way we headed and my mom loved him, of course. who doesn't?
as the wedding approached we seemed to be getting along quite well, my mom and i. my dad always just kind of goes with the flow. my mom definitely runs the show.
after the wedding she told me she had had a bad time, for reasons that aren't even worth getting into. it hurt me, a lot. comments she made to my friends and others found their way back to me and i was pretty devastated. more that she would act the way she did.
christmas last year was rough. too much to go into but we went to meet them in vegas at their request and it was a complete disaster. my parents haven't spoken to me since. (i know i'm not going into detail but i did nothing wrong here and i STILL have no idea why she was so angry).
a few months after she left me a voicemail asking why i was mad at her. i took the opportunity to write out all my feelings regarding the wedding, vegas and everything since. i was very careful not to place blame, acknowledge any part in i had and ask that we talk things out that i was tired of this sort of pattern in our relationship. no, this wasn't the first time she had gone long stretched without speaking to me.
i never got a response to that letter. which was pretty sad. but i was okay leaving things the way they were.
enter monkey. i had to figure out how i wanted to share the news with my parents. we decided to buy them gifts and mail them out to them. as we were at the ups store alex said to me "you know she's going to call you and you have to just pretend like nothing had happened" and i knew he was right. and i was ok with that.
he package was scheduled to arrive on a friday. in the meantime she had emailed alex about some other items (oh yeah, she still emails him, calls him on his birthday... while i didn't even rate an email or ecard. yes, i sent them birthday cards, mother's/father's day things, etc...) and in his response he mentioned to her that we had set them gifts and that they should open them together. her response was very negative about me how "no way i could have sent her a gift."
ok, fine.
so friday came. and saturday. and sunday. nothing. no call, email, nada. my little brother, who lives with them didn't know the news. we shared it with his sunday. he was excited and intrigued that they had not said anything to him about the package. finally he asked them what was in the package that had arrived on friday. my mother's response? "i put it in the closet. i have no intention of even opening anything from 'her.'"
seriously.
now my problem with this wasn't the absurdity. i mean, that's her choice. my problem was that they still didn't KNOW. and if they knew and close to ignore it that was one thing. you know?
so i debated what to do. i really didn't want to call her, i'll be honest. but i opted to call my dad at work. i got his voicemail and left him a message asking him to call me. generally my dad keeps neutral in whatever is going on and i can usually talk to him. he never called me back.
that was new, and it hurt.
finally after we got the second ultrasound picture, i emailed it both of them with a subject line of "your grandchild" in case they didn't read it, and a short note. signed it from both of us and waited. that was 3 days ago.
today, alex (why not me?) gets an email from my mother that says "gordon and i are happy for you."
that was it. we both think that is the last we'll hear from them.
all i wanted was for them to know and make their choice. and they've made it.
i'm done trying.
10.27.2006
confirmed
i have no idea why i had such a hard time believing i am pregnant (even sounds weird to me now...). i think part of it stems from reading so many infertility blogs because i think the women are fantastic writers and interesting and whatnot. i also kind of feel like a traitor now. how weird is that?
i know, i have issues.
anyway, today was my official "first" appointment with the doctor. only it wasn't.
here's the deal.
in august we went to see alex's brother greg. the one with ms. on the 4 hour drive home, about 30 minutes from here alex asks me why i keep telling people who ask when we're going to have kids "well, i just started a new job so at least a year" when all along we hadn't planned on anything for a few years.
i have no idea why i said that to people other than it was a convenient answer and a way to get people to leave me the eff alone already.
the conversation basically ended when we decided maybe it was time. after that we were silent, both in shock, like, did we just decide to do this? we were going to go on my company trip a few weeks after that so we figured after we returned we'd "see what happens."
well, i'll tell you what happened! i pretty much knew instantaneously. i guess some people do. i was afraid maybe i was imagining it, but it something was different. the day to take the test came and i was pretty confident... until i looked at it and saw one line. then alex looked at it and pointed out there WAS a second one. sort of. barely. and what did that mean? here we are noses to the pee stick trying to figure out what it all meant.
being the impatient people that we are,we went straight back out to get the more expensive, digital test. and i did it the following day. (btw, i highly recommend these). i had scarcely put the cap on when the "positive" popped, very clearly, into the display. and there it was. clear as day.
calling the doctor that monday morning was anti-climactic but also surprising. they didn't want to see me for weeks. what? don't i need to go in and verify or something? no? really? well ok. and then BOOM they just tell you your due date right then! now I've learned since how easy it is to figure out and all that, but i guess i was expecting more... of a big deal? nope. june 4. there it is. crazy.
so that was that. and i waited. and then the next week came. with the spotting. everything i read said this "could be normal... but CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY" um, ok. so i'm freaked out and i call the doctor. i speak with a nurse. she tells me "not to worry unless it gets really bad or bright red." ok, what i want to know is who is the judge of this, exactly? cuz a first-time-pregnant-girl? not the best judge. i was a MESS.
the following monday (after a particularly horrible "spotting" weekend -- when does it cross the line to bleeding? i'm pretty sure it did while walking through whole foods) i had my first appointment which is only with a nurse to get a crapload of paperwork. we discussed the spotting and she asked when my first doctor appointment was. i told her in 2 weeks (today) and she said that wasn't ok and we needed to get in sooner. i'm pretty sure she was certain i was miscarrying, and didn't want to say it.
at any rate she manged to get me in the very next morning with a different doctor in the practice. i was nervous, but happy to finally know something. he explained to me all the things we could see (or not see) on the internal ultrasound. and that he wasn't sure we'd see anything since it was so early (7 weeks by their crazy math). turns out there was something to see. there was a little sac with a teeny-tiny monkey inside (we're not finding out the sex so that is what we're calling him). we got to see the little heartbeat and everything. he confirmed all was well.
and he also found the reason i was bleeding. the second, clearly visible, but empty, second sac. so i guess there had been a reason to worry after all.
i try not to get too upset about the other one... and focus on the happy, healthy monkey we do have.
since we had a picture, even though it was still very early, we felt "safe" telling people. that's a post for another time. although as soon as we told the first person i was TERRIFIED something would go wrong. convinced in fact.
for some reason the appointment today was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. i met my doctor (she's FAB) and i expected her to be overly cautious like the last doctor had been and be very careful to warn me of all the badness that we may see (or not see). but no, it was totally a normal visit. and we have a new photo. and he's so big! (ok, relatively, really only like 9mm, but GIANT compared to 2 weeks ago when you could barely see anything).
so there we have it. almost 9 weeks along. i want to be happy and not so worried. i thought today would do it, and it did. but now i have to make decisions about testing. argh.
it's just the beginning :)
(in case it doesn't sound like i'm excited, rest assured, i am. i talk to him all the time. yes, i'm one of those people. but i also talk to all kinds of inanimate objects too. and i can never take anything less than a whole bunch of bananas at the store because i feel so bad leaving those other ones behind. yeah, i have issues, and now i've overshared. ah well!)
i know, i have issues.
anyway, today was my official "first" appointment with the doctor. only it wasn't.
here's the deal.
in august we went to see alex's brother greg. the one with ms. on the 4 hour drive home, about 30 minutes from here alex asks me why i keep telling people who ask when we're going to have kids "well, i just started a new job so at least a year" when all along we hadn't planned on anything for a few years.
i have no idea why i said that to people other than it was a convenient answer and a way to get people to leave me the eff alone already.
the conversation basically ended when we decided maybe it was time. after that we were silent, both in shock, like, did we just decide to do this? we were going to go on my company trip a few weeks after that so we figured after we returned we'd "see what happens."
well, i'll tell you what happened! i pretty much knew instantaneously. i guess some people do. i was afraid maybe i was imagining it, but it something was different. the day to take the test came and i was pretty confident... until i looked at it and saw one line. then alex looked at it and pointed out there WAS a second one. sort of. barely. and what did that mean? here we are noses to the pee stick trying to figure out what it all meant.
being the impatient people that we are,we went straight back out to get the more expensive, digital test. and i did it the following day. (btw, i highly recommend these). i had scarcely put the cap on when the "positive" popped, very clearly, into the display. and there it was. clear as day.
calling the doctor that monday morning was anti-climactic but also surprising. they didn't want to see me for weeks. what? don't i need to go in and verify or something? no? really? well ok. and then BOOM they just tell you your due date right then! now I've learned since how easy it is to figure out and all that, but i guess i was expecting more... of a big deal? nope. june 4. there it is. crazy.
so that was that. and i waited. and then the next week came. with the spotting. everything i read said this "could be normal... but CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY" um, ok. so i'm freaked out and i call the doctor. i speak with a nurse. she tells me "not to worry unless it gets really bad or bright red." ok, what i want to know is who is the judge of this, exactly? cuz a first-time-pregnant-girl? not the best judge. i was a MESS.
the following monday (after a particularly horrible "spotting" weekend -- when does it cross the line to bleeding? i'm pretty sure it did while walking through whole foods) i had my first appointment which is only with a nurse to get a crapload of paperwork. we discussed the spotting and she asked when my first doctor appointment was. i told her in 2 weeks (today) and she said that wasn't ok and we needed to get in sooner. i'm pretty sure she was certain i was miscarrying, and didn't want to say it.
at any rate she manged to get me in the very next morning with a different doctor in the practice. i was nervous, but happy to finally know something. he explained to me all the things we could see (or not see) on the internal ultrasound. and that he wasn't sure we'd see anything since it was so early (7 weeks by their crazy math). turns out there was something to see. there was a little sac with a teeny-tiny monkey inside (we're not finding out the sex so that is what we're calling him). we got to see the little heartbeat and everything. he confirmed all was well.
and he also found the reason i was bleeding. the second, clearly visible, but empty, second sac. so i guess there had been a reason to worry after all.
i try not to get too upset about the other one... and focus on the happy, healthy monkey we do have.
since we had a picture, even though it was still very early, we felt "safe" telling people. that's a post for another time. although as soon as we told the first person i was TERRIFIED something would go wrong. convinced in fact.
for some reason the appointment today was the only thing that was going to ease my mind. i met my doctor (she's FAB) and i expected her to be overly cautious like the last doctor had been and be very careful to warn me of all the badness that we may see (or not see). but no, it was totally a normal visit. and we have a new photo. and he's so big! (ok, relatively, really only like 9mm, but GIANT compared to 2 weeks ago when you could barely see anything).
so there we have it. almost 9 weeks along. i want to be happy and not so worried. i thought today would do it, and it did. but now i have to make decisions about testing. argh.
it's just the beginning :)
(in case it doesn't sound like i'm excited, rest assured, i am. i talk to him all the time. yes, i'm one of those people. but i also talk to all kinds of inanimate objects too. and i can never take anything less than a whole bunch of bananas at the store because i feel so bad leaving those other ones behind. yeah, i have issues, and now i've overshared. ah well!)
10.25.2006
yeah yeah
ok, i know i've been MIA for, ok, well a long time. i suck, fine.
well seems my new friend called me out for not posting so here goes.
truth is? i've been really overwhelmed by a lot lately.
since i last posted, we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary (very nice) and alex's 32nd birthday (let's really forget the part about me saying it was his 31st shall we? apparently i have no idea how old my husband is).
i also "broke up" with one of my old friends. certainly not my dearest by any stretch and it was a LONG TIME COMING but it still sucked. she did not take it well. she said some really nasty things to me, which although they hurt, it really reaffirmed for me that i made the right decision.
there's also all this complication with my mother. it's gotten worse, unbelievably, but it has. i have some really tough decisions to make about her and if i want to continue to try or not.
mostly i'm really ok with not. but things have changed recently.
because, yes, there is other news. good news. fabulous news even. but i'm still a little weirded out talking about it just... yet... ha! crazy isn't it?
i'll leave you with a photo. the photo says it all. this t-shirt is hilarious i think. especially given my particular set of circumstances. i try not to think about the fact that it's only available in junior's sizes... egad!
well seems my new friend called me out for not posting so here goes.
truth is? i've been really overwhelmed by a lot lately.
since i last posted, we celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary (very nice) and alex's 32nd birthday (let's really forget the part about me saying it was his 31st shall we? apparently i have no idea how old my husband is).
i also "broke up" with one of my old friends. certainly not my dearest by any stretch and it was a LONG TIME COMING but it still sucked. she did not take it well. she said some really nasty things to me, which although they hurt, it really reaffirmed for me that i made the right decision.
there's also all this complication with my mother. it's gotten worse, unbelievably, but it has. i have some really tough decisions to make about her and if i want to continue to try or not.
mostly i'm really ok with not. but things have changed recently.
because, yes, there is other news. good news. fabulous news even. but i'm still a little weirded out talking about it just... yet... ha! crazy isn't it?
i'll leave you with a photo. the photo says it all. this t-shirt is hilarious i think. especially given my particular set of circumstances. i try not to think about the fact that it's only available in junior's sizes... egad!
9.08.2006
classic
we were eating dinner last night and our kitchen table is currently in a very inconvenient spot in the kitchen due to the tiling that still needs to be done on one end that's all cleared out. anyway, so my chair is placed in kind an odd spot and i was siting kinda sideways on it. so anyway. i needed to sneeze, so i turned even more to the side as not to sneeze in my dinner and somehow the angle i was sitting at coupled with the force of the sneeze.... i fell right out of my chair onto the floor.
sorry, no picture for this one.
**updated to add that i was able to throw my pita back onto my plate before i fell but alex also told me i managed to throw rice on him on the way down. ha!**
sorry, no picture for this one.
**updated to add that i was able to throw my pita back onto my plate before i fell but alex also told me i managed to throw rice on him on the way down. ha!**
9.01.2006
mobility
so we went for our first outing! during the work day! we left the house! it was very exciting. we did not venture far, just to the local coffee shop down the street. this place is very cute and the owners are so nice. we used to go all the time. they have like 37 sugar-free syrup flavors, it's amazing! most places will only only vanilla or hazelnut if you're lucky (i'm talking to YOU $5 per cup coffee giant!!! hmph!) ok, so they don't have 37 but easily like 16. seriously.
the problem is don't like their espresso. bummer eh? all those flavors and no fancy lattés for me. so sad. we usually just get steamers. anyhow, it did mean ti got to use my fancy laptop bag and i felt all official. we also found out they only have one decent sized table and that was already claimed by one woman so both of us had to squeeze onto a tiny round table. i mean we squeeze onto a tiny round table at home, but this was very tiny.
turns out the speed wasn't great and for what alex needed we had to be home, but yay for first outing!
the problem is don't like their espresso. bummer eh? all those flavors and no fancy lattés for me. so sad. we usually just get steamers. anyhow, it did mean ti got to use my fancy laptop bag and i felt all official. we also found out they only have one decent sized table and that was already claimed by one woman so both of us had to squeeze onto a tiny round table. i mean we squeeze onto a tiny round table at home, but this was very tiny.
turns out the speed wasn't great and for what alex needed we had to be home, but yay for first outing!
8.31.2006
the cape weekend
so the big weekend on the cape was nice.
we got to the detroit airport way early for our 9am flight on friday. there were like 3 people in line so we had a lot of time to kill. it was ok, but seeing as i had gotten like 2 hours or sleep the night before i was pretty wired, esp after my venti latte.
oh, the entire detroit shock team was on our flight too. i remember standing in line for boarding and suddenly being surrounded by 10 foot tall woman. alex leans over and whispers "i think the shock is on our flight, pretty sure that's bill lampeer over there" (or whatever his name is).
it was confirmed for us when alex started recognizing coaches that were taking their seats in first class. that's right. the coached were in first class. the team? in coach with the rest of us. i turn to him and said "you think the pistons sit in coach??" top which he answered "they have their own plane." now tell me, is this fair? the poor girls should at least get first class!
we arrived in boston without incident, early in fact! we had to wait for-eve-er to get our bags. i hate checking bags. but thanks to that no-liquid thing we had to. i also allowed me to indulge in my over packing. always dangerous. at least the shock didn't have to get their own bags. there were a team of 4 or 5 guys loading up. and up. and up. i'm surprised any of our luggage fit on the plane. at least it left no room for the snakes. ahem.
so we went over to hertz to get our car which had been upgraded to a volvo wagon. as long as it had the gps i dont' care what it was! we managed to meet up with jon (yay!) and had lunch then we departed when he had an appointment and then we started the drive to the cape.
it wasn't so bad. everybody told us about ow bad the traffic would be. it took about 3 hours. not too shabby, better than i expected. got to stop for a latte (woo!) and then it was my turn to drive. all was well until the ... bridge. why did i not think that through? i have an irrational fear of bridges. i used to have reoccurring nightmares about them in fact. so when we rounded the corner and i saw it tears sprung to my eyes. no joke. this... this is the bridge in my nightmares. oh god. alex offered pulling over but we couldn't, there was no where.
i made it. barely. it was horrifying.
anyhow. we got the place and checked in and realized how gigantic it was. we found our room, which was like a small apartment what with the kitchen, several rooms, washer and dryer... crazy! unfortunately we were on the bottom floor so it was all tile. that was a little yucky, but i'm not complaining.
the weather was quite chilly and dreary and sort of rainingish Friday. We had a few hours to tell before the reception to we trekked to one of the indoor pools (incidentally where EVERYONE ELSE STAYING THERE WAS OF COURSE) and chilled in the hot tub and whatnot. it was nice.
we got ready for the reception and headed over to the mansion. we had the entire first floor and the patio/balcony area that overlooked the ocean.i saw my boss and got to meet her husband. eventually met the others on my team and basically we all hung together most of the night. my coworkers wife and alex really hit it off and bonded about cars and whatnot. go figure! they are great people. trish and larry finally got there a bit later and the first thign she asked me was about the bridge and how i handled it. god i love her.
anyhow, it was a great night, we all went to the pub downstairs after and it was god to meet more people that i work with! crazy you know?
the next morning we met trish and larry to go have breakfast. where we also met up with my boss and her husband. we all talked about our plans for the day, since we didn't have a company event until 3pm. trish and i took off to get pedicures. the boys immediately went their own ways (boys are funny that way). we all met up for some pool time, it was a gorgeous day. then before we knew it it was time to head to the clambake.
the owner of my company gave a little talk and i realized how lucky i was to be part of a company where the employees are appreciated. it also made me REALLY realize just HOW crappy my last position was. alex and i both commented on that when we was done speaking.
there was food and drink aplenty then on to the beach for a fire and games. they even had a guy out there singing and playing the guitar. a few of us had a running bet on how many jimmy buffet songs he'd actually play.
then we moved to the tent for dancing and dessert. we were all going to head for the pub but there were FOUR weddings on premises that day so it was a bit packed. no matter, most people were leaving early in the morning so we left. by this time it was about 1am and we were starving. (having eaten at 3) so the 4 of us took off to find food. only everything closes in that area at like 9pm. we managed to find some pretty decent chinese food and then called it a night.
met trish and larry again for breakfast before we parted ways. it was sad. i love trish and i've not seen her since she was in my wedding! way way way too long!
we made record time back to boston and then met up with my little brother (since my mother had put the kibosh on it on friday) and ate lunch with him and headed back to logan. now, 2 hours early for detroit was MORE than enough. 2.5 hours for logan? not so much. good thing our plane was late getting in or else we would have missed it.
overall, long days of travel for basically one day at the cape. not complaining though it was a HUGE thing for them to give us and provide. amazing in fact.
it did, however, make us decide not to take a trip for our anniversary. we had wanted to go to seattle or washington or colorado. but it was going to be a 3-day weekend. and to go that far away for 3 days? not so much worth it. especially when we have to pay for things. alot easier when it's all paid for!
so, we'll be laying low. no plans yet, but it's all good. i really can't believe that it's almost been a year!
here's a picture of us getting ready to leave sunday. it was the last one left on the roll of the disposable we've been trying to use up for a year. our brand spanking new fancy camera should be arriving any second via fedex. (working for that big company that alex does has it's perks. :)
we got to the detroit airport way early for our 9am flight on friday. there were like 3 people in line so we had a lot of time to kill. it was ok, but seeing as i had gotten like 2 hours or sleep the night before i was pretty wired, esp after my venti latte.
oh, the entire detroit shock team was on our flight too. i remember standing in line for boarding and suddenly being surrounded by 10 foot tall woman. alex leans over and whispers "i think the shock is on our flight, pretty sure that's bill lampeer over there" (or whatever his name is).
it was confirmed for us when alex started recognizing coaches that were taking their seats in first class. that's right. the coached were in first class. the team? in coach with the rest of us. i turn to him and said "you think the pistons sit in coach??" top which he answered "they have their own plane." now tell me, is this fair? the poor girls should at least get first class!
we arrived in boston without incident, early in fact! we had to wait for-eve-er to get our bags. i hate checking bags. but thanks to that no-liquid thing we had to. i also allowed me to indulge in my over packing. always dangerous. at least the shock didn't have to get their own bags. there were a team of 4 or 5 guys loading up. and up. and up. i'm surprised any of our luggage fit on the plane. at least it left no room for the snakes. ahem.
so we went over to hertz to get our car which had been upgraded to a volvo wagon. as long as it had the gps i dont' care what it was! we managed to meet up with jon (yay!) and had lunch then we departed when he had an appointment and then we started the drive to the cape.
it wasn't so bad. everybody told us about ow bad the traffic would be. it took about 3 hours. not too shabby, better than i expected. got to stop for a latte (woo!) and then it was my turn to drive. all was well until the ... bridge. why did i not think that through? i have an irrational fear of bridges. i used to have reoccurring nightmares about them in fact. so when we rounded the corner and i saw it tears sprung to my eyes. no joke. this... this is the bridge in my nightmares. oh god. alex offered pulling over but we couldn't, there was no where.
i made it. barely. it was horrifying.
anyhow. we got the place and checked in and realized how gigantic it was. we found our room, which was like a small apartment what with the kitchen, several rooms, washer and dryer... crazy! unfortunately we were on the bottom floor so it was all tile. that was a little yucky, but i'm not complaining.
the weather was quite chilly and dreary and sort of rainingish Friday. We had a few hours to tell before the reception to we trekked to one of the indoor pools (incidentally where EVERYONE ELSE STAYING THERE WAS OF COURSE) and chilled in the hot tub and whatnot. it was nice.
we got ready for the reception and headed over to the mansion. we had the entire first floor and the patio/balcony area that overlooked the ocean.i saw my boss and got to meet her husband. eventually met the others on my team and basically we all hung together most of the night. my coworkers wife and alex really hit it off and bonded about cars and whatnot. go figure! they are great people. trish and larry finally got there a bit later and the first thign she asked me was about the bridge and how i handled it. god i love her.
anyhow, it was a great night, we all went to the pub downstairs after and it was god to meet more people that i work with! crazy you know?
the next morning we met trish and larry to go have breakfast. where we also met up with my boss and her husband. we all talked about our plans for the day, since we didn't have a company event until 3pm. trish and i took off to get pedicures. the boys immediately went their own ways (boys are funny that way). we all met up for some pool time, it was a gorgeous day. then before we knew it it was time to head to the clambake.
the owner of my company gave a little talk and i realized how lucky i was to be part of a company where the employees are appreciated. it also made me REALLY realize just HOW crappy my last position was. alex and i both commented on that when we was done speaking.
there was food and drink aplenty then on to the beach for a fire and games. they even had a guy out there singing and playing the guitar. a few of us had a running bet on how many jimmy buffet songs he'd actually play.
then we moved to the tent for dancing and dessert. we were all going to head for the pub but there were FOUR weddings on premises that day so it was a bit packed. no matter, most people were leaving early in the morning so we left. by this time it was about 1am and we were starving. (having eaten at 3) so the 4 of us took off to find food. only everything closes in that area at like 9pm. we managed to find some pretty decent chinese food and then called it a night.
met trish and larry again for breakfast before we parted ways. it was sad. i love trish and i've not seen her since she was in my wedding! way way way too long!
we made record time back to boston and then met up with my little brother (since my mother had put the kibosh on it on friday) and ate lunch with him and headed back to logan. now, 2 hours early for detroit was MORE than enough. 2.5 hours for logan? not so much. good thing our plane was late getting in or else we would have missed it.
overall, long days of travel for basically one day at the cape. not complaining though it was a HUGE thing for them to give us and provide. amazing in fact.
it did, however, make us decide not to take a trip for our anniversary. we had wanted to go to seattle or washington or colorado. but it was going to be a 3-day weekend. and to go that far away for 3 days? not so much worth it. especially when we have to pay for things. alot easier when it's all paid for!
so, we'll be laying low. no plans yet, but it's all good. i really can't believe that it's almost been a year!
here's a picture of us getting ready to leave sunday. it was the last one left on the roll of the disposable we've been trying to use up for a year. our brand spanking new fancy camera should be arriving any second via fedex. (working for that big company that alex does has it's perks. :)
8.30.2006
what's that smell?
so i'm in the kitchen toasting my mini bagelm cutting my tomato and peeling my orange while my latte heats up. i'm gazing out the kitchen window listening to the children playing in the yard of the house behind us. it's a lovely morning.
then i'm distracted by a smell... hmm... what is that? smoke! what the heck, is someone BBQing at 8am? wait, i can see some smoke, it's outside the window, it's nearby, it's ... WAIT it's coming from MY kitchen, but the toaster is over on the other side...
OMG my latte maker is smoking!
i switch it off and nonchlalantly call out "honey! my latte maker is broken."
"how do you know?" he answers.
"oh from the smoke billowing out of it."
so of course he has to do his manly duty of inspection to make sure it's not something stupid i did apparently. people, this is the simplest contraption on the face of the earth, i did NOT mess it up.
it also happens to make a pretty decent latte for what it is.
so he poked and prodded and turned it back on and explaimed "yeah this has to go."
so i'm a little sad. apparently we're going shopping today now though!
then i'm distracted by a smell... hmm... what is that? smoke! what the heck, is someone BBQing at 8am? wait, i can see some smoke, it's outside the window, it's nearby, it's ... WAIT it's coming from MY kitchen, but the toaster is over on the other side...
OMG my latte maker is smoking!
i switch it off and nonchlalantly call out "honey! my latte maker is broken."
"how do you know?" he answers.
"oh from the smoke billowing out of it."
so of course he has to do his manly duty of inspection to make sure it's not something stupid i did apparently. people, this is the simplest contraption on the face of the earth, i did NOT mess it up.
it also happens to make a pretty decent latte for what it is.
so he poked and prodded and turned it back on and explaimed "yeah this has to go."
so i'm a little sad. apparently we're going shopping today now though!
8.23.2006
back to normal
haven't written much because frankly there hasn't been much going on.
pretty normal and that's good! i'm finishing up work on the LAST magazine. woo! i'm pretty excited about that. i won't miss this project. i will miss the paychecks, but they just aren't worth it anymore.
we're about to start in on the busy weekends! which is good but also frustrating. people, we NEED to finish the kitchen floor tiling. badly. and before it starts to get cold and since it's michigan that could happen, oh, next week. so that's frustrating me a little bit.
so friday morning we're off to the cape! for a long all-expenses paid weekend sponsored by my new company. this is exciting because well, it's free. it's a trip (to the cape!) and i'll get to meet my co-workers. also, since a very dear frien dof mine is one of my coworkers, it's especially nice. and i have not seenher since she was a bridesmaid in my wedding! also, since we have to fly into boston we get to have lunch with another dear friend who i have not seen since he was one of my MOHs at my wedding! very exciting. i will take photos, i promise. i don't ever take enough photos. i also want to finish a roll that has pictures on in from the trip-from-hell to the place-that-shall-not-be-named, as well as our visit to see my other MOH this summer and pictures from this past weekend when the boys chose to recreate something that alex say on mythbusters. ha. nice.
anyhoo... soon it will also be our anniversary! i can't believe it's almost been a year already. we will be going away for a long weekend that will be a "surprise" for me, altough i've already figure out it will be a sort of scouting mission as well to one of the places we've talked about moving to. so i'm exicited about that as well.
and also, someone's birthday immeditately follows the anniversary and i need to figure out gifts! for both occasions. he is THE hardest person to shop for. ever.
as well, so things are calm and normal and good. i love it!
eek! except for the fact that i thought i was having a good hair day. i think i was wrong!
pretty normal and that's good! i'm finishing up work on the LAST magazine. woo! i'm pretty excited about that. i won't miss this project. i will miss the paychecks, but they just aren't worth it anymore.
we're about to start in on the busy weekends! which is good but also frustrating. people, we NEED to finish the kitchen floor tiling. badly. and before it starts to get cold and since it's michigan that could happen, oh, next week. so that's frustrating me a little bit.
so friday morning we're off to the cape! for a long all-expenses paid weekend sponsored by my new company. this is exciting because well, it's free. it's a trip (to the cape!) and i'll get to meet my co-workers. also, since a very dear frien dof mine is one of my coworkers, it's especially nice. and i have not seenher since she was a bridesmaid in my wedding! also, since we have to fly into boston we get to have lunch with another dear friend who i have not seen since he was one of my MOHs at my wedding! very exciting. i will take photos, i promise. i don't ever take enough photos. i also want to finish a roll that has pictures on in from the trip-from-hell to the place-that-shall-not-be-named, as well as our visit to see my other MOH this summer and pictures from this past weekend when the boys chose to recreate something that alex say on mythbusters. ha. nice.
anyhoo... soon it will also be our anniversary! i can't believe it's almost been a year already. we will be going away for a long weekend that will be a "surprise" for me, altough i've already figure out it will be a sort of scouting mission as well to one of the places we've talked about moving to. so i'm exicited about that as well.
and also, someone's birthday immeditately follows the anniversary and i need to figure out gifts! for both occasions. he is THE hardest person to shop for. ever.
as well, so things are calm and normal and good. i love it!
eek! except for the fact that i thought i was having a good hair day. i think i was wrong!
8.16.2006
probable
prob·a·ble adj.
let's go with the second definition, shall we? yes i think we shall.
well that's the verdict people, i have "probable" ms.
we met with the neurologist yesterday. i love that doctor truly. i am so lucky i got in with him. i'm still not sure how we pulled that off, but i'm ever so thankful.
so after entering his office and sitting at the desk with him he took a deep breath and told me my MRI was completely unchanged.
we even got to look at it on his computer instead of the usual films which i can never really understand. this was like 3d. and it was my brain. so that was a little weird. but still fun. sort of.
he pointed out what was normal and what wasn't. it was great. i thought, whew. we're in the clear.
he examined me (i kicked some serious butt in the exam i'll tell you. (thanks yoga! i missed you and i'm so glad we're friends again)
then he started talking about meds. and if we wanted to start them and went over the whole "there is no cure, only prevention" deal. yes, yes i know.
but, wait. why are we talking meds? i thought i was all set? what's going on. alex grabs my hand. doesn't make me feel very reassured. so i ask him, "do you consider me diagnosed?" suddenly that was really unclear.
he goes on to explain what my friend google had already told me. that there are many levels to diagnosis. there is no definite one, only "clinically-positive" and to be clinically-positive i needed to have a minimum of 5 lesions (which i, in fact, do). and have had at least 2 separate attacks on different areas. that's where it's fuzzy. the optic neuritis was pretty definite but nothing else has been enough to be called an attack so he cannot deem me clinically-diagnosed.
i was, however, diagnosed with "probable ms" and i could start meds if i wanted to.
well, no, thankyouverymuch, i'm not really interested. we had discussed this at length several times and had also discussed it with him several times and we all agree. until i NEED it, we're going to wait. there's a possibility i won't ever need it. there's a possibility i will and we're playing with fire i know.
it also effects other decisions as far as our new little family goes. and if/when we're going to try to do anything about expanding it.
it's always interesting isn't it?
today's pic? proof that my husband is super sweet.
- Likely to happen or to be true.
- Likely but uncertain; plausible.
let's go with the second definition, shall we? yes i think we shall.
well that's the verdict people, i have "probable" ms.
we met with the neurologist yesterday. i love that doctor truly. i am so lucky i got in with him. i'm still not sure how we pulled that off, but i'm ever so thankful.
so after entering his office and sitting at the desk with him he took a deep breath and told me my MRI was completely unchanged.
we even got to look at it on his computer instead of the usual films which i can never really understand. this was like 3d. and it was my brain. so that was a little weird. but still fun. sort of.
he pointed out what was normal and what wasn't. it was great. i thought, whew. we're in the clear.
he examined me (i kicked some serious butt in the exam i'll tell you. (thanks yoga! i missed you and i'm so glad we're friends again)
then he started talking about meds. and if we wanted to start them and went over the whole "there is no cure, only prevention" deal. yes, yes i know.
but, wait. why are we talking meds? i thought i was all set? what's going on. alex grabs my hand. doesn't make me feel very reassured. so i ask him, "do you consider me diagnosed?" suddenly that was really unclear.
he goes on to explain what my friend google had already told me. that there are many levels to diagnosis. there is no definite one, only "clinically-positive" and to be clinically-positive i needed to have a minimum of 5 lesions (which i, in fact, do). and have had at least 2 separate attacks on different areas. that's where it's fuzzy. the optic neuritis was pretty definite but nothing else has been enough to be called an attack so he cannot deem me clinically-diagnosed.
i was, however, diagnosed with "probable ms" and i could start meds if i wanted to.
well, no, thankyouverymuch, i'm not really interested. we had discussed this at length several times and had also discussed it with him several times and we all agree. until i NEED it, we're going to wait. there's a possibility i won't ever need it. there's a possibility i will and we're playing with fire i know.
it also effects other decisions as far as our new little family goes. and if/when we're going to try to do anything about expanding it.
it's always interesting isn't it?
today's pic? proof that my husband is super sweet.
8.14.2006
sobering
we spent the weekend in kentucky visiting alex's brother greg.
this is probably the 4th time in the 3 years that we've been together that we've made the trip. it's not too far, about 4 hours-ish each way. greg is the second oldest of the 7, making him 47 years old, 16 years older than alex. he's a pretty cool guy.
he's also been living with MS for a little over 10 years.
now, i don't know all the details of everyting but i do know that he let the disease progress for awhile before going to the doctor. it had gotten to the point that most people thought he was a raging alcoholic since he'd fall all the time, black out sometimes and just generally was losing it.
it took greg a long time to face it himself. he was also pretty far along by the time ha was diagnosed. when we see him now everyone is very impressed with how he's doing and are quick to remind me i never saw him at his low.
i was, truthfully, very impressed with greg and how he lives on his own (i guess his wife left him after his diagnosis) and manages to get around using the bus system and really, it's quite impressive.
that is, until the time we visited him right after i had my LP. seeing greg then took on a whole new meaning to me. seeing how the MS has effected him. how he repeats things a lot. how eating is very difficult. how he has a hard time walking even with his braces. how one eye doesn't look straight ahead anymore and he can't read things unless they are up close. how he's kind of hard to understand until you get used to the slurry was he talks.
yes, that was a much different visit for me. knowing that could be my future.
then i was diagnosed. then un-diagnosed i guess.
then i had my latest MRI last week. i see the neurologist tomorrow morning. and for some reason i'm not feeling good about it.
seeing greg this weekend was... hard.
it's hard for me not to look at him and see all that he doesn't have now instead of focusing on all his HUGE accomplishments and to be amazed at how far he's come. i know that's not the right attitude, but i just can't shake it.
to hear him talk about his frustrations and what he "used to have" ...
this is probably the 4th time in the 3 years that we've been together that we've made the trip. it's not too far, about 4 hours-ish each way. greg is the second oldest of the 7, making him 47 years old, 16 years older than alex. he's a pretty cool guy.
he's also been living with MS for a little over 10 years.
now, i don't know all the details of everyting but i do know that he let the disease progress for awhile before going to the doctor. it had gotten to the point that most people thought he was a raging alcoholic since he'd fall all the time, black out sometimes and just generally was losing it.
it took greg a long time to face it himself. he was also pretty far along by the time ha was diagnosed. when we see him now everyone is very impressed with how he's doing and are quick to remind me i never saw him at his low.
i was, truthfully, very impressed with greg and how he lives on his own (i guess his wife left him after his diagnosis) and manages to get around using the bus system and really, it's quite impressive.
that is, until the time we visited him right after i had my LP. seeing greg then took on a whole new meaning to me. seeing how the MS has effected him. how he repeats things a lot. how eating is very difficult. how he has a hard time walking even with his braces. how one eye doesn't look straight ahead anymore and he can't read things unless they are up close. how he's kind of hard to understand until you get used to the slurry was he talks.
yes, that was a much different visit for me. knowing that could be my future.
then i was diagnosed. then un-diagnosed i guess.
then i had my latest MRI last week. i see the neurologist tomorrow morning. and for some reason i'm not feeling good about it.
seeing greg this weekend was... hard.
it's hard for me not to look at him and see all that he doesn't have now instead of focusing on all his HUGE accomplishments and to be amazed at how far he's come. i know that's not the right attitude, but i just can't shake it.
to hear him talk about his frustrations and what he "used to have" ...
8.09.2006
he's one of a kind
our cat, griff, is priceless. we rescued him as an abandoned cat that a friend of alex's had found. he's so sweet. he's deaf and has TWO extra toes on each front paw and one on each back paw. he's also huge. and not fat, just a really BIG cat. he's all muscle.
we had to bring him to the vet yesterday for shots and nail trimming. i got the cat bag out to get ready. as we were getting ready to go we couldn't find him. now it's been a long time since he's "gone for a ride" so we didn't think he'd be avoiding the bag the way isaac was.
after a few minutes we found him.
guess he was ready to go!
we had to bring him to the vet yesterday for shots and nail trimming. i got the cat bag out to get ready. as we were getting ready to go we couldn't find him. now it's been a long time since he's "gone for a ride" so we didn't think he'd be avoiding the bag the way isaac was.
after a few minutes we found him.
guess he was ready to go!
7.31.2006
everyone has their 'thing'
and one of our 'things' are when we feel we have eaten too much we call ourselves a "piggie pig pig pig." don't ask. we're crazy. i know that. but we find it hilarious. we also say it while poking ourselves in the belly.
have i also ever mentioned that i must have things in odd numbers? we can buy one, three, or five of something, etc. like candles, or candleholder have to have places for an odd number of candles.
escecially three. i love things in threes. like i said, crazy.
oh and tiny things. love them. no idea why. if i ever have a child i'm going to be out of control buying so many little tiny things. i love them. alex has a hard time getting me away from them. imagine when i have an excuse?
so, a few weeks ago we were downtown and we went into one of my favorite stores on main street and bought a few things. things i HAD to have. you know how it is.
one of these things was a 3-legged good luck pig.
need i explain how much i HAD TO OWN this little piggie pig pig pig? no, i didn't think so.
have i also ever mentioned that i must have things in odd numbers? we can buy one, three, or five of something, etc. like candles, or candleholder have to have places for an odd number of candles.
escecially three. i love things in threes. like i said, crazy.
oh and tiny things. love them. no idea why. if i ever have a child i'm going to be out of control buying so many little tiny things. i love them. alex has a hard time getting me away from them. imagine when i have an excuse?
so, a few weeks ago we were downtown and we went into one of my favorite stores on main street and bought a few things. things i HAD to have. you know how it is.
one of these things was a 3-legged good luck pig.
need i explain how much i HAD TO OWN this little piggie pig pig pig? no, i didn't think so.
7.28.2006
damn
thanks for the link irish. not sure i beleive it. i'm close to being a liar, see, like i said i was!
| Your EQ is 147 |
 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. |
i'm a liar
see, i said i was going to post everyday. i lied. things have been crazy busy at work and since i'm still in that "trying to make a good impression" phase, i'm trying as hard as i can to do a good job. not that i normally don't, but they are all still getting used to me. i want their impression to be good. you know?
we've been wrangling with insirance issues. my er trip may or may not be covered. i also have this extra "accident" policy which is pretty cool and covered things like, say, your er deductible if you go for an accident. you know, random example. well turns out someone had to come here to have me fill out the paperwork (it's state-specific) so we're not actually covered on that until aug 1 so we'll miss out on that too.
and the new ins? won't let me get an mri. not "medically necessary." now, i ask you, a diagnosis of possible ms isn't "medically necessary" uh huh. i see.
good news is alex's company offers our old insurance as an option, so we're gonna go back on that. *hopefully* even with the lapse, all of my pre-authorizations will still hold. i won't be having my mri tomorrow as planned, but hopefully next week when we're all official. i hope so because if i have to reschedule my appt with my neurologist i'm screwed. he schedules like 6 months out. seriously.
hopefully it will all work out and we'll have no problems. (see! that's me being optimistic!!! weird, huh? yeah, i thought so too.)
anyhow. i also had to give another speech this week to a bariatic surgery information group. some are pre-op, some newly post-op, a bunch were about 6 mos out, i think 1 was a year out. i've done this twice before. both times it was really informal. 10 or so people. kind of like a q&a session. no big. i called the head of the group about 3pm to verify the location of the room we'd be meeting in. keep in mind she scheduled me for this MONTHS ago.
so i call her and she says "ok, so many people are coming that we're going to be in the auditorium. they're all really excited to hear you. i've told them now inspirational you are. oh, and how long is your presentation?" all i heard was AUDITORIUM and PRESENTATION. huh? what? oh god.
so i was a little freaked. i made alex drive while i frantically scribbled notes about topics i wanted to cover. i was more than a little nervous.
of course it was fine. although there WAS a microphone invovled people. my pictures were projected on a screen behind me. there were probably about 50-60 people there. and only 2-3 knew me from before. (this isn't the place i had surgery, but the woman who was the head of mine moved and started this one and she asked me to be invovled. and i love it. except i can't really be totally invovled since i did not have surgery there per se. like i can't be in advertising or anything, which truly is what i'd like to do. she had asked me to be in ads for my group... right before she left. of course. and i have no ties to them anymore, even my own surgeon left that group. ah well.) so anyway, when my before picture went up there were gasps, there was a general hush and murmurs. i tell you, that in and of itself makes it worth it. truly. it never gets old.
so it went fine. i talked a little more than an hour. alex was there working the pictures and chiming in when appropriate. there were questions and then people came up to talk to me privately after, as i expected they would. several called me their hero. that was weird. but 2 years ago i would have been in awe of me too.
so that's all i've got for today. i'll close with a related photo. post-monthly-b12 shot. one of those things i'll be doing for the rest of my life :)
we've been wrangling with insirance issues. my er trip may or may not be covered. i also have this extra "accident" policy which is pretty cool and covered things like, say, your er deductible if you go for an accident. you know, random example. well turns out someone had to come here to have me fill out the paperwork (it's state-specific) so we're not actually covered on that until aug 1 so we'll miss out on that too.
and the new ins? won't let me get an mri. not "medically necessary." now, i ask you, a diagnosis of possible ms isn't "medically necessary" uh huh. i see.
good news is alex's company offers our old insurance as an option, so we're gonna go back on that. *hopefully* even with the lapse, all of my pre-authorizations will still hold. i won't be having my mri tomorrow as planned, but hopefully next week when we're all official. i hope so because if i have to reschedule my appt with my neurologist i'm screwed. he schedules like 6 months out. seriously.
hopefully it will all work out and we'll have no problems. (see! that's me being optimistic!!! weird, huh? yeah, i thought so too.)
anyhow. i also had to give another speech this week to a bariatic surgery information group. some are pre-op, some newly post-op, a bunch were about 6 mos out, i think 1 was a year out. i've done this twice before. both times it was really informal. 10 or so people. kind of like a q&a session. no big. i called the head of the group about 3pm to verify the location of the room we'd be meeting in. keep in mind she scheduled me for this MONTHS ago.
so i call her and she says "ok, so many people are coming that we're going to be in the auditorium. they're all really excited to hear you. i've told them now inspirational you are. oh, and how long is your presentation?" all i heard was AUDITORIUM and PRESENTATION. huh? what? oh god.
so i was a little freaked. i made alex drive while i frantically scribbled notes about topics i wanted to cover. i was more than a little nervous.
of course it was fine. although there WAS a microphone invovled people. my pictures were projected on a screen behind me. there were probably about 50-60 people there. and only 2-3 knew me from before. (this isn't the place i had surgery, but the woman who was the head of mine moved and started this one and she asked me to be invovled. and i love it. except i can't really be totally invovled since i did not have surgery there per se. like i can't be in advertising or anything, which truly is what i'd like to do. she had asked me to be in ads for my group... right before she left. of course. and i have no ties to them anymore, even my own surgeon left that group. ah well.) so anyway, when my before picture went up there were gasps, there was a general hush and murmurs. i tell you, that in and of itself makes it worth it. truly. it never gets old.
so it went fine. i talked a little more than an hour. alex was there working the pictures and chiming in when appropriate. there were questions and then people came up to talk to me privately after, as i expected they would. several called me their hero. that was weird. but 2 years ago i would have been in awe of me too.
so that's all i've got for today. i'll close with a related photo. post-monthly-b12 shot. one of those things i'll be doing for the rest of my life :)
7.20.2006
all gone
so i didn't write about our "excitement" over the weekend.
saturday night we had watched a dvd (clerks, in prep for clerks 2, since -- much to alex's horror -- i had not seen it before.)
at any rate. we're getting ready to head up to bed and i realize there is laundry to be brought up. i head down to grab the basket. usually alex doesn't "let" me carry the laundry up the 2 flights, but i guess he forgot this time. at any rate, halfway up from the basement i felt a twinge in my back and by the time i got to the top of the stairs i could no longer carry it. hell, i could barely stand up straight.
let me back up. i'm a klutz. a huge klutz. i fall going up the stairs. if there is something to step on that will hurt/make me trip on the floor or ground i'll find it. we joke about if we lose something on the floor, not to worry, i'll step on it. and inevitably, i do. anyway. back in college i slipped on some ice and fell on my lower back. and ever since i'll have back problems sometimes. i have a herniated disk, my last one. and every now and again i'll do something stupid and throw it out. i know what to do to fix it though usually when it's my lower back. i know the exercises and taking NSAIDS usually resolves itself. once i had to talk with a cane for a week. once i even had to call and ambulance to get to the hospital since i could not move. back pain effs you up. like nothing else.
well loving 200+ pounds certainly has helped my back. also the yoga and activity level we've had the last two years.
well, we haven't been to yoga in a few months. and this pain on saturday? it wasn't my lower back. it was my mid back on the left side. but, being the back-pain veteran i am i let alex help me to bed and figured i'd take some tylenol and see how it worked itself out. no, i can no longer take NSAIDs because of my bypass. and yes, that does suck.
you know what else sucks? i had about a gallon of liquid vicodin that they discharged me from the hospital with after my bypass that i never opened. it was in the medicine cabinet since. we just got rid of it. last week.
this goes to show you how bad the back pain was. i was willing to take liquid vicodin, but i didn?t' take any after they cut open my stomach with an 8inch incision and rerouted my intestines. i digress.
anyhow, about 2 am i'm trashing about since it hurts. so. much. no position is ok for more than 1.5 minutes. the spasms wave through my chest, it makes breathing difficult. alex suggests lying on the floor might be better. seems reasonable. but that was such a mistake, just getting on my knees had be sobbing. and him freaking out. he got me somewhat settled on the floor and ran out saying he'd "be right back."
i knew what he was doing. trying to call our new insurance to see if we were covered. we were supposed to be as of july 1. but we didn't have cards yet. we had gotten temporary insurance for the 2-week gap when we wouldn't have any insurance. that expired on the 15th. being 3am at this point, it was officially the 16th. figures. only i have luck like this.
finally he decides who cares, we're going to the ER anyway. we should be covered. we made the long trek to the car and over to st. joe's. where we waited. for 3.5 hours.
but before waiting i was triaged, of course. the nurse asks if i'm allergic to any meds and i give the standard "no, but i cannot take NSAIDs due to my gastric bypass" to this she pauses. lets it register. turns to me and looks at me in disbelief "you had a bypass? you're so tiny!" and i answer, "well yeah, but it was 2 years ago. isn't that kinda the idea of having one?"
anyway, after the 3.5-hour wait we're seen by a resident who has the same reaction regarding the bypass. "wow, it really worked for you, huh?" she says it's probably just a muscle stain, and wants a urine sample and says the doctor will be in shortly.
then the doctor comes in. love her! she was so great. she tells me how NSAIDs would be the best but since i can't take them she's going to give me a vicodin/valium cocktail that i'm promised will kick in within 30 minutes. however, she can't send me home with both because "someone as small and petite as yourself shouldn't take both since it could cause breathing problems." seriously, at this point alex and just stat laughing. petite? me? c'mon.
anyhow, they sent me home with valium. which seems weird to me, but it works. but now i'm out. i'm hoping when i go see my pcp tomorrow for my b12 shot they'll give me a refill. of course i do have temporary ins cards now. i just called the hospital to give them the info so hopefully we won't get billed and it will go smoothly. also, have to see if i can keep my MRI that's scheduled for the 29th. i've started that process.
what's more fun? we might switch insurance AGAIN with alex's job transfer. it might make more sense $$ wise.
so, this is what this weekend has taught us:
1. laundry is off limits to me
2. we're going back to yoga. tonight (if i think i can handle it.)
hey, both of those are good by me! let's hope i can get a few more nuggets of goodness. for when this happens again. because we all know it will. it's me.
saturday night we had watched a dvd (clerks, in prep for clerks 2, since -- much to alex's horror -- i had not seen it before.)
at any rate. we're getting ready to head up to bed and i realize there is laundry to be brought up. i head down to grab the basket. usually alex doesn't "let" me carry the laundry up the 2 flights, but i guess he forgot this time. at any rate, halfway up from the basement i felt a twinge in my back and by the time i got to the top of the stairs i could no longer carry it. hell, i could barely stand up straight.
let me back up. i'm a klutz. a huge klutz. i fall going up the stairs. if there is something to step on that will hurt/make me trip on the floor or ground i'll find it. we joke about if we lose something on the floor, not to worry, i'll step on it. and inevitably, i do. anyway. back in college i slipped on some ice and fell on my lower back. and ever since i'll have back problems sometimes. i have a herniated disk, my last one. and every now and again i'll do something stupid and throw it out. i know what to do to fix it though usually when it's my lower back. i know the exercises and taking NSAIDS usually resolves itself. once i had to talk with a cane for a week. once i even had to call and ambulance to get to the hospital since i could not move. back pain effs you up. like nothing else.
well loving 200+ pounds certainly has helped my back. also the yoga and activity level we've had the last two years.
well, we haven't been to yoga in a few months. and this pain on saturday? it wasn't my lower back. it was my mid back on the left side. but, being the back-pain veteran i am i let alex help me to bed and figured i'd take some tylenol and see how it worked itself out. no, i can no longer take NSAIDs because of my bypass. and yes, that does suck.
you know what else sucks? i had about a gallon of liquid vicodin that they discharged me from the hospital with after my bypass that i never opened. it was in the medicine cabinet since. we just got rid of it. last week.
this goes to show you how bad the back pain was. i was willing to take liquid vicodin, but i didn?t' take any after they cut open my stomach with an 8inch incision and rerouted my intestines. i digress.
anyhow, about 2 am i'm trashing about since it hurts. so. much. no position is ok for more than 1.5 minutes. the spasms wave through my chest, it makes breathing difficult. alex suggests lying on the floor might be better. seems reasonable. but that was such a mistake, just getting on my knees had be sobbing. and him freaking out. he got me somewhat settled on the floor and ran out saying he'd "be right back."
i knew what he was doing. trying to call our new insurance to see if we were covered. we were supposed to be as of july 1. but we didn't have cards yet. we had gotten temporary insurance for the 2-week gap when we wouldn't have any insurance. that expired on the 15th. being 3am at this point, it was officially the 16th. figures. only i have luck like this.
finally he decides who cares, we're going to the ER anyway. we should be covered. we made the long trek to the car and over to st. joe's. where we waited. for 3.5 hours.
but before waiting i was triaged, of course. the nurse asks if i'm allergic to any meds and i give the standard "no, but i cannot take NSAIDs due to my gastric bypass" to this she pauses. lets it register. turns to me and looks at me in disbelief "you had a bypass? you're so tiny!" and i answer, "well yeah, but it was 2 years ago. isn't that kinda the idea of having one?"
anyway, after the 3.5-hour wait we're seen by a resident who has the same reaction regarding the bypass. "wow, it really worked for you, huh?" she says it's probably just a muscle stain, and wants a urine sample and says the doctor will be in shortly.
then the doctor comes in. love her! she was so great. she tells me how NSAIDs would be the best but since i can't take them she's going to give me a vicodin/valium cocktail that i'm promised will kick in within 30 minutes. however, she can't send me home with both because "someone as small and petite as yourself shouldn't take both since it could cause breathing problems." seriously, at this point alex and just stat laughing. petite? me? c'mon.
anyhow, they sent me home with valium. which seems weird to me, but it works. but now i'm out. i'm hoping when i go see my pcp tomorrow for my b12 shot they'll give me a refill. of course i do have temporary ins cards now. i just called the hospital to give them the info so hopefully we won't get billed and it will go smoothly. also, have to see if i can keep my MRI that's scheduled for the 29th. i've started that process.
what's more fun? we might switch insurance AGAIN with alex's job transfer. it might make more sense $$ wise.
so, this is what this weekend has taught us:
1. laundry is off limits to me
2. we're going back to yoga. tonight (if i think i can handle it.)
hey, both of those are good by me! let's hope i can get a few more nuggets of goodness. for when this happens again. because we all know it will. it's me.
7.18.2006
yikes!
so much celebrating was to be done yesterday. my husband has been contracted to a rather large company for the last 5 years and was finally hired in yesterday as an official employee. it's been in the works for awhile. and we knew it was happening. but, at his contract company he's been at the top of the payscale for a long time. and they lowered all the salaries for starting employees. which meant he could never get a raise, but at least they never cut his pay either. and we were worried what the official offer would be.
he finally got it yesterday and it's all good! when i got my new job we went out to dinner to celebrate. we went out to dinner for him too, but somehow... he ended up with a new toy as well. i didn't get a new toy! :(
he's like a little kid in a candy store and i love it. i love how happy it makes him. he's worked really hard the last few years to get where he is in the company and this is just further proof as how far he's come.
it is, however, a bit fast. and i wasterrified a bit surprised as the salesman drove us up the street in it. he promised once alex drove it he wouldn't want anything else. and he was right. unfortunately they have to find the right color combo at another dealer so somebodyneeds to be patient for a few days. and that is not a strong suit for either of us!
so, er, i'm a little scared, but so happy for him!
he finally got it yesterday and it's all good! when i got my new job we went out to dinner to celebrate. we went out to dinner for him too, but somehow... he ended up with a new toy as well. i didn't get a new toy! :(
he's like a little kid in a candy store and i love it. i love how happy it makes him. he's worked really hard the last few years to get where he is in the company and this is just further proof as how far he's come.
it is, however, a bit fast. and i was
so, er, i'm a little scared, but so happy for him!
7.17.2006
i'm one of *those* people
ok. i gave in. i have a bluetooth head set now. i did not want one. i fought it. but the conference calls at work... it was necessary. and can i tell you a secret? i love it. i'm not good at getting it on quickly. but it's really great. certainly not cheap, but hell, they paid for it so i'm not complaining.
i have a lot to write about, like our visit to the ER this wknd. but not now. don't have the energy.
and i have a call in a few minutes. :)
i have a lot to write about, like our visit to the ER this wknd. but not now. don't have the energy.
and i have a call in a few minutes. :)
7.14.2006
happy day~
music DOES always help, doesn't it?
that and a trip to the water park near our house last night. so much fun! i forget that it's so close and so cheap! we both needed a little fun in the water last night.
plus i helped out on a problem at work, yay! points for me!
AND my new laptop bag is here! how much do i LOVE IT!
that and a trip to the water park near our house last night. so much fun! i forget that it's so close and so cheap! we both needed a little fun in the water last night.
plus i helped out on a problem at work, yay! points for me!
AND my new laptop bag is here! how much do i LOVE IT!
7.13.2006
melancholy
so i wanted to finish my post about jury duty but eh. i'm over it.
well, mostly. except for one minor detail that i have not shared with anyone.
i figured out why i was SO riled up about this case. i figured it out when i was home and unreasonably upset that the guy did not get convicted. so mcuh so i could not sleep. then i realized why.
basicaly the same thing happened to me. and i was 14 (like her). and he was 22 (like the guy). only it was letters (not IM) and we did meet. when i was 16. he came to my house (he lives in louisana and i was in nh then). and he forced himself on me.
it's not as bad as it sounds, it wasn't violent. i did cry. i did try to stop him. but i did feel like i owed him something thing, and i wasn't strong enough to fight him off.
it was wrong then and it was wrong in this case too. and i guess i wanted someone to pay. since i feel like no one ever did in my situtation either. and i know this event is part of the reason my mother and i never had a closer realtionship. i always felt like she shoud have protected me. and she never -- to this day -- has ever wanted to talk about what happened or even acknowledged it.
but i know she knows.
so today, i'm sad.
well, mostly. except for one minor detail that i have not shared with anyone.
i figured out why i was SO riled up about this case. i figured it out when i was home and unreasonably upset that the guy did not get convicted. so mcuh so i could not sleep. then i realized why.
basicaly the same thing happened to me. and i was 14 (like her). and he was 22 (like the guy). only it was letters (not IM) and we did meet. when i was 16. he came to my house (he lives in louisana and i was in nh then). and he forced himself on me.
it's not as bad as it sounds, it wasn't violent. i did cry. i did try to stop him. but i did feel like i owed him something thing, and i wasn't strong enough to fight him off.
it was wrong then and it was wrong in this case too. and i guess i wanted someone to pay. since i feel like no one ever did in my situtation either. and i know this event is part of the reason my mother and i never had a closer realtionship. i always felt like she shoud have protected me. and she never -- to this day -- has ever wanted to talk about what happened or even acknowledged it.
but i know she knows.
so today, i'm sad.
7.12.2006
fun with my new laptop
awww yeah. i have an application on my new laptop called photobooth. it's the funnest ever. (yes, i know i need to get out more.)
but see, it will inspire me to post more. i can put a picture up! you can all see me everyday, i can pretend i have an office, yes, yes that's it.
here's one of my little helpers. he freaked when he saw himself on screen. ha!
love it!
but see, it will inspire me to post more. i can put a picture up! you can all see me everyday, i can pretend i have an office, yes, yes that's it.
here's one of my little helpers. he freaked when he saw himself on screen. ha!
love it!
7.05.2006
posting
why is it when the most exciting stuff if going on you have no time to write about it?
so i've started my new job. i was in ct for 4 days. it was a little overwhelming, especially since they gave me a project the first day to start on!
the good stuff was that i got to see melissa a bunch and also my friend holly who i have not seen in like 5 or 6 years. i also got to meet her brand new 6 week old twins! i can't believe that holly has 2 babies! so surreal. i love her though and i missed her so much. it was like no time had passed since seeing each other at all we just talked abnd talked and talked. i love friends like that and it seems that i'm so far away from them all :(
we ended up spending the night hanging out with melissa after and eating good-for-you pizza and drinking wine and it was so much fun. as they talked about getting together more often (since they live less than 10 mins apart) i begged them to just conference me in so i could pretend i was there. i really do miss my friends so much.
i came back thursday night and then worked from home the first day on friday. it was good. a little stressful since i had so much to do, i was trying to get this one project mostly done that day since i had JURY DUTY the following week. i had hoped i would not be on a case, esp since it was my second day of work but, knowing my luck, i knew i could not count on that.
and guess what? i was right. i should have known it wasn't a good sign when my juror number was 645 and when i called that weekend they were calling jurors number 1 through..... 645. of course.
so i reported for jury duty monday morning. it was my first time. before they called anyone they gave us all this survey that some grad student had put together and it was really very interesting. it bascially asked you how often you watched all these certain law shows and then asked a bunch of questions about the law and stuff. i leaned that one 1.) i watch WAY too many law-themed shows and 2.) it REALLY colors what i think about the law. really. i thought i was pretty intelligent, but i could totally see the point of the survey. scary.
anyway... so they tell us then that they are picking 3 panels that day. if you don't get picked, you're done and you're free to go. they pick 28 per panel. i was picked for the first panel.
so we all go down to the courtroom and the judge and the prosecutor and the defense were there. along with the guy on trial. that seemed weird to me. at any rate, they pick 14 of us (of which i am not one) and begin with their questions. one chick got dismissed right away due to the schedule. and i was called to replace her.
ah, fitting that i will have to finish this later, given how i started it :) work calls and since i've been off for, oh, 7 days (not counting weekends!) i had better get to it!
so i've started my new job. i was in ct for 4 days. it was a little overwhelming, especially since they gave me a project the first day to start on!
the good stuff was that i got to see melissa a bunch and also my friend holly who i have not seen in like 5 or 6 years. i also got to meet her brand new 6 week old twins! i can't believe that holly has 2 babies! so surreal. i love her though and i missed her so much. it was like no time had passed since seeing each other at all we just talked abnd talked and talked. i love friends like that and it seems that i'm so far away from them all :(
we ended up spending the night hanging out with melissa after and eating good-for-you pizza and drinking wine and it was so much fun. as they talked about getting together more often (since they live less than 10 mins apart) i begged them to just conference me in so i could pretend i was there. i really do miss my friends so much.
i came back thursday night and then worked from home the first day on friday. it was good. a little stressful since i had so much to do, i was trying to get this one project mostly done that day since i had JURY DUTY the following week. i had hoped i would not be on a case, esp since it was my second day of work but, knowing my luck, i knew i could not count on that.
and guess what? i was right. i should have known it wasn't a good sign when my juror number was 645 and when i called that weekend they were calling jurors number 1 through..... 645. of course.
so i reported for jury duty monday morning. it was my first time. before they called anyone they gave us all this survey that some grad student had put together and it was really very interesting. it bascially asked you how often you watched all these certain law shows and then asked a bunch of questions about the law and stuff. i leaned that one 1.) i watch WAY too many law-themed shows and 2.) it REALLY colors what i think about the law. really. i thought i was pretty intelligent, but i could totally see the point of the survey. scary.
anyway... so they tell us then that they are picking 3 panels that day. if you don't get picked, you're done and you're free to go. they pick 28 per panel. i was picked for the first panel.
so we all go down to the courtroom and the judge and the prosecutor and the defense were there. along with the guy on trial. that seemed weird to me. at any rate, they pick 14 of us (of which i am not one) and begin with their questions. one chick got dismissed right away due to the schedule. and i was called to replace her.
ah, fitting that i will have to finish this later, given how i started it :) work calls and since i've been off for, oh, 7 days (not counting weekends!) i had better get to it!
6.14.2006
in which i start to freak out
tomorrow is my last day here at my current job. as i was sitting in the parking lot that is 94 i was thinking, wow you're not all wound up about the traffic this morning. why is that? oh right. tomorrow is the last morning you'll have to do this. wait... TOMORROW IS THE LAST MORNING YOU'LL HAVE TO DO THIS! yikes!
so i took a new job. and i start monday. what does this mean? well is means i have to finish getting the office in shape this weekend. it means that i will travel to CT next week. it means I WILL NO LONGER WORK IN AN OFFICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
ok this is all really surreal. i mean, it's good. it's a big raise (but not all that thrilling really since i was severely underpaid for my skills here ), it's a slightly new area of design for me so it will bescary as hell challenging. but as i said, i already did a small project for them and i really liked it and really got into it and as a result of that work i got the offer i wanted (even a little more). so that means i'll be good, right? i am so freaking out.
and i'm a planner people. i like plans. i like knowing what's happening next. i think that my life was in limbo for so many years that the order and planning just makes me happy. make no mistake, at first the order and calm kinda freaked me out but now i love it. every afternoon around 3 alex and start talking over IM for what The Plan is for the night. Everyday we do this. My point is that my new company is, shall we say, sparse in the communication area. For example, when I got the offer, I asked for a few days to go over it all. The guy who sent it to me was going to be on vacation the week my response was due. I asked him who I should send it to. He told me himself, the company president and the HR contact. So that's what I did. The only response I received at all was from the HR lady with some information for me and questions so they could book my travel.
now... you'd think the guy that was on vacation might have contacted me when he got back. maybe a little "hey, glad you're joining us" or whatever. something. some acknowledgment. and, um, travel? huh? what are you talking about? travel where? (see this is why i feel a little out of the loop.)
after i sent my acceptance letter i contacted the woman who i will be working with and with whom i worked on that project with. i let her know i had accepted and she was really excited. even told me i made her day. which, in truth, did make me feel better. this was about 30 second after i hit "send" on the acceptance and as i'm talking to her, she says she's gotten another IM saying that i was starting the 19th. now see, here's another point! we had not discussed a start date. in my acceptance, i asked if the 19th was ok with them. NO ONE REPLIED TO IT. and here they're telling my new coworker that's my start date. it's weird, right?
so my coworker tells me they will fly in my whole team so we can meet each other. that's the travel they are talking about. well that's cool, right? so that's why i'll be in CT next monday through thursday. but since then? no word. none. what is The Plan? what will i be doing there? i mean they expect me to work i suppose, but what will i need to bring with me? who will i report to while there? i mean, i need details! also, what do i wear?!?!? i have to pack for 4 days at a new office, two of those days will be partially spent on a plane. how do you plan for that? think of the shoe issues alone! gah!
so yeah, i'm in meltdown mode. and then once i get back? i'll be working at home with NO HUMAN CONTACT. have i mentioned that??
oh! oh! OH. i forgot the best part ever. health insurance. we are both on the health insurance of my current employer. that ends tomorrow. my new insurance would start july 1. no big deal. only, my current employer has not gotten me any numbers on how much it would cost to keep it for the rest of the month. and my new options? i have the options of a PPO or an HSA. pretty decent options... if you're not me. the PPO looks decent (not sure how many/which doctors i might have to change) but the more i read... there is a $250 copay for MRIs. WTF? i don't pay a dime now on my HMO. $250 EACH? people, do you know many MRIs i have in the course of a year? this is not good.
you might think, as i did, well just go on alex's insurance. no biggie. he went off it since it wasn't free and mine was. but mine is no longer free. so why not? well one reason is that if we're not on his insurance they give us $300/mo in flexible medical spending money. pretty nice! you then might think, as i did, well use that for the MRI copay! perfect! oh wait. not perfect. his company is getting bought out by the end of the month. we have no idea what the new company will offer at all. oh, and there's more, the company he's been contracted to fo the last 5 years will probably hire him on (that would be ideal) so he can skip the other transition altogether. but that won't happen until july or august.
i will not even mention the hell that is the magazine right now. nor the fact that i realized they have been underpaying me all year. or that the schedule is all screwed up. or that i need to probably do the next one and that our next estiamted tax payment is due tomorrow and i almost forgot and that alex's brother wants me to do freelance for his company and that there's some family drama there and that the freidn thing is still going on and that my friend who is dating that friend is moving here next week and that, no, i have still heard nothing from my mother. oh and we're refinancing the house, and no, the tile is not done yet and yes, my husband did rip up the rug in another room (upstairs) when the downstairs is not done and did i mention i will be WORKING FROM HOME COMPLETELY AFTER TOMORROW?
so, in short, there is much going on.
so i took a new job. and i start monday. what does this mean? well is means i have to finish getting the office in shape this weekend. it means that i will travel to CT next week. it means I WILL NO LONGER WORK IN AN OFFICE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
ok this is all really surreal. i mean, it's good. it's a big raise (but not all that thrilling really since i was severely underpaid for my skills here ), it's a slightly new area of design for me so it will be
and i'm a planner people. i like plans. i like knowing what's happening next. i think that my life was in limbo for so many years that the order and planning just makes me happy. make no mistake, at first the order and calm kinda freaked me out but now i love it. every afternoon around 3 alex and start talking over IM for what The Plan is for the night. Everyday we do this. My point is that my new company is, shall we say, sparse in the communication area. For example, when I got the offer, I asked for a few days to go over it all. The guy who sent it to me was going to be on vacation the week my response was due. I asked him who I should send it to. He told me himself, the company president and the HR contact. So that's what I did. The only response I received at all was from the HR lady with some information for me and questions so they could book my travel.
now... you'd think the guy that was on vacation might have contacted me when he got back. maybe a little "hey, glad you're joining us" or whatever. something. some acknowledgment. and, um, travel? huh? what are you talking about? travel where? (see this is why i feel a little out of the loop.)
after i sent my acceptance letter i contacted the woman who i will be working with and with whom i worked on that project with. i let her know i had accepted and she was really excited. even told me i made her day. which, in truth, did make me feel better. this was about 30 second after i hit "send" on the acceptance and as i'm talking to her, she says she's gotten another IM saying that i was starting the 19th. now see, here's another point! we had not discussed a start date. in my acceptance, i asked if the 19th was ok with them. NO ONE REPLIED TO IT. and here they're telling my new coworker that's my start date. it's weird, right?
so my coworker tells me they will fly in my whole team so we can meet each other. that's the travel they are talking about. well that's cool, right? so that's why i'll be in CT next monday through thursday. but since then? no word. none. what is The Plan? what will i be doing there? i mean they expect me to work i suppose, but what will i need to bring with me? who will i report to while there? i mean, i need details! also, what do i wear?!?!? i have to pack for 4 days at a new office, two of those days will be partially spent on a plane. how do you plan for that? think of the shoe issues alone! gah!
so yeah, i'm in meltdown mode. and then once i get back? i'll be working at home with NO HUMAN CONTACT. have i mentioned that??
oh! oh! OH. i forgot the best part ever. health insurance. we are both on the health insurance of my current employer. that ends tomorrow. my new insurance would start july 1. no big deal. only, my current employer has not gotten me any numbers on how much it would cost to keep it for the rest of the month. and my new options? i have the options of a PPO or an HSA. pretty decent options... if you're not me. the PPO looks decent (not sure how many/which doctors i might have to change) but the more i read... there is a $250 copay for MRIs. WTF? i don't pay a dime now on my HMO. $250 EACH? people, do you know many MRIs i have in the course of a year? this is not good.
you might think, as i did, well just go on alex's insurance. no biggie. he went off it since it wasn't free and mine was. but mine is no longer free. so why not? well one reason is that if we're not on his insurance they give us $300/mo in flexible medical spending money. pretty nice! you then might think, as i did, well use that for the MRI copay! perfect! oh wait. not perfect. his company is getting bought out by the end of the month. we have no idea what the new company will offer at all. oh, and there's more, the company he's been contracted to fo the last 5 years will probably hire him on (that would be ideal) so he can skip the other transition altogether. but that won't happen until july or august.
i will not even mention the hell that is the magazine right now. nor the fact that i realized they have been underpaying me all year. or that the schedule is all screwed up. or that i need to probably do the next one and that our next estiamted tax payment is due tomorrow and i almost forgot and that alex's brother wants me to do freelance for his company and that there's some family drama there and that the freidn thing is still going on and that my friend who is dating that friend is moving here next week and that, no, i have still heard nothing from my mother. oh and we're refinancing the house, and no, the tile is not done yet and yes, my husband did rip up the rug in another room (upstairs) when the downstairs is not done and did i mention i will be WORKING FROM HOME COMPLETELY AFTER TOMORROW?
so, in short, there is much going on.
6.02.2006
your friends are your friends until they're not.
wow, so eloquent.
i've had a lot going on in my head lately in regard to friends i wanted to try to sort it all out because talking to people only helps so much. if they know the people it's hard to be honest, if they don't well then they'll side with you or try to be objective and if they don't know the people that gets to be pointless sometimes. and so i've been trying to work it all out myself and getting nowhere fast. then, upon reading another blog, i saw this line and thought, yes. that's it. it's as simple as that.
then i started this whole REALLY LONG post about all the devastation i've had in regard to friends in my life. and about halfway through i was getting way too sad and it was long and only meant something to me i guess.
the gist? throughout my life i've had some very close, very strong friendships that have suddenly ended. and i have no idea why.
i'm in the middle of it again. and it's really tearing me apart. although there is more understanding this time of how it went down, kind of, or at least some of the circumstances, i don't understand how it's come to what it's come to and just what (if anything) I am suposed to do now.
with my history, it's really got me wondering just what it is I keep missing...
i've had a lot going on in my head lately in regard to friends i wanted to try to sort it all out because talking to people only helps so much. if they know the people it's hard to be honest, if they don't well then they'll side with you or try to be objective and if they don't know the people that gets to be pointless sometimes. and so i've been trying to work it all out myself and getting nowhere fast. then, upon reading another blog, i saw this line and thought, yes. that's it. it's as simple as that.
then i started this whole REALLY LONG post about all the devastation i've had in regard to friends in my life. and about halfway through i was getting way too sad and it was long and only meant something to me i guess.
the gist? throughout my life i've had some very close, very strong friendships that have suddenly ended. and i have no idea why.
i'm in the middle of it again. and it's really tearing me apart. although there is more understanding this time of how it went down, kind of, or at least some of the circumstances, i don't understand how it's come to what it's come to and just what (if anything) I am suposed to do now.
with my history, it's really got me wondering just what it is I keep missing...
6.01.2006
when you don't have time to write something meaningful...
... entertain with photos!!
one from a group workout we went to and thoroughly enjoyed. and another from browsing the new local H&M at our mall and deciding it's too trendy for me (or that i am too old).
one from a group workout we went to and thoroughly enjoyed. and another from browsing the new local H&M at our mall and deciding it's too trendy for me (or that i am too old).
5.30.2006
somethig easy
when you jsut don't have enough time, or quite have all the infomration forthe ppost you really want to do, go with a meme! thanks irish girl!
I AM: a smartass, plain and simple
I SAID: i would never set foot in CT again, but i did.
I WANT: to be happy and to have those around me happy as well
I WISH: big decisions were easy to make
I HATE: stress.
I MISS: all my friends that are so far away
I FEAR: spiders
I HEAR: keyboards clicking away and a meeting going on in the conference room.
I WONDER: what will happen with my job situation
I REGRET: the things that have happened with my mom
I AM NOT: confident anough
I DANCE: when i am happy.
I SING: in the car. always.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: subtle, especially when it counts
I MADE: a lot of really great canges in my life over the last few years
I WRITE: not as well as i wish i did
I SHOULD: be working instead of doing this!
I START: a new phase i my life.... soon
I FINISH: when i start out to do. most of the time!
I BELIEVE: everything happens for a reason, i have to. i've been through some really nasty things.
I KNOW: how lucky I am.
I CAN: learn just about anythig if i set my mind to it
I CANT: stand bing in a state of limbo
I SEE: without glasses now!
I BLOG: not enough. i'm not that interesting!
I READ: blogs, US weekly, books when it peaks my interest.
I AM AROUSED BY: my husband
IT PISSES ME OFF: when peopel try to make themselves feel superior by cutting others down
I FIND: if you take time to think things over the solution usually presents itself
I LIKE: sunshine and warm weather!
I LOVE: alex and evey part of my new family here.
I AM: a smartass, plain and simple
I SAID: i would never set foot in CT again, but i did.
I WANT: to be happy and to have those around me happy as well
I WISH: big decisions were easy to make
I HATE: stress.
I MISS: all my friends that are so far away
I FEAR: spiders
I HEAR: keyboards clicking away and a meeting going on in the conference room.
I WONDER: what will happen with my job situation
I REGRET: the things that have happened with my mom
I AM NOT: confident anough
I DANCE: when i am happy.
I SING: in the car. always.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: subtle, especially when it counts
I MADE: a lot of really great canges in my life over the last few years
I WRITE: not as well as i wish i did
I SHOULD: be working instead of doing this!
I START: a new phase i my life.... soon
I FINISH: when i start out to do. most of the time!
I BELIEVE: everything happens for a reason, i have to. i've been through some really nasty things.
I KNOW: how lucky I am.
I CAN: learn just about anythig if i set my mind to it
I CANT: stand bing in a state of limbo
I SEE: without glasses now!
I BLOG: not enough. i'm not that interesting!
I READ: blogs, US weekly, books when it peaks my interest.
I AM AROUSED BY: my husband
IT PISSES ME OFF: when peopel try to make themselves feel superior by cutting others down
I FIND: if you take time to think things over the solution usually presents itself
I LIKE: sunshine and warm weather!
I LOVE: alex and evey part of my new family here.
5.23.2006
much as i expected
remind me to never take the last appointment of the day again. we had to wait almost an hour. i totally understand that it happens though, i wasn't mad. just hungry, but aren't i always :) things get dicey if i don't get my afternoon snack.
anyway, so i really love my neurologist he's awesome. very old school, for lack of a better way to describe it. i mean, there he is with his computer bringing everything up on the screen but then he'll sit back and look at us and just say "so how are you? tell me how things are and how you've been feeling" it's just... nice! you know?
anyway... so nothing really new. he said my exam was really good and that i looked great and healthy and all that. we talked about my episodes of panic attacks -- we think that's what they were anyway -- and he made note and seemed intrigued. we talked about holding off on my next leg surgery. which really bums me out but i recognize it's not worth it right now and if he tells me to wait i'll wait.
things i did not expect? well when he was doing my eye tests he seemed not happy with something he saw in my right eye. he checked it a few times then asked me where the neuritis had been worse. i couldn't remember. how sad is that? so he looked it up and confirmed it had been the right. once he confirmed that he didn't elaborate any further but there was something. he could have just seen the scarring, but still. that caught me a little off guard.
the other thing is that he told us last time that i'd basically see him every 6 months, doing MRIs at 6 month or 1 year intervals depending on if i had a recurrence of any symptoms or anything new. so he scheduled a new set for july... ok. but the thing that threw me is that he made a follow up appointment with me for august following the set. last time he did not do that. it was just "i'll call if there's anything but i don't expect anything so don't worry about it" kind of thing. the fact that he's already scheduled the follow up, on top of the eye thing, makes me think that he's expecting to need to discuss something. especially since he did mention treatment... if the MRI shows anything.
yeah, i'm a worrier, i know. and maybe it's nothing, but it's enough of a shift in how it has been that makes me kind of pause to think about it.
anyway, so i really love my neurologist he's awesome. very old school, for lack of a better way to describe it. i mean, there he is with his computer bringing everything up on the screen but then he'll sit back and look at us and just say "so how are you? tell me how things are and how you've been feeling" it's just... nice! you know?
anyway... so nothing really new. he said my exam was really good and that i looked great and healthy and all that. we talked about my episodes of panic attacks -- we think that's what they were anyway -- and he made note and seemed intrigued. we talked about holding off on my next leg surgery. which really bums me out but i recognize it's not worth it right now and if he tells me to wait i'll wait.
things i did not expect? well when he was doing my eye tests he seemed not happy with something he saw in my right eye. he checked it a few times then asked me where the neuritis had been worse. i couldn't remember. how sad is that? so he looked it up and confirmed it had been the right. once he confirmed that he didn't elaborate any further but there was something. he could have just seen the scarring, but still. that caught me a little off guard.
the other thing is that he told us last time that i'd basically see him every 6 months, doing MRIs at 6 month or 1 year intervals depending on if i had a recurrence of any symptoms or anything new. so he scheduled a new set for july... ok. but the thing that threw me is that he made a follow up appointment with me for august following the set. last time he did not do that. it was just "i'll call if there's anything but i don't expect anything so don't worry about it" kind of thing. the fact that he's already scheduled the follow up, on top of the eye thing, makes me think that he's expecting to need to discuss something. especially since he did mention treatment... if the MRI shows anything.
yeah, i'm a worrier, i know. and maybe it's nothing, but it's enough of a shift in how it has been that makes me kind of pause to think about it.
5.19.2006
this always seems to come in spurts
i wish i was better about updating more regularly, but it's not like there's all that much going on.
i feel like i'm in a state of limbo right now. the magazine -- the last one i'm contracted to do -- was supposed to have been done over a month ago... and it STILL hasn't started! this is really going to start cutting into my good weather time. i'd much rather be working on it say, while we've had 17 days of rain and it's 50 degrees. ah, figures. i'd really like to think that this will be my last one. that i can give up that particular gig... but the money is so good for what it is. sure, it takes up my life while i'm working on it, but it's only really 3 months out of the year. decisions, decisions.
speaking of decisions i haven't made any in regard to jobs. our office moved last week. the new space is nice, definitely better than what we had. almost as cool as the space we used to have downtown when i worked here back in 99. i've certainly been busy, with one of the designers leaving. but do i want to stay here? I don't know. i really do think i'd like the new gig but that's in a weird place right now. i finished that one side project they gave me. they've offered me to work on another one. which i'm not sure i'd be able to do, assuming the magazine will start anyminutenow. i'd rather they just meet my number and i could take it. but the longer it takes the more i wonder, is that what i want to do? it's really the working from home thing. i'm not sure i'd want to do that 100% of the time. plus, looks like alex is going to become 100% working from home soon too. both of us, working from home 100%? i can see the advantages but we could also drive each other batty. we already spend an inordinate amount of time together. i'm sure people think we're nuts. but it works for us, so maybe that WOULD be good. eh. who knows. i have to wait until all the cards are on the table and then decide.
hopefully soon.
in other news that i've been completely ignoring, monday is my next checkup with the neurologist. *sigh* it's so much easier ot just ignore all that crap. i don't feel any differently and i haven't had any new symptoms so i'm pretty sure he'll send me for a new MRI series and then say see you in 6 months. and that would be totally fine with me to be honest. man, i'm so glad that i didn't accept my last neurologist diagnosis at face value. but that brings me to a point of contention. now, my last neurologist diagnosed me with MS. wanted to start me on the medication, the daily shots right away. i made an appointment after timeframe she gave us to "think it over" which was the week of the wedding ironically. oh yeah, got that lovely news as we were about to go drop the invitations in the mail. anyway... i never kept that appointment because i met with and love my new neurologist. but my point is this... given the fact that she diagnosed me with a progressive disease that needs aggressive preventative treatment to keep it in check.... and then i never came back.... shouldn't they CALL ME? shouldn't they CHECK ON ME to see how i am doing?
this is the second time in my life i've felt this way about a doctor. both instances are quite disturbing in my mind. i mean, maybe there's some reason they are not allowed to or something, but come on!!!
ugh. so anyway, that's all that's new really. it needs to get sunny. soon.
i feel like i'm in a state of limbo right now. the magazine -- the last one i'm contracted to do -- was supposed to have been done over a month ago... and it STILL hasn't started! this is really going to start cutting into my good weather time. i'd much rather be working on it say, while we've had 17 days of rain and it's 50 degrees. ah, figures. i'd really like to think that this will be my last one. that i can give up that particular gig... but the money is so good for what it is. sure, it takes up my life while i'm working on it, but it's only really 3 months out of the year. decisions, decisions.
speaking of decisions i haven't made any in regard to jobs. our office moved last week. the new space is nice, definitely better than what we had. almost as cool as the space we used to have downtown when i worked here back in 99. i've certainly been busy, with one of the designers leaving. but do i want to stay here? I don't know. i really do think i'd like the new gig but that's in a weird place right now. i finished that one side project they gave me. they've offered me to work on another one. which i'm not sure i'd be able to do, assuming the magazine will start anyminutenow. i'd rather they just meet my number and i could take it. but the longer it takes the more i wonder, is that what i want to do? it's really the working from home thing. i'm not sure i'd want to do that 100% of the time. plus, looks like alex is going to become 100% working from home soon too. both of us, working from home 100%? i can see the advantages but we could also drive each other batty. we already spend an inordinate amount of time together. i'm sure people think we're nuts. but it works for us, so maybe that WOULD be good. eh. who knows. i have to wait until all the cards are on the table and then decide.
hopefully soon.
in other news that i've been completely ignoring, monday is my next checkup with the neurologist. *sigh* it's so much easier ot just ignore all that crap. i don't feel any differently and i haven't had any new symptoms so i'm pretty sure he'll send me for a new MRI series and then say see you in 6 months. and that would be totally fine with me to be honest. man, i'm so glad that i didn't accept my last neurologist diagnosis at face value. but that brings me to a point of contention. now, my last neurologist diagnosed me with MS. wanted to start me on the medication, the daily shots right away. i made an appointment after timeframe she gave us to "think it over" which was the week of the wedding ironically. oh yeah, got that lovely news as we were about to go drop the invitations in the mail. anyway... i never kept that appointment because i met with and love my new neurologist. but my point is this... given the fact that she diagnosed me with a progressive disease that needs aggressive preventative treatment to keep it in check.... and then i never came back.... shouldn't they CALL ME? shouldn't they CHECK ON ME to see how i am doing?
this is the second time in my life i've felt this way about a doctor. both instances are quite disturbing in my mind. i mean, maybe there's some reason they are not allowed to or something, but come on!!!
ugh. so anyway, that's all that's new really. it needs to get sunny. soon.
4.24.2006
can't make a decision? do both!
so last week's whirlwind of interviews and job offers and rebuttals and discussions and decisions was very.... taxing.
was it better? should i make the move? was it to risky? i mean, they DID offer it to me 3 different ways. all in an attempt to find the fit that would work. i should be flattered that they are so interested right? ugh.
so now? well i'll do a project for them on the side. we get to test each other out and see if it's a fit. no risk! extra money! why not? i think this has worked out pretty well for now if you ask me.
the mom thing? well i wrote her a rather lengthy email. i think i did a pretty good job of laying it out on the line and not being accusatory or attacking at all. we'll see what happens there. i'm curious about it, frankly.
and the trip! yay! we leave friday morning. very excited to see melissa and go to the senior design exhibit! and see mark! how fun! i haven't been back to my college, well, since i graduated. wait, that's not true. what a liar i am! melissa and i taught a class there together while i was at CDG. still, that was 4 years ago? i think that's right. at any rate, it will be fun.
and i'll be in glastonbury, where my (potential) new employer is based out of so i can stop by and say hello! and meet some of the people i'll be working with. at least i think so. we'll see.
and i get my stove back tonight! hurray!!!
was it better? should i make the move? was it to risky? i mean, they DID offer it to me 3 different ways. all in an attempt to find the fit that would work. i should be flattered that they are so interested right? ugh.
so now? well i'll do a project for them on the side. we get to test each other out and see if it's a fit. no risk! extra money! why not? i think this has worked out pretty well for now if you ask me.
the mom thing? well i wrote her a rather lengthy email. i think i did a pretty good job of laying it out on the line and not being accusatory or attacking at all. we'll see what happens there. i'm curious about it, frankly.
and the trip! yay! we leave friday morning. very excited to see melissa and go to the senior design exhibit! and see mark! how fun! i haven't been back to my college, well, since i graduated. wait, that's not true. what a liar i am! melissa and i taught a class there together while i was at CDG. still, that was 4 years ago? i think that's right. at any rate, it will be fun.
and i'll be in glastonbury, where my (potential) new employer is based out of so i can stop by and say hello! and meet some of the people i'll be working with. at least i think so. we'll see.
and i get my stove back tonight! hurray!!!
4.21.2006
not much to say
been really busy at work and also interviewing for a new position that kind of fell in my lap. not sure i want it, exactly, but it is like a 30% raise and i would work from home. it's all happened so fast and i should find out if they will meet my number today.
we also began the Great Tiling Project last weekend. it's very pretty. not done, but pretty. our behemoth refrigerator could not be removed from the the kitchen entirely, just moved to one end. so we still have to finish up the tile under that spot once the fridge can be moved back.
the next magazine starts may 1, which, if i accept the offer, is also when my new job would start. yikes.
in other news, we're going to CT next weekend to visit my best friend. i swore i would never set foot in that state again. but i miss her and she could use the visit too. also means we'll be there for the big design show at our college. kind of excited that timing worked out! who knew!
in other news, my mother called me this morning. no lie. and her message? in its entirety "why are you mad at me?" in a total like upbeat sing-songy voice like i'd say to alex after doing something stupid. i swear. now i have to figure out what to do about that.
ok, i had more to say than i thought.
we also began the Great Tiling Project last weekend. it's very pretty. not done, but pretty. our behemoth refrigerator could not be removed from the the kitchen entirely, just moved to one end. so we still have to finish up the tile under that spot once the fridge can be moved back.
the next magazine starts may 1, which, if i accept the offer, is also when my new job would start. yikes.
in other news, we're going to CT next weekend to visit my best friend. i swore i would never set foot in that state again. but i miss her and she could use the visit too. also means we'll be there for the big design show at our college. kind of excited that timing worked out! who knew!
in other news, my mother called me this morning. no lie. and her message? in its entirety "why are you mad at me?" in a total like upbeat sing-songy voice like i'd say to alex after doing something stupid. i swear. now i have to figure out what to do about that.
ok, i had more to say than i thought.
4.05.2006
magic 8 ball meme
Have to admit, this was fun!!
*****
Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.
How does the world see you?
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
Will I have a happy life?
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurhythmics
What do my friends really of think me?
Broken, Jack Johnson
Do people secretly lust after me?
Brass Monkey, Beastie Boys
How can I make myself happy?
She's a Rebel, Green Day
What should I do with my life?
King of All Excuses, Staind
Will I ever have children?
Never Say Never, Queens of the Stone Age
What is some good advice for me?
Nowhere Man, Paul Westerberg
How will I be remembered?
Story, Lene Marlin
What is my signature dancing song?
The Rain, Missy Elliott
What do I think my current theme song is?
It's My Life,. Bon Jovi
What song will play at my funeral?
Extraordinary Thing, KD Lang
What type of men/women do you like?
Doth I Protest Too Much, Alanis Morissette
What is my day going to be like?
Dirty Little Secret (Thievery Corporation Remix), Sarah McLachlan
*****
Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.
How does the world see you?
Get Ur Freak On, Missy Elliott
Will I have a happy life?
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This), Eurhythmics
What do my friends really of think me?
Broken, Jack Johnson
Do people secretly lust after me?
Brass Monkey, Beastie Boys
How can I make myself happy?
She's a Rebel, Green Day
What should I do with my life?
King of All Excuses, Staind
Will I ever have children?
Never Say Never, Queens of the Stone Age
What is some good advice for me?
Nowhere Man, Paul Westerberg
How will I be remembered?
Story, Lene Marlin
What is my signature dancing song?
The Rain, Missy Elliott
What do I think my current theme song is?
It's My Life,. Bon Jovi
What song will play at my funeral?
Extraordinary Thing, KD Lang
What type of men/women do you like?
Doth I Protest Too Much, Alanis Morissette
What is my day going to be like?
Dirty Little Secret (Thievery Corporation Remix), Sarah McLachlan
4.04.2006
i can't stop eating
for two weeks now. i can't stop filling my pie hole. at all. this usually happens to me a few days out of the month, but then i won't want to eat for like 3 days after, it all balances out. but this has not stopped! i just ate a banana, my hummus and 2 sugar free turtles. in like 2 minutes. what is wrong with me? (plus garlicky chocolate breath? not so fun, must get some gum now...)
when i sit and think about what i eat in a day, it's not a crazy amount.... but for ME it is. me with my (not-so) little belly. i wonder what's causing this. i need to nip it in the bud, that's for sure.
in happier news, the new wallet i ordered to go along with my new purse that i got at the party my SIL dragged me to is in and she's picking it up for me tongiht. i'm very excited to use my new purse. especially since my old one seems so...... dirty to me now. better be careful though, i might try to eat it.
when i sit and think about what i eat in a day, it's not a crazy amount.... but for ME it is. me with my (not-so) little belly. i wonder what's causing this. i need to nip it in the bud, that's for sure.
in happier news, the new wallet i ordered to go along with my new purse that i got at the party my SIL dragged me to is in and she's picking it up for me tongiht. i'm very excited to use my new purse. especially since my old one seems so...... dirty to me now. better be careful though, i might try to eat it.
3.29.2006
why not?
Taken a picture naked? of myself? no. no. no. no one needs that.
Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes indeed.
Told a lie? Yeah.
Gotten in a car with people you just met? I don't think so. I did almost take a motorcycle ride with these guys a friend and i had just met at the beach. That would have been REALLY stupid.
Been in a fist fight? Yes.
Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back? Who hasn't?
Been arrested? Yes.
Left your house without telling your parents? Who knows, they didn't really pay much attention, so probably.
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yep, both high school and college
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes. i think so.
Slept in until 3? I must have at some point.
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Not recently enough
Played dress up? Yes.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. (Missed way to much art history to say I have a minor in it).
Felt an earthquake? No.
Touched a snake? Certainly not on purpose.
Ran a red light? Like 2 days ago.
Had detention? Yes.
Been in a car accident? Yes, 3 or 4
Pole danced? Ha!!!! Again, no one needs that!
Been lost? Oh, so many times. Figuratively and literally.
Sang karaoke? no no no.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn?t? more times than I can recount
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Maybe? I don't remember a specific moment or anything though. Should do that.
Sang in the shower? Yes, but the car is definitely more my thing. I'm a rockstar. Sinigng duets with Matt were my favorite car experiences.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.
Ever gone to school partially naked? What does this mean? I'll go with no.
Sat on a roof top? i think so.
Played chicken? No.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. (This was not an invitation, I don't need any of you getting any ideas.)
Been told you?re hot by a complete stranger? Only at gas stations by questionable men. Oh, and that one guy in traffic on 94. That was funny, although I don't think he said "hot" per se.
Broken a bone? Nope
Mooned/flashed someone? nope
Forgotten someone?s name? All the time.
Slept naked? Yep.
Blacked out from drinking? Never. never even gotten sick.
Played a prank on someone? Yes.
Felt like killing someone? Oh yes
Made a parent cry? Certainly
Cried over someone? Way too often.
Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? sadly, no.
Had/Have a dog? A few times but only briefly.
Been in a band? No, sadly.
Drank 25 sodas in a day? eek. no. that's a lot of soda!
Shot a gun? No, other than arcade type things. they scare me.
Made out with a member of the same sex? Oh yes indeed.
Told a lie? Yeah.
Gotten in a car with people you just met? I don't think so. I did almost take a motorcycle ride with these guys a friend and i had just met at the beach. That would have been REALLY stupid.
Been in a fist fight? Yes.
Had feelings for someone who didn?t have them back? Who hasn't?
Been arrested? Yes.
Left your house without telling your parents? Who knows, they didn't really pay much attention, so probably.
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yep, both high school and college
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? Yes
Kissed a picture? Yes. i think so.
Slept in until 3? I must have at some point.
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Not recently enough
Played dress up? Yes.
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes. (Missed way to much art history to say I have a minor in it).
Felt an earthquake? No.
Touched a snake? Certainly not on purpose.
Ran a red light? Like 2 days ago.
Had detention? Yes.
Been in a car accident? Yes, 3 or 4
Pole danced? Ha!!!! Again, no one needs that!
Been lost? Oh, so many times. Figuratively and literally.
Sang karaoke? no no no.
Done something you told yourself you wouldn?t? more times than I can recount
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Maybe? I don't remember a specific moment or anything though. Should do that.
Sang in the shower? Yes, but the car is definitely more my thing. I'm a rockstar. Sinigng duets with Matt were my favorite car experiences.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No.
Ever gone to school partially naked? What does this mean? I'll go with no.
Sat on a roof top? i think so.
Played chicken? No.
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No. (This was not an invitation, I don't need any of you getting any ideas.)
Been told you?re hot by a complete stranger? Only at gas stations by questionable men. Oh, and that one guy in traffic on 94. That was funny, although I don't think he said "hot" per se.
Broken a bone? Nope
Mooned/flashed someone? nope
Forgotten someone?s name? All the time.
Slept naked? Yep.
Blacked out from drinking? Never. never even gotten sick.
Played a prank on someone? Yes.
Felt like killing someone? Oh yes
Made a parent cry? Certainly
Cried over someone? Way too often.
Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? sadly, no.
Had/Have a dog? A few times but only briefly.
Been in a band? No, sadly.
Drank 25 sodas in a day? eek. no. that's a lot of soda!
Shot a gun? No, other than arcade type things. they scare me.
What's wrong with people?
Last night my purse was taken while we were at our yoga class. I left it in my locker (unlocked) I know, I know but it's a fixed number of people there, not a general public kind of place and we all do that. It was under my coat as always. It was so upsetting. It was "found" later but whoever had it had rifled through my wallet and had taken all the gift cards/reward things from stores that I had. Wedding presents and such. Thankfully that was all, my credit cards were all there (even though we cancelled them anyway for safety) and my license and brand-new-hadn't-even-set-up-voicemail-yet-and-quite-expensive cell phone. so it could have been so much worse. As crappy as it is that all stuff is gone ($400ish worth of stuff) I feel worse for the owner. It's SUCH a small place, it's personal training by appointment so to think one of her clients or trainers is a thief is awful. Alex and I have our suspicions on one person who was acting weird... I'll probably talk to the owner about that later.
3.22.2006
interesting topic
i've been reading all the sites invovled in the "false advertising" debate the last few weeks. alex and i have had this discussion, many times, only in reverse.
he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.
so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?
he'll often say, jokingly, that he "paid for more than he actually got." and has even made the false advertising type comments. clearly they are in jest. and we laugh, but reading all these posts i understnad what people are saying but most of all it's sad to me. and what's sad about it? that people actually have these discussions/deals/ultimatums/whatever with their spouses! sure, alex would be sad if i cut my hair (we've had this discussion). but you know what? he'd get over it. he wants me to do what makes me happy. what makes me feel good. and yes, i get all the points about it being self-esteem related. and i can't relate to the after-childbirth ones since i've not been there yet, but jeez. seems... sad.
so i give you our example. both of us. here's our engagement photo from 4/03 and a photo from our wedding 9/05. looks like neither of us actually got what we signed up for. or, are we now going to be held to the ideal from the wedding now forever more?
3.16.2006
last night i had the strangest dream...
(and now i can't stop singing that silly "break my stride" song... but i digress)
i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.
i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.
one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.
i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.
i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.
somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.
i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.
now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."
now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?
i woke up at 2am and was unable to get back to sleep. it was the oddest dream. not good, not bad, just a jumble of things that arne't related nor do they make sense.
i wanted to write about it this morning when i twas fresh, but i'll do the best i can to get it down now.
one of the first things i remember was a call from my ex, asking me to come over. of course i went. (i am pretty sure that i was not, well, um, married at this point in the dream). anyway... i also had a new car. it was silver.
i went to see my ex and stayed there for a bit then my mom called. to reming me that my plane to go to mexico was leaving in the morning. apparently this was a trip to meet her there.
i panicked because i would have to get up early. and i wasn't home (wherever that was in this dream) and it also meant that she would have to drive me and i DID NOT want her to do that, it would mean she'd have my car while i was gone and, well, we all know how that played out so many times.
somehow, the next morning my car was totaled and i had a rental. only it was parked downtown and i had to walk to go get it. so i was wlaking down the street, in detroit, trying to find 94. i was on the phone with someone asking them directions and somehow ended up in the cass area (have only been there once, it's not the greatest part of detroit i've been told). anyway, i remember thinking to myself, here's this little white girl walking around this "bad" neighborhood with a giant purple purse (?). i remember seeing all these "gangs" (big groups of mean looking guys wearing color coded clothing for their groups) and thinking i was toast, but oddly not scared at all.
i found the giant spiral parking garage where my rental car was. it was right next to the giant matterhorn ride too. i saw the car, but for some reason i could not get to it. i was approached by one if the gangs, who offered to help me get out the car. it was a pink version of a batman mobile type car, btw. i, of course, just hand over the keys and point to the car. he jumps the fence and climbs up and gets in the car. one of the other guys tells me he really doesn't know how to drive. i say it's ok, as long as he gets it out, it's a rental i don't care what shape it's in. he bashes in the cars in front and behind it as he tried to get it out of it's position. he eventually comes out and i notice there's a sign for 94 around the corner. i hop in and head for it.
now i'm in a hurry of course. and i consult the card with direction on the drivers seat and see that i'm going to be in canada soon! i see on it "take te second left, it's your last chance..." and i veer across 3 lanes to take the second left as it's my last chance to avoid going to canada. next thing i know i'm at customs and i have to get out of the car for it to be searched. i'm all confused and look down at the card to see that it was it's "..your last chance to make it to canada."
now, what the heck could all that possibly mean?
3.14.2006
i think i've just negated 1/2 my wardrobe
funny, for all the years that i had red hair i hated the color pink. my hatred for pink was deep and everyone who knew me knew how much i hated the color. it was my thing. you know? so having red hair was never an issue.
well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!
anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."
great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!
well, now that i'm smaller i feel much girlier and, well, i've come around. I've embraced pink. i have pink sneakers. (and a matching pink gym bag). several pink tops. so many. i even had pink capris last summer. me! pink capris! unheard of. when we were at my bridal shower in nh, i brought my bathing suit (pale pale pale pink with black trim) and all my "old" friends there and my mom flipped out. a PINK bathing suit? it was barely pink. barely. if they could only see my closet!
anyway, so my hair is red again. the next day i was like... oh shit! i can't wear pink anymore! not with red hair! and alex, the peach that he is, says we just need to buy new clothes (think someone likes the red hair??). we went running after work last night -- first time since last years 5K and i need to get ready for this years -- and i was wearing my... pink sneakers. and my new jacket.. that's pink. and i was like, oh man, is it bad? he said no, but my hair was up. i'm wearing a pink sweater today (seriously, my options were pink or pinker) and i just asked my coworker if it was a problem and she's like "yeah... kinda."
great. now what do i do? suck it up? change it back? bah. who have i become? i have a whole new problem with pink now!
3.10.2006
6 months
today marks our 6 month wedding anniversary. weird. seems so long and so short all at once. i was listening to the music that we played in the garden on the way into work this morning. ah, memories. all the planning! all the craziness! all the work! all the joy. last year was one hell of a year!
in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.
i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?
and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.
in other news, i was having a pretty crappy day yesterday. alex was working from home yesterday and he knew i was feeling yucky. so when i pulled up to the house he was outside and was like "i'm driving" what? i thought, wait... dinner, house stuff, what's are you talking about? he decided i needed a night out. so we did. it was nice! we went downtown ann arbor, walked around, window shopping, dinner, walking through campus. it was really nice. and jsut what i needed.
i also colored my hair when we got home. i was red for so many years and for the last 3 (the time i've known alex, incidentally) i was back to my "natural blonde" but i'm red again. he is excited (apparently he digs red hair a lot) and it's been awhile for me. it's good. it's all full circle in some ways, isn't it?
and it's friday. glorious friday. can't wait... hope the weather is as nice tomororw as it's supposed to be. it's almost spring people. finally.
3.09.2006
i hold on to stuff
to a fault. and i know this. but what i'm talking about here is old wounds. it happened again last night.
we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.
i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.
i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.
really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?
we went to bed around 11:30. same old stuff, alex puts in my eye drops, starts watching tv, i wall asleep. exciting stuff, eh? then i wake up about an hour later, wide awake in a cold sweat. and he's not there. rationally, i know he's in the computer room messing around cu he can't sleep. i know this. i tell myself this. and yet and still my baggage is still there. i still need to get up, look outside to make sure the cars are there. then i have to walk across to the other side of the house where the office is and sure enough, there he is. he jumps up when he sees me, he knows the drill, i've explained it a million times. i see him, turn around and go back to bed. and then can't sleep of course.
i guess old scar run really deep don't they? i've been thinking about this all morning and wondering, after being with alex for 3 years, you'd think i'd know better than to still be afraid of things he's NEVER DONE. and then i think about other things, like the break in, i mean, that was --damn-- almost 10 years ago and i STILL can't stay home alone at night without the lights on, the tv on and scared as hell. so i guess events that were more recent, i shouldn't be surprised that they still effect me.
i feel all off today. compound that with the rain and the fact that i was already exhausted last night and upset about some of the magazine comments that are starting to come back. ugh.
really, i do want to start march over, is it too late?
3.03.2006
randomness
funny how you make a comment about not commenting and then you get a comment on your site that you're SURE no one reads.
ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.
anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.
i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...
***
i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.
then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.
yeah, thanks mom.
*sigh*
***
i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.
***
we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)
***
i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.
***
lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.
however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.
alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.
ha! that was a ridiculous sentence.
anyway, thanks irish girl, i was stoked. and a neighbor as well. fun stuff.
i've been thinking about all kinds of different posts in my head and i still never managed to get them up. here are some thoughts in my head...
***
i'm frustrated with the situation with my mother. i was sending the link to the wedding photos to a new friend of mine and looking at them made me sad. and i told alex that and he told me to call her if i was sad about it. then i came to the realization that i was sad, but i was sad for a relationship i've never had with my mother. for a relationship that just doesn't exist and never has but that i really want. i thought about writing her a letter, explaining how i felt. explaining that i really would like her in my life, especially when we have kids (hopefully), but that i won't tolerate this kind of thing happening every year (or 2 or 6 for that matter). and i will NOT just sweep the vegas trip under the rug, i won't.
then i talk to my brother. and he tells me she is saying things to him how i never loved her and she hoped that he still didn't talk to *them* in michigan.
yeah, thanks mom.
*sigh*
***
i'd like to start march over. wednesday was crazy. we lost power at work, we all got sent home. then got called back in. keith wrecked his motorcycle, i found out there was a HUGE mistake on the magazine (my fault)... it was just a bad day.
***
we *finally* started our thank you notes. we suck. (notice i said started)
***
i've been toying with the idea of going over and sorting through some events in my life on here, kind of like another blogger i read is doing on a separate site that is password-protected. she's an amazing writer and she's inspired me to want to do it. no one in my "real life" knows about this so it would be *safe* but i don't know if it would be beneficial or would stir up too much old crap. sill thinking about this one.
***
lastly i've been feeling kind of crappy about myself. weird huh? i think i've been on such a high these last 2 years that now that i'm *done* i'm getting the bug about wanting to really be done. as in plastic surgery. i only have about 15lbs left to lose if i want to be at a "normal" weight as far as the charts are concerned. but honestly, i don't really care about that. i have pants that are a size 4 on right now. it's a fluke, but who cares, right?!!? i'm really like an 8. an EIGHT. less than two years ago i was a TWENTY-EIGHT. i am so not complaining.
however, i'm.... flappy.... for lack of a better word. especially now that i'm actually pretty strong and toned (thanks yoga!) but all the extra skin REALLY just hangs off my bones and muscles. i swear, the rest of that weight is jsut skin, easily, and i know that. but... it's not pretty. i wear lower rise jeans now, but then my belly hangs over. and my arms, not pretty. i wore tank tops last summer for the first time in my life, but it wasn't quite like it is now. the thought of bearing my arms? it' scary to me now.
alex is so supportive, so amazing, he's 100% behind whatever i want to do. and honestly, the though of a tummy/arm tuck is really appealing. really. appealing. well, except for the drains, the long recovery, the fact that getting a tummy tuck before (hopefully) being pregnant seems really sillly.... but more than that.... we know it could be a huge trigger. so... it is worth it? or do i stay flappy? i know alex's vote... he doesn't want to jeopardize my health over some skin that he doesn't care about... but i gotta tell you... i'm really starting to think about it. we'll see. maybe i'll talk to the neurologist about it when i see him next, see what he thinks.
2.09.2006
why don't i comment?
it's odd you know, two bloggers who i enjoy quite a bit have said they are turning to password-protected sites. i get it, too many people know about their blogs and they want the freedom back to not self-censor. makes total sense. they even said, just comment and i'll send the info out.. well, i'll send it out if i know who you are. ahhhh yes, the key is there. even during "delurking week" where is was INVITED that you say hello, i still could not. and i actually managed to send a note to both of them today. not to get the information, no, not at all. but to wish them well and to thank them for sharing their lives with me, even though they did know that i was there.
there have been several times i've started a comment, even if all it was was "congrats!" or "great photo!" anything and i never post. ever. what the hell could i possibly be afraid of? rejection? hardly. the like 3 times i've gotten a comment i got so excited i couldn't believe it! someone reads this!!?!? no way! i've not told anyone about this blog, not at all, except for the friend that got me to start it, and i don't think that he even reads it anymore. so those 3 or 4 comments were pretty darn exciting! so why wouldn't other peopel be excited to know there is one more person reading and enjoying their blog? yeah, i've got issues apparently.
in other news, i got an "i don't need to see you unless you have another episode" from the neuro-opthamologist. yay! i do, however, have residual scarring in my left eye from the last attack. not a surprise, i know my color vision has been compromised. i actually only scored 2 plates below "normal" in the color blind test, which, frankly is frightening. but as a designer, i'm quite aware that my color vision stinks. and this fact, it's not good.
oh, right, so as for commenting? yeah, i probably still won't. cuz i'm like that.
there have been several times i've started a comment, even if all it was was "congrats!" or "great photo!" anything and i never post. ever. what the hell could i possibly be afraid of? rejection? hardly. the like 3 times i've gotten a comment i got so excited i couldn't believe it! someone reads this!!?!? no way! i've not told anyone about this blog, not at all, except for the friend that got me to start it, and i don't think that he even reads it anymore. so those 3 or 4 comments were pretty darn exciting! so why wouldn't other peopel be excited to know there is one more person reading and enjoying their blog? yeah, i've got issues apparently.
in other news, i got an "i don't need to see you unless you have another episode" from the neuro-opthamologist. yay! i do, however, have residual scarring in my left eye from the last attack. not a surprise, i know my color vision has been compromised. i actually only scored 2 plates below "normal" in the color blind test, which, frankly is frightening. but as a designer, i'm quite aware that my color vision stinks. and this fact, it's not good.
oh, right, so as for commenting? yeah, i probably still won't. cuz i'm like that.
1.24.2006
happy birthday to me.
and what will i be doing today? going to the neuro-opthamologist 'bout the same thing i did last year on my birthday. except i had awful, painful, blinding tests done last year. which reduced me to a whimpering mess that alex had to lead around the rest of the night. we had to stop for food since it took longer than we thought. at some place i hadn't been so he needed to read me the menu then cut up my food. then we went home and i went straight to bed. it was horrible.
this is the follow up appointment i have been kind of avoiding for awhile. first it was during the honeymoon so i had to reschedule. then it was durig a week where i had other, more important appointments, so i rescheduled. then it was during the week i had off from work, perfect. then THEY called and rescheduled it for today. yeah, thanks. two years in a row, i appreciate that.
we've totally been ignoring my possible health issues. it was easy to hide behind the wedding for a long time. then we had to wait for tests. then when they never called, and just said to schedule the next round for april. (which, incidentally, i was told i had to call after the 1st of january to do. when i called on the second at 9am, april was already booked. go figure).
anyhow, i did not expect today to be anything more than a check up. but, i have been having pain in my left eye for about a month or so. i haven't mentioned it to anyone, not even alex, figured i'd just wait until today and spring it on him in the car on the way to the institute. nice, huh? we've just been so good about avoiding it. i know that's not good, but what else is there to do? it's some looming prospect that keeps us waiting every 6 months to see, do i have any lesions yet? not so fun. and i know so many have it so worse and i'm not complaining, i'm just, trying not to worry.. you know, until i have to.
BUT i could think of better ways to spend my birthday.
this is the follow up appointment i have been kind of avoiding for awhile. first it was during the honeymoon so i had to reschedule. then it was durig a week where i had other, more important appointments, so i rescheduled. then it was during the week i had off from work, perfect. then THEY called and rescheduled it for today. yeah, thanks. two years in a row, i appreciate that.
we've totally been ignoring my possible health issues. it was easy to hide behind the wedding for a long time. then we had to wait for tests. then when they never called, and just said to schedule the next round for april. (which, incidentally, i was told i had to call after the 1st of january to do. when i called on the second at 9am, april was already booked. go figure).
anyhow, i did not expect today to be anything more than a check up. but, i have been having pain in my left eye for about a month or so. i haven't mentioned it to anyone, not even alex, figured i'd just wait until today and spring it on him in the car on the way to the institute. nice, huh? we've just been so good about avoiding it. i know that's not good, but what else is there to do? it's some looming prospect that keeps us waiting every 6 months to see, do i have any lesions yet? not so fun. and i know so many have it so worse and i'm not complaining, i'm just, trying not to worry.. you know, until i have to.
BUT i could think of better ways to spend my birthday.
1.03.2006
happy new year!
thanks goodness we rang in the new year better than christmas!
it was actually quite lovely. we spent time with some dear friends and some new friends. had a fun night of laughs and joy and tons of food (including some gingerbread i had been dying to make. i had kept seeing some at starbucks so i was determined to make some that i could eat, and it was mighty delish if i do say so myself).
then our yoga teacher had invited us to go to another studio where he teaches on new years day for 108 sun salutations to ring in the new year. oh my. that was an event.
i wasn't sure how many i could actually do in a row, but we broke it up into 4 groups of 27 so it was much more doable. it was a lot of fun and a great way to start the new year, even if we are walking funny from all the sore muscles!
hope everyone had a great start to what will be a fabulous year i'm sure!
as my mother in law said: you may not be able to add years to your life but you can add life to your years.
happy 2006!
it was actually quite lovely. we spent time with some dear friends and some new friends. had a fun night of laughs and joy and tons of food (including some gingerbread i had been dying to make. i had kept seeing some at starbucks so i was determined to make some that i could eat, and it was mighty delish if i do say so myself).
then our yoga teacher had invited us to go to another studio where he teaches on new years day for 108 sun salutations to ring in the new year. oh my. that was an event.
i wasn't sure how many i could actually do in a row, but we broke it up into 4 groups of 27 so it was much more doable. it was a lot of fun and a great way to start the new year, even if we are walking funny from all the sore muscles!
hope everyone had a great start to what will be a fabulous year i'm sure!
as my mother in law said: you may not be able to add years to your life but you can add life to your years.
happy 2006!
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